I guess we all went through the phase of problem with looks.

Take a step back from what you see, do others perceive you the same negative way, or do they see things that you cannot see.

I spent most of my life either looking in mirrors, or avoiding them, and every day looking in the mirror before going to school and wondering if anybody could see the hurt in my eyes etc.

I guess I wondered if I even got through the day without another fight or the kids mocking me.
I remember a kid almost knock me out with a football he kicked at my head, and footballs weighed a lot more then.

I had my front teeth knocked out by some other kid then had my face smashed by another.
I got scars on my face and hands from kids stabbing me with pencils.

I had to run a daily gauntlet through life as a kid, constantly aware that I must have a sign to just freakin abuse him.

Andrei talks about the looking or acting younger way of life, but that is how I am, and I hate ppl taking advantage and treat me as a kid.

It is all down, I am sure, to boundary issues learned in the past, no more than that, but they sure are profound in younger days.

Is it any wonder we still run with these old tapes, as they were needed then, but not needed so much now.
Undoing these feelings would mean saying goodbye to an old friend.

And yes, abuse is an old friend, a part of me that will always mean so much to me.
I have a distorted lens on life, I cannot perceive what life can be like for others.

I can only perceive my life and my surroundings with what I learned, and how I learn to adjust in a harsh World, which I guess is a load better than some peoples lot.

There is no problem with your looks, it is of the past,

ste

Powerful discussion here. I have many of the same feelings here but wanted to dig a touch deeper. Besides making myself somewhat unattractive I believe related to pushing away the abuser (didn't happen though) I could not accept compliments of my appearance. Beyond that I had a fear of showing my body especially my penis. I would urinate in stalls and at boyscout camp during the group showers I wore swim trucks. I also refused to take showers after football practice or after a workout in the gym in late teens until I got home. I was ashamed of my penis around other men. After lots of sexual relationships with women I realized I had no reasons to fear showing my penis or being ashamed of it. (LEAVE THE LIGHTS ON!!) Has anyone had similar issues because of the abuse?

time2heal,

My own experience as a boy was that I was ashamed of my whole body, probably because of the incredibly cruel things the abuser did to humiliate me. Even if I was clothed, but especially if I was naked, I felt like I was wearing the abuse like a set of Christmas lights.

So far as my penis was concerned, I recall feeling bad and guilty that I was a boy - as if I had somehow chosen my sex myself. My penis reminded me why I was being abused, and I felt disgusted with myself that even this most private part of me wasn't really mine to control what was done with it anymore.

I wasn't ashamed of it, but my penis was a constant reminder of everything I considered to be terrible and shameful about myself.

Hope this helps.

Much love,
Larry

How many of us wear black or dark clothes?

I have a wardrobe full of black or grey shirts and black jeans, very little colour at all.
Is that an attempt to look inconspicuous?

More recently though I have become more daring, and I actually have a very smart shiny gold coloured Italian suit! ( it's not as bad as it sounds - honestly ) and I feel fabulous in it. I wear it and I feel as though I'm in a ZZ Top video to the "Sharp Dressed Man" song.
It is a 'statement' suit, and people do comment on it all the time, other men usually say "I wish I could get away with wearing that" and women love it, especially my wife.

It did take a certain amount of nerve to wear it at first, but the result was a massive boost in my confidence when I realised that wearing it actually said "look at me, I feel good in this suit". Which is something I don't feel in my only other suit, the dark grey one for funerals!

Dave

Dave,

I love the idea of you in a gold shiny suit! That is so cool!

My wardrobe is devoid of taste or nerve I think. A few dark trousers, but mainly blue jeans. Piles and piles of T shirts on all sorts of interesting themes, but regular shirts? Very traditional and all things that go with dark blue.

I came into my department one day in a nice suit and tie and it was hilarious. Everyone thought I was headed across the plaza to meet the University President. They say I never dress up unless I am going to see him and want more money for my department.

Much love,
Larry

Black, black, my color, my friend. If I could wear black pants to work every day of my life, I'd be happy. My wife tries to dress me sometimes. She wants me to wear pants without pleats. I have a very hard time with that. What if I show? Then she buys me kind of tight sweaters. I wore one to a bad therapist last month, and he said he thinks I have "identity issues", because I dress like I'm gay. I couldn't wait to get home and get that sweater off and replaced with my big comfortable shirt. I thought, "My wife made me wear it! Honest! It wasn't something I picked out!" But the truth of it is I feel vulnerable in any clothes that show me. When I was in my teens I was skinny as a rail, but I wanted to wear any clothes that might be made by Coleman. (like the tent)

And I think it's a thing in my head that if I wear the wrong clothes, look the wrong way, they'll be able to see through my facade. That I'm really a slut or that I'm trying to be something I'm not. I just want to be me. It took me a long time to realize "The Body" wasn't the enemy, but there's a paranoia that if I wear something I shouldn't, I'll be "asking for it", that I'll have to play a part I don't want to play.