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#429470 - 03/29/13 12:04 PM Re: My Dissociation symptoms [Re: cant_remember]
cant_remember Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/05
Posts: 1045
I'm on my 2nd day of low-dose naltrexone. Just 1 mg at a time to build it up in my system.

Also, my T and I have revised my symptom list into a worksheet that I can check off each week to see if I'm still experiencing symptoms. I also organized the symptoms based on self-state to make it easier for me to think through and easier for my T to determine how treatment is going:

Adult self
_____ daily marijuana use
_____ trance-like episodes
_____ having prolonged conversations with myself in the mirror
_____ hearing voices inside my head that argue
_____ feeling uncertain about who I really am
_____ not remembering when I last ate or used the toilet
_____ feeling only partially “there”
_____ feeling divided, as if I have several parts
_____ feeling that there are large gaps in memory
_____ feeling triggered and dissociated from financial matters
_____ so bothered by flashbacks that it’s difficult to work

Dark self (Izzy)
_____ feeling as if my body or parts of it don’t belong to me
_____ feeling that another personality sometimes takes over
_____ feeling emotional pain & hurt from ‘out of nowhere’
_____ being paralyzed, unable to move with no medical reason
_____ being unable to speak or control body movements
_____ feeling that death is the only escape from pain

Child self
_____ strong impulses to do something that don’t feel like they belong to me
_____ getting images of child who seems to live in my head
_____ switching back and forth from feeling like an adult to feeling like a child
_____ feeling that I am two people -- one doing things and one watching it
_____ re-experiencing body sensations from a past traumatic event
_____ suddenly realizing time has gone by and I don’t know what I was doing
_____ eroticizing certain male characteristics
_____ hearing myself talk and feeling like it’s not me choosing the words
_________________________
Recovery is possible. Hang in there, brothers.

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#429472 - 03/29/13 12:16 PM Re: My Dissociation symptoms [Re: cant_remember]
peroperic2009 Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/11
Posts: 3610
Loc: South-East Europe
Hi Cant,
oh man you are doing a lot with your recovery! I must say that your check list is very detailed and it was inspiring for me to read it. It gave me sense of you and your true feelings.
It is so good to see you breaking trough it!

Pero
_________________________
My story

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#429538 - 03/30/13 01:36 AM Re: My Dissociation symptoms [Re: peroperic2009]
pufferfish Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/08
Posts: 6875
Loc: USA
Interesting thread.

My story began when I was not even 4 yet. It was 70 years ago. Abuse such as I had early on and through childhood was very debilitating. I have written about the initial abuse in:

http://www.malesurvivor.org/board/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Main=29652&Number=212889

This is what I looked like:
Photo has been moved to:
http://www.malesurvivor.org/board/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=428818#Post428818

Here is an artist' rendition of a photo of me about the time the abuse started.
Photo has been moved to:
http://www.malesurvivor.org/board/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=428818#Post428818

There is a recent post showing a boy about the age I was when my first experience with catastrophic abuse started*. I was about as small as the child in this vid:

http://www.malesurvivor.org/board/ubbthr...8786#Post428786

I remember some symptoms of dissociation I first noticed as a child. Walking home from school in Denver one day (I was about 8) I noticed that I was arguing with myself sub-vocally. Two inner voices were discussing something.

I still do this. The other one frequently advises me in a subaudible voice to do this or that or to not do this or that or do it in a different way.

In 3rd grade (8 years old) we had a good class on music. We learned the names of the instruments and heard a lot of good music. At other times I would tune out (daydreaming). I wouldn't hear what was being taught. Even then I had the "music personality". He must have started when I was 4. He hears music and memorizes stretches of it and then plays it back when things are quiet. I only hear it within my head. He doesn't sleep when I do. I take a nap nearly every afternoon, often with classical music playing (not necessarily softly). Even though I am asleep he's awake listening to the music. I know I'm asleep because occasionally I hear myself snore and I feel quite rested when I awaken. But he has listened intently to the music and I have gained a new understanding of it while asleep. Is this incredible? He plays it back with the original instrumentation and in the original pitch.

I think I finally figured out where the music personality started. I was cared for on Saturday and overnight to Sunday by the neighbor who was a famous cartoonist. He was the one who (ab)used me in making kiddie porn movies of me with other neighborhood boys. I was 4. I haven't remembered what he did to me on Saturday nights. (what does that mean?) This cartoonist put lots of classical music in his cartoons: Barber of Seville, William Tell Overture, and many others. You have all heard this music when you watched cartoons. So... he must have been playing the classical music when I was upstairs in the crib supposedly sleeping. The traumatic aspect of abuse on Saturday must have caused me to generate a new personality who listened to that music week after week. That would have strengthened his independent character. This isn't a bad idea at all.

These sleeping conundrums seem to explain why I rarely feel rested.

I had a lot of headaches as a child. They must have been dissociation headaches, which DID people get a lot. I took a lot of aspirin. Bright light seemed to trigger them. Was this because perp took the movies under a bright skylight? The headaches when I was little were in my temporal lobes (I didn't know that word then). Since I have eye problems (strabismus apparently exacerbated by dissociation from abuse) the headaches now seem to be in the back of my head where the lobe is that processes visual information (occipital lobe).

I have previously mentioned that in an EMDR session about 15 months ago, the T and I were going to get into the last day of the kidnap experience when I was 12, where I remembered feeling a high level of terror. That terror has never been resolved. When the EMDR led me into the terror, I suddenly "switched" and became another person. That maneuver completely "handled" the terror for that moment but it hasn't been finally resolved. That's the only time I was consciously aware of generating a new self as an adult. My T has suggested that during the EMDR I was recapitulating the generation of a new personality (alter) when I was 12. The problem I have with that is that I became someone whom I only know as an avatar photo from MS. Of course I didn't know that boy then. It seems quite possible that I was given a dose of LSD when I was 12 and in that situation. A pretty high dose of LSD can cause heightened feelings of terror. That might have caused my high level of terror, in addition to whatever else was going on. That is how this MPD stuff works. Trauma causes the person to generate a new personality to handle that trauma. It was something my mind had figured out when I was 3 or 4.

When I was in college I kept a journal for awhile. I found it a few years ago. I was astonished to see that I had written in my journal in a different handwriting every day. Some days were printed and some scrawled and some with red ink. This would have been caused because I had enough different personalities to change out every day for a whole bunch of days. I hid the journal and haven't been able to find it since.

I also have another type of amnesia which I call "magic slate amnesia".

http://www.amazon.com/Schylling-Magic-Slates/dp/B000ICZ5IW/

Do you remember the child's game where we could draw or write on a special plastic sheet and then it could be erased by lifting the top sheet? I do that with my brain. When I've been out somewhere and I come home then I have amnesia toward whatever I was doing. It's because when I was 4 and the perp was doing stuff he shouldn't have been doing, then when I got home I would erase the memory of it. It wasn't permanently erased, it was just stored in a different part of my mind. It became a stubborn mental habit. This has made it difficult to maintain continuity between events outside my home and when I get home.

I also have a "Marilyn Van Derber style of DID". Marilyn Van Derber describes it in her book, Miss America by Day.

http://www.amazon.com/Miss-America-Day-Betrayals-Unconditional/dp/1935689517/

She graduated from the same Denver high school and university I did. She is a beautiful and gracious person and won the Miss America pageant. Her father had abused her in her bed at night. So she retained a cryptic vulnerability from that abuse. When she was confronted with situations at night that emotionally resembled the abuse she had experienced, she was vulnerable. She had amnesia between the day and night selves. So, I think I have that kind of vulnerability to being in situations which emotionally resemble what I was subjected to as a kid. Under those conditions, I could become vulnerable. I think it expressed itself with college roommates and at band camp and stuff like that.

Puffer

* My thanks to BraveFalcon for this video link.






Edited by pufferfish (04/01/13 11:41 PM)

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#429593 - 03/30/13 10:04 PM Re: My Dissociation symptoms [Re: cant_remember]
cant_remember Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/05
Posts: 1045
Uncle Puffer,

Have you watched Fight Club yet? We are eagerly awaiting your thoughts on it.

Cant
_________________________
Recovery is possible. Hang in there, brothers.

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#429601 - 03/31/13 12:23 AM Re: My Dissociation symptoms [Re: cant_remember]
pufferfish Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/08
Posts: 6875
Loc: USA
I have watched part of it and then I lost the remote control for the dvd player. I'm reading a book which talks a lot about switching and internal conversations. It's called First Person Plural. It's very witty. I haven't laughed so much for quite a while. So I recommend it.

http://www.amazon.com/First-Person-Plural-Life-Multiple/dp/B000FDFWN2/

This book probably stimulated some of the thoughts I put in my post above.

I'm going to post some quotes from it soon.

Puffer

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#429622 - 03/31/13 11:48 AM Re: My Dissociation symptoms [Re: cant_remember]
cant_remember Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/05
Posts: 1045
Find that remote control! : )

Also, Puffer, about your timeline: you say above you were in Denver at 8 years old, but didn't you move to Denver after scout camp in the DC area, when you were about 12?

Cant


Edited by cant_remember (03/31/13 11:54 AM)
_________________________
Recovery is possible. Hang in there, brothers.

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#429640 - 03/31/13 05:45 PM Re: My Dissociation symptoms [Re: cant_remember]
KMCINVA Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/31/11
Posts: 1712
One thing I have done and been called on is talking to myself--I gather I would be having a conversation and my wife would hear and tell me people will think I am crazy. Now I am understanding it more--having a conversation out loud with myself as though there are two people in the conversation is part of the dissociation spectrum.


Edited by KMCINVA (03/31/13 05:52 PM)

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#429673 - 03/31/13 10:38 PM Re: My Dissociation symptoms [Re: cant_remember]
pufferfish Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/08
Posts: 6875
Loc: USA
Originally Posted By: cant_remember
Find that remote control! : )

Also, Puffer, about your timeline: you say above you were in Denver at 8 years old, but didn't you move to Denver after scout camp in the DC area, when you were about 12?

Cant


I found the remote control and I finished watching Fight Club this afternoon.

Yes, you've found out my secret! I turn into a Brad Pitt -like character every evening at sundown. Not really! smile I enjoyed watching it even though I'm not very pugilistic. I don't think the film really says anything serious about DID.

My timeline has been moved to:
http://www.malesurvivor.org/board/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=429776#Post429776

Puffer




Edited by pufferfish (04/01/13 11:24 PM)

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#429710 - 04/01/13 09:38 AM Re: My Dissociation symptoms [Re: cant_remember]
KMCINVA Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/31/11
Posts: 1712
Puffer

Quite a traveled life you had. Too bad the family made a stop in Northern Virginia--your life may have been spared the CSA. You have achieved well--but you are so right, once you become unglued by the memories, flashbacks and terror of the abuse your life can spiral out of control. Glad you found therapy and your way here. You add value to this board.

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#429711 - 04/01/13 09:48 AM Re: My Dissociation symptoms [Re: cant_remember]
cant_remember Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/05
Posts: 1045
Kevin,

Agreed. Puffer is one of the most important role models we have in recovery.

Puffer, thanks for the timeline. I did not know about your multiple stints in CO until you spelled it out here for me.

Fight Club is not a serious movie or really that important, certainly not as it relates to DID. It uses DID as a metaphor to explain our culture, not as an exploration into DID itself. However, by talking about Fight Club, I am breaking its first rule.

Cant
_________________________
Recovery is possible. Hang in there, brothers.

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