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#429631 - 03/31/13 01:38 PM Was anyone ever used in child porn?
jasondoe101 Offline


Registered: 12/22/12
Posts: 37
Were you the only one?
How did the abuser get you to do it?
Did he disseminate it?

My abuser (I use that term lightly since I still have affection for him and please don't start lecturing me from your soapbox about it) took pictures and other media. It was like a game but after awhile, I did not even notice. And yes, he put it out there and I have seen it.

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#429633 - 03/31/13 01:54 PM Re: Was anyone ever used in child porn? [Re: jasondoe101]
ThisMan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/22/13
Posts: 767
Loc: upper south




Edited by ThisMan (03/31/13 11:08 PM)
Edit Reason: poster's preference
_________________________
For now we see through a glass, darkly.



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#429634 - 03/31/13 02:02 PM Re: Was anyone ever used in child porn? [Re: ThisMan]
jasondoe101 Offline


Registered: 12/22/12
Posts: 37
[quote=]Modteam removed[/quote]
Reply removed.


Edited by ModTeam (03/31/13 10:57 PM)

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#429635 - 03/31/13 03:01 PM . [Re: jasondoe101]
Life's A Dream Offline


Registered: 08/25/11
Posts: 886
Loc: Bouvet Island
.


Edited by Life's A Dream (04/21/13 11:10 PM)

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#429641 - 03/31/13 05:50 PM Re: Was anyone ever used in child porn? [Re: jasondoe101]
Tanis2105 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/16/10
Posts: 47
Loc: SW Florida
Jasondoe101,

My T has been working on this issue and other points as it is a major roadblock in my recovery. I can tell you that my abuser took pictures and films of me both alone and with others and to this day (35 years later) I still find it difficult to talk about or deal with. He used Mike whom he called his ďnephewĒ to instigate it and eventually it turned into a game and later a tool to keep us quiet. In the beginning it didnít seem wrong but as time went on it just became a nightmare.
Like you I too have affection for this man as the bond and trust was that strong, any who judge you for that just donít understand. I canít say if anything ever got out as the internet wasnít around for public use in the mid 70ís but my fear is that material is out there and someday will come back to haunt me. You are a strong person to even ask this question and I hope you can find peace and healing here.

Tanis2105
_________________________
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YsnCq24hu9w

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#429658 - 03/31/13 08:36 PM Re: Was anyone ever used in child porn? [Re: jasondoe101]
txb Offline


Registered: 02/03/13
Posts: 181
Originally Posted By: jasondoe101
Were you the only one?
How did the abuser get you to do it?
Did he disseminate it?

My abuser (I use that term lightly since I still have affection for him and please don't start lecturing me from your soapbox about it) took pictures and other media. It was like a game but after awhile, I did not even notice. And yes, he put it out there and I have seen it.


No, it was me and his nephew.

He just told me I was doing it. I didnít have any choice. At first he said he wanted the pictures to remind him of us when we went home. I always hated it. Looking at the pictures he had of other kids always made me feel sick. I knew he wasnít just making them for himself and that heíd show them to other people.

Sorry Iím not actually sure what disseminate meansÖ if it means the same as distribute then he used the internet. I donít know if he got money for them or if he just traded them with other weirdos.

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#429672 - 03/31/13 10:35 PM Re: Was anyone ever used in child porn? [Re: jasondoe101]
cant_remember Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/05
Posts: 1038
Remaining fond of your abuser is not an uncommon phenomenon. There's a term for it: trauma bonding.

Cant
_________________________
Recovery is possible. Hang in there, brothers.

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#429684 - 03/31/13 11:24 PM Re: Was anyone ever used in child porn? [Re: cant_remember]
jasondoe101 Offline


Registered: 12/22/12
Posts: 37
Comment removed by Modteam

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#429694 - 04/01/13 12:16 AM Re: Was anyone ever used in child porn? [Re: jasondoe101]
pufferfish Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/08
Posts: 6811
Loc: USA
I report my abuse in making of kiddie porn in pufferfish story part 1.

http://www.malesurvivor.org/board/ubbthr...2889#Post212889

I was only 3 when it started but I was soon to be 4. It must have started soon after we moved into that area and lasted until we left about eight months later. No, I did not know what a movie camera was when I was that age. I remembered that "perp" was looking at a large black box while we boys were "performing" on a bed under a large skylight. Perp was a famous cartoonist and probably borrowed a movie camera from work. Years later my mother told me the names of the other boys. I only knew their first names then. (Robert and Robbie) Yes, they were children and grandchildren of some significant Hollywood persons. I do not feel free to present their names here. The perp took me to the cartoon studio where the cartoonists worked. I have recognized the interior of the studio in a compilation of cartoons from that period of time. Also the inside of the studio is pictured in some photos online. Perp's photo is online multiple times. It strongly resembles the drawing I made of him soon after I remembered these events. There is a lot of information about him online and in books. My family residence was in a special area where some significant persons in the movie industry were living (Lido Island, CA). John Wayne and others lived nearby.

So, was I just a dumb little kid? Not expected to remember all this?

I have answered the question of 'how he got me to do it' in my pufferfish story part 1.

No, I did not feel affection toward him. He was a very selfish man. This fact did not escape me even at my tender age. These kinds of opinions have been formed by his associates and they are available online.

What happened there in being (ab)used in making kiddie porn damaged me for the rest of my life. I have suffered long-lasting symptoms, dissociative disorder, social isolation, depression, PTSD, dyslexia, and ADHD. Also, i'm sure that abuse rendered me susceptible to being abused later by others.

Puffer



Edited by pufferfish (05/08/13 05:18 PM)

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#429780 - 04/01/13 11:56 PM Re: Was anyone ever used in child porn? [Re: jasondoe101]
lapchinj Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/07/11
Posts: 1166
Loc: New York
Hey Jason,

I didn't think that I would be back here because of my own shit but someone let me know about you. I don't know why the modteam would remove your posts but you will get to know what might be too triggering or improper to say here. It's usually for good reasons so don't let it get you down. I've had similar situations but you kind of get used to the flow with time so don't let it bother you too much, they do mean well and care for the good of the general population here.

That said. I was also used in kiddie porn photo shoots starting at 10 years old, I then met my judo teacher at 12 after being in judo school for a year or so. I loved the guy and I really think he loved me. I don't know if I'm right though but that's the way I still feel. He had pimped me starting when I was 12 and of course the photo shoots went along with that. The pimping started very innocently by him having to go run to the office (he said he was a lawyer) to take care of an emergency. That was late at night. He said he is dropping me off at a friends apartment and he'll pick me up when he's finished. Of cours that was the first of many times that year that he had emergencies at the office. I was officially being pimped. I am famous on the net I guess you can say. Some of those pics of me go back 50 years.

There is also a part of that story with him where I found out with the help of friends here that I was sold to movie makers when I was 14-1/2 and lasted about a year. I didn't know about that it had anything to do with my judo teacher who was in reality my surrogate father. I loved him and he was good to me. It wasn't just sexual but he took me all over NYC to all the museums and the World's Fair in '64 and '65. So he did everything my father didn't do. My mother was no fucken good either, still isn't. My father just never got involved when I was beaten by my mother, he just sat there reading his books while I got beaten. He is still the same but now he's a 98 year old man reading his books and my mother is now a 93 year old bitch smile.

I usually don't like to mention this but I think at this point I must since you seem to be more or less in my boat. The movies were about the worst time of my life and it's these memories that are my current problems. Looking back at it now the whole movie thing only lasted a year but the main theme was pain and fucked up shit that people usually don't want to believe could happen to a kid or that that kind of shit sold. But from what you read in the papers it's still a big seller. Part of the movies was of course doing shit with other kids my age, but this wasn't the main shit it was just filler. Another part was me being viciously raped and abused by big musclebound fucks that would literally tear me up. If the movies wanted screaming then I wasn't given so much drugs before the sessions. That would be enough to bother me or anyone even after 45 years but what really destroyed me was having to rape and molest little kids around 6 years old which happens to be the age of a few of my grandchildren. I won't go into this further but I have to explain why I didn't protest.

The first time I was to do a little girl and boy. I refused the girl so they pushed her aside and gave me the boy. When I refused to do him they immediately turned me on my back tying my hands to the 2 corners of the bed they shoved a rod up my ass and tied my feet to the other corners of the bed. Then they turned on the electric. It went on for eternity. They finished with me by letting me sober up in front of a TV then they gave me something to eat and then dropped me off where they picked me up. The next week Tuesday when they picked me up they stripped me but never gave me any drugs but rather sat me down in a room with a movie screen and show me the movie they took with the two kids the week before. It wasn't very long but it showed a 14 year old kid being electrocuted. I don't know if that's a good word to use but that's what it was to me. It showed every thread of muscle in my body sticking out and me screaming. It was like I was suspended off the bed. All the time that they were showing me the movie there was a guy talking about how the next time I might not be lucky to sit here the next week, all the time while he rubbed me with that rod all over me including my mouth and between the chair I was sitting on and my ass. He kept asking me if I was going to be a good boy and listen the next time and I kept saying yes while I was crying and almost shitting on that chair. For the next year I would not disobey anything they said. I was a good boy and listened to my elders.

The photo shoots I was already used to before I met my judo teacher. The movies I thought I fell into myself and was never able to tell my judo teacher about because I was afraid since he always warned me about turning tricks that he didn't set up. I thought that I was talked into it by the tailor that my judo teacher had taken me to and I didn't know at the time until this past year that I was set up and being sold. So I'm sure that my judo teacher was making a mint out that also. It was only once a week but I was scared shit to open my mouth. I was very badly beaten doing those movies.

I finally got out of the game when I went into the USAF at 18. By that time I was really fucked up with all the drugs I had gotten into. I would shoot the kitchen sink if I could get it into a syringe. I started with drinking wine and sniffing glue at 10 and it just escalated into more and more drugs till I was shooting speed everyday till about 2 years after I got out of the USAF at 20.

I got to know the final pieces of my puzzle from someone here that I am very grateful to in which he told me that all porn in the city and out on long Island at the time were run by organizations and no, it wasn't the peace corpse. Because of that information I was able to put together my timeline from 10-18 years of age.

I think that you will do well to get involved here. First of all for your benefit but you will also be able to help others with their shit. It is not easy but you come to belong to a brotherhood which I sort of betrayed by disappearing from the site. I have to thank one of my friends here for telling me about you and it is because of you that I returned even if it's only for this one post.

Stay here and get involved, you will never find a better bunch of guys that knows from where you're coming that the people you will find here. There is a mess of help available to you here and you will heal with their help. but it's give and take and you need to get involved.

I hope I was able to help you a little and to know that you aren't alone. Your story is not unheard of. I know I didn't leave my profile up here or my avatar or signature but just know that you should stay and get involved and not fuck up and leave like I did, stay involved.

Peace, Rainbows, Love & Healing
Jeff
_________________________
Depression Feels Like Home, and Happiness is Just a Place I Visit

It will get better....

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#429781 - 04/02/13 12:35 AM Re: Was anyone ever used in child porn? [Re: jasondoe101]
cant_remember Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/05
Posts: 1038
Jeff,

Good to see you again. Was thinking about you.

Cant
_________________________
Recovery is possible. Hang in there, brothers.

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#429817 - 04/02/13 12:36 PM Re: Was anyone ever used in child porn? [Re: lapchinj]
petercorbett Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/27/08
Posts: 2433
Loc: TEXAS
Jason, my fraternal brother.

Had seen this post a bit earlier, I was in a quandary in making a comment.

First, like you i fell in genuine love with the person whom had used me. I still love him to this day, but in a different way. There are a few of your brothers that share those same feelings. One of our brothers here in trying to help me to come to terms about it gave me a possible explanation why this happens to us. It was titled the Stockholm Syndrome.

Fortunately i was not sold into kiddie porn. but there are a few of my brothers here whom i care deeply for who were. I try and help them along as best as i can. But, about the only real help that i can offer them & now you, my fraternal brother, Jason. Is the only thing that i possess besides my name as everything else was taken from me as that young boy ("mom.)" Is
my Compassion, Understanding, hope & love.

I sure hope &...gulp...pray that you and those others can come to terms with themselves in their journey to survival.

Jeff, my brother, great to see you here, you are sorely missed.

Wishing all my brothers here well in healing & life.

"I will take that lost boys hand, and I will lead him from the depths of darkness, into the sunshine, forever into eternity." As he is me.

Pete..Irishmoose.


Edited by petercorbett (04/02/13 03:00 PM)
_________________________
Working Boys' Home 10-14 yrs old, grades 5-8. 1949-1953
____________________________________________________________
A very humble alumni of the WOR Dahlonega, GA.
May 15-17 2009, Alta, Sep. 2009. Sequoia, 2010.
Hope Springs, 2010.


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#429835 - 04/02/13 02:34 PM Re: Was anyone ever used in child porn? [Re: jasondoe101]
bodyguard8367 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/16/12
Posts: 1159
Loc: ""
""


Edited by bodyguard8367 (02/26/14 09:59 PM)

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#429849 - 04/02/13 04:50 PM Re: Was anyone ever used in child porn? [Re: jasondoe101]
lapchinj Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/07/11
Posts: 1166
Loc: New York
Thanks guys, I'm a little fucked up but I shouldn't have done what I did with my posts, it was very selfish of me.

But this thread belongs to Jason

Peace, Rainbows, Love & Healing
Jeff
_________________________
Depression Feels Like Home, and Happiness is Just a Place I Visit

It will get better....

Top
#429918 - 04/03/13 08:16 AM Re: Was anyone ever used in child porn? [Re: jasondoe101]
Survivinguy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/22/09
Posts: 310
Loc: Colorado
Trigger warning:

My dad took photos of me and my brother undressing and then touching each other. He treated it as a game and told us it was to see how brave we could be. He told us touching each other was something only boys do and moms dont know because they dont have penises. The photographing started around 1974. I believe he used the photos to gain access to a child sex ring which he traded me into several, several times from about age 6 to age 11 or 12. I expect the photos still exist. I was likewise tortured by him and other men. I never understood what happened that made them switch from molesting and raping me to torturing me except perhaps to prevent me from disassociating.

And my other two cents: we aren't here to judge your relationship with your abuser. We are here to support you and to hear you.

Stay strong.
_________________________
Survivinguy

============================================
I have to survive and I hope to thrive.

Alumni Dahlonega WoR May 2010
Alumni Sequoia WoR March 2012

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#429999 - 04/03/13 04:14 PM Re: Was anyone ever used in child porn? [Re: jasondoe101]
lapchinj Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/07/11
Posts: 1166
Loc: New York
Hey survivinguy,

Those pics do exist and are probably all over the net by this time. My pics from 50 years ago are on many sites and I would imagine the videos also although I never saw the videos even after they were made.

Thanks for mentioning your 2 cents about the relationship with the abuser. I have the same problem as Jason even though I know now that my sfather (surrogate father) sold me to the movies where I was viciously beaten for the smallest infraction. I'm really glad that you stressed that, thanks from me also.

Peace, Rainbows, Love & Healing
Jeff
_________________________
Depression Feels Like Home, and Happiness is Just a Place I Visit

It will get better....

Top
#430035 - 04/03/13 10:34 PM Re: Was anyone ever used in child porn? [Re: lapchinj]
pufferfish Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/08
Posts: 6811
Loc: USA
I'm also just curious as to whether the vids of the kiddie porn using me are still out there. The celluloid film would have crumbled, but perhaps it got turned into a dvd. I will not go looking for it. That would be foolish and if I found it I would probably become very ill.

Puffer

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#430073 - 04/04/13 10:35 AM Re: Was anyone ever used in child porn? [Re: jasondoe101]
moeron42 Offline


Registered: 03/28/13
Posts: 3
Loc: Texas
My abuser locked me in a room with one of my friends and wouldnt let us out until we had sex together. he filmed it. when torrenting started getting to be a big thing i use to try to find it. then i realized that this was a felony.

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#430702 - 04/10/13 12:05 AM Re: Was anyone ever used in child porn? [Re: jasondoe101]
JayBro Offline


Registered: 11/13/12
Posts: 241
Loc: Germany
For six years I was used in child porn by men I met online, most of whom were abroad in the US or UK. They not only did webcamming with me, but had me send pics and videos- who knows, maybe they also recorded me or took screen shots.

My stomach turns thinking about it and reading this thread has been rather triggering for me.

I have never really given it much thought if that stuff is out there, but I was abused by 100s of men, and I don't doubt it. However, dwelling on such a painful "what if" only continues a spiral of counter-productivity to my healing.

How do you fellow survivors of CSA- but particularly child porn- cope and recover from these experiences? Mine has left me with depression/anxiety and PTSD
_________________________
H.U.G.S.- Helping Us Grow Spiritually

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#430712 - 04/10/13 01:36 AM Re: Was anyone ever used in child porn? [Re: jasondoe101]
lapchinj Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/07/11
Posts: 1166
Loc: New York
Hey Jaybro

That's what it leaves us with, you're not an exception. I do have to add something I said before and that is your shit is all over the web. My stuff is 40 and 50 years old and it was in magazines that were sold in newsstands in Manhattan back in the 60's and underground after that until the net came along. Now I can see myself in black and white and color. The movies that were made of me are probably videos and are also on the net someplace. But I never saw those back then or now. I don't think I would want to see those videos. Our shit is traded like baseball cards. So it would go something like I will give you a picture of a 13 year old for 3 8 year olds. These guys are really sick, sick, sick. Sicker than you can imagine.

The only difference with me is that I was used in the flesh. I was pimped, beaten, tortured and had a lot of photo shoots and movies made.

Cope? It's hard but you have to hook up with a good T that is experienced in CSA and trauma and get to a shrink for some meds. I does make it easier in that the meds make you more stable while your T tries to straighten out your mind. But coping is still hard, at least for me.

Hopefully no one will recognize your pictures and if they do what the hell are they doing on those sites. It was easier for me in that no other pictures were taken of me after I was 10 years old aside from the porn.

Getting the right T is important. I'm still very fucked up but if I didn't get my T and he didn't get me a shrink for meds I wouldn't be here today. I know that for a fact.

Good luck and heal well smile

Peace, Rainbows, Love & Healing
Jeff
_________________________
Depression Feels Like Home, and Happiness is Just a Place I Visit

It will get better....

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#430767 - 04/10/13 02:26 PM Re: Was anyone ever used in child porn? [Re: jasondoe101]
Suwanee Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/30/12
Posts: 686
Loc: Southeast USA
I don't know---and that is what makes recovery more difficult. He took pictures---unknown to me at the time. They were supposedly recovered and destroyed---but who the hell really knows if a few (or many) got loose into the wild?

I can assure you that I'm not looking for them.

Will
_________________________
Cruel Summer
My Journal

-Signs and traces left in stone
Ruins of a past unknown-

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#430825 - 04/11/13 12:08 AM Re: Was anyone ever used in child porn? [Re: jasondoe101]
lapchinj Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/07/11
Posts: 1166
Loc: New York
Hey Will,

I feel bad for being a pessimist but I'm sure they're out there. My pics are out there and I'm sure the videos also. Once on the net they will never disappear. So you don't even have to bother looking for them.

Peace, Rainbows, Love & Healing
Jeff
_________________________
Depression Feels Like Home, and Happiness is Just a Place I Visit

It will get better....

Top
#430895 - 04/11/13 04:30 PM Re: Was anyone ever used in child porn? [Re: jasondoe101]
Survivinguy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/22/09
Posts: 310
Loc: Colorado
Self-preservation tells me to let the thread go but there is one nagging part of the thread I didnt cover in my first response.

If it was legally possible I would want a photo from then - the fact is after more than 10 years of sexual abuse, being used in child sex rings, being physically tortured by them and then used again later by my older brother after dad stopped - I'm the only one who remembers anything. My brother says he doesn't remember and Dad is dead. A photo, even just an early one of dad making my brother and I expose and touch ourselves or each other while he takes pictures there in the family room would be the nail in Dad's otherwise pristine coffin - when he died everyone thought he was a great man.

Yea I hear my own bitterness and I know the path to healing doesn't really include digging up evidence of the crimes of a dead man but in another way I imagine honoring my 5-6 year old self and quieting anyone who casts doubt. I don't have doubt and my healing isn't dependent on anyone else corraborating my abuse but....one nail in his clean coffin....

Yep probably should have let this thread go.
_________________________
Survivinguy

============================================
I have to survive and I hope to thrive.

Alumni Dahlonega WoR May 2010
Alumni Sequoia WoR March 2012

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#430913 - 04/11/13 06:14 PM Re: Was anyone ever used in child porn? [Re: Survivinguy]
pufferfish Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/08
Posts: 6811
Loc: USA
Yes, I hear you on this.

The two perps, when I was 4 and then 12, were supposedly famous and/or great men. Not in my opinion.

The guy made movies of us when I was 4. Two other boys and myself. I've never seen them. I think it would make me sick to see them.

It was near Los Angeles, CA.

Puffer



Edited by pufferfish (05/08/13 05:16 PM)

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#430929 - 04/11/13 07:28 PM Re: Was anyone ever used in child porn? [Re: jasondoe101]
Poorsoft Offline


Registered: 02/20/13
Posts: 163
I do believe the vast majority of this kind of material, whilst is on the net; is often traded in groups. The ones who use the internet are the ones who do not have circles, most perps generally do have circles and share there own private collection. Some of that does make it on the net.

My perp, was a police officer and I'm pretty sure he still has the pics. Mother fucker.

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#430964 - 04/12/13 01:04 AM Re: Was anyone ever used in child porn? [Re: Survivinguy]
lapchinj Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/07/11
Posts: 1166
Loc: New York
Originally Posted By: Survivinguy
...If it was legally possible I would want a photo from then - .... A photo, even just an early one of dad making my brother and I expose and touch ourselves or each other while he takes pictures there in the family room would be the nail in Dad's otherwise pristine coffin - when he died everyone thought he was a great man.....one nail in his clean coffin....
I have some photos of me and I have seen photos of me on the net. That said I do not want to see them anymore. I know i was in magazines, photo shoots and videos and I'm sure that they are all on the net. The only video I ever saw of myself was when those movie people wanted to stress to me that I should be a good boy and listen to everything they said for me to do. They showed me a movie of me having a rod shoved up may ass and turned on. I can feel and see the electric till today going through my body and me screaming in pain. And yes I listened to them from then on and I was a very good boy frown.

I think that you can without seeing pictures like that put those nails in his coffin. Your brother might not remember just like I don't remember anything that happened to me before the age of 10.

It happened and if there are pictures they are on the internet. I feel very sorry that you had to go through that. This thread is important because we were used and we shouldn't hide from that fact.

Peace, Rainbows, Love & Healing
Jeff
_________________________
Depression Feels Like Home, and Happiness is Just a Place I Visit

It will get better....

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#433675 - 05/06/13 01:05 AM Re: Was anyone ever used in child porn? [Re: lapchinj]
JayBro Offline


Registered: 11/13/12
Posts: 241
Loc: Germany
JEFF! HUGS

That is just awful... I cannot find the proper words to describe how that makes me feel. I don't tend to think of where material of me went, and it is sometimes so hard to direct any anger because so many of these men were anonymous and did not show themselves, yet had me bare all... I remember some of their voices though, specific words they used, and occasionally the faces of those who had longstanding communication with me for months. One even wanted to buy me bus tickets to go to America and stay with him.

I have been on anti-depressants now for almost 2 years, since my first "realisation" or acceptance of what happened. My anxiety went through the roof and I had several melt downs- it even took me a while to mention what happened. I have seen a therapist at the university, but he was a general therapist who helped me deal with anxiety attacks, finding helpful books, grounding myself from flashbacks etc. I just graduated from university, so I will not have that resource anymore. Back in Fall of 2012, I requested from both my family dr and the Centre for Students with Disabilities at my university to give me a referral to a psychiatrist. Only recently have they booked me in: my first appointment ever with one will be on 16 May. I also really want to find therapists who deal with CSA but they are all so far away.

If only these men knew what their actions caused...
_________________________
H.U.G.S.- Helping Us Grow Spiritually

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#433790 - 05/06/13 04:50 PM Re: Was anyone ever used in child porn? [Re: jasondoe101]
David Mac Offline


Registered: 04/30/13
Posts: 57
Loc: Pacific North West
Thank you suwanee for this topic.

My incestous dad was in debt to thugs who were threatening him and his family. So he sold me to a child porn ring. They were made up of men and women, but they used older boys on the sets too. There was a small group of us, boys and girls.

At age 49 the memories began. It took a little while, but it all made sense - my memories of the past.

The first thing I wanted to do was find myself. The abuse occurred in 1965. What were the chances? I scoured the city newspapers 1964-1966 hoping to find some mention of a bust, but nothing.

I wanted to find somebody who was involved and ask them if they remembered me.

The disassociation was understandable, but it sure is painful when memories emurge.

mac

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#433791 - 05/06/13 04:54 PM Re: Was anyone ever used in child porn? [Re: jasondoe101]
David Mac Offline


Registered: 04/30/13
Posts: 57
Loc: Pacific North West
By the way Jeff, your account is very grievous. I am very sorry for the way you were spoken to and abused by your torturers. That kid was a great kid, and those people evil.

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#433823 - 05/06/13 09:01 PM Re: Was anyone ever used in child porn? [Re: jasondoe101]
lapchinj Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/07/11
Posts: 1166
Loc: New York
Hey JayBro,

I hope that appointment on the 16th goes OK, it would be better to have someone that is knowledgeable in CSA but we take what we can get and that doesn't mean they won't be able to help you.

How old were you when all that happened and when the guy wanted you to come to America ? I was always warned by sfather (surrogate father) that if I was not careful on the street I could disappear or end up in a river. Getting kids out of their home environment puts them in extreme danger since the kid becomes totally dependent on the pimp. The kids also doesn't know how to get around a foreign land so where will they run? Who can they trust?

I was picked up by someone off the street and kept for 2 days. I thought I was going to end up in the river, instead I was dropped off someplace in New York in the middle of the night with a pocket full of change to call sfather. I had no idea where I was. From then on sfather wouldn't let me or my friend Bobby out alone. If we just wanted to go get something to eat we had to go together.

Originally Posted By: JayBro
If only these men knew what their actions caused...

They didn't give a shit what pain they caused you. They either wanted their jollies or their money you brought in.

I feel I have to be careful of the pictures I use for my avatar just in case a troll or someone will use it in a search. I might be paranoid about it but it is what it is.

Peace, Rainbows, Love & Healing
Jeff
_________________________
Depression Feels Like Home, and Happiness is Just a Place I Visit

It will get better....

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#433827 - 05/06/13 09:31 PM Re: Was anyone ever used in child porn? [Re: jasondoe101]
genedebs Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/09/12
Posts: 283
Loc: MO
Hi all

I read the horror stories that you present and I feel that my experience detracts from the significance of your survival.

But I am 64 years old and it is only in the last few months that I accepted for myself that it was pornography. Back in 1961, I was 12 years old. My mother had a photographer friend, and she had me take off my clothes. At various stages of undress he took pictures. I was confused about my reaction when I was naked, I had an erection.

My mother asked the photographer to "cut down the pictures." I asked why. She said so I wouldn't be embarrassed when I was older. I have tried to define this experience as anything other than an incestuos pornographic product.

I have never considered the idea that it was distributed, nor that it is on the web. Nor am I going to try to find out. What I do have is a picture which is just of my head and shoulders. When my ex-wife and I were getting divorced I asked her to at least take the picture down and no longer show it other memorabilia on the china closet. She refused. So there is at least one picture out there, but it is not pornogtraphic, it is just one part of a pornographic picture.

I felt I needed to share this on this "thread" since accepting the truth of our experiences is an essential part of recovery, and I can no longer say "It was just one of those bizzare things that happened."


Edited by genedebs (05/06/13 09:32 PM)

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#433830 - 05/06/13 09:47 PM Re: Was anyone ever used in child porn? [Re: jasondoe101]
lapchinj Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/07/11
Posts: 1166
Loc: New York
Hey David,

I had the help with one of the guys here on MS who helped me understand the times I was living through in the '60s in Greenwich Village in NYC, midtown Manhattan and out in Hempstead, Long Island. With his help I put together 99% of my puzzle. With his help I saw that I wasn't molested in a bunch of unrelated incidents but that everyone was tied together by one common organization.

Finding out who ran what or who paid protection money made my story come together. The mafia were probably the only people that would let you stay in business. I don't know what Washington State had in those days if the mafia was there also. I guess they go were the money is.

My father was just the opposite of your. Mine never touched me or even spoke to me much. My mother was the bitch in the house. No incest but a lot of beatings and enemas. I more or less left home at 12, and my mother started spending winters in Florida when I was 13. I couldn't ask for a better life without her. As for a kid, I think that incest is the worst thing anyone could do to a child. The kid has no place to find any peace or anyplace to hide.

Originally Posted By: David Mac
.... thugs who were threatening him and his family......

Weren't you part of his family? Did you disown him or he you? He is supposed to protect his family not sell his kids because he had problems with thugs. He probably continued on doing what he did to get in trouble after you were sold. I'm sure that your pics and or movies are out there someplace on the internet. Don't go searching for your shit though.

Originally Posted By: David Mac
....I am very sorry for the way you were spoken to and abused by your torturers ....

I didn't mind the talking it's what came when the talking stopped crazy.

Peace, Rainbows, Love & Healing
Jeff
_________________________
Depression Feels Like Home, and Happiness is Just a Place I Visit

It will get better....

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#433839 - 05/06/13 11:07 PM Re: Was anyone ever used in child porn? [Re: jasondoe101]
Publius Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/13/12
Posts: 396
Loc: OH
I feel as if in the war against CSA we are advancing on many fronts. More kids are telling, more kids are protected, more people are becoming aware of the issue. However, child pornography is a battle I feel our society is losing terribly. As many of you pointed out child porn pictures, magazines, and movies were legal well into the latter half of the 20th century at least until New York v. Ferber in 1982 I think. Of course, this was not the end of the stuff it just drove it all underground. Then came computers and the internet. I can still remember first getting on a computer and joining a chat room for the first time back in the mid 90s. "A/S/L" all over the place but at the time I did not realize the implications. Now we have camera phones, webcams, and high speed internet all coupled with a wholly inadequate approach to teaching kids about protecting themselves from perps. We just handed kids the technology with little to no thought whatsoever. I am going to go ahead and say it. I feel like we live in the golden age of child pornography. I can recall someone on here sharing a story of how back in the 50s or 60s he had to be taken to an actual studio in order for the perps to film him. Today perps can do it from the comfort of their own home using a digital camera, smart phone, and/or internet connection. I believe there is hope in education, both public and private, but damn it to hell if we have not fallen behind on this aspect of CSA prevention.
_________________________
"Life is like this dark tunnel. You may not always see the light at the end of the tunnel, but if you keep moving, you will come to a better place." ~ General Iroh

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#433847 - 05/07/13 12:39 AM Re: Was anyone ever used in child porn? [Re: jasondoe101]
lapchinj Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/07/11
Posts: 1166
Loc: New York
Yeah Publius,

Child porn was on the newsstands in Manhattan, NYC until around 1970. You could buy the mags legally. I was in some of those mags. and like you said it then went underground. and now we have computers and the means to make kiddie porn in your bedroom. I think this sickness will continue forever. It infects society at all levels. It's not a poor mans enjoyment or for the uneducated, professors, doctors and politicians have also been hit with this sickness.

I think in the western countries we are making progress with going after these people, both the suppliers and consumers. And we are making progress. But as long as countries like Russia, Ukraine and others around there keep on pouring this shit out we're going to have a rough time. I found my shit on a bunch of sites, and without paying to enter, just using Google. It seemed that I wanted to find every picture of me but I stopped that because I proved to myself that it's all over the place.

I figure over the 9 years I was in the game there was somewhere about 17,000-20,000 pictures taken of me or with me. The movies that were made of me I never saw aside from the one with the cattle prod up my ass. But if these numbers were for film that had to be developed can you imagine how many pictures can be taken and put on line in an afternoon, a month, a year??? It boggles the mind. There are people who will take the chance to acquire this shit. But we are making a dent and that's progress.

Russia and it's close relations has a problem with corruption. In politics and in the police departments. I'm sure they are on the take. Money talks and even those people want to be a capitalists.

Peace, Rainbows, Love & Healing
Jeff
_________________________
Depression Feels Like Home, and Happiness is Just a Place I Visit

It will get better....

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#433887 - 05/07/13 12:28 PM Re: Was anyone ever used in child porn? [Re: lapchinj]
JayBro Offline


Registered: 11/13/12
Posts: 241
Loc: Germany
Hey Jeff,

I cannot imagine what it must have been like being in physical contact with your abusers- and for days at a time. My parents had no clue about what was going on in their own house, at their own family computer. I feel like it was so easy for them to have found out though. They now know what happened, however it is very difficult to talk about it head on with my folks, and if I mention it, it is in passing and with euphemisms (i.e. "that stuff that happened to me").

Did your sfather know what was going on? Were there any resources at the time, legal or otherwise to protect kids?

For me, the abuse and creation of child pornography began when I was 12 going on 13. I had come out to myself then as gay, but did not know any other gay people, I had my first sexual urges, and I was also feeling uncomfortable in my new body. I wanted to find trusted adults to talk to. I also did not see myself as a "kid" per se: I was sexually attracted to men, so when men took a sexual interest in me, I did not realise the extreme perversion on their side. It was not consenting adult to adult sexual activity; it was coerced and vulnerable child to adult.

The bus guy said he was 24, and I only ever heard his voice. He was probably the youngest of my then-abusers.

It really did not take long for these men to find me and have me do the things they wanted me to do. It went on for years, and became the only means I knew how to express myself sexually, by "allowing myself" to be used and abused. I hated it. I was so scared. I wanted to be accepted and loved, and felt that I was not worthy of loving, normal relationships.

They knew how to groom me at first, and as it progressed, I knew then what was expected of me, what to say, what to do etc. I was not "me" when it all happened, and any form of sexual arousal or contact with these men was coupled with de-personalisation and physical detachment from myself.

These feelings of detachment came to play when I was raped as a young adult (18 and 19) by men in my university town.
_________________________
H.U.G.S.- Helping Us Grow Spiritually

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#433907 - 05/07/13 04:25 PM Re: Was anyone ever used in child porn? [Re: jasondoe101]
bodyguard8367 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/16/12
Posts: 1159
Loc: ""
""


Edited by bodyguard8367 (02/27/14 02:59 PM)

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#433912 - 05/07/13 05:20 PM Re: Was anyone ever used in child porn? [Re: jasondoe101]
David Mac Offline


Registered: 04/30/13
Posts: 57
Loc: Pacific North West
Hey Lapchinj,
Good to hear from you. When my dad was released from the army, he landed in NY. There he stayed. He was from North Dacota. After his stay in NY, left for Seattle. In Seattle, my dad was in full swing as con man. He could have easily gotten himself into trouble in the then sleepy little town. But I suspect he got himself into trouble in NY and fled to Seattle.

You give wise advice regarding a search for my photos and film. I admit it is very tempting. Not knowing how to find myself is the problem. I only remember bits and scraps. For three or four years now the memories have been leaking out of my heart. I had hoped that to see me on film would be to remember in entirety. Why do you think I should not search for me?

As the memories progressed and I became aware of what the situation was, my rage and resentment knew no bounds. My relationship with my dad was long ago polluted because of his sexual abuse. I entered in sexaholics anonymous and there for the first time was able to talk about my sexuality and my sponsor at the time agreed with me that I should sever the minimum contact I had with my dad in order to heal and gain sobriety. It was not a painful severing. It was peaceful and healing.

Mac

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#433939 - 05/07/13 09:20 PM Re: Was anyone ever used in child porn? [Re: jasondoe101]
lapchinj Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/07/11
Posts: 1166
Loc: New York
Hey Mac,

Yeah looking for your photos is not worth the aggravation. If you had pictures taken of you then they are on the internet. It isn't worth getting in trouble doing these searches. You know your out there. I gave it up after a couple of months. I was obsessed with finding me. I did find pictures and I wanted to find them all. But the pictures were getting really bad, not so much the ones of me but the other kids that were photographed. It bothered me very much. I had seen some of the real raunchy pictures of me and I wasn't surprised to see them. They're traded between sites like baseball card. It's not worth getting in trouble for.

I had about 400 pictures that I stole from my best friends sister's darkroom. Over the 9 years she took thousands of pictures of me and her brother. So when I got out of the USAF I put them in my duffel bag and they stayed there for 40+ years. I scanned in the pictures and shredded the original photos. I deleted the pictures which were really bad and saved some that were OK. Especially ones with my friends. These guys were my life and two of them were in the same game I was in. One kid I spent 7 great years with in the Village on a mattress on the floor in the corner of a room with 2 other street kids. Yeah me and my friend were pimped and photographed and all sorts of shit but we loved each other.

I divorced my parents when I was 12 and I lived great without them for 50 years. My mistake was to bring my parents up from Florida and live in an apartment I built onto my house. Shit that was the mother of all mistakes. Now my whole family suffers from them, well really my mother. My father is 98 and my mother is 93. I would pick up any stray dog in the street so I figured I would take them in.

The first inkling that I knew it was going to be fun was when we were unpacking the boxes from the move up here and my mother said "I didn't want to move up here, it was your father's idea". Well thanks ma. I offered to move them back down if she wanted. When I told my wife what happened to me as a kid the year before last, I told her about my mother so then she understood why I hated her and why she's such a bitch.

Don't stay and ruin your life or even have your blood pressure rise, he ain't worth it. I cannot see you suffering because of your father who did abuse you. Fuck him (no pun intended) he should be thankful you that you didn't get his ass put in jail.

Peace, Rainbows, Love & Healing
Jeff
_________________________
Depression Feels Like Home, and Happiness is Just a Place I Visit

It will get better....

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#433942 - 05/07/13 09:48 PM Re: Was anyone ever used in child porn? [Re: jasondoe101]
lapchinj Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/07/11
Posts: 1166
Loc: New York
hey JayBro,

Originally Posted By: JayBro
My parents had no clue about what was going on in their own house, at their own family computer. I feel like it was so easy for them to have found out though.

They didn't care what was going on with you. They should have spotted something going on or at least be involved with you enough to know something was amiss. That's not the rule though. I knew a guy who had a job for life. He was a fire inspector, a building inspector and very well regarded in the community. I knew him well enough over 30 years that when we would meet up we would bs a little. Anyway, some kids he molested 15 years ago came forward and said they were going to press charges so some councilman from Brooklyn got him out of the country. It's estimated that he could have molested over 200 kids in those thirty years. The worst part is that those kids that came forward were in the same classes as 3 of my boys. I went nuts when I found out and if I would have found that any of my kids were touched I probably would have killed myself for not being able to protect them. I thought since I was abused I could smell a child abuser a mile away. I didn't smell anything and I knew the guy well.

Anyway it is possible that they didn't see anything like I didn't. But as for my parents they didn't give a shit about me, I was only needed to be shown for their guests otherwise I didn't exist.

Originally Posted By: JayBro
Did your sfather know what was going on? Were there any resources at the time, legal or otherwise to protect kids?

Sfather was my surrogate father, my judo teacher, my pimp and my savior. I now know how much was done to me because of him but I still love him. He was the father I never had. Yes we had sex together but I really thought that kids had sex with their fathers.

Originally Posted By: JayBro
I wanted to be accepted and loved

I think this is always the case when incest is not involved. We search for someone to love us. My T told me that I loved sfather so much that I would do anything to keep him. So that's why he was able to pimp me and I now only over the past year figured out that it was he that sold me to the movie people. So we did anything to be loved. I know it sounds sick but I still love him, even though I haven't seen him in 40 years.

Originally Posted By: JayBro
I knew then what was expected of me, what to say, what to do etc.

When your in the game you know your cliental. You know what they want and what they liked. I never saw or collected any money but I did get a few dollars for me from them. Mine was very well to do people in Manhattan.

Peace, Rainbows, Love & Healing
<3 XOXO
Jeff
_________________________
Depression Feels Like Home, and Happiness is Just a Place I Visit

It will get better....

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#433988 - 05/08/13 01:18 AM Re: Was anyone ever used in child porn? [Re: bodyguard8367]
JayBro Offline


Registered: 11/13/12
Posts: 241
Loc: Germany
Hey Geoff!

I am so sorry to read about what you went through, but glad that we have been able to connect over something so personal and difficult.

When I originally went online, it was in a safe environment. It was a chatroom on a BBC Radio 1 message board called One Life for people to talk about life issues, and there was a monitored message board for gay/lesbian discourse. However, after several months the site was closed and I was forced to relocate to other avenues. I found one, but one day my dad saw that I was on a gay support website and flipped out. My parents were screaming and hitting me, and said things like they want me to die rather than be gay. My already faltering self-esteem and feelings of love took a bad turn, and when I went back online (avoiding the site I used), I was much more vulnerable to my abusers. I felt that that was normal, and that I was only worthy of such kind of "love" and attention from adults.

When I went to university, I became greatly dismayed by the gay community and the lack of acceptance or "realness", particularly among younger gays. Infact, I posted a video on the topic this week: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YF89FbSoTqc

I have never been in a romantic relationship with another before. I don't know if my abuse has anything to do with it. I have had countless one-nighters and as mentioned was raped in several of them, always disassociating and crying inside. Only 4 or so times have I experienced safe, respectful sexual encounters in my life. Sometimes I feel like I am damaged goods for a man, too imperfect and too unlovable. I really want that to change. I really want to find love for once in my life journey.

I think you are very brave. It is awful at times to think of the things that happened without our parents knowing frown

Thank you so much for your post
_________________________
H.U.G.S.- Helping Us Grow Spiritually

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#434052 - 05/08/13 03:53 PM Re: Was anyone ever used in child porn? [Re: jasondoe101]
toddop Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/14/11
Posts: 214
Loc: California
I want to thank Jason for starting this post, and everyone on this thread for sharing their painful stories. I have been dealing with the child pornography aspect of my CSA over the past few months and it has been going a bit off the rails.

I was made to do child pornography between the ages of 8-10 by two coaches. They filmed my abuse and had other men abuse me on camera. I don't have that aspect of bonding with my perps (I hate them), but could understand how that could happen in your particular situations.

I have to admit I have been tempted to search out images of myself to try to gain control, but have decided not to. Just seems like too risky and that the potential benefits do not outweigh the risks.

I posted my own topic about the effects that it has had on me, then I discovered this thread and got to read all of the posts.

It is awful that there are so many of us that had a child pornography aspect of our abuse. But, I feel glad that I can identify with so many other guys on here. It is really validating to know that I am not alone and that I am not crazy.

So, thanks for the courage everyone is showing by sharing and having a dialogue about this. It has made a world of difference to me to hear your voices.

My best wishes to everyone's recovery and healing.
_________________________
Todd

"Great spirits have often encountered violent opposition from weak minds."
-Albert Einstein

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#434062 - 05/08/13 06:16 PM Re: Was anyone ever used in child porn? [Re: jasondoe101]
David Mac Offline


Registered: 04/30/13
Posts: 57
Loc: Pacific North West
Lapchinj,
Thanks for the help.

Mac

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#434064 - 05/08/13 06:42 PM Re: Was anyone ever used in child porn? [Re: jasondoe101]
lapchinj Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/07/11
Posts: 1166
Loc: New York
Originally Posted By: toddop
....I have been tempted to search out images of myself to try to gain control....

Don't do it, why try and explain your way out of a bad situation to the cops. I didn't gain anything from finding my pictures. If I would have come to MS I would have known that even 50 or 100 year old porn is on the net. So if someone took pictures I'm sure it's out there.

Originally Posted By: toddop
....It is really validating to know that I am not alone and that I am not crazy....

Unfortunately there are many of us that are in the same boat. I also thought that I was alone and crazy but once I came here to MS I read stories that make me want to puke.

Originally Posted By: toddop
....It has made a world of difference to me to hear your voices....

You can feel good that you can now be one of those voices that will help others. Welcome, but unfortunately you had to come here in the first place.

Peace, Rainbows, Love & Healing
Jeff
_________________________
Depression Feels Like Home, and Happiness is Just a Place I Visit

It will get better....

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#434065 - 05/08/13 06:44 PM Re: Was anyone ever used in child porn? [Re: jasondoe101]
lapchinj Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/07/11
Posts: 1166
Loc: New York
Hey Mac,

I just hope I didn't make you feel bad or cross any boundaries.

Peace, Rainbows, Love & Healing
Jeff
_________________________
Depression Feels Like Home, and Happiness is Just a Place I Visit

It will get better....

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#434076 - 05/08/13 10:13 PM Re: Was anyone ever used in child porn? [Re: jasondoe101]
toddop Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/14/11
Posts: 214
Loc: California
Jeff,
Thanks for the advice, the kind words, and the support!
_________________________
Todd

"Great spirits have often encountered violent opposition from weak minds."
-Albert Einstein

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