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#429374 - 03/28/13 09:36 AM WHAT NOW?!
csasurvivor1992 Offline


Registered: 03/25/13
Posts: 132
Loc: Texas
I am so depressingly fucked up.

I am in therapy... have been for almost a year.

I know I was abused and sodomized by my father, fucking asshole. I hate him. I want to punch him in the face and watch him bleed. He deserves it.

I know all this stuff, anger and shame are starting in on me in full force.

How the hell do I get up and moving with me and my day? How the hell? What the hell do I do now?

All this great knowledge and honest perspective I've gained is just making me more upset!
_________________________
May your past be the sound of your feet upon the ground, carry on. ~Fun.

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#429375 - 03/28/13 09:47 AM Re: WHAT NOW?! [Re: csasurvivor1992]
ThisMan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/22/13
Posts: 767
Loc: upper south
Your name says is all, guy. CSASURVIVOR. You are a CSA survivor. What you are feeling is normal for guys like us. Periods of rage, remorse for things we had no control over, and anger and hatred for the perps. One of the things I do for myself when it hits me like this, and it does, is I just say over and over...it wasn't my fault, it wasn't my fault, it wasn't my fault.

I am learning after all these years to self-talk and give the crime back to the criminal. Its still difficult, but it somewhat takes the burden just a bit from me.

I am sorry the morning has started like this for you, but glad to hear you are with a T. Voice your hurt and pain here where people understand what has happened and why it hurts so much. Keep posting as often as you need. It helps to get it out. Hang in there and remember how great you are.

bill
_________________________
For now we see through a glass, darkly.



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#429388 - 03/28/13 01:31 PM Re: WHAT NOW?! [Re: csasurvivor1992]
Jude Offline


Registered: 08/09/12
Posts: 1478
Loc: New England
Hold on CSASurvivor, this is not an easy journey. Its more like a roller coaster ride thru hell. You will have days when you want to scream, rage, hate, cry, and just stay in bed. But I can tell you there will also be days where you can begin to see the possibility of a life not ruled by what was done to you as a boy. It will never go away, but you will be able to live with it, and enjoy your relationships, sexuality, career, and spiritual life.

ThisMan is right about self-talk. The voice that tells you bad things about yourself is the so-called father bastard who abused you. Time to find your own voice. A voice that will tell the truth. That it wasn't your fault. You didn't deserve it. That you were a good boy, a boy with value and purpose, who deserved to be loved and taken care of. The guilt and shame is all his. The hatred should be directed at him, not yourself. It wasn't your fault. We're all behind you 100%

Jude
_________________________
"But now old friends are acting strange,
they shake their heads, they say I've changed.
Something's lost but something's gained in living every day
....it's life's illusions I recall, I really don't know life at all. "
Joni Mitchell

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#429396 - 03/28/13 04:07 PM Re: WHAT NOW?! [Re: csasurvivor1992]
bodyguard8367 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/16/12
Posts: 1159
Loc: ""
""


Edited by bodyguard8367 (02/26/14 09:53 PM)

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#429430 - 03/28/13 11:29 PM Re: WHAT NOW?! [Re: csasurvivor1992]
cosmos Offline


Registered: 11/12/12
Posts: 176
Loc: Puget Sound
C92, wow, you wrote exactly where Iíve been for 6 months, could not have said it better!

ThisMan, Jude, I never thought of the negative dialog being part of the shame and brainwashing from el Diablo, just wow, I cried when I read your responses.

C92 I was a victim of incest from my grandfather from birth till 7, all I can say is it destroyed my family and me, I get it; thanx for the succinct understanding of your situation and your ability to articulate it, youíve helped immensely.

BG thanx for the advice.

Cee
_________________________
"it has never yet been discovered how to make man unknow his knowledge, or unthink his thoughts"

T. Paine

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#429456 - 03/29/13 10:19 AM Re: WHAT NOW?! [Re: csasurvivor1992]
csasurvivor1992 Offline


Registered: 03/25/13
Posts: 132
Loc: Texas
Thank you men. This truly helps.
_________________________
May your past be the sound of your feet upon the ground, carry on. ~Fun.

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#429465 - 03/29/13 11:12 AM Re: WHAT NOW?! [Re: csasurvivor1992]
Mountainous Buck Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/15/09
Posts: 1626
Loc: Minnesota
I have to disagree with Jude that this is a "Its more like a roller coaster ride thru hell" or that we will never go away.

The abuse happened. It was hell- too much hell- for me to deal with at the time.

That will never change.

But I can learn to deal with it, reclaim my life, and work through the negative stuff that's been inside: anger, shame, grief, you name it.

It requires honesty, effort, support, and a day at a time.

Learn to take care of yourself and be good to yourself.

You are NOT alone in this.

Jamie
_________________________
We have to take responsibility for what we're not responsible for.

ďIt doesn't matter where you've come from,
It matters where you go" Frank Turner

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#429469 - 03/29/13 11:46 AM Re: WHAT NOW?! [Re: csasurvivor1992]
genedebs Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/09/12
Posts: 283
Loc: MO
CSA survivor,

and all the other posts

Depressingly fucked up! What a straight forward way to put it.

I have been in therapy for forever ( 20 years). Ten years of cognitive therapy where I learned to combat the self talk. The acceptance that the messages I told myself were repeating what had been transferred to me in childhood in sexual and physical abuse.

Now for 10 years to stop minimizing the effect and accepting that the shame is not mine.

When I was 16, I did punch my father in the face and made him bleed. My mother told me I had nothing to feel guilty about, I only stole my brother's birthright.

Depression for me is still sometimes overwhelming. A diagnosis of chronic major depression would make this likely. But I can often walk though the gray fog depression, let go of the shame and sense of worthlessness, and even discover that anger no longer protects me from my feelings. Being sad may be unavoidable when I stop lying to myself, but it isn't disabling today.

WE struggle on the journey to incorporate our truth in our life and thus we heal.

Thanks for being on the path with us.

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