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#429789 - 04/02/13 04:37 AM I just want to be normal (venting)
si Offline


Registered: 08/11/12
Posts: 45
Loc: Utah
I just want to be normal. I don't want to be a victim/survivor or whatever arbitrary stage I'm at. I don't want to be that 1 out of 6. I don't want the abuse to define my life. I don't want to have a "story" of a struggle I had to overcome. I know it's selfish but I want to be one of the 5 out of 6. I didn't ask for anything, I just got caught up in a bad situation. I don't want for people to think everything bad I do is acting out or somehow related to CSA. I don't want to know what it's like to be touched sucked and fucked like a porn star. I don't want to live this way.

I want to live, but I want to live normally. I'm still that confused little boy thinking wtf is going on.

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#429806 - 04/02/13 11:17 AM Re: I just want to be normal (venting) [Re: si]
Jude Offline


Registered: 08/09/12
Posts: 1600
Loc: New England
Yes Si!

I hear ya. Carrying this burden seems unfair and miserable. And normal looks like an awfully good alternative.

But personally I have to accept that for me "normal" includes everything that happened to me and the affect its had on my life. I'm learning to live with all that, and just be whats normal for me.

Jude
_________________________
Seems I've got to have a change of scene
Every night I have the strangest dreams
Imprisoned by the way it could have been
Left here on my own or so it seems
I've got to leave before I start to scream
Joe Cocker

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#429810 - 04/02/13 11:27 AM Re: I just want to be normal (venting) [Re: si]
Still Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6607
Loc: FEMA Region 1
When the pervs kick us off our intended paths, we seem to never find our way back. And if we DO find our way back, we no longer feel right for that path. We are not that same traveller at that same point where/when we left. We are older than we are supposed to be at this point on the path.

We are dazed, so we cannot maintain a path-walk; so we spin out of control and back into the great woods of unknown.

Events of OUR lives guaranteed we were never to be fully placed back into that normal path.
_________________________
Hell needs firewood too ya know!

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#429856 - 04/02/13 05:25 PM Re: I just want to be normal (venting) [Re: si]
Zug Offline


Registered: 02/18/13
Posts: 56
Loc: Progress
Im right there with you today, I didnt ask for any of this.
_________________________
"what matters most is how well you walk through the fire"
-Charles Bukowski


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#429861 - 04/02/13 06:15 PM Re: I just want to be normal (venting) [Re: si]
dumont Offline


Registered: 03/28/13
Posts: 34
Loc: No where
Damn si,
I love the voice you use for this vent. It seems so strong, so sure and so ready to take the world on. I wish i could find a voice like that. I looking for it but it seems to get lost. I'm going to find it. I'm gonna try.

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#429862 - 04/02/13 06:28 PM Re: I just want to be normal (venting) [Re: si]
Zug Offline


Registered: 02/18/13
Posts: 56
Loc: Progress
Dumont, u will get there.
_________________________
"what matters most is how well you walk through the fire"
-Charles Bukowski


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#429895 - 04/02/13 10:45 PM Re: I just want to be normal (venting) [Re: si]
BraveFalcon Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/25/13
Posts: 1147
Loc: The ATL

Hello Si. While my CSA experiences were a lot different than yours, I can relate to a lot of what you've expressed here. I think we all probably can. My own CSA impacted me in ways that affect every aspect of my life, every day of my life, and will continue to until the day I die. I will say that the older I have gotten, the more I have made peace with who and what I am today and the less time I've spent thinking things like, "I just want to be normal", etc. It isn't always easy but healing from these things never is. Especially when the healing may never be complete and the scars left are permanent.

I'm going to reveal myself as an ENORMOUS dork now, but here goes anyway....

The Lord of the Rings is probably my favorite story of all time. (Both the books and the movies.) There is a line in the movie that I find great comfort and clarity in, regarding this very type of thought process/emotion. (I don't remember if this line was in the book.)

In this scene Frodo wants to give up, because being bound to the ring of power is such an overwhelming burden to bare. In his despair and hopelessness he says to the wizard Gandalf, "I wish the ring had never come to me. I wish none of this had happened." To which Gandalf replies, "So do all who live to see such times, but that is not for them to decide. All you have to decide is what to do with the time that is given to you."

Perhaps I'm the only person in the world who could find some clarity and strength in that quote, but I do, so I figured I'd share it. I hope you get to feeling better about things soon. Peace,

Ken

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#429950 - 04/03/13 11:40 AM Re: I just want to be normal (venting) [Re: si]
Castle Offline


Registered: 10/03/09
Posts: 734
Loc: NJ
"Normal" is just a setting, on the washing machine.

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#429952 - 04/03/13 11:45 AM Re: I just want to be normal (venting) [Re: si]
Castle Offline


Registered: 10/03/09
Posts: 734
Loc: NJ
that quote always sticks with me. Who's definition of normal?

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#429953 - 04/03/13 11:48 AM Re: I just want to be normal (venting) [Re: si]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3518
Loc: somewhere in Africa
i'm with you all the way on this one, si - and all you other guys, too!

Ken - if you're a dork, then i like dorks - and i guess i am one, too. your quote is very meaningful to me, too.

thanks, all!
Lee
_________________________
As my life goes on I believe somehow something's changed
Something deep inside...
I've been searchin so long to find an answer
Now I know my life has meaning
Now I see myself as I am, feeling very free...
When my tears have come to an end I will understand
What I left behind: a part of me. Chicago


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