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#429866 - 04/02/13 07:54 PM Thinking our survivor is "the one"
mkn10 Offline


Registered: 06/30/12
Posts: 27
So I've been considering this question lately (some of you might have read my previous posts about moving on from my survivor which has been terribly difficult).

I think I've read nearly every single post on the F&F forum and I've noticed that A LOT of women who frequent this forum describe their survivor as "the one", their "soul mate", their "kindred spirit". And I wonder, is that because all the women on here who have stayed and fought have done so because their survivor is in fact their 'true love', otherwise they would not be on here in the first place?

Alternatively, I have been thinking that maybe due to the nature of relationships with survivors, we are convinced they are "the one" because everything is so damn INTENSE! The lows are VERY low, which makes the highs ever so high. And this extreme dichotomy is not really experienced in relationships with non-survivors. In a way, I think it becomes addictive.... Just a thought.

I think another aspect that furthers our thinking that our survivor is our 'true love' is that we get this massive sense of purpose to our lives, as though we were meant to meet this person for a reason and if we are the only ones (or first ones) they disclose to then we must have been 'sent to them by a higher power'.

Would love to hear others comment on this concept of their survivor being their "true love".

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#429874 - 04/02/13 08:42 PM Re: Thinking our survivor is "the one" [Re: mkn10]
EagerLearner Offline


Registered: 01/04/13
Posts: 16
Loc: Midwest
I think you have some very good insights there, mkn10. I cannot at this point say that my survivor is "the one", but there have been many times over the past couple of years that I have thought he very well could be. It is intense and I definitely think that can become a sort of addiction. There's a fiery passion that comes with the intensity of the highs and lows. I have actually experienced this in one other relationship with a non-survivor as well. I've found those relationships to be the hardest to move on from. There is just something about that intensity that makes it hard not to want to touch the flame.

I also think what you say about feeling a sense of purpose has a lot of truth.

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#429875 - 04/02/13 08:55 PM Re: Thinking our survivor is "the one" [Re: mkn10]
nel75 Offline


Registered: 03/24/13
Posts: 9
**


Edited by nel75 (04/03/13 04:22 PM)

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#429876 - 04/02/13 08:57 PM Re: Thinking our survivor is "the one" [Re: mkn10]
Esposa Offline
F&F Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/19/11
Posts: 636
Loc: NJ
A sense of purpose? Blah.

What is "the one"? I don't feel that way. I am quite aware that my path could go a completely different direction - could of, may...

I think the intensity of the situation for a co-dependent may make some of us think we have found our soul mate and our true dharma in this lifetime.

My husband is my easiest path toward my own self awareness, my own personal growth, he's a darn good mirror. If he weren't, I would not have subconsciously picked him, naive to what lay ahead. He offered me a challenge that had nothing to do with him and everything to do with me.

Is he my "one"? Jeez... he's the one I chose to walk with.

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#429879 - 04/02/13 09:09 PM Re: Thinking our survivor is "the one" [Re: Esposa]
nel75 Offline


Registered: 03/24/13
Posts: 9
**


Edited by nel75 (04/03/13 04:23 PM)

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#429884 - 04/02/13 09:50 PM Re: Thinking our survivor is "the one" [Re: mkn10]
Esposa Offline
F&F Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/19/11
Posts: 636
Loc: NJ
Nel - I always recommend this book but have you read Getting the Love you Want?

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#430231 - 04/05/13 02:48 PM Re: Thinking our survivor is "the one" [Re: mkn10]
Shawushka Offline


Registered: 01/05/11
Posts: 128
Loc: VA
Quote:
And I wonder, is that because all the women on here who have stayed and fought have done so because their survivor is in fact their 'true love', otherwise they would not be on here in the first place?

Yes and No. First of all, I don't believe in 'the one'/'true love'/'soulmate'/etc.
My partner is the best possible counterpart I found, and he's by no means the perfect and neither am I. We're two ordinary people who seem to be compatible in such way that we love each other's positive sides enough to put up with each other's annoying idiosyncracies.
What I don't need in my relationship is a 'purpose' - thank you very much but I'm no mother Theresa and do not have a caregiver-syndrome.
What made me stay is that I think it's unlikely I'll find a better counterpart who has less flaws. My partner still has enough good sides and good character traits that make me want to stay.

In the past I've had relationships that wouldn't have lasted through a disaster like this, indeed they fell apart about much more mundane things.

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#430806 - 04/10/13 09:59 PM Re: Thinking our survivor is "the one" [Re: mkn10]
sugarbaby Offline


Registered: 08/17/08
Posts: 306
I never really felt the 'soul mate' type thing. Probably because I had been in love before I met H so I was familiar that it can come on strong and ....crash just as suddenly!

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