Newest Members
DougieB, sethpeterson, R Ellis, SailingAway, Kitty6
12320 Registered Users
Today's Birthdays
Healer (53), Kilo (21), sdsjr (40), surfdude (57)
Who's Online
2 registered (Austintexan, 1 invisible), 22 Guests and 4 Spiders online.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Forum Stats
12320 Members
74 Forums
63373 Topics
443142 Posts

Max Online: 418 @ 07/02/12 07:29 AM
Twitter
Page 4 of 5 < 1 2 3 4 5 >
Topic Options
#433827 - 05/06/13 09:31 PM Re: Was anyone ever used in child porn? [Re: jasondoe101]
genedebs Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/09/12
Posts: 285
Loc: MO
Hi all

I read the horror stories that you present and I feel that my experience detracts from the significance of your survival.

But I am 64 years old and it is only in the last few months that I accepted for myself that it was pornography. Back in 1961, I was 12 years old. My mother had a photographer friend, and she had me take off my clothes. At various stages of undress he took pictures. I was confused about my reaction when I was naked, I had an erection.

My mother asked the photographer to "cut down the pictures." I asked why. She said so I wouldn't be embarrassed when I was older. I have tried to define this experience as anything other than an incestuos pornographic product.

I have never considered the idea that it was distributed, nor that it is on the web. Nor am I going to try to find out. What I do have is a picture which is just of my head and shoulders. When my ex-wife and I were getting divorced I asked her to at least take the picture down and no longer show it other memorabilia on the china closet. She refused. So there is at least one picture out there, but it is not pornogtraphic, it is just one part of a pornographic picture.

I felt I needed to share this on this "thread" since accepting the truth of our experiences is an essential part of recovery, and I can no longer say "It was just one of those bizzare things that happened."


Edited by genedebs (05/06/13 09:32 PM)

Top
#433830 - 05/06/13 09:47 PM Re: Was anyone ever used in child porn? [Re: jasondoe101]
lapchinj Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/07/11
Posts: 1179
Loc: New York
Hey David,

I had the help with one of the guys here on MS who helped me understand the times I was living through in the '60s in Greenwich Village in NYC, midtown Manhattan and out in Hempstead, Long Island. With his help I put together 99% of my puzzle. With his help I saw that I wasn't molested in a bunch of unrelated incidents but that everyone was tied together by one common organization.

Finding out who ran what or who paid protection money made my story come together. The mafia were probably the only people that would let you stay in business. I don't know what Washington State had in those days if the mafia was there also. I guess they go were the money is.

My father was just the opposite of your. Mine never touched me or even spoke to me much. My mother was the bitch in the house. No incest but a lot of beatings and enemas. I more or less left home at 12, and my mother started spending winters in Florida when I was 13. I couldn't ask for a better life without her. As for a kid, I think that incest is the worst thing anyone could do to a child. The kid has no place to find any peace or anyplace to hide.

Originally Posted By: David Mac
.... thugs who were threatening him and his family......

Weren't you part of his family? Did you disown him or he you? He is supposed to protect his family not sell his kids because he had problems with thugs. He probably continued on doing what he did to get in trouble after you were sold. I'm sure that your pics and or movies are out there someplace on the internet. Don't go searching for your shit though.

Originally Posted By: David Mac
....I am very sorry for the way you were spoken to and abused by your torturers ....

I didn't mind the talking it's what came when the talking stopped crazy.

Peace, Rainbows, Love & Healing
Jeff
_________________________
Stick around, It will get better....

Top
#433839 - 05/06/13 11:07 PM Re: Was anyone ever used in child porn? [Re: jasondoe101]
Publius Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/13/12
Posts: 396
Loc: OH
I feel as if in the war against CSA we are advancing on many fronts. More kids are telling, more kids are protected, more people are becoming aware of the issue. However, child pornography is a battle I feel our society is losing terribly. As many of you pointed out child porn pictures, magazines, and movies were legal well into the latter half of the 20th century at least until New York v. Ferber in 1982 I think. Of course, this was not the end of the stuff it just drove it all underground. Then came computers and the internet. I can still remember first getting on a computer and joining a chat room for the first time back in the mid 90s. "A/S/L" all over the place but at the time I did not realize the implications. Now we have camera phones, webcams, and high speed internet all coupled with a wholly inadequate approach to teaching kids about protecting themselves from perps. We just handed kids the technology with little to no thought whatsoever. I am going to go ahead and say it. I feel like we live in the golden age of child pornography. I can recall someone on here sharing a story of how back in the 50s or 60s he had to be taken to an actual studio in order for the perps to film him. Today perps can do it from the comfort of their own home using a digital camera, smart phone, and/or internet connection. I believe there is hope in education, both public and private, but damn it to hell if we have not fallen behind on this aspect of CSA prevention.
_________________________
"Life is like this dark tunnel. You may not always see the light at the end of the tunnel, but if you keep moving, you will come to a better place." ~ General Iroh

Top
#433847 - 05/07/13 12:39 AM Re: Was anyone ever used in child porn? [Re: jasondoe101]
lapchinj Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/07/11
Posts: 1179
Loc: New York
Yeah Publius,

Child porn was on the newsstands in Manhattan, NYC until around 1970. You could buy the mags legally. I was in some of those mags. and like you said it then went underground. and now we have computers and the means to make kiddie porn in your bedroom. I think this sickness will continue forever. It infects society at all levels. It's not a poor mans enjoyment or for the uneducated, professors, doctors and politicians have also been hit with this sickness.

I think in the western countries we are making progress with going after these people, both the suppliers and consumers. And we are making progress. But as long as countries like Russia, Ukraine and others around there keep on pouring this shit out we're going to have a rough time. I found my shit on a bunch of sites, and without paying to enter, just using Google. It seemed that I wanted to find every picture of me but I stopped that because I proved to myself that it's all over the place.

I figure over the 9 years I was in the game there was somewhere about 17,000-20,000 pictures taken of me or with me. The movies that were made of me I never saw aside from the one with the cattle prod up my ass. But if these numbers were for film that had to be developed can you imagine how many pictures can be taken and put on line in an afternoon, a month, a year??? It boggles the mind. There are people who will take the chance to acquire this shit. But we are making a dent and that's progress.

Russia and it's close relations has a problem with corruption. In politics and in the police departments. I'm sure they are on the take. Money talks and even those people want to be a capitalists.

Peace, Rainbows, Love & Healing
Jeff
_________________________
Stick around, It will get better....

Top
#433887 - 05/07/13 12:28 PM Re: Was anyone ever used in child porn? [Re: lapchinj]
JayBro Offline


Registered: 11/13/12
Posts: 246
Loc: Germany
Hey Jeff,

I cannot imagine what it must have been like being in physical contact with your abusers- and for days at a time. My parents had no clue about what was going on in their own house, at their own family computer. I feel like it was so easy for them to have found out though. They now know what happened, however it is very difficult to talk about it head on with my folks, and if I mention it, it is in passing and with euphemisms (i.e. "that stuff that happened to me").

Did your sfather know what was going on? Were there any resources at the time, legal or otherwise to protect kids?

For me, the abuse and creation of child pornography began when I was 12 going on 13. I had come out to myself then as gay, but did not know any other gay people, I had my first sexual urges, and I was also feeling uncomfortable in my new body. I wanted to find trusted adults to talk to. I also did not see myself as a "kid" per se: I was sexually attracted to men, so when men took a sexual interest in me, I did not realise the extreme perversion on their side. It was not consenting adult to adult sexual activity; it was coerced and vulnerable child to adult.

The bus guy said he was 24, and I only ever heard his voice. He was probably the youngest of my then-abusers.

It really did not take long for these men to find me and have me do the things they wanted me to do. It went on for years, and became the only means I knew how to express myself sexually, by "allowing myself" to be used and abused. I hated it. I was so scared. I wanted to be accepted and loved, and felt that I was not worthy of loving, normal relationships.

They knew how to groom me at first, and as it progressed, I knew then what was expected of me, what to say, what to do etc. I was not "me" when it all happened, and any form of sexual arousal or contact with these men was coupled with de-personalisation and physical detachment from myself.

These feelings of detachment came to play when I was raped as a young adult (18 and 19) by men in my university town.
_________________________
,,Nun ging es immerzu, weit, weit bis an der Welt Ende."

Top
#433907 - 05/07/13 04:25 PM Re: Was anyone ever used in child porn? [Re: jasondoe101]
bodyguard8367 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/16/12
Posts: 1159
Loc: ""
""


Edited by bodyguard8367 (02/27/14 02:59 PM)

Top
#433912 - 05/07/13 05:20 PM Re: Was anyone ever used in child porn? [Re: jasondoe101]
David Mac Offline


Registered: 04/30/13
Posts: 57
Loc: Pacific North West
Hey Lapchinj,
Good to hear from you. When my dad was released from the army, he landed in NY. There he stayed. He was from North Dacota. After his stay in NY, left for Seattle. In Seattle, my dad was in full swing as con man. He could have easily gotten himself into trouble in the then sleepy little town. But I suspect he got himself into trouble in NY and fled to Seattle.

You give wise advice regarding a search for my photos and film. I admit it is very tempting. Not knowing how to find myself is the problem. I only remember bits and scraps. For three or four years now the memories have been leaking out of my heart. I had hoped that to see me on film would be to remember in entirety. Why do you think I should not search for me?

As the memories progressed and I became aware of what the situation was, my rage and resentment knew no bounds. My relationship with my dad was long ago polluted because of his sexual abuse. I entered in sexaholics anonymous and there for the first time was able to talk about my sexuality and my sponsor at the time agreed with me that I should sever the minimum contact I had with my dad in order to heal and gain sobriety. It was not a painful severing. It was peaceful and healing.

Mac

Top
#433939 - 05/07/13 09:20 PM Re: Was anyone ever used in child porn? [Re: jasondoe101]
lapchinj Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/07/11
Posts: 1179
Loc: New York
Hey Mac,

Yeah looking for your photos is not worth the aggravation. If you had pictures taken of you then they are on the internet. It isn't worth getting in trouble doing these searches. You know your out there. I gave it up after a couple of months. I was obsessed with finding me. I did find pictures and I wanted to find them all. But the pictures were getting really bad, not so much the ones of me but the other kids that were photographed. It bothered me very much. I had seen some of the real raunchy pictures of me and I wasn't surprised to see them. They're traded between sites like baseball card. It's not worth getting in trouble for.

I had about 400 pictures that I stole from my best friends sister's darkroom. Over the 9 years she took thousands of pictures of me and her brother. So when I got out of the USAF I put them in my duffel bag and they stayed there for 40+ years. I scanned in the pictures and shredded the original photos. I deleted the pictures which were really bad and saved some that were OK. Especially ones with my friends. These guys were my life and two of them were in the same game I was in. One kid I spent 7 great years with in the Village on a mattress on the floor in the corner of a room with 2 other street kids. Yeah me and my friend were pimped and photographed and all sorts of shit but we loved each other.

I divorced my parents when I was 12 and I lived great without them for 50 years. My mistake was to bring my parents up from Florida and live in an apartment I built onto my house. Shit that was the mother of all mistakes. Now my whole family suffers from them, well really my mother. My father is 98 and my mother is 93. I would pick up any stray dog in the street so I figured I would take them in.

The first inkling that I knew it was going to be fun was when we were unpacking the boxes from the move up here and my mother said "I didn't want to move up here, it was your father's idea". Well thanks ma. I offered to move them back down if she wanted. When I told my wife what happened to me as a kid the year before last, I told her about my mother so then she understood why I hated her and why she's such a bitch.

Don't stay and ruin your life or even have your blood pressure rise, he ain't worth it. I cannot see you suffering because of your father who did abuse you. Fuck him (no pun intended) he should be thankful you that you didn't get his ass put in jail.

Peace, Rainbows, Love & Healing
Jeff
_________________________
Stick around, It will get better....

Top
#433942 - 05/07/13 09:48 PM Re: Was anyone ever used in child porn? [Re: jasondoe101]
lapchinj Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/07/11
Posts: 1179
Loc: New York
hey JayBro,

Originally Posted By: JayBro
My parents had no clue about what was going on in their own house, at their own family computer. I feel like it was so easy for them to have found out though.

They didn't care what was going on with you. They should have spotted something going on or at least be involved with you enough to know something was amiss. That's not the rule though. I knew a guy who had a job for life. He was a fire inspector, a building inspector and very well regarded in the community. I knew him well enough over 30 years that when we would meet up we would bs a little. Anyway, some kids he molested 15 years ago came forward and said they were going to press charges so some councilman from Brooklyn got him out of the country. It's estimated that he could have molested over 200 kids in those thirty years. The worst part is that those kids that came forward were in the same classes as 3 of my boys. I went nuts when I found out and if I would have found that any of my kids were touched I probably would have killed myself for not being able to protect them. I thought since I was abused I could smell a child abuser a mile away. I didn't smell anything and I knew the guy well.

Anyway it is possible that they didn't see anything like I didn't. But as for my parents they didn't give a shit about me, I was only needed to be shown for their guests otherwise I didn't exist.

Originally Posted By: JayBro
Did your sfather know what was going on? Were there any resources at the time, legal or otherwise to protect kids?

Sfather was my surrogate father, my judo teacher, my pimp and my savior. I now know how much was done to me because of him but I still love him. He was the father I never had. Yes we had sex together but I really thought that kids had sex with their fathers.

Originally Posted By: JayBro
I wanted to be accepted and loved

I think this is always the case when incest is not involved. We search for someone to love us. My T told me that I loved sfather so much that I would do anything to keep him. So that's why he was able to pimp me and I now only over the past year figured out that it was he that sold me to the movie people. So we did anything to be loved. I know it sounds sick but I still love him, even though I haven't seen him in 40 years.

Originally Posted By: JayBro
I knew then what was expected of me, what to say, what to do etc.

When your in the game you know your cliental. You know what they want and what they liked. I never saw or collected any money but I did get a few dollars for me from them. Mine was very well to do people in Manhattan.

Peace, Rainbows, Love & Healing
<3 XOXO
Jeff
_________________________
Stick around, It will get better....

Top
#433988 - 05/08/13 01:18 AM Re: Was anyone ever used in child porn? [Re: bodyguard8367]
JayBro Offline


Registered: 11/13/12
Posts: 246
Loc: Germany
Hey Geoff!

I am so sorry to read about what you went through, but glad that we have been able to connect over something so personal and difficult.

When I originally went online, it was in a safe environment. It was a chatroom on a BBC Radio 1 message board called One Life for people to talk about life issues, and there was a monitored message board for gay/lesbian discourse. However, after several months the site was closed and I was forced to relocate to other avenues. I found one, but one day my dad saw that I was on a gay support website and flipped out. My parents were screaming and hitting me, and said things like they want me to die rather than be gay. My already faltering self-esteem and feelings of love took a bad turn, and when I went back online (avoiding the site I used), I was much more vulnerable to my abusers. I felt that that was normal, and that I was only worthy of such kind of "love" and attention from adults.

When I went to university, I became greatly dismayed by the gay community and the lack of acceptance or "realness", particularly among younger gays. Infact, I posted a video on the topic this week: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YF89FbSoTqc

I have never been in a romantic relationship with another before. I don't know if my abuse has anything to do with it. I have had countless one-nighters and as mentioned was raped in several of them, always disassociating and crying inside. Only 4 or so times have I experienced safe, respectful sexual encounters in my life. Sometimes I feel like I am damaged goods for a man, too imperfect and too unlovable. I really want that to change. I really want to find love for once in my life journey.

I think you are very brave. It is awful at times to think of the things that happened without our parents knowing frown

Thank you so much for your post
_________________________
,,Nun ging es immerzu, weit, weit bis an der Welt Ende."

Top
Page 4 of 5 < 1 2 3 4 5 >


Moderator:  ModTeam, TJ jeff 

I agree that my access and use of the MaleSurvivor discussion forums and chat room is subject to the terms of this Agreement. AND the sole discretion of MaleSurvivor.
I agree that my use of MaleSurvivor resources are AT-WILL, and that my posting privileges may be terminated at any time, and for any reason by MaleSurvivor.