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#429506 - 03/29/13 08:06 PM How do I bear the pain.
CloudyFalls Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/18/12
Posts: 168
Loc: Ohio
I've had a horrible week.

I'm tearing myself apart, simultaneously defending my self.

Waking up to arguments, my parents saying things they used to right before they split up. To just utter shit. I wake up and know my day is ruined. It's very triggering.

I also went back to a corner of my past, hoping to see some change, but seeing it is the same as it was. It was again, very triggering. The online life I used to have... I began to see myself outside of that escape, the kid I was. I ran away from reality to the internet, the only place I could receive praise, but never the less I was harassed as well. I kept thinking to myself, what if they knew, what if they knew who I was outside of the internet, outside of my screen name. But instead, I traveled back and saw myself the way I never could. Being raped just before going online to act like it never happened... just a kid, running away to my fantasy, where I was "famous" for my programming abilities. I saw the damage, I saw the kid, I saw the atrocities as I'd never seen them before. And I realize, this is why I'm so fucked up.

And lately, being out with friends, my best and only true friend, my own abuser's ex boyfriend. Hell, I know that must be triggering me, but I can't lose him. I'm falling in love with him, and I feel like I can't let that happen. Because if I ever fucked up somehow, I'd never be able to get over it, and things would never be the same. At the same time, my insecurities scathing me. Am I even good enough for him?
Friends; the terrifying fear of losing them. The reason I isolated myself in the first place. I'm so terrified of losing my new friends because I'm not good enough for them or something. Jealousy, envy, emotions I can't control. I see a friend hanging out with someone and wonder why I wasn't invited or something, like maybe they don't really like me.

Vanity, rips me apart. I've been taught I'm only good for sex, so I must be the best I possibly can at it, and look the best I possibly can or else nobody will pay any attention to me. Hell, I've been offered modelling jobs, even porn jobs. But still, a scar here, a stretch mark there, acne on my face, a red spot on my chest, glare at me in the mirror and I say, not good enough, fix it, I'm broken.

Sex; fuck me what can I do about this? I feel like I can't have sex, because of my insecurities, of course I must mention that "I'm not big enough" even though I'm perfectly average. But all the shit my cousin did to me, I'm sexually dysfunctional. I don't even know if I could have sex if it came down to it, maintain an erection, get into it without my cousin getting into my mind. My libido is so low lately, I went out to check my testosterone levels, hopefully I'm in the normal range, and I most likely am, but how will I recover from this one? I gotta have sex to build my confidence, and to get my cousin out of my mind. I need new memories to draw from, new people, people that aren't abusing me.

So much shit, I'm just so fucked up. I feel like a failure, I need to fix all of it. I just don't know, there's so much pain, sometimes I don't think I'll make it. I pray to whatever god may exist that I can make it through this, but know I'll never hear anything. But it's all I can do at this point. I need some kind of hope, and definitely some help.

I wish I could fully elaborate my pain and my problems right now, but not even I can see the full scope of it all. I just have to punch morning in the face and wake the fuck up and deal with it. I have to fight, I have to push. It's not fair, this burden I have on my shoulders, the mountains I'm forced to move, but I have to put one foot in front of the other or just check out, and I'm not going to check out just yet. I'm not giving up without a fight. But that fight is exhausting me, and right now, it hurts like hell.

I don't know what I need guys, but maybe someone here can just offer me some kind of support or advice idk. I drowning here. I looked myself in the mirror the other day and thought to myself for the first time, almost as a death sentence I thought, I don't think I'm going to make it. Unless a miracle happens, I don't think I'm going to make it. I have only 2 people in my life right now I love and I know who love me back, my sister Chevin, and my best friend Kyle. If I lost them, like I lose everyone else, I don't know what I'd do.

I cry and think to myself suicide is the only way out, while simultaneously thinking what a shame it would be to die. I feel the potential I have, and I know it'd be a great loss, and I cry some more this time thinking, I don't want to die. I don't want the world to lose me because someone else ruined me. It sometimes feels like I never had a chance.
_________________________
"The world is a dangerous place to live; not because of the people who are evil, but because of the people who don't do anything about it." - Albert Einstein

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#429507 - 03/29/13 08:18 PM Re: How do I bear the pain. [Re: CloudyFalls]
newground Offline
Chatroom Moderator
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 10/11/11
Posts: 758
Loc: michigan
man you sure do have a ton of stuff you are trying to process all at once! I know the feeling I call it the "head noise" just so much ...too much to process. so try to give yourself a break man it really is too much to do. I know how overwhelming this all is but you are not destroyed not by a long shot. we are all here to help you and I hope that you have found your way to a good therapist who deals in male Childhood sexual trauma or at least trauma in general. just breathe slow calming breaths you are among friends in a safe place. welcome man... sorry you needed to be here but Im glad you have found us
be well
Jeff
_________________________
Towards thee I roll, thou all-destroying but unconquering whale; to the last I grapple with thee; from hell's heart I stab at thee; for hate's sake I spit my last breath at thee. let me then tow to pieces, while still chasing thee, thou damned whale! Thus, I give up the spear!"
Herman Melville

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#429508 - 03/29/13 08:28 PM Re: How do I bear the pain. [Re: newground]
CloudyFalls Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/18/12
Posts: 168
Loc: Ohio
Originally Posted By: newground
man you sure do have a ton of stuff you are trying to process all at once! I know the feeling I call it the "head noise" just so much ...too much to process. so try to give yourself a break man it really is too much to do. I know how overwhelming this all is but you are not destroyed not by a long shot. we are all here to help you and I hope that you have found your way to a good therapist who deals in male Childhood sexual trauma or at least trauma in general. just breathe slow calming breaths you are among friends in a safe place. welcome man... sorry you needed to be here but Im glad you have found us
be well
Jeff


I've got a therapist who specializes in CSA survivors, also in group therapy for this among many other things. This is my definition of a break, I was off of this site for a month so I could stop thinking about the abuse. And while I was able to stop thinking about HIM, it's still overbearing.

I don't think I really can take a break, seeing as I thought I was taking one. Also, my life does not promote this. I live at home with two parents who are alcoholics and don't trust each other and are going through financial crisis, with a disabled brother and a psychotic brother. Of course all of this bleeds onto me, not to mention everything else in this fucking house. (The house I was abuse in, the room I was abused in, yes I'm still living here). I don't have a job so I'm forced to stay here, with usually nothing to do but listen to music. And for whatever reason, my hobby, gaming depresses me so fucking badly idk why, sometimes it doesn't but most of the time I'll feel physically depressed. I get to go out on Sundays with friends, I have therapy on Mondays in the mornings (which I'm usually [now] hungover with 5 hours of sleep) and I have group on Thursdays. Outside of that, I am stuck in the hell hole of a home. I'm stuck in this house, it's horrible, unless Kyle has time to go out, I usually only hang with friends on Sundays.

Oh and to boot get this, my therapist is retiring within a month, and just last group they dropped the bombshell it's closing for good in June. I JUST GOT INTO GROUP IN DECEMBER AFTER WAITING 6 MONTHS TO GET IN IT WTF? And also, why the hell did they give me a retiring psychologist? Now I'm going to have to work with a new psychologist, but at least I know this psychologist from group.
_________________________
"The world is a dangerous place to live; not because of the people who are evil, but because of the people who don't do anything about it." - Albert Einstein

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#429512 - 03/29/13 10:00 PM Re: How do I bear the pain. [Re: CloudyFalls]
cosmos Offline


Registered: 11/12/12
Posts: 183
Loc: Puget Sound
CF all I can say and I know itís no help at all is it does get easier, not better, but easier to get through the day. I was abused and alone for half of my life, I built my persona around this shell of a person left by el Diablo and 20 years of pain and betrayals from the people who brought me into this world, I had to find the strength within myself to survive every small or large hurdle I faced, when my world shattered back in October and I put it all together I could barely function until last week when I realized that the same person was still inside me the good person the loving and caring person, the person who spent 36 hours straight rebuilding a Telex database, the person who hasnít done heavy drugs since my future wife told me she was pregnant, the person that can change reality. That change is so needed for those of us abused, a change for the better, a change towards becoming who you were meant to be, I have to look at things like this as a challenge, something to overcome and dominate, nothing has ever stood in my way and neither will the fact that I was abused since birth, nothing! One of the things I find so disturbing about MS is the lack of positive attitudes here; just like everywhere is at an all-time low; you have to change your mindset, change your focus; you canít change the past but you can change the future, all the abuse all the horrendous things that have happened to us, it will never go away ever, to deny what happened to say anything other than we were emotionally and developmentally butchered is an affront to all that is good in the world, but most importantly to us, we know this all too well, you canít let this hold you back, itís not healthy to focus on what we canít change even though acceptance is so very hard but not impossible. You need to dwell on what you can change, I know you live at home, I understand that, but you could take off on your own, make your own way, I know itís not for everyone, and itís very hard to be out there all by yourself, but the truth is, is that everyone one of us is born alone and will die alone so all you can do is try to make the best of what you got, man it can disappear in a flash.

Cee
_________________________
"it has never yet been discovered how to make man unknow his knowledge, or unthink his thoughts"

T. Paine

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#429513 - 03/29/13 10:11 PM Re: How do I bear the pain. [Re: CloudyFalls]
BraveFalcon Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/25/13
Posts: 1104
Loc: The ATL
Originally Posted By: CloudyFalls
I don't know what I need guys, but maybe someone here can just offer me some kind of support or advice idk.


Hi CF. Well, I can offer support but I'm not sure how much advice I can give. When I was in my late teens/early twenties I was in a situation a bit similar to yours. Living with my parents, barley employed, going to a T to sort out my CSA issues for the first time and suicidal as hell. I know that when you're in that situation, getting up every morning and facing another day seems like a monumental task. Like climbing a mountain of shit, only to know that there are nothing but more mountains of shit ahead of it, going on and on, stretching out in front of you as far as the eye can see. It seems like you're suffering and struggling pointlessly. Suffering and struggling only to be faced with climbing another mountain of shit again the next day, for no reason.

The only advise I can give you is to keep going. Keep going, keep climbing, keep persevering, keep SURVIVING. If you do, eventually a path out will present itself. It may present itself because you scratched and clawed your way to it, or it may present itself in the most unlikely of places, when and where you weren't even looking. Eventually, you will find that path, trust me. It may take a long time and it may take walking through more pain than you would ever want to but it will happen. For now, just keep surviving, minute by minute, hour by hour, day by day. Whatever it takes.

Originally Posted By: CloudyFalls
Oh and to boot get this, my therapist is retiring within a month, and just last group they dropped the bombshell it's closing for good in June. I JUST GOT INTO GROUP IN DECEMBER AFTER WAITING 6 MONTHS TO GET IN IT WTF? And also, why the hell did they give me a retiring psychologist? Now I'm going to have to work with a new psychologist, but at least I know this psychologist from group.


Wow, that sucks. I was in therapy for about a year and a half, from 12/93 to 6/95. Can't believe it's been 18 years. One of the reasons I quit going was that my T was moving to a different state and I didn't want to start all over again with a different T. (There were other reasons but that's kind of a long story.) The thought of starting all over with a new T is beyond frustrating. It's like being on the phone with a customer support guy, explaining your problem in great detail, working towards a solution to the problem then somehow getting cut off. Then, when you call back, you get a different guy and have to start explaining the problem again from the beginning. (It makes me want to punch my phone through the wall when that happens.) Take the time consumption, the emotional energy and the frustration of that customer support guy scenario, multiply it by 1000, and that would be starting over with a new T. Not suggesting you not pursue a new T, just explaining one of the reasons I didn't. Good luck with that. Take care. Stay strong. Peace,

Ken

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#429527 - 03/29/13 11:58 PM Re: How do I bear the pain. [Re: CloudyFalls]
Jude Offline


Registered: 08/09/12
Posts: 1523
Loc: New England
Originally Posted By: CloudyFalls
It's not fair, this burden I have on my shoulders, the mountains I'm forced to move, but I have to put one foot in front of the other or just check out, and I'm not going to check out just yet. I'm not giving up without a fight. But that fight is exhausting me, and right now, it hurts like hell.

Thanks for posting this. I've written similar posts when I was at my "bottom" so I can well imagine what you're going through. Its NOT fair, but lots of things in life aren't. We have this burden of CSA and its aftermath. Others have different burdens. All we can do is, as you say, "Keep putting one foot in front of the other", one day at a time.

You are doing all the right things. Therapy, group, MS, and "Not giving up without a fight". Its going to be exhausting. Its going to hurt like hell. But then it does get better, little by little. I have found that it helps me endure if I get out and help others. Distracts me from the shit in my brain, and gives me some perspective.

If you feel yourself in a crisis, I have found the online counselors at 1in6.org to be useful in getting me through.

My own exprience is that there is no "cure" for me, but I am learning to live with the pain and still have a somewhat normal life. For me, normal will mean friends who care about me, a significant other, love, sex, and a career. Let me have those five things and I'll be satisfied with my life, despite the painfull memories.

What a drag that your T is retiring and your group's going out of business. I hope that you can find replacements soon. In the meantime, you know you have nearly 12,000 brothers here who "get it" and have your back.

Jude
_________________________
Well, I won't back down
No I won't back down
You can stand me up at the gates of hell
But I won't back down.
Tom Petty

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#429532 - 03/30/13 12:29 AM Re: How do I bear the pain. [Re: CloudyFalls]
DavoSwim Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/06/13
Posts: 327
Loc: Iowa, USA
CF,

I hate to see you experiencing such pain. I can certainly empathize with you. There have been times when the pain I've experienced as a result of CSA and subsequent therapy has seemed unbearable. It feels like the pain is unrelenting and just escalating. Every little task requires tremendous amount of energy and focus to accomplish. For every step forward, it seems like you're hit with 4 steps backward.

The truth is, it gets better. The pain is not permanent and progress is possible. The fact that you are here shows you have the strength to survive. You have endured some terrible things, but you have survived. That is a testament to your fortitude and your will to continue on. Your are strong, CF and you will make it through. You may have to punch the morning each day, but each day you have done it, and that is reason to celebrate. You may have to move mountains, but by god, you have moved them. Where others choose not to tread, you are marching on. It is a measure of your strength.

Putting your thought into words, and posting them here on MS is therapeutic. Just the act of doing so can release the pain. You have the support of so many other survivors here at MS, and the synergy generated by so many men supporting each is a catalyst to healing. Take it one day at a time, or if you need to, take it an hour at a time. Soon you will be surprised and impressed at the progress you've made.

Good luck CF, you have the strength within you to overcome.

DavO

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