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#429847 - 04/02/13 04:36 PM Hi, I'm dumont
dumont Offline


Registered: 03/28/13
Posts: 34
Loc: No where
Hi, well I'm dumont. I have been looking at your site for a while now, just reading and figuring things out I guess.
I have just turned 20 and I have been abused for long time. I am not here to look for sympathy or anything like that. It's just so much abuse happened that I need to talk about it. I thought I could just let it dissappear but it works it's way back into my life. Things happen around me and I am brought back to being hurt. How do you fix that? I have tried talking to some people I cared for but most of them won't even look at me after they find out the truth. Other guys I know that stuff like this has happened just say live with it and get over with it. Most of them are taking drugs or drinking hard or are so fucked up I know they will be dead sooner then later.

I know if I don't keep it together I will end up like them. I'm in a safe place now and my life looks like it's getting better. I have my own place that is clean and nice, my own bathroom, a fridge and stove and it seems a chance now. This may all sound silly but I never thought this would come true.
How do you keep it together?

I also have questions about what I am. In theory I am straight but the only real contact I have had has been with men, both forced and for comfort. I have tried being with a girl but it didn't work out. Sex is a funny beast for me. It takes me and I never seem to be in control of it, it takes me does what it wants.
Most people on here seem older so I don't know if I have a place here, I'm not sure what I can offer. I am not very educated and my experience's are very hard for me to tell other people. They were very rough and I'm afraid that I will be rejected for them. Some very awful things were done to me and I did very awful things because I was forced or because I was to much of a coward to say no. It gets really confusing.
well there you have it.
Not sure how to chat on here really but I will try and maybe learn something.
by the way I am waiting to get therapy but it may take a while. Group therapy is an option but not a good one for me.
Not sure what else to say. I am very nervous and worried that this will some how not be a good move. I hope it will be a good move for me. I think I need some help, please.
Dumont

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#429851 - 04/02/13 04:53 PM Re: Hi, I'm dumont [Re: dumont]
newground Offline
Chatroom Moderator
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 10/11/11
Posts: 755
Loc: michigan
Hi dumont
you can rest assured that you have come to the right place. many here have suffered the worst kinds of abuse and are learning to come to terms with it. I just want to be sure to say to you man it was not your fault. not matter what may have taken place in time early sexual abuse has a profound impact in our lives and our feelings and yea confusion is a really good word. if you feel you want to use the chat function simply go to the top of the forums page and look to the right and you will see the tab that says chat you will find a great bunch of guys who share your pain and understand where you are coming from. dont worry about telling your story or anything man just relax and find your footing you will find a safe place here
Heal well
Jeff
_________________________
Towards thee I roll, thou all-destroying but unconquering whale; to the last I grapple with thee; from hell's heart I stab at thee; for hate's sake I spit my last breath at thee. let me then tow to pieces, while still chasing thee, thou damned whale! Thus, I give up the spear!"
Herman Melville

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#429878 - 04/02/13 09:08 PM Re: Hi, I'm dumont [Re: dumont]
genedebs Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/09/12
Posts: 285
Loc: MO
Welcome dumont,

We are all here for a place of safety and support. I am one of those older people you talked about. There is no such thing as your failure to say no.

Where would you have gotten the power to make no stick. How would you know if there were other sources of feeling good, or at least not as terrified.

At 20 you are ahead of the game. My sexual abuse began when I was 11 and continued till I was 16. Several different perps. But I sought no help until I was 37,and I still thought I could minimize what happened. It overwhelmed. I have been diagnosed, medicated and therapied for 20 years.

We all have different stories, but we all are just the same. Welcome, new ground is right, don't push yourself, take it easy. I hope you find what you need.

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#429900 - 04/02/13 11:37 PM Re: Hi, I'm dumont [Re: dumont]
dumont Offline


Registered: 03/28/13
Posts: 34
Loc: No where
thank you both for the very kind welcomes, it means a lot.
dumont

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#429926 - 04/03/13 09:18 AM Re: Hi, I'm dumont [Re: dumont]
Jude Offline


Registered: 08/09/12
Posts: 1513
Loc: New England
Originally Posted By: dumont
....Things happen around me and I am brought back to being hurt. How do you fix that?......how do you keep it together? .......Sex is a funny beast for me. It takes me and I never seem to be in control of it, it takes me does what it wants....Most people on here seem older so I don't know if I have a place here..... some very awful things were done to me and I did very awful things because I was forced or because I was to much of a coward to say no. It gets really confusing.


Welcome Dumont,

You ARE in the right place and you are asking all the right questions.

I've come to believe that there is no "fix" to what we went through, its part of who we became. But we can learn to live with it......to "keep it together" and have a reasonably normal life. The first step is talking about it, and you've made a good start at that. What was done to us was in secret, but healing happens out loud.

Confusion about sexuality and that feeling of loss of control are common among survivors. You are not a freak, you are experiencing an effect of what was done to you. Yeah, we "get it".

You're right most of us are older, but there are some younger guys here too. I admire you for having the courage to start facing this at your age. It took me 42 years to get there, and in the meantime I lead a wasted life "taking drugs or drinking hard.....so fucked up" like your friends. Just trying anything to numb myself so I wouldn't have to feel the feelings of rage, fear, shame, and self-hatred the I was left with.

Like you, some awful things were done to me, and I didn't resist, run, tell, or say no. I just froze and let it happen. You are not alone in this and you are not a coward. We were kids who trusted adults, and never expected one to force us into sex. Your reaction was "normal" for the situation you were in. It wasn't your fault. Say it with me Dumont, "IT WASN'T YOUR FAULT"

Keep reading, and posting when you need to. Find a good therapist if you can and start working on recovery. Never give up. You will always find support here. there are nearly 12,000 of us and we have your back.

Jude
_________________________
I went back to the doctor
To get another shrink.
I sit and tell him about my weekend,
But he never betrays what he thinks.
Can you see the real me, doctor?.
The Who

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#430285 - 04/05/13 10:53 PM Re: Hi, I'm dumont [Re: dumont]
lukedamien Offline


Registered: 04/05/13
Posts: 68
Hi Dumont

I'm Luke. I'm 19. The firat real dude I talked to today about my abuse was thirty-four. I understand what you're saying about the age but when you talk with anyone who understands and can support or help. You will see you really do belong

I've been reading some threads and I can really relate. I hope you find that you can too dude.
Ttyl

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#430859 - 04/11/13 08:59 AM Re: Hi, I'm dumont [Re: dumont]
lapchinj Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/07/11
Posts: 1185
Loc: New York
Hey Dumont,

Welcome aboard, sorry you have to be here but you can't beat the place in order to have family. I think that Jude said it best but I still have a problem with "IT WASN'T YOUR FAULT" way of thinking. I hope that will change though but it isn't that important to me at the moment but maybe it should be.

It struck me that you were finally happy to have your own place nice and clean and with a private bathroom. I'm an only child and when I divorced my parents at 12 I was mostly sharing an apartment in the village with 3 other kids sleeping on the same mattress on the floor in the corner of the room. Shared a toilet and shower with another kid who I fell madly in love with. I look at that time in my life as some of the best times. The only problem is that we 4 were all prostitutes. Two were really wise street kids working the streets in the city and me and my friend were very naive and were rented out and delivered like a Domino's Pizza for johns and photo shoots. I didn't need the johns but I did need my friend.

We all suffer here from the worst kind of mind twisting past which drove us to drugs or other shit. Along with a T, meds if needed and our friendship here at MS you should do fine. MS brought me out of my cave where I hid for years into the open, at least here on MS, and let me go through and sort out my past. Once you can get a handle on that you're on your way to recovery. The fact that you got here is indicative that you have the determination to heal.

Oh yeah, Jude, there is almost 13,000 of us here now - just say'n smile. That number should really be low in a good world but it just shows us how many people have a similar background and have the determination to heal and help our brothers.

Good luck Dumont and heal fast.

Peace, Rainbows, Love & Healing
Jeff
_________________________
Stick around, It will get better....

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#430866 - 04/11/13 10:04 AM Re: Hi, I'm dumont [Re: dumont]
Still Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6403
Loc: 2.5 NATO Nations
Quote:
Most people on here seem older so I don't know if I have a place here, I'm not sure what I can offer.


(Ehhemmm) ... Still here (aka: Peter Pan). I may be old but I bought the full-life deal on "cool."

Anyway, you are so close to the days of abuse, and you are experiencing some very fresh post-abuse results...and I am very sorry to hear that.

You seem to be on a genuine quest for the right answers...and WOW! Yer one brave and strong dude to face this at 20! You'll find your resolutions...I know it!
_________________________
Wishing You Were Here!

The Aftermath Video

The Water Buffalo Song

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#430887 - 04/11/13 02:54 PM Re: Hi, I'm dumont [Re: dumont]
Jacob S Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/01/13
Posts: 594
Hi dumont. And hi to lukedamien and all the younger guys. I first went looking for help in college when the panic attacks paralyzed me and threatened to keep me from graduating. I found a good therapist at that time who focused a lot on coping but not so much on the deeper issues. Maybe that was what I needed at the time, I dunno. I also went looking for an online site and ended up on a woman-dominated recovery site where I basically found myself being bulled for my gender. I don't blame them. Hurting people hurt people. Plus that was 13 years ago and the internet in general was a much more wild place back then (hard to believe, its not exactly civilized now, but it really was a lot more chaotic back then even on support sites. Pretty much everyone, even administrators, were what we would now think of as newbies).

Anyway, all that to say I'm glad you have found a place like this and I hope you find what you need.
_________________________
Like a spent gladiator
crawling in the colosseum dust
who can count on his remaining limbs
all the people he can trust.
Like the one who stands behind him
cheering him on
Estatic when he stands defiant,
wild with abandon when he's gone

just stay alive.
do whatever you need to.
you are worth it.

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#431011 - 04/12/13 11:32 AM Re: Hi, I'm dumont [Re: dumont]
dumont Offline


Registered: 03/28/13
Posts: 34
Loc: No where
Thank you every one for being so welcoming and kind.
It feels good and safe.

To "Mr. Cool" (That's you Still, hehe)

I didn't explain very well what I meant by " most people here seem older". I just felt I didn't have a lot to offer to more experienced guys who know the language of recovery and abuse. I felt really out of my depth. I meant no insult or slight to anyone. smile

But if I am really honest with you; I do have some issues with telling my story to some older men. There is a history of my story being turned against me by adults to justify all kinds of really mean and unfair treatment and discrimination. My story was also a way for some guys to "get at me", get off and use me the way they thought I deserved.
So I am a little cautious, sorry.

But blah blah blah ... I'm happy I found you.

dumont

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#431041 - 04/12/13 04:50 PM Re: Hi, I'm dumont [Re: dumont]
Jacob S Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/01/13
Posts: 594
cautious is good. Trust is earned.
_________________________
Like a spent gladiator
crawling in the colosseum dust
who can count on his remaining limbs
all the people he can trust.
Like the one who stands behind him
cheering him on
Estatic when he stands defiant,
wild with abandon when he's gone

just stay alive.
do whatever you need to.
you are worth it.

Top
#431047 - 04/12/13 07:21 PM Re: Hi, I'm dumont [Re: dumont]
lapchinj Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/07/11
Posts: 1185
Loc: New York
Hey Dumont,

I don't hurt from being called " most people here seem older". After my mother finished with me calling me all sorts of descriptions that older stuff doesn't bother me at all. I don't think anyone here took that as a slight.

Being here is a big step and don't think you don't have anything worthwhile to offer anyone her. You never know when you save someones life. As for your story go slow. Only talk about what you feel you want and can talk about. Don't think that you have to tell your complete history by the end of this week. There is no late fees or penalties at all smile.

just imagine what Niki Niki 9 Door did for me, it brought back an avalanche of great memories with my best friend and pissed off a lot of people grin. You never know what simple little thing like ringing a door bell can do for someone.

Take your time, you're here to heal first and formost. We're happy you found us also. MS is like a magnet, it attracts all types of fucked up great guys smile.

Peace, Rainbows, Love & Healing
<3 XOXO
Jeff
_________________________
Stick around, It will get better....

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#431225 - 04/14/13 10:35 AM Re: Hi, I'm dumont [Re: dumont]
dumont Offline


Registered: 03/28/13
Posts: 34
Loc: No where
Thank you all again for your help.
I am trying to take my time, but it's taking to long!!!
I am chomping at the bit to deal with this. It's true that I am very close to my abuse and I do act out and recreated it.
But I am finally in a safe place. I have a place of my own, I don't need to look around for food or shelter. I am not being used against my will. So i have time to sit, think and breath.
The only problem with that luxury is that I do think and i remember; well my body remembers. My mind always remembered what happened, it just never knew what it really meant.
So all this is to say I get scared and I don't my new freedom to make me a slave to my past.
I'm not running away or running to something; I'm just running scared in one spot.
dumont
p.s. I have no idea what any of that meant. It was just there at the end of my finger tips




Edited by dumont (04/14/13 10:44 AM)

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#431267 - 04/14/13 09:05 PM Re: Hi, I'm dumont [Re: dumont]
lapchinj Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/07/11
Posts: 1185
Loc: New York
Hey Dumont,

Take it slow and easy, you will get a greater benefit healing that way. I also thought when I heard guys were 3, 4, 5 or more years in therapy and I would think to myself wow that's a long time. Yeah it is but here I am at about 1-1/2 years in therapy already. There was a lot about myself I had to learn first in order to go a little further in my healing.

Good luck smile

Peace, Rainbows, Love & Healing
Jeff
_________________________
Stick around, It will get better....

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#431340 - 04/15/13 06:07 PM Re: Hi, I'm dumont [Re: dumont]
bodyguard8367 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/16/12
Posts: 1159
Loc: ""
""


Edited by bodyguard8367 (02/26/14 10:54 PM)

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