I totally agree. I didn't want any of this to define me either! I just wanted to be free of all of the trappings of "victim" or "survivor." I didn't choose this life, it was FORCED onto me. I just want to be NORMAL!
I completely agree with you.
Then I had a journal session this week which changed everything. I had been thinking therapy was a treatment for something "wrong" with me. Like I was somehow fucked up. But, I didn't do anything wrong? So I get the pain of abuse and the shame of recovery? But I didn't do anything wrong. My issue was shame. I felt ashamed... but I didn't do anything wrong. Still, as I write and go through this, I didn't do anything wrong! I am free from any guilt for any of the abuse, incest, rape. I am free from any of the blame. I feel ashamed, but I didn't do anything wrong.
I just want to have normal reactions, normal responses, not be overwhelmed every minute of every day with the memory that I was sodomized.
Then it hit me. I am normal. I have normal responses. Something awful happened to me, and I have had normal and appropriate responses. I am not messed up, or fucked up, or weird or anything. I am me. I am me. I am normal and have experienced a normal response to the tragedies of my childhood.
I could only write that after I accepted that something happened to me and it wasn't my fault. I am normal. We are all normal.
I wish you luck brother. You are exactly where you need to be. Keep moving forward, that's all any of us can do.
May your past be the sound of your feet upon the ground, carry on. ~Fun.