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#429838 - 04/02/13 02:53 PM One way or the other
focusedbody Offline


Registered: 02/03/13
Posts: 373
Loc: NY
MBing, one way or the other

Let me start by saying a foreword: I am 50 years old, separated from the MOMC (Mother of my Children), terrified of intimacy and looking back on a life of being subtly but strangely connected and disconnected from my body. What have I got to lose by letting loose. . .

I remember when I was in grade school that we would climb the ropes in gym class. I remember this wonderful feeling as I had the rope between my legs going up. I kinda couldnít wait to do it again.

I remember being in the bathtub and hiding my penis between my legs.

In my teens when I would MB, the p. would stay between my legs most of the time. It was preferred by moi. I was still doing this in my late twenties and occasionally up until the present day.

Anybody getting it yet? What Iím trying to say is that Iím not quite sure that I was interested in having a p. as much as having a v., at least when it came to sexual feelings. Why? Well, for lots of reasons, some of which I describe below.

The only reason thatís missing is that I miss the boy in me. I miss him feeling okay and knowing he is all right.

Growing up being a boy was pretty much a liability. It seems that I was talked out of being any kind of real man as early as I can remember. This was done by my brother and Dad who seemed anxious about being male and got me to not want that by way of negative association. Of course, there were other dynamics that I have elucidated elsewhere, which most likely go back to infancy, but Iím trying stay focused hereÖ.!

Now is a different story. I feel this man in me. He wants to MB any way he wants. If heís going to MB by putting mr. P between the legs, he wants to know that itís not because he is ashamed of anything. If he's not going to put mr. P there, he wants to know that nothing is lost. And he wants to be whole for someone in addition to himself.

Iím just not quite sure what the shame and confusion is all about. Any thoughts or personal reflections on this incredibly important subject matter would be much appreciated!

Focused
_________________________
Lose the drama; life is a poem.

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#429906 - 04/03/13 01:50 AM Re: One way or the other [Re: focusedbody]
focusedbody Offline


Registered: 02/03/13
Posts: 373
Loc: NY
Hereís a few more boring details.

When I was about five, I began to pursue my father in a sexual way. This confusion has lasted pretty much up until the present day. What I understand is that my father had created this relationship with my mother where he was free to do anything he wanted, as long as she didnít know about it. Well as much as that sounds safe to some people, it would basically imprint a strange form of behavior and consequent adaptation from me.

Because I had some affection from my Dad, I started trying to show my mother and my sister how to attract him sexually, how to get him to stay home more. How do I know this? There has always been this strange, somewhat dangerous sexual area between my Dad and I. He isnít particularly homophobic and neither am I, so this kind of sexual dynamic between us just kind of sits there like some weird game. Now that I have kids of my own, it has been easier to trace the behavior back to being that young.

So being a real man around my father would definitely bring up issues, such as what if he really acted on the attraction? As far as Mom goes, she was a burgeoning feminist way back then, but had no interest in playing around like my Dad did. That meant she coped, chose her battles and gave us a great childhood. Unfortunately, the only way to keep her in balance was to have a child with whom her desires would feel more at peace, which is where I came in. I became her pillow, her comfort, the one who gave her attention. Whatís even more distorted here is that I recently have uncovered a behavior in which I feel this need to scout out possible male mates for her, as a female.

So it is the oddest thing with me and yet real. I have a woman in me who wants a man for my Mom and a man in me who thinks he can get Dad to stay home. Can these two separate identities coexist? Yes, thatís what they have been doing all my life.

A couple of years ago, I got a psychiatric consultation. I wondered if I might have a dissociative identity disorder. The diagnosis was that have an impaired self-reference. I think that what that means is that the true me, the real me, the man and not the woman, the person of dignity and not the male concubine, he must be front and center. Keeping him there can be really disorienting at times.

Thatís the real reason for the post.

Focused
_________________________
Lose the drama; life is a poem.

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#429924 - 04/03/13 09:14 AM Re: One way or the other [Re: focusedbody]
peroperic2009 Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/11
Posts: 3621
Loc: South-East Europe
Hi Focused,
interesting post I must admit. Well to tell you the true when I was not in situation that would allowed me to MB and I felt need I did something similar like you. Those where moments when I couldn't have time for self and when I was not left to be alone.
I don't related that in any sense with idea of having some preferences. Simply there are many ways to get some pleasure and under given circumstances I found own one. Plus it was safe as others weren't involved and it gave me certain freedom and feeling of safety, so basically I never felt ashamed when I did it.
When I've learned about dissociative disorder I wondered did I have had something similar. Whenever I would be under some pressure in my mind I would leave present and skip into some fantasy world and that is why I thought about it. I lived like that for many years and I endured many difficult situations. I wonder if there is some similarity with your "impaired self-reference", in any case it worth to search further. Thank you for sharing your story with us!

Pero
_________________________
My story

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#430020 - 04/03/13 06:58 PM Re: One way or the other [Re: focusedbody]
focusedbody Offline


Registered: 02/03/13
Posts: 373
Loc: NY
Thanks, Pero.

Many heartfelt thanks. Your acknowledgment of my experience is helping me a lot. I want to stay present. I've made some really big strides. I'm having nice moments with people I care about.

The fantasy world skipping I can understand. As the difficulties increase and the fear of the present grows, other ways of seeing feel better.

Now that I have taken the time to identify the fear, it seems to want to engulf me. I'm looking for new ways to say, "Hey, see I knew you were here. Now do we have to be so scary all the time? Can we just get used to walking without you every now and then? Don't worry, you'll have my attention, I just need to breathe and gather my strength to give it to you".

Something like that.

FB
_________________________
Lose the drama; life is a poem.

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