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#42936 - 02/01/06 11:45 AM I have a problem with my looks
Morning Star Offline
Member

Registered: 12/21/04
Posts: 1124
Loc: Home
When I look at my childhood pictures, I look fine, but as I proceed further, I start looking ugly. Even till off late, I didnt like my pictures.

I think I started looking ugly right after my abuse. Just because I was doing something ugly, I started believing I was ugly. This feeling hasn’t still quiet left me and keeps resurfacing and I start priming up myself, obsessively. Looking at the mirror to check whether I look attractive enough, or am I still ugly.

I also cant go out wearing any thing mismatched. Is it a coping mechanism to fight my sense of inner ugliness.Can any one relate to this?

_________________________
~ It's over!...Let go of Thy Past, Remember Thy Self ~

Why Don't People Heal, by Caroline Myss; 30 days to clean up your vibrations - Abraham-Hicks

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#42937 - 02/01/06 02:22 PM Re: I have a problem with my looks
reality2k4 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/06/04
Posts: 6838
Loc: Stuck between water, air, and ...
Abhi,

I cannot count the number of times that I looked into mirrors, from the time it happened to mid thirties or later.

I tend not to now, but I sure can relate to the feeling of feeling ugly and worthless, if a girl said I was handsome, I would just think she was lying to me.

The clothes thing sounds like OCD, in fact they both relate to OCD. They are coping mechanisms that we dont really need, as they only served us through earlier life, and should feel better as adults.

hope it helps,

ste

_________________________
Whoever stole the Sun, put it back and we'll drop all the charges!

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#42938 - 02/01/06 02:39 PM Re: I have a problem with my looks
Morning Star Offline
Member

Registered: 12/21/04
Posts: 1124
Loc: Home
Thanks Gaboo, I feel better now, guess needed to vent it, and find that I dont have some weird ailment, I keep imagining myself to be having, well that's for another board all together. ;\)

_________________________
~ It's over!...Let go of Thy Past, Remember Thy Self ~

Why Don't People Heal, by Caroline Myss; 30 days to clean up your vibrations - Abraham-Hicks

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#42939 - 02/01/06 05:11 PM Re: I have a problem with my looks
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Abhi,

I can remember never being able to face a mirror in the days when the abuse was occurring, and afterwards I too felt I was unattractive. What I recall specifically is feeling not only that I was ugly, but also that I was "obvious": I was somehow wearing a "sign" announcing what had happened to me. That took years to overcome, and in a way I guess it is still with me.

Damn. Something else to go on the list.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#42940 - 02/01/06 05:16 PM Re: I have a problem with my looks
FLRich Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/21/04
Posts: 1404
Morning Star,

I can relate somewhat to your feelings, but I handle them the exact opposite. I look in the mirror to shave and perform various grooming activities like putting in contacts, etc., but I never really look at myself. I cannot count the times I have arrived at work to have one of my coworkers say, "Hey buddy, you have dried toothpaste on the corner of your mouth," or I look in the mirror while I'm washing my hands and see that I have worn a cap for half the day.

I am trying to train myself to actually look at myself before I leave the house now. Clothing is another matter. I always have to match, be in style, and I can rival Emelda Marcos as far as shoes go. Sort of seems a waste to dress up, though when you are wearing an old baseball cap and have dried toothpaste on you lips.

I'm not sure if this is a result of abuse or not. I know I've been "scatter brained" ever since, so maybe it is. This stuff affects us all in different ways, but hey, we survived.

Take care,


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#42941 - 02/01/06 08:11 PM Re: I have a problem with my looks
Andrew Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/25/03
Posts: 1192
Morning Star,
I can relate to what you are saying. SA, or for that matter any form of abuse, can cause a distorted view of how we perceive our physical selves. Peace, Andrew

_________________________
there is no courage without anxiety

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#42942 - 02/02/06 12:45 AM Re: I have a problem with my looks
Russ2 Offline
Member

Registered: 10/28/03
Posts: 77
Morning Star,

I think I understand some of what you've experienced. I am always looking in the mirror. Looking for something -- does it show? can others see it? maybe if I'm ultra vigilant, then no one will notice. or if I pay very close attention, then maybe it won't happen again.

With regard to photographs, I look at ones taken of me during that period and I feel like I don't connect in any way to the boy in the picture. I recall feeling that way even back then. As if that face, that body belongs to someone else. It couldn't be me. But it was.

Be strong.
Russ


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#42943 - 02/02/06 01:16 AM Re: I have a problem with my looks
kuurt Offline
Member

Registered: 12/23/05
Posts: 168
Loc: louisiana
yeah, i totally feel the same way. i have felt ugly ever since it all happend. right after all the bad stuff ended i started dressing in baggy long sleeves and pants and never washing my hair. i felt i was ugly and figured that there was nothing i could do to help that. i decided to use the fact that i thought i was ugly to my advantage by making myself look worse to keep people away from me.

anyway, i still hate the way i look...i feel the exact same way you do. it sucks.

_________________________
"if it keeps on rainin' the levee's gonna break.
and if the levee breaks, i'll have no place to stay"
-led zeppelin

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#42944 - 02/02/06 05:44 AM Re: I have a problem with my looks
Morning Star Offline
Member

Registered: 12/21/04
Posts: 1124
Loc: Home
"I WAS OBVIOUS”
Those words ring so true, I always feared that, my parents would catch me, and end my little love fest! Or someone else would come to know and join in.

I subconscious wanted to hide under my skin, and gradually gained weight, and kept on wondering, “Why can’t I loose weight? I forgot weight was not about eating; it was what kept me safe. Now that I am feeling safe again, I am gradually loosing weight on my own. I am no longer carrying all that burden.

O how much I feared stepping out of home knowing that I would be watched, they would spot me, and that ‘I am obvious’. I still have that fear and unless I feel completely safe, I don’t mix with people or maintain a non committal stance. It is still hard to make emotional bonding, when I relate to other just as a human being.

_________________________
~ It's over!...Let go of Thy Past, Remember Thy Self ~

Why Don't People Heal, by Caroline Myss; 30 days to clean up your vibrations - Abraham-Hicks

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#42945 - 02/02/06 05:55 AM Re: I have a problem with my looks
Morning Star Offline
Member

Registered: 12/21/04
Posts: 1124
Loc: Home
"I look in the mirror .....but I never really look at myself."

Rich, I too look into the mirror to seemingly 'admire' myself and my clothes or my facial skin, but actually I am looking out for flaws, as you said, I seldom LOOK at myself, into my eyes. Because lets face it, I hate the one behind those eyes. And when u hate someone you cant see any good thing about them. I find it real hard to find any good quality in me, wait for others to do that for me.

Actually, I am also in such a hurry all the time, always in a rush as if I am getting late or if I dont hurry up I will ge scolded or something,even while brushing my teeth I am never relaxed, I want to complete a task before something goes wrong, and ya even while watching a movie I think,things are going too I think things will go wrong soon!.

Even while sitting here, or watching TV, I sense my body getting tense, my muscles training to be in vigilant state just like my mind does, Sometimes I just have literally remind myself to RELAX! ...I keep fearing that when I step out on the drive, boy that drives me nuts, what if I have flat tyre or get stuck in atraffic jam or something and cant make it on time, knowing well that it wont make a difference, but still not knowing and rushing myself thru it allm thru life. Hope I find time to live.

Though the other day I tried something new I looked into my eyes for a stretch, just looked straight into my eyes, no thoughts, and gradually as I began to peer into my soul, I felt some connection and felt a relaxing feeling spreading thru, that is connection I have been looking for all along.

Sometimes I just want to close my eyes, and feel myself from within, feel my heart, see what it is to be me!

_________________________
~ It's over!...Let go of Thy Past, Remember Thy Self ~

Why Don't People Heal, by Caroline Myss; 30 days to clean up your vibrations - Abraham-Hicks

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#42946 - 02/02/06 06:07 AM Re: I have a problem with my looks
Morning Star Offline
Member

Registered: 12/21/04
Posts: 1124
Loc: Home
It is like I keep correcting my spelling mistakes obsessively,knowing that I wont be judged or laughed at or feel like a fool making silly mistake, I could never concentrate at school and made a million mistakes in exams and lost numbers.

And this seeming streak of 'perfectionism' comes from the fact that deep inside I feel imperfect and believe I cant do anything about it.

I am that pure light. But it is the memory of those imperfect moments of my life that make me feel so imperfetc, so ugly, I felt totally imperfect when my father laughed at me or told me so or when things happened that were not happen so perfect. But just because imperfect things happened to me, that does n't make me imperfect!? As those were things that happened to me, and not me, I am not defined by my experiences, am I?

Today when I heal those moments, I know they were perfect to make me the man I am today, so it was all worthwhile. hey ! I am not imperfect any more! And now I remember someone telling me that, God made me in his image, hmmm...it never struck me as true. ;\)
........................

BEAUTIFUL IN MY EYES (Joshua Kadison)

You’re my piece of mind, in this crazy world
You’re every thing I've tried to find
Your love is a pearl
You’re my Mona Lisa
You’re my rainbow skies
And my only prayer is that you realize
You'll always be beautiful in my eyes...
The world will turn
And the seasons will change
And all the lessons we will learn
Will be beautiful and strange
We'll have our fell of tears
Our share of sight
My only prayer is that you realize
You'll always be beautiful in my eyes...
You will always be beautiful in my eyes
And the passing is the show
That you will always grow
Ever more beautiful in my eyes
And there are lines upon my face
From a life time of smiles
When the time comes to embrace
For one long last wine
We can laugh about how time really flies
We won’t say goodbye
‘Cause true love never dies
You'll always be beautiful in my eyes...
You will always be beautiful in my eyes
And the passing is the show
That you will always grow
Ever more beautiful in my eyes
The passing is the show
That you will always grow
Ever more beautiful in my eyes...


"You will always be, Beautiful In My Eyes"

_________________________
~ It's over!...Let go of Thy Past, Remember Thy Self ~

Why Don't People Heal, by Caroline Myss; 30 days to clean up your vibrations - Abraham-Hicks

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#42947 - 02/02/06 10:55 AM Re: I have a problem with my looks
reality2k4 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/06/04
Posts: 6838
Loc: Stuck between water, air, and ...
Abhi,

"Rich, I too look into the mirror to seemingly 'admire' myself and my clothes or my facial skin, but actually I am looking out for flaws, as you said, I seldom LOOK at myself, into my eyes. Because lets face it, I hate the one behind those eyes".

This is what you need to put behind you, it is survival instincts going back to when it happened.

You shied away from attraction, and could not look people in the eye, for fear of them knowing.

I am always in a hurry, just like when I was a kid, never relaxing, hard to keep to tasks, never truly focussing on my real world etc.

Those qualities you just wrote are a reminder of who you really are, a great guy.

This is the road to finding yourself, you will still find yourself falling back, but the more you can stay on track for the future, the past can be easier to live with.

I hope this helps, you are a fine thinker,

ste

BTW, I can type pretty fast, but some days I give up on typos and grammar.

_________________________
Whoever stole the Sun, put it back and we'll drop all the charges!

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#42948 - 02/02/06 12:24 PM Re: I have a problem with my looks
Morning Star Offline
Member

Registered: 12/21/04
Posts: 1124
Loc: Home
"You shied away from attraction, and could not look people in the eye, for fear of them knowing"

That makes lots of sense, I feared my attraction, as I thought it might get me hurt. Interestingly as I explored my 'attractions' later in life I realised that they were just a part of me looking for love, and when I start loving myself completely, they started disappearing too. So all I had to do was to focus on myself.
\:\)

_________________________
~ It's over!...Let go of Thy Past, Remember Thy Self ~

Why Don't People Heal, by Caroline Myss; 30 days to clean up your vibrations - Abraham-Hicks

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#42949 - 02/02/06 07:47 PM Re: I have a problem with my looks
Bobby Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/01/04
Posts: 1287
Loc: Arizona
I just got fat. It worked. Now, every time I go on a diet and lose the weight, something inside of me panics and needs to be fat again. What's up with that? I don't talk about it with people because it sounds so weird, but I can almost feel myself needing to get back to that weight sometimes...it's a sort of obsessive/fear feeling. That one was tough to write about. Bobby

_________________________
I'm healing now, and I wasn't sure I would.




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#42950 - 02/03/06 12:51 AM Re: I have a problem with my looks
ForeverFighting Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/09/05
Posts: 1058
Loc: New Mexico, USA
This thread is so much of me. I was sick yesterday and had this dream about feeling like I was "one of the guys". It was such a happy dream that when I finally went back to bed I tried to get it to continue. Morning Star, you've got the answer right there. If we can allow ourselves to feel love, we won't need to keep filling some role that doesn't exist anymore.

Last therapy session I was talking about how with my wife I can be myself, I don't have to wear a mask or be somebody I'm not, and he kind of repeated back to me what I was saying. And I said, "Yeah, that's what I want." He looked at me and said, "That's what you have." I couldn't believe what I'd just said. It's like I can't accept the fact that I am loved, that I am free from the control of the world's perps, so I keep searching, searching, dressing the part, working the abs. What am I looking for? Even if I thought I'd found it, would the search end? I think I'd keep looking, never finding.

We are loved. We've just been kicked in the head so much that we can't feel that we're loved. I can be loved. So can all of us.

Morning Star, sometimes I think you and I are clones. I feel what you're saying. It was the abuse and our trying to maintain control over something that was completely out of our control. "If I'd only looked better..."

_________________________
ForeverFighting

"This search for the truth--it's not for the faint of heart."--Goren on 'Law & Order: CI'
"The former things will not be called to mind, neither will they come up into the heart."--Isaiah 65:17

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#42951 - 02/03/06 02:02 AM Re: I have a problem with my looks
FLRich Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/21/04
Posts: 1404
Bobby,

I just got old and ugly! LOL


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#42952 - 02/03/06 02:34 AM Re: I have a problem with my looks
endlessjourney Offline
Member

Registered: 11/01/05
Posts: 518
Loc: Cincinnati Ohio
Maybe looking perfect is a way to hide your true self. A wise individual told me you're only as attractive as you think you are. The real you is attractive enough. I know its hard to realize that but I can relate to that and I have worked on that issue before. The real you inside and out is beautiful. You need not hide the truth for hiding the truth is allowing the abuse to remain dormant within you. I think after breaking the silence more, you will realize that people still love you and accept you for who "you" are and not the "clone" that Forever Fighting has mentioned. Taking a chance and telling close friends of your pain is hard but you'll find that the good ones will love you regardless and the ones that don't aren't worth a rat's ass anyway and you deserve better friends than that. I call that taking out the trash. The real you is wonderful from my standpoint but it all starts with you and how you feel about yourself. Maybe someone in your past wanted you to feel ugly and taught you that so you would feel worthless and shameful. I think we all know what the motive behind that is. Sounds to me like that complex is a remnant of a lie. I don't buy it. Do you?

_________________________
Truth is the very reason we strive to live. It surrounds and resides within us. Accepting the truths we already know and seeking out those we do not is a direct path to inner balance and joy. For life is not a means to an end, but a journey. Life comes and goes but the truth will always live on.

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#42953 - 02/03/06 02:40 AM Re: I have a problem with my looks
endlessjourney Offline
Member

Registered: 11/01/05
Posts: 518
Loc: Cincinnati Ohio
I always felt ugly until recently. Now, inspite of the perps, I can look in the mirror, laugh, and say that's the best damn lookin son of a bitch I've ever seen! F... them and anyone else who thinks otherwise! What a feeling of freedom.
I know these issues hurt and take a long time to heal at times but recovery works. It can be done!
Don't give up!

_________________________
Truth is the very reason we strive to live. It surrounds and resides within us. Accepting the truths we already know and seeking out those we do not is a direct path to inner balance and joy. For life is not a means to an end, but a journey. Life comes and goes but the truth will always live on.

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#42954 - 02/03/06 06:02 AM Re: I have a problem with my looks
VN Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/03/05
Posts: 723
There is people who will tell to me that I am not ugly, nice looking enough man. But I do not see it, just see ugly. I do not like the mirror, I do not like pictures taken, I do not like even that people look at me. Maybe some time it will be easier, like everything else with healing.

VN


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#42955 - 02/03/06 07:39 AM Re: I have a problem with my looks
kalimi Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 01/16/06
Posts: 22
Loc: portland oregon
like bobby, i'm fat. and i consider myself ugly.
and i too have a sabateur inside that quickly undoes anything i do to get thin and healty. and i too have some of my nicest human contacts in my dreams.
i think about dating, but to paraphrase woody allen. i wouldn't date anyone who would have me for a boy friend. also, girls in my same age/attractiveness group don't seem attractive to me.
this thread started with re-visiting the site of your abuse. mine was in my own bed. i had to sleep in it every night. i never told. i merely cried myself to sleep and sucked my thumb so much that my mother put a cage on it to stop me. (my only solace) and when i sucked my fingers, she put foul tasting chemicals on them.
wow, no wonder i'm so fucked up.
glad you can clear some of your demons by re-visiting. best wishes. bob


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#42956 - 02/03/06 08:12 AM Re: I have a problem with my looks
Morning Star Offline
Member

Registered: 12/21/04
Posts: 1124
Loc: Home
Quote:
"We are loved. "
as FF rightly put it, self-love is the crux of our healing, realising that we are loved, period, no matter what.
That is why the unconditional aspect of divine love makes healing the fastest, He accepts us no matter what we do, without judgment.
And the moment we realise it for ourselves,we are healed!

_________________________
~ It's over!...Let go of Thy Past, Remember Thy Self ~

Why Don't People Heal, by Caroline Myss; 30 days to clean up your vibrations - Abraham-Hicks

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#42957 - 02/03/06 11:23 AM Re: I have a problem with my looks
reality2k4 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/06/04
Posts: 6838
Loc: Stuck between water, air, and ...
I think we have to put "ugly" into the past.
For many years my older brother would call me ugly apart from worse things than that, he would call me those things in front of his friends.

His 'friends' were confused at why he said this, and tended to like me more than him.

I wonder why?

To this day he craves attention, even from me, he doesnt get it, not off anybody.

I dont crave attention, but the little boy does, maybe there is a difference, I dont know.

Get to know the reflection in the mirror, buy a full length one, and put it all in the past.

Not easy, but it can be done.
If anyone can do it, its you guys, the fighters of the World,

ste

_________________________
Whoever stole the Sun, put it back and we'll drop all the charges!

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#42958 - 02/03/06 12:40 PM Re: I have a problem with my looks
Morning Star Offline
Member

Registered: 12/21/04
Posts: 1124
Loc: Home
I dont crave attention, but the little boy does, maybe there is a difference, I dont know....

Ste, What did you mean by that? who is the little boy here?

_________________________
~ It's over!...Let go of Thy Past, Remember Thy Self ~

Why Don't People Heal, by Caroline Myss; 30 days to clean up your vibrations - Abraham-Hicks

Top
#42959 - 02/03/06 04:08 PM Re: I have a problem with my looks
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Vitaliy,

Quote:
Maybe some time it will be easier, like everything else with healing.
You are exactly right I think. I often discover something, think about it, and "know" that it's true. But I still don't "believe" it yet. That's what takes time. But we will get there.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#42960 - 02/05/06 03:18 AM Re: I have a problem with my looks
shadowkid Offline
WARNING from ModTeam, September 2013: user "Shadowkid" was exposed as a hoaxer. His entire online persona and stories of sexual abuse were fiction. We encourage you not to become emotionally concerned by anything you see in any of his posts. Thank you
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/18/05
Posts: 2437
i have a scar that runs from my left ear down undethe jaw to the edge of my chin ,thanks to my abuser i dont look in mirrors at all . shadow

_________________________
its not hard to fall
when you float like a cannonball - damien rice

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#42961 - 02/19/06 06:32 AM Re: I have a problem with my looks
bem Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 02/16/06
Posts: 5
Loc: Texas
I felt the same way, I'm felt ugly and fat and no-one gave me a second look because I felt ugly. If anyone said I was cute or the goodlookin wagon didn't pass me by I would think they were telling me this sothat my feelings would be hurt. I spent soo much money on cleansers/lotions/tonics to improve my face and I spent way too much money on hairstyles - anything to make me feel like I wasn't as bad lookin as people saw me. And don't even ask how much money I spent on clothing - any given Sunday I would be wearing at least 20k in clothing to church - to make up for my ugliness and short stature - I'm 5ft 6in and then weighed 135lbs but I felt I was short fat and ugly but I had a killer wardrobe because I overspent because of my SA. I can just now look in a mirror and not see a ugly man - I know I'm no great looker but I'm not UGLY. You'll find that looks aren't all that important, you remember the old saying "Looks are only skin deep". I am now realizing this - what's inside is what really counts. Just like endlessjourney said "these issues hurt" but you will get thru it in time. Believe me I've been dealing with this for 33 years and it now has happened for me. bem


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#42962 - 02/20/06 08:46 PM Re: I have a problem with my looks
Morning Star Offline
Member

Registered: 12/21/04
Posts: 1124
Loc: Home
THE DAY I SAW MY FACE

I met myself one day.
it was evening
and my face wasn’t clear.

So, I feared
Whether I would be ugly
or would I look beautiful.

So I waited by the shore.

Then,
the first rays came
and touched my face.
It shined
like the rays itself.
I wasn’t ugly
or beautiful
I was just me.

…………………..

_________________________
~ It's over!...Let go of Thy Past, Remember Thy Self ~

Why Don't People Heal, by Caroline Myss; 30 days to clean up your vibrations - Abraham-Hicks

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#42963 - 02/20/06 10:16 PM Re: I have a problem with my looks
Splitting Offline
Member

Registered: 12/26/04
Posts: 62
What a frustrating topic.

I am told that I am attractive by some very attractive people. I would rather someone hit me in the head with an ax than to look into a mirror. I too am afraid that nothing matches. I used to over compensate by just weaaring jeans and t-shirts that I received for running foot races (another addiction). I also felt completely unworthy to put nice things on such a filthy body.
In terms of childhood photos, I see them and I might as well be looking at a milk carton. There is no connection. I ask people if they remember their childhoods, and they start reeling of memories. I learned last month that my younger brother did not spend two summers with us at home...I was there...I think.

I know that these were all God-given talents that helped us survive, but I am tired of feeling / or not feeling, like this. One of my favorite drawings I have done is that of an armless boy treading water in some very high seas. He is now 42.


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#42965 - 02/28/06 10:14 AM Re: I have a problem with my looks
ak Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/10/04
Posts: 1491
I think part the reason I do not feel so comfortable, how I look, well it is two things. One, that two those men who abuse me, both tell me I am 'beuatiful boy' and such things. To hear something as that now, it would realy make me sick in my stomach. But also, something that upset me now, is that my face, still is very much like child, even as I am adult now. People look at me and see me younger then my age, and it like will make me feel again in those past feelings. And training very much intense sport, there is such physical importence anyway. I use to be so afraid to gain weight, would not eat, or make myself throw up. It take long time to realize it, that is out of control behaving, but I did not care until the last year or year and half. Now, it feels good usually to be like healthy, but still, it is uncomfort with what I look like.

andrei


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#42966 - 02/28/06 01:35 PM Re: I have a problem with my looks
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Andrei,

I think a lot of young survivors feel as you do. Perhaps it would help to bear in mind that you had a right to be you - however you looked - and still be safe. To focus on the memory of being called a beautiful boy and link it to the abuse is, in a way, taking responsibility for what was done to you. Your attractiveness was not the reason you were abused - all the blame lies with the abusers.

We all have a right to be happy with who we are and how we look.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

Top
#42967 - 03/05/06 10:44 PM Re: I have a problem with my looks
reality2k4 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/06/04
Posts: 6838
Loc: Stuck between water, air, and ...
I guess we all went through the phase of problem with looks.

Take a step back from what you see, do others perceive you the same negative way, or do they see things that you cannot see.

I spent most of my life either looking in mirrors, or avoiding them, and every day looking in the mirror before going to school and wondering if anybody could see the hurt in my eyes etc.

I guess I wondered if I even got through the day without another fight or the kids mocking me.
I remember a kid almost knock me out with a football he kicked at my head, and footballs weighed a lot more then.

I had my front teeth knocked out by some other kid then had my face smashed by another.
I got scars on my face and hands from kids stabbing me with pencils.

I had to run a daily gauntlet through life as a kid, constantly aware that I must have a sign to just freakin abuse him.

Andrei talks about the looking or acting younger way of life, but that is how I am, and I hate ppl taking advantage and treat me as a kid.

It is all down, I am sure, to boundary issues learned in the past, no more than that, but they sure are profound in younger days.

Is it any wonder we still run with these old tapes, as they were needed then, but not needed so much now.
Undoing these feelings would mean saying goodbye to an old friend.

And yes, abuse is an old friend, a part of me that will always mean so much to me.
I have a distorted lens on life, I cannot perceive what life can be like for others.

I can only perceive my life and my surroundings with what I learned, and how I learn to adjust in a harsh World, which I guess is a load better than some peoples lot.

There is no problem with your looks, it is of the past,

ste

_________________________
Whoever stole the Sun, put it back and we'll drop all the charges!

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#42968 - 03/26/06 09:56 AM Re: I have a problem with my looks
time2heal Offline
Member

Registered: 03/21/06
Posts: 46
Powerful discussion here. I have many of the same feelings here but wanted to dig a touch deeper. Besides making myself somewhat unattractive I believe related to pushing away the abuser (didn't happen though) I could not accept compliments of my appearance. Beyond that I had a fear of showing my body especially my penis. I would urinate in stalls and at boyscout camp during the group showers I wore swim trucks. I also refused to take showers after football practice or after a workout in the gym in late teens until I got home. I was ashamed of my penis around other men. After lots of sexual relationships with women I realized I had no reasons to fear showing my penis or being ashamed of it. (LEAVE THE LIGHTS ON!!) Has anyone had similar issues because of the abuse?


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#42969 - 03/26/06 10:14 AM Re: I have a problem with my looks
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
time2heal,

My own experience as a boy was that I was ashamed of my whole body, probably because of the incredibly cruel things the abuser did to humiliate me. Even if I was clothed, but especially if I was naked, I felt like I was wearing the abuse like a set of Christmas lights.

So far as my penis was concerned, I recall feeling bad and guilty that I was a boy - as if I had somehow chosen my sex myself. My penis reminded me why I was being abused, and I felt disgusted with myself that even this most private part of me wasn't really mine to control what was done with it anymore.

I wasn't ashamed of it, but my penis was a constant reminder of everything I considered to be terrible and shameful about myself.

Hope this helps.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#42970 - 03/26/06 01:04 PM Re: I have a problem with my looks
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
How many of us wear black or dark clothes?

I have a wardrobe full of black or grey shirts and black jeans, very little colour at all.
Is that an attempt to look inconspicuous?

More recently though I have become more daring, and I actually have a very smart shiny gold coloured Italian suit! ( it's not as bad as it sounds - honestly ) and I feel fabulous in it. I wear it and I feel as though I'm in a ZZ Top video to the "Sharp Dressed Man" song.
It is a 'statement' suit, and people do comment on it all the time, other men usually say "I wish I could get away with wearing that" and women love it, especially my wife.

It did take a certain amount of nerve to wear it at first, but the result was a massive boost in my confidence when I realised that wearing it actually said "look at me, I feel good in this suit". Which is something I don't feel in my only other suit, the dark grey one for funerals!

Dave

_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

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#42971 - 03/26/06 01:36 PM Re: I have a problem with my looks
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Dave,

I love the idea of you in a gold shiny suit! That is so cool! \:\)

My wardrobe is devoid of taste or nerve I think. A few dark trousers, but mainly blue jeans. Piles and piles of T shirts on all sorts of interesting themes, but regular shirts? Very traditional and all things that go with dark blue.

I came into my department one day in a nice suit and tie and it was hilarious. Everyone thought I was headed across the plaza to meet the University President. They say I never dress up unless I am going to see him and want more money for my department. \:\)

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#42972 - 03/28/06 04:56 PM Re: I have a problem with my looks
ForeverFighting Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/09/05
Posts: 1058
Loc: New Mexico, USA
Black, black, my color, my friend. If I could wear black pants to work every day of my life, I'd be happy. My wife tries to dress me sometimes. She wants me to wear pants without pleats. I have a very hard time with that. What if I show? Then she buys me kind of tight sweaters. I wore one to a bad therapist last month, and he said he thinks I have "identity issues", because I dress like I'm gay. I couldn't wait to get home and get that sweater off and replaced with my big comfortable shirt. I thought, "My wife made me wear it! Honest! It wasn't something I picked out!" But the truth of it is I feel vulnerable in any clothes that show me. When I was in my teens I was skinny as a rail, but I wanted to wear any clothes that might be made by Coleman. (like the tent)

And I think it's a thing in my head that if I wear the wrong clothes, look the wrong way, they'll be able to see through my facade. That I'm really a slut or that I'm trying to be something I'm not. I just want to be me. It took me a long time to realize "The Body" wasn't the enemy, but there's a paranoia that if I wear something I shouldn't, I'll be "asking for it", that I'll have to play a part I don't want to play.

_________________________
ForeverFighting

"This search for the truth--it's not for the faint of heart."--Goren on 'Law & Order: CI'
"The former things will not be called to mind, neither will they come up into the heart."--Isaiah 65:17

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