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#430767 - 04/10/13 02:26 PM Re: Was anyone ever used in child porn? [Re: jasondoe101]
Suwanee Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/30/12
Posts: 686
Loc: Southeast USA
I don't know---and that is what makes recovery more difficult. He took pictures---unknown to me at the time. They were supposedly recovered and destroyed---but who the hell really knows if a few (or many) got loose into the wild?

I can assure you that I'm not looking for them.

Will
_________________________
Cruel Summer
My Journal

-Signs and traces left in stone
Ruins of a past unknown-

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#430825 - 04/11/13 12:08 AM Re: Was anyone ever used in child porn? [Re: jasondoe101]
lapchinj Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/07/11
Posts: 1166
Loc: New York
Hey Will,

I feel bad for being a pessimist but I'm sure they're out there. My pics are out there and I'm sure the videos also. Once on the net they will never disappear. So you don't even have to bother looking for them.

Peace, Rainbows, Love & Healing
Jeff
_________________________
Depression Feels Like Home, and Happiness is Just a Place I Visit

It will get better....

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#430895 - 04/11/13 04:30 PM Re: Was anyone ever used in child porn? [Re: jasondoe101]
Survivinguy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/22/09
Posts: 310
Loc: Colorado
Self-preservation tells me to let the thread go but there is one nagging part of the thread I didnt cover in my first response.

If it was legally possible I would want a photo from then - the fact is after more than 10 years of sexual abuse, being used in child sex rings, being physically tortured by them and then used again later by my older brother after dad stopped - I'm the only one who remembers anything. My brother says he doesn't remember and Dad is dead. A photo, even just an early one of dad making my brother and I expose and touch ourselves or each other while he takes pictures there in the family room would be the nail in Dad's otherwise pristine coffin - when he died everyone thought he was a great man.

Yea I hear my own bitterness and I know the path to healing doesn't really include digging up evidence of the crimes of a dead man but in another way I imagine honoring my 5-6 year old self and quieting anyone who casts doubt. I don't have doubt and my healing isn't dependent on anyone else corraborating my abuse but....one nail in his clean coffin....

Yep probably should have let this thread go.
_________________________
Survivinguy

============================================
I have to survive and I hope to thrive.

Alumni Dahlonega WoR May 2010
Alumni Sequoia WoR March 2012

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#430913 - 04/11/13 06:14 PM Re: Was anyone ever used in child porn? [Re: Survivinguy]
pufferfish Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/08
Posts: 6811
Loc: USA
Yes, I hear you on this.

The two perps, when I was 4 and then 12, were supposedly famous and/or great men. Not in my opinion.

The guy made movies of us when I was 4. Two other boys and myself. I've never seen them. I think it would make me sick to see them.

It was near Los Angeles, CA.

Puffer



Edited by pufferfish (05/08/13 05:16 PM)

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#430929 - 04/11/13 07:28 PM Re: Was anyone ever used in child porn? [Re: jasondoe101]
Poorsoft Offline


Registered: 02/20/13
Posts: 163
I do believe the vast majority of this kind of material, whilst is on the net; is often traded in groups. The ones who use the internet are the ones who do not have circles, most perps generally do have circles and share there own private collection. Some of that does make it on the net.

My perp, was a police officer and I'm pretty sure he still has the pics. Mother fucker.

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#430964 - 04/12/13 01:04 AM Re: Was anyone ever used in child porn? [Re: Survivinguy]
lapchinj Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/07/11
Posts: 1166
Loc: New York
Originally Posted By: Survivinguy
...If it was legally possible I would want a photo from then - .... A photo, even just an early one of dad making my brother and I expose and touch ourselves or each other while he takes pictures there in the family room would be the nail in Dad's otherwise pristine coffin - when he died everyone thought he was a great man.....one nail in his clean coffin....
I have some photos of me and I have seen photos of me on the net. That said I do not want to see them anymore. I know i was in magazines, photo shoots and videos and I'm sure that they are all on the net. The only video I ever saw of myself was when those movie people wanted to stress to me that I should be a good boy and listen to everything they said for me to do. They showed me a movie of me having a rod shoved up may ass and turned on. I can feel and see the electric till today going through my body and me screaming in pain. And yes I listened to them from then on and I was a very good boy frown.

I think that you can without seeing pictures like that put those nails in his coffin. Your brother might not remember just like I don't remember anything that happened to me before the age of 10.

It happened and if there are pictures they are on the internet. I feel very sorry that you had to go through that. This thread is important because we were used and we shouldn't hide from that fact.

Peace, Rainbows, Love & Healing
Jeff
_________________________
Depression Feels Like Home, and Happiness is Just a Place I Visit

It will get better....

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#433675 - 05/06/13 01:05 AM Re: Was anyone ever used in child porn? [Re: lapchinj]
JayBro Offline


Registered: 11/13/12
Posts: 241
Loc: Germany
JEFF! HUGS

That is just awful... I cannot find the proper words to describe how that makes me feel. I don't tend to think of where material of me went, and it is sometimes so hard to direct any anger because so many of these men were anonymous and did not show themselves, yet had me bare all... I remember some of their voices though, specific words they used, and occasionally the faces of those who had longstanding communication with me for months. One even wanted to buy me bus tickets to go to America and stay with him.

I have been on anti-depressants now for almost 2 years, since my first "realisation" or acceptance of what happened. My anxiety went through the roof and I had several melt downs- it even took me a while to mention what happened. I have seen a therapist at the university, but he was a general therapist who helped me deal with anxiety attacks, finding helpful books, grounding myself from flashbacks etc. I just graduated from university, so I will not have that resource anymore. Back in Fall of 2012, I requested from both my family dr and the Centre for Students with Disabilities at my university to give me a referral to a psychiatrist. Only recently have they booked me in: my first appointment ever with one will be on 16 May. I also really want to find therapists who deal with CSA but they are all so far away.

If only these men knew what their actions caused...
_________________________
H.U.G.S.- Helping Us Grow Spiritually

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#433790 - 05/06/13 04:50 PM Re: Was anyone ever used in child porn? [Re: jasondoe101]
David Mac Offline


Registered: 04/30/13
Posts: 57
Loc: Pacific North West
Thank you suwanee for this topic.

My incestous dad was in debt to thugs who were threatening him and his family. So he sold me to a child porn ring. They were made up of men and women, but they used older boys on the sets too. There was a small group of us, boys and girls.

At age 49 the memories began. It took a little while, but it all made sense - my memories of the past.

The first thing I wanted to do was find myself. The abuse occurred in 1965. What were the chances? I scoured the city newspapers 1964-1966 hoping to find some mention of a bust, but nothing.

I wanted to find somebody who was involved and ask them if they remembered me.

The disassociation was understandable, but it sure is painful when memories emurge.

mac

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#433791 - 05/06/13 04:54 PM Re: Was anyone ever used in child porn? [Re: jasondoe101]
David Mac Offline


Registered: 04/30/13
Posts: 57
Loc: Pacific North West
By the way Jeff, your account is very grievous. I am very sorry for the way you were spoken to and abused by your torturers. That kid was a great kid, and those people evil.

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#433823 - 05/06/13 09:01 PM Re: Was anyone ever used in child porn? [Re: jasondoe101]
lapchinj Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/07/11
Posts: 1166
Loc: New York
Hey JayBro,

I hope that appointment on the 16th goes OK, it would be better to have someone that is knowledgeable in CSA but we take what we can get and that doesn't mean they won't be able to help you.

How old were you when all that happened and when the guy wanted you to come to America ? I was always warned by sfather (surrogate father) that if I was not careful on the street I could disappear or end up in a river. Getting kids out of their home environment puts them in extreme danger since the kid becomes totally dependent on the pimp. The kids also doesn't know how to get around a foreign land so where will they run? Who can they trust?

I was picked up by someone off the street and kept for 2 days. I thought I was going to end up in the river, instead I was dropped off someplace in New York in the middle of the night with a pocket full of change to call sfather. I had no idea where I was. From then on sfather wouldn't let me or my friend Bobby out alone. If we just wanted to go get something to eat we had to go together.

Originally Posted By: JayBro
If only these men knew what their actions caused...

They didn't give a shit what pain they caused you. They either wanted their jollies or their money you brought in.

I feel I have to be careful of the pictures I use for my avatar just in case a troll or someone will use it in a search. I might be paranoid about it but it is what it is.

Peace, Rainbows, Love & Healing
Jeff
_________________________
Depression Feels Like Home, and Happiness is Just a Place I Visit

It will get better....

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