I didn't think that I would be back here because of my own shit but someone let me know about you. I don't know why the modteam would remove your posts but you will get to know what might be too triggering or improper to say here. It's usually for good reasons so don't let it get you down. I've had similar situations but you kind of get used to the flow with time so don't let it bother you too much, they do mean well and care for the good of the general population here.
That said. I was also used in kiddie porn photo shoots starting at 10 years old, I then met my judo teacher at 12 after being in judo school for a year or so. I loved the guy and I really think he loved me. I don't know if I'm right though but that's the way I still feel. He had pimped me starting when I was 12 and of course the photo shoots went along with that. The pimping started very innocently by him having to go run to the office (he said he was a lawyer) to take care of an emergency. That was late at night. He said he is dropping me off at a friends apartment and he'll pick me up when he's finished. Of cours that was the first of many times that year that he had emergencies at the office. I was officially being pimped. I am famous on the net I guess you can say. Some of those pics of me go back 50 years.
There is also a part of that story with him where I found out with the help of friends here that I was sold to movie makers when I was 14-1/2 and lasted about a year. I didn't know about that it had anything to do with my judo teacher who was in reality my surrogate father. I loved him and he was good to me. It wasn't just sexual but he took me all over NYC to all the museums and the World's Fair in '64 and '65. So he did everything my father didn't do. My mother was no fucken good either, still isn't. My father just never got involved when I was beaten by my mother, he just sat there reading his books while I got beaten. He is still the same but now he's a 98 year old man reading his books and my mother is now a 93 year old bitch
I usually don't like to mention this but I think at this point I must since you seem to be more or less in my boat. The movies were about the worst time of my life and it's these memories that are my current problems. Looking back at it now the whole movie thing only lasted a year but the main theme was pain and fucked up shit that people usually don't want to believe could happen to a kid or that that kind of shit sold. But from what you read in the papers it's still a big seller. Part of the movies was of course doing shit with other kids my age, but this wasn't the main shit it was just filler. Another part was me being viciously raped and abused by big musclebound fucks that would literally tear me up. If the movies wanted screaming then I wasn't given so much drugs before the sessions. That would be enough to bother me or anyone even after 45 years but what really destroyed me was having to rape and molest little kids around 6 years old which happens to be the age of a few of my grandchildren. I won't go into this further but I have to explain why I didn't protest.
The first time I was to do a little girl and boy. I refused the girl so they pushed her aside and gave me the boy. When I refused to do him they immediately turned me on my back tying my hands to the 2 corners of the bed they shoved a rod up my ass and tied my feet to the other corners of the bed. Then they turned on the electric. It went on for eternity. They finished with me by letting me sober up in front of a TV then they gave me something to eat and then dropped me off where they picked me up. The next week Tuesday when they picked me up they stripped me but never gave me any drugs but rather sat me down in a room with a movie screen and show me the movie they took with the two kids the week before. It wasn't very long but it showed a 14 year old kid being electrocuted. I don't know if that's a good word to use but that's what it was to me. It showed every thread of muscle in my body sticking out and me screaming. It was like I was suspended off the bed. All the time that they were showing me the movie there was a guy talking about how the next time I might not be lucky to sit here the next week, all the time while he rubbed me with that rod all over me including my mouth and between the chair I was sitting on and my ass. He kept asking me if I was going to be a good boy and listen the next time and I kept saying yes while I was crying and almost shitting on that chair. For the next year I would not disobey anything they said. I was a good boy and listened to my elders.
The photo shoots I was already used to before I met my judo teacher. The movies I thought I fell into myself and was never able to tell my judo teacher about because I was afraid since he always warned me about turning tricks that he didn't set up. I thought that I was talked into it by the tailor that my judo teacher had taken me to and I didn't know at the time until this past year that I was set up and being sold. So I'm sure that my judo teacher was making a mint out that also. It was only once a week but I was scared shit to open my mouth. I was very badly beaten doing those movies.
I finally got out of the game when I went into the USAF at 18. By that time I was really fucked up with all the drugs I had gotten into. I would shoot the kitchen sink if I could get it into a syringe. I started with drinking wine and sniffing glue at 10 and it just escalated into more and more drugs till I was shooting speed everyday till about 2 years after I got out of the USAF at 20.
I got to know the final pieces of my puzzle from someone here that I am very grateful to in which he told me that all porn in the city and out on long Island at the time were run by organizations and no, it wasn't the peace corpse. Because of that information I was able to put together my timeline from 10-18 years of age.
I think that you will do well to get involved here. First of all for your benefit but you will also be able to help others with their shit. It is not easy but you come to belong to a brotherhood which I sort of betrayed by disappearing from the site. I have to thank one of my friends here for telling me about you and it is because of you that I returned even if it's only for this one post.
Stay here and get involved, you will never find a better bunch of guys that knows from where you're coming that the people you will find here. There is a mess of help available to you here and you will heal with their help. but it's give and take and you need to get involved.
I hope I was able to help you a little and to know that you aren't alone. Your story is not unheard of. I know I didn't leave my profile up here or my avatar or signature but just know that you should stay and get involved and not fuck up and leave like I did, stay involved.Peace, Rainbows, Love & HealingJeff