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#429603 - 03/31/13 12:49 AM never held **trigger**
Still Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6400
Loc: 2.5 NATO Nations
One of my major malfunctions comes from my complete lack of parental-based affection. I find more and more that what I saw in other families as a kid, did in fact exist and is/was healthy and normal.

I grew-up with no physical affection from my parents and plenty of violence.

While working on a project recently, I came across a stock-photo that befuddled and grieved me greatly.

I will not place it here and it may be triggering for some survivors. I cannot look at it without thinking things like:

- I only knew THAT through the lead-perp.
- I never knew that from my father but needed to.
- how different would my life have been if this were the type of parents I had.

I have to tell you...Its a very very difficult picture for me to see.

*******TRIGGER WARNING*******

Picture linked is of a shirtless boy being held by his shirtless father.

Held

I'd really be interested in your impressions and thoughts. Am I alone in this grief?


Edited by Still (03/31/13 12:50 AM)
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#429604 - 03/31/13 01:50 AM Re: never held **trigger** [Re: Still]
traveler Offline
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MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3363
Loc: somewhere in Africa
yeah - that's a tough one for me, too. even with shirts on it would be difficult. even if the kid was smiling i'd be uncomfortable with it.

virtually the only physical contact i had with step-dad was "discipline" and/or abuse. i both longed for something other than that - and was scared to pieces of it.

Lee
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Something deep inside...
I've been searchin so long to find an answer
Now I know my life has meaning
Now I see myself as I am, feeling very free...
When my tears have come to an end I will understand
What I left behind: a part of me. Chicago


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#429605 - 03/31/13 03:44 AM Re: never held **trigger** [Re: Still]
Jude Offline


Registered: 08/09/12
Posts: 1509
Loc: New England
Yeah, thats not really "triggering" for me, just sad. My own father never showed affection, never said anything supportive or positive. Never said much of anything to me really. He was in his own alcohol soaked world, totally checked out. I guess I should be thankful that he never hit us, but then it was partly his neglect that made me a ripe target for a pedophile.

At Christmas last year, my wife pulled out the home videos we made of our oldest children when they were young back in the 1980's, a period I was in my own alcohol soaked world, and have very little memory of. I was surprised to see my younger self so engaged with those four little boys. I wasn't checked out at all. Maybe I haven't always been the total douche bag I believed myself to be.

Jude
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#429611 - 03/31/13 08:42 AM Re: never held **trigger** [Re: Still]
newground Offline
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Registered: 10/11/11
Posts: 751
Loc: michigan
I have to say guys this hits home. not only did my dad never touch me not even for discipline the closest I ever got was a kick in the butt like he would the dog if it did something wrong. and as far as shirtless... I never saw him shirtless. I made up my mind that I was going to tell him I love you weather he ever said it to me or not and for two and a half years I said it each time I left his house. and all he would do is grunt or say yup. one day about a year ago as I stepped out the door he said love ya too and it literally staggered me I did a double take and had to look back. I cried all the way home
Jeff
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#429612 - 03/31/13 09:10 AM Re: never held **trigger** [Re: Still]
Obi Offline
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MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/28/09
Posts: 1309
Loc: kansas
.


Edited by Obi (05/03/13 06:05 PM)
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#429613 - 03/31/13 09:13 AM Re: never held **trigger** [Re: Still]
SoccerStar Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/15/12
Posts: 915
Loc: New York
I had an affectionate, "holding" dad and I am one myself, and... it doesn't look like that. I find that picture sinister and disturbing to be honest.

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#429614 - 03/31/13 09:27 AM Re: never held **trigger** [Re: Still]
Obi Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/28/09
Posts: 1309
Loc: kansas
.


Edited by Obi (05/03/13 06:04 PM)
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#429621 - 03/31/13 11:29 AM Re: never held **trigger** [Re: Still]
EdfromNYC Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/18/10
Posts: 233
Loc: New York City
This entire thread applies to me too. Especially this understanding:

Quote:
it was partly his neglect that made me a ripe target for a pedophile.


We need male to male touch. I think it is a necessity like babies that don't have touch actually wither and die. I think as a boy, I needed that physical bond and to know that a man can hold his child, give love through that touch, make the child feel protected, embraced, attended to, seen and to make the child feel like he has actually substance on this earth.

I didn't look at the picture before I wrote this. I am in the gathering knowledge stage of what I missed and not quite in the feeling stage of what I missed and I am not ready to face some things just yet.

Edit: looked at the picture. I think it is provocative and meant to be edgy as noted in comment below. Not natural.


Edited by EdfromNYC (03/31/13 12:22 PM)
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#429623 - 03/31/13 11:57 AM Re: never held **trigger** [Re: Still]
Suwanee Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/30/12
Posts: 703
Loc: Southeast USA
Still,

That picture just doesn't seem right. It may be a photographer's attempt to be "edgy" with or without any prurient intentions. Whatever the case, my own father was loving and caring--but he didn't hug me like that. My issue (and his) is more the quantity of father-son time, not the quality of it. I really am troubled that many, many people were betrayed by their parents---whether through selfishness, mental illness, or just plain meaness. The parent-child bond is crucial. Those who miss this important interaction and still grow up to be loving, caring parents in their own right are to be commended.

We have a number of pictures from swim meets or at the beach where either or both of my parents are hugging me when I'm not wearing a shirt. They are spontaneous snap shots....this one is posed and a llittle too "possessive" in my opinion.

Will


Edited by Suwanee (03/31/13 12:13 PM)
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#429627 - 03/31/13 12:58 PM Re: never held **trigger** [Re: Still]
ThisMan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/22/13
Posts: 767
Loc: upper south


Regarding the photo, I am not triggered by it. I am made uncomfortable by what I see as the attempted sexualization and eroticism of child and adult. I do find it distasteful in form and subject matter and a very poor attempt at the edginess mentioned earlier. The embrace is not really a protective move, its presents itself more as a control move in motion. When I consider the lighting and tonal qualities, it seems rather menacing to me. I don't like it. I find it disturbing. So maybe I am triggered by it.

Thought provoking, Still. Thanks for sharing the visual. Wish I, too, had known healthy embraces and words from my dad. ...at least one memory of "love you" or "proud of you".


Edited by ThisMan (03/31/13 01:00 PM)
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