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#429839 - 04/02/13 02:59 PM Had my first bad public moment. Still numb.
Agate Offline


Registered: 03/20/13
Posts: 37
Loc: Minnesota
Hello all, first non intro post here. Boy am I glad I have a place to write this down....

My wife made a discrete inquiry for a Thearpist with my sister in law who is an
Office manager at a psych/counseling clinic in the exurbs of the city I live in for a
Male Thearpist with positive CSA experience. She talked to the staff and passed on some good references.

She also saw thru my wife's discreetness and labeled me as the one seeking help.
I was ok with that. I know she is bound by confidentially ethics. So my secret is safe with the extended in law side of my family.

Well all was fine until Easter.

I got dragged to church and part of the service was a bunch of people standing up holding cardboard signs as to what this church has helped them with. A few had signs talking about rape and CSA. I disassociated. My wife was in tears next to me. Her random tears are always tough for me because I am very uncomfortable with such displays of negative emotion. I just want to fix it, but I can't and things I can fix just....

Well we got thru church and drove an hour to a waterpark where mother and father inlaw were hosting all bier brood. Total of 19 grandchildren. In the car I asked her why she was crying. She said" I was crying for you and your pain". Now I feel horrible and shamed. Not her fault. Just how I feel.
I started to feel very anxious that my sister in law had gossiped my story and I was about to walk into a room where everyone knew. I told wife and she assured me that I'm just anxious over nothing and calms me down.

Her family does not like me, I am tolerated but not adored. We just come from two different worlds. Her family all lives within 30 min of each other and are very rural. Social conservatives. Very catholic. I on the other hand was raised by bleeding heart liberal community organizer types, agnostic. So i am mostly ignored and left alone. After normal greetings no one engages me in conversation so I switch to lifeguard mode and watch a mess of kids swim. I'm ok with being left to my thoughts.

After being there for an hour I notice my wife and sister I law talking to eachother and watching me. Instant paranoia. I start to sweat.

I bottle it up

30 min later sister in law comes up behind me taps me on the shoulder and says quietly I'm glad you are seeking help, I see lots of people dealing with this, you are not alone, blah blah blah. Nice heartfelt stuff, but absolutely the last thing I wanted brought up

My panic is so bad I run to the bathroom, vomit. I take a quick walk around the building. When I get back wife snaps at me about disappearing and where I went. I lose it.
Argument ensues in front of whole family.

Not a good day




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#429840 - 04/02/13 03:12 PM Re: Had my first bad public moment. Still numb. [Re: Agate]
cant_remember Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/05
Posts: 1039
It's good that you stood up for yourself, and it's good that you came here and wrote it down.

It's not good that your wife shared at a holiday event, and you are right to be upset with her for not respecting your privacy and space, especially after she told you not to worry about anyone knowing only to then tell people herself. That's no good.

Cant
_________________________
Recovery is possible. Hang in there, brothers.

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#429841 - 04/02/13 03:16 PM Re: Had my first bad public moment. Still numb. [Re: Agate]
Agate Offline


Registered: 03/20/13
Posts: 37
Loc: Minnesota
She didn't share anything. It was all my paranoia.

That's the scary part. Until a few weeks ago I was so grounded and rational.
Wait that's a lie. I just hid it better.

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#429842 - 04/02/13 03:19 PM Re: Had my first bad public moment. Still numb. [Re: Agate]
Agate Offline


Registered: 03/20/13
Posts: 37
Loc: Minnesota
Family does not know why we had argument in public. Just that I lost it.

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#429843 - 04/02/13 03:21 PM Re: Had my first bad public moment. Still numb. [Re: Agate]
Agate Offline


Registered: 03/20/13
Posts: 37
Loc: Minnesota
So another lie probably must be told on my behalf to explain my actions. I'm just so sick of lying.

Lying and pretending everything's ok 35 years ago got me here.

Enough.

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#429845 - 04/02/13 03:50 PM Re: Had my first bad public moment. Still numb. [Re: Agate]
cant_remember Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/05
Posts: 1039
(((( Agate ))))

Hang in there.

We feel the same way sometimes, triggered in public because we misread or misinterpreted something and blew it out of proportion. We've been there.

The good side? Being angry about nothing, as you were at Easter, is better than dissociating from it or bottling it up. In short, it's progress.

There's an opportunity to take control of the situation you've found yourself in. For instance, you now have the opportunity to disclose to her family on your own terms, in order to explain your behavior.

It's a tough thing to do, but what do you have to lose if they don't much like you already?

We're here for you.

Cant
_________________________
Recovery is possible. Hang in there, brothers.

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#429864 - 04/02/13 07:29 PM Re: Had my first bad public moment. Still numb. [Re: Agate]
Still Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6401
Loc: 2.5 NATO Nations
WOW! I had the same church experience the Easter following my disclosure. Cards and various people taking the stage.

My in-laws and ex are all from MN. PM me if you wanna talk about disclosure and the MN Christian culture. WOW....not good in my case.

You know...I'm very glad you have this place to talk to.
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