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#429359 - 03/28/13 03:52 AM I need to talk and ask you about enemas (triggers)
Jacob S Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/01/13
Posts: 594
"Are there any paranoids in the audience tonight? Is there anybody who worries about things? Pathetic. This is for all the weak people in the audience. Is there anyone here who's weak? This is for you. It's call 'Run Like Hell'." -- Roger Waters during a concert (in character as "Pink.")

*You better make your face up in
Your favourite disguise
With your button down lips and your
Roller blind eyes
*

First of all, the following should be read within the greater context of me having a bipolar mother who was very inconsistent, a father who was emotionally non-existent, and a family where physical touch was very rare.


*With your empty smile
And your hungry heart
*

Second, my parents were not my perps. And I haven't yet reconstructed my memories enough to know the timing of these events in regards to my perps. I do know some of my earliest memories are of horrible stomach pains, so I've dealt with that my entire life.


Ok, here we go . . .

*"Feel the bile rising from your guilty past
With your nerves in tatters"
*

When I was a child I would have very painful bowel movements that felt like razor sharp spikes. Remember the spiky-balls that used to fall out of the sky in Super Mario Brothers and kill you if you touched them? That's what I envisioned coming out of my butt. That's what it felt like. I would honestly be surprised when I look into the toilet and see that the only abnormal sign was blood. I absolutely expected to see I had passed some sort of spiked weapon. I now know that the feeling of rzors and the blood are common sign of anal fissures, which can occur naturally in children. One cause of fissures is constipation, which I also suffered from. But one result of anal fissures is constipation due to not wanting to go to the bathroom, so I don't know which was the cause and which was the result. I do not I used to force myself not to go.

*"And run all night"*


At the same time, though, when it would hurt and I couldn't go I would try to force myself to go in the middle of the night. I tried to be very quiet and not wake my parents. Inevitably I did though, and then the enema was administered. It was a degrading experience and I frequently recall being scolded during it.

*"And keep your dirty feelings
Deep inside.""
*

I would be brought down to their room (my parents slept on the first floor because of my father's knees). THe strange thing is I don't have a single memory of actually getting the enema, but then I would be placed on my side with a towel under me. I remember a blanket being placed to cover my front, not in a comforting way but as if to hide something disgusting. I remember being yelled at whenever my hands drifted toward the lower part of my body, so I learned to lie very still with my arms crossed against my chest. In retrospect, I think I think I vaguely remember having a weird and somewhat painful erection and I think my physical reaction, naturally, was to try to touch the part of my body that hurt the way I would rub a bruise. Or maybe it was a more base impulse.
Either way, my parents -- especially my mother -- responded as if she caught me raping a cat. Shock and shame. Thus the blanket thrown over me like they were trying to pretend I wasn't there.
Then like a switched being flipped, all that control that I wanted to have over my body disappeared. Full release. And it wasn't fun. The physical pain of constipation was gone, but the humiliation was indescribable.

*You better run*


So there you go. Bowel movements that felt like mideval torture, blood in my stool, being treated like I was a nuisance, enemas shoved up into me with hardly a word, hidden away like a monster, feeling out of control and bad.

And oh yeah, guess what guys? NONE of this gets to be counted as abuse. Giving enemas to kids isn't illegal, anal fissures are normal, and my dad was a physician so technically all this occured under the care of a doctor. So IM JUST SUPPOSED TO BE OK WITH IT?!?!?!?!?!?

Sorry. I really try hard not to yell when I am here. You guys are my friends. But I do need to ask a question:
how am I SUPPOSED to feel about this?
I really do mean that. I need some feedback. What is the reaction I should be having to this?

No big deal?


Edited by Jacob S (03/28/13 03:53 AM)
_________________________
Like a spent gladiator
crawling in the colosseum dust
who can count on his remaining limbs
all the people he can trust.
Like the one who stands behind him
cheering him on
Estatic when he stands defiant,
wild with abandon when he's gone

just stay alive.
do whatever you need to.
you are worth it.

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#429361 - 03/28/13 04:33 AM Re: I need to talk and ask you about enemas (triggers) [Re: Jacob S]
newground Offline
Chatroom Moderator
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 10/11/11
Posts: 751
Loc: michigan
I don't know that anyone can say hoe you SHOULD feel Jacob, but the events you describe sound torturous. weather something occurred "for our own good " or not is not the question it is the way that the adults treated us.and hot that left us to sort those feelings. I am terrified at drs visits and if there is a procedure it is worse as a young boy I remember having to have a shot in my butt no one tried to calm me or explain only just like you forced me to comply(it took several to hold me still enough) and I remember leaving feeling angry and violated. so yes I think your feelings are valid and it was perhaps not so much what they did but how they went about it.
be well man
Jeff
_________________________
Towards thee I roll, thou all-destroying but unconquering whale; to the last I grapple with thee; from hell's heart I stab at thee; for hate's sake I spit my last breath at thee. let me then tow to pieces, while still chasing thee, thou damned whale! Thus, I give up the spear!"
Herman Melville

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#429363 - 03/28/13 05:23 AM Re: I need to talk and ask you about enemas (triggers) [Re: Jacob S]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3357
Loc: somewhere in Africa
Jacob - if you think and feel that it was a big deal, then it was a BIG DEAL! in a conversation recently, i told my principal that only the person who is the one being spoken to has the right to say if it was verbal abuse or not. same thing here. you define it for yourself - do not accept someones else's dismissive attitude.

personally - i feel it was a big deal because i had similar things happen to me. when the step-dad married mom - that is one of my first memories of life at his house - being given enemas. the first time i was 5 1/2 and my brother was 3. after the first time i was the only one getting it. the strange thing is - i don;t think i was having any kind of bowel problems. he said he had to clean me out because i was dirty and sickly. i remember being scared and upset by it and not understanding what was happening or why. i had never had that done to me before. it felt like punishment - he seemed angry and tense. he did it several times and then he found other ways to mistreat me. i still HATE ememas and get very anxious at the thought. last week i had to have a complete physical followed by a colonoscopy - which involved an enema. i requested a general anesthesia - but the enema had to happen before they put me out. fortunately, it didn't take long and being unconscious is a really effective way of getting rid of a trigger!

so - i get where you are coming from, man! i can only sympathize about the other painful bowel troubles - and say that even if the enema was a legit treatment for the problem - the manner in which it was administered and you were treated sounds abusive to me.

Lee
_________________________
As my life goes on I believe somehow something's changed
Something deep inside...
I've been searchin so long to find an answer
Now I know my life has meaning
Now I see myself as I am, feeling very free...
When my tears have come to an end I will understand
What I left behind: a part of me. Chicago


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#429397 - 03/28/13 04:09 PM Re: I need to talk and ask you about enemas (triggers) [Re: Jacob S]
Publius Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/13/12
Posts: 396
Loc: OH
You are not supposed to be okay with it it is supposed to be okay. What was going to be an uncomfortable medical procedure was turned into overall painful experience by the very person who was supposed to make you feel as opposite to what you described as possible. I am really sorry this happened to you. Your parents may not have been your perps but they certainly did not help matters any.
_________________________
"Life is like this dark tunnel. You may not always see the light at the end of the tunnel, but if you keep moving, you will come to a better place." ~ General Iroh

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#429398 - 03/28/13 04:37 PM Re: I need to talk and ask you about enemas (triggers) [Re: Jacob S]
bodyguard8367 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/16/12
Posts: 1159
Loc: ""
""


Edited by bodyguard8367 (02/26/14 09:53 PM)

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