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#429721 - 04/01/13 11:41 AM Frenzied (TRIGGERS)
SoccerStar Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/15/12
Posts: 918
Loc: New York
Potential triggers and pretty frank "guy talk".


I've always been the horniest, highest-libido'ed person I've ever known. Being bi makes it even more intense because just walking down the street I can see double the eye candy, imagine twice as much. Note that I choose not to attribute either the "hypersexuality" or my orientation to the CSA. When properly and harmlessly indulged I enjoy both of these aspects of myself.

I suffered a complete mental breakdown in 2012 due to a lot of high-stress events (house/moving, job threats, son starting school, ID theft) intersecting amidst the backdrop of my wife having such a disastrously sick pregnancy that I couldn't even get so much as a HUG from her for 14 months. Seriously, when identity thieves cleaned out my bank account and I asked her to just hold me, she couldn't / wouldn't even do that even then. Went through our anniversary, Hanukkah, New Years Eve, my birthday, Valentines Day, and Father's Day - nothing. I hated my life except for when I felt like I was already dead. When I wasn't trying to face the horrible stress clusters all bearing down on me, I would seethe with resentment, regret, and, well, something close to hate if not quite there. Have still never really understood how someone can play on a Blackberry but not give a handjob. 14 months is a long time for ANY man to go without even so much as the smallest item on the menu - and that was along with me basically being a domestic servant, when I got home from work I'd have to do all the caregiving, cooking, cleaning, everything for her, our son, and even the damn dog. Just thinking of that time makes me hyperventilate. Yes, of course I'd j/o a lot - but I soon grew to hate that precisely because I could see it was all I was getting, even as I was giving so much. The good feelings were gone and I could never ever relax. With THAT as a backdrop, it didn't take too many major life upsets all perfectly synchronized to drive me round the bend and knock down the dark door where I'd hidden my CSA memories all those years. So, great, you can't get any sexual validation, here have some sexual victimization instead, maybe that will do the trick!

I finally got a tolerable, functional marriage back in mid-November '12. But since then I feel sex has changed... become more an urgent, furious drumbeat charge. I can't relax except when we're doing it. I was VERY demanding at first and was 100% justified in this. But now after a few months, things have kind of reverted to a very scripted scenario - recently once a week, if I'm lucky. It's kind of become how I measure the passage of time.

My T doesn't think I'm a sex addict, technically - her phrasing is that I really did go through a difficult period and it strained my emotions and it changed my priorities. As she puts it - the passengers on the Titanic weren't "addicted to air."

Yesterday morning wifey and I were supposed to do it. She had already put it off 3 days and tried to talk me out of it then, and at last insisted it be a "quickie". Without getting too explicit, she did things that made damn sure it was a quickie - like, less than 30 seconds. If I'd just "prematured" that would be one thing, I'd be embarrassed and let down, but this was seriously her trying to get it over with as fast as possible on purpose, knowing me enough to know how, and succeeding, despite my wishes. And she joked about it afterwards.

I've been seeing red ever since. Constantly angry, bitter and hurt. I'm in another world, totally absent from conversations and family life, knowing in advance that I'd be so pissed and regretful that I'd be unable to "get through" a work week - and here it is 11am Monday and I've done nothing, just zoning out, so prophecy self-fulfilled. I've j/o-ed about 7 times since yesterday morning but it doesn't help me re-focus on reality. I seriously don't know how I'm supposed to now essentially go TWO weeks on that. I seriously don't give a rat's ass about anything else that could possibly happen or be expected of me this week, I just goddamned need it to be next weekend already. And I'm looking forward to it with anger, vindictiveness, instead of playful love and desire.

The more I think of it - which is CONTINUOUSLY - the more pent-up and furious I get.

The worst part? She's afraid I'll cheat on her. She demands I not spend too much time with female colleagues because "I know you're very vulnerable now" and she has repeatedly quizzed me on just how intense my feelings for males are and how far I've ever gone or would go. She's afraid I'll cheat on her - and does THAT to our sex life???

I just need to be able to let the barriers down, to relax, let loose, enjoy. To be held, accepted, desired, embraced, to be able to feel another human body however I move my own.

And maybe it does help me push the abuse memories away for a little while - making plain that the... treatment... I painfully remember (nearly constantly, goddammit) isn't the man I turned out as, that I can take charge, that I can give and receive pleasure, even do some things similar to what was done to me but in a kind, gentle, mutualistic manner, proving how it's "supposed to be." Whatever it involves and whatever it means I need it so goddamned bad I have a headache now. I don't know how I'll be able to deal with her all night tonight if we don't have sex - but I don't want to be That Guy, just cravenly begging or bullying his wife. I don't get why it can't be more frequent when she does know how bad I need it. Like, oxygen-level need it.


Matt
_________________________
My story

"Don't think it hasn't been a little slice of Heaven just because it hasn't!" --Bugs Bunny

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#429759 - 04/01/13 08:07 PM Re: Frenzied (TRIGGERS) [Re: SoccerStar]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3513
Loc: somewhere in Africa
Matt -

i hear you, man! the desire, the drive, the frustration, the feeling that you're going to explode.

that was me/us a year ago: hypersexual, wanting and needing it all the time, couldn't get enough, and couldn't seem to get that message through. this was a new developmnet for me, though. i'd been very uptight and repressed about sex pretty much all my life - except in my secret thoughts - as a result of both the CSA and the super-conservative religious upbringing - and unable to act on any of the urges because of all the fears and inhibitions i'd built up. when the memories of CSA suddenly returned, i had no way to deal with it. i couldn't stand to be touched by anyone else. i was swept up in a tidal wave of obsessive/compulsive online p0rn and MB. most of it was male, though i'd never had any experiences of that sort except the abuse. that mad me feel bad about myself because i was getting pleasure from pictures reminiscent of the abuse - and also feeling lots of guilt and shame. when my wife discovered what i was doing, she was disgusted and even when i wanted to get more physical with her she made it clear that she was off-limits. she totally did not understand that she was adding fuel to the fire by being inaccessible.

we finally resolved the issue by including her in my therapy. i'd see the T one time a week on my own. and we'd see him once a week as a couple. it took a while but we are doing much better. she still does not know how much i think about it and how often i want it. i think she would be very surprised. our victory celebration was going to a beach resort for 4 days and making love (for the first time in my life i could actually call it that and mean it!) at least a couple times a day. my dream come true!

anyway - i can see things changing for you - IF she goes along with therapy together with you. you need some cooperation. if not, i don't know...

Lee
_________________________
As my life goes on I believe somehow something's changed
Something deep inside...
I've been searchin so long to find an answer
Now I know my life has meaning
Now I see myself as I am, feeling very free...
When my tears have come to an end I will understand
What I left behind: a part of me. Chicago


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#429771 - 04/01/13 10:45 PM Re: Frenzied (TRIGGERS) [Re: SoccerStar]
SoccerStar Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/15/12
Posts: 918
Loc: New York
Ummmmm...... Nevermind! smile smile smile smile
_________________________
My story

"Don't think it hasn't been a little slice of Heaven just because it hasn't!" --Bugs Bunny

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#429814 - 04/02/13 12:00 PM Re: Frenzied (TRIGGERS) [Re: SoccerStar]
Jude Offline


Registered: 08/09/12
Posts: 1600
Loc: New England
Originally Posted By: SoccerStar
I finally got a tolerable, functional marriage back in mid-November '12. But since then I feel sex has changed... become more an urgent, furious drumbeat charge. I can't relax except when we're doing it. I was VERY demanding at first and was 100% justified in this.

Hey SoccerStar,

What you describe is totally familiar to me. The intense need to have sex, both for the physical release and the personal validation of my manhood. It was always all about me. It came to the point of my being unable to feel okay about myself unless I was getting it daily. J/O didn't meet that need. I was demanding, and would use any and all means (guilt, lies, threats) to get what I wanted. However, I was NEVER justified in doing so. I was using my wife as just another drug to blunt my pain, fear, and self-hatred. It wasn't about love EVER. Its no wonder that she found more and more ways to avoid it.

Finally she drew the line and made herself off limits. But that didn't stop me, I just reverted to seeking anonymous sex in parked cars and whatever. Again it was all about me and getting off so I could feel okay.

Part of my recovery has been sexual sobriety, meaning no sex of any kind, no J/O, no porn. I prayed to God to take it all away, and he did. That might seem radical, but it has allowed me to start building a healthy view of myself, and of sex which I hope will allow me one day to have a sexual experience thats about love, and not just about getting my rocks off.
_________________________
Seems I've got to have a change of scene
Every night I have the strangest dreams
Imprisoned by the way it could have been
Left here on my own or so it seems
I've got to leave before I start to scream
Joe Cocker

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#430013 - 04/03/13 06:08 PM Re: Frenzied (TRIGGERS) [Re: SoccerStar]
bodyguard8367 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/16/12
Posts: 1159
Loc: ""
""


Edited by bodyguard8367 (02/26/14 10:03 PM)

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#430173 - 04/05/13 08:51 AM Re: Frenzied (TRIGGERS) [Re: SoccerStar]
SoccerStar Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/15/12
Posts: 918
Loc: New York
Thank you guys for letting me know I'm not the only one who burns and implodes for this. It's always been much more intense in me than other guys seem to report.

Geoff - I did talk things over with her afterwards to explain why I was so upset - that if its going to be so relatively infrequent (and I think once a week is as infrequent as I can stand) that it just can't be rushed - that it makes me feel ugly and unattractive and that our affections for each other aren't important. She assured me that's not how she feels (and I know it isn't); she just has work stress issues of her own and is still feeling hormonal and weird due to breastfeeding. She didn't mean to hurt me, and as I hinted above we had our "do-over."


Lee - I'm so glad you two got on the same wavelength and that you were able to feel it at a whole higher emotional level. I too know what it's like to only be able to "make love" with one woman ever - funny, society thinks guys are so much more shallow and animalistic than that. I've cautiously suggested to my wife that she sit in on a session, but she's intensely anti-therapy... The problem is that she seems to not believe that guys can need sex the way we need food and feel unhealthy, abnormal, sad and not ourselves without it. I'm the first serious relationship she's ever had, which means I'm the first guy with whom serious life milestones have been reached that add stress to life and, thus, during the famine year, I was the first guy she'd ever been around in our age cohort who was in a steady relationship but wasn't getting sex. So she'd never seen what it can do to a guy's self-image or attitude, there was never a reason NOT TO do it with some casual fling in college or her "Sex and the City" days. So she never saw what long-term sex deprivation can do to a guy in a relationship and at first thought I was nuts for ever feeling that way. I tried to help her make the leap by imagining any of her BFF guy friends (of whom she has many) telling her of being in the same status, and it sort of helped. I'm happy to say she likes sex, but its bizarre to realize that even though she's "been around the block a few times" the sense of need and urgency is lost on her.


Jude - I hear what you're saying, and am somewhat awestruck by your ability to go "cold turkey." What really hurt me was that without sex I really felt (and still feel) I couldn't completely bond with her - I love to bring her pleasure and for us to share in it, and without that just felt we weren't fully communicating or connecting, weren't letting down the workday / outside world "walls." I don't think I may have been using her like a drug, since half the point is to bring us closer together; nonetheless, it is something that I MUST have to feel normal, and if she's the only one I'm allowed to get it from she's got to appreciate the seriousness of that.

Workin' on it. I know how important communication is in a relationship and really do my best to explain what I'm feeling and why and what this represents.


Matt
_________________________
My story

"Don't think it hasn't been a little slice of Heaven just because it hasn't!" --Bugs Bunny

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#430319 - 04/06/13 07:04 AM Re: Frenzied (TRIGGERS) [Re: SoccerStar]
Mountainous Buck Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/15/09
Posts: 1626
Loc: Minnesota
Matt

Most of us have to dig in and rehabilitate our sexuality- abuse really damages healthy sexual development.

I hear your intensity- and be wise experience of men who have responded here.

My question to you is how much of your sex life and use of sex is outside your relationship with your wife?

The more I pursued sex solo - the more my intimacy with my wife and our sex life suffered. My energy and attention were towards the old Coping and escaping mechanisms that delivered temporary relief but ultimately more frustration, isolation and brokenness- funny but that was really a re-creation of my life created by my original abuse.

So I challenge you to take a long look at how you are using sex andhow that is or is not working in your life. Is it really taking care of Matt- or not?
How much effort and time are u spending pursuing escapism thru sex?
_________________________
We have to take responsibility for what we're not responsible for.

It doesn't matter where you've come from,
It matters where you go" Frank Turner

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#430339 - 04/06/13 11:59 AM Re: Frenzied (TRIGGERS) [Re: SoccerStar]
Mountainous Buck Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/15/09
Posts: 1626
Loc: Minnesota
If the question of sex addiction comes up- check out

http://saa-recovery.org/IsSAAForYou/SelfAssessment/

Probably disagree with the assessment that we need sex like we need air

I can go for a while Without sex
in fact it makes me stronger when I don't act on my urges instantly

- I cannot survive without air
And my breathing isn't messed up like my sexuality ever was
_________________________
We have to take responsibility for what we're not responsible for.

It doesn't matter where you've come from,
It matters where you go" Frank Turner

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#430396 - 04/07/13 01:31 AM Re: Frenzied (TRIGGERS) [Re: Mountainous Buck]
Jude Offline


Registered: 08/09/12
Posts: 1600
Loc: New England
Originally Posted By: Mountainous Buck
....I cannot survive without air. And my breathing isn't messed up like my sexuality ever was
Plus you don't have to buy anybody dinner just to get a breath of air! whistle
_________________________
Seems I've got to have a change of scene
Every night I have the strangest dreams
Imprisoned by the way it could have been
Left here on my own or so it seems
I've got to leave before I start to scream
Joe Cocker

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