It is like I keep correcting my spelling mistakes obsessively,knowing that I wont be judged or laughed at or feel like a fool making silly mistake, I could never concentrate at school and made a million mistakes in exams and lost numbers.

And this seeming streak of 'perfectionism' comes from the fact that deep inside I feel imperfect and believe I cant do anything about it.

I am that pure light. But it is the memory of those imperfect moments of my life that make me feel so imperfetc, so ugly, I felt totally imperfect when my father laughed at me or told me so or when things happened that were not happen so perfect. But just because imperfect things happened to me, that does n't make me imperfect!? As those were things that happened to me, and not me, I am not defined by my experiences, am I?

Today when I heal those moments, I know they were perfect to make me the man I am today, so it was all worthwhile. hey ! I am not imperfect any more! And now I remember someone telling me that, God made me in his image, hmmm...it never struck me as true.
........................

BEAUTIFUL IN MY EYES (Joshua Kadison)

You’re my piece of mind, in this crazy world
You’re every thing I've tried to find
Your love is a pearl
You’re my Mona Lisa
You’re my rainbow skies
And my only prayer is that you realize
You'll always be beautiful in my eyes...
The world will turn
And the seasons will change
And all the lessons we will learn
Will be beautiful and strange
We'll have our fell of tears
Our share of sight
My only prayer is that you realize
You'll always be beautiful in my eyes...
You will always be beautiful in my eyes
And the passing is the show
That you will always grow
Ever more beautiful in my eyes
And there are lines upon my face
From a life time of smiles
When the time comes to embrace
For one long last wine
We can laugh about how time really flies
We won’t say goodbye
‘Cause true love never dies
You'll always be beautiful in my eyes...
You will always be beautiful in my eyes
And the passing is the show
That you will always grow
Ever more beautiful in my eyes
The passing is the show
That you will always grow
Ever more beautiful in my eyes...


"You will always be, Beautiful In My Eyes"

Abhi,

"Rich, I too look into the mirror to seemingly 'admire' myself and my clothes or my facial skin, but actually I am looking out for flaws, as you said, I seldom LOOK at myself, into my eyes. Because lets face it, I hate the one behind those eyes".

This is what you need to put behind you, it is survival instincts going back to when it happened.

You shied away from attraction, and could not look people in the eye, for fear of them knowing.

I am always in a hurry, just like when I was a kid, never relaxing, hard to keep to tasks, never truly focussing on my real world etc.

Those qualities you just wrote are a reminder of who you really are, a great guy.

This is the road to finding yourself, you will still find yourself falling back, but the more you can stay on track for the future, the past can be easier to live with.

I hope this helps, you are a fine thinker,

ste

BTW, I can type pretty fast, but some days I give up on typos and grammar.

"You shied away from attraction, and could not look people in the eye, for fear of them knowing"

That makes lots of sense, I feared my attraction, as I thought it might get me hurt. Interestingly as I explored my 'attractions' later in life I realised that they were just a part of me looking for love, and when I start loving myself completely, they started disappearing too. So all I had to do was to focus on myself.

I just got fat. It worked. Now, every time I go on a diet and lose the weight, something inside of me panics and needs to be fat again. What's up with that? I don't talk about it with people because it sounds so weird, but I can almost feel myself needing to get back to that weight sometimes...it's a sort of obsessive/fear feeling. That one was tough to write about. Bobby

This thread is so much of me. I was sick yesterday and had this dream about feeling like I was "one of the guys". It was such a happy dream that when I finally went back to bed I tried to get it to continue. Morning Star, you've got the answer right there. If we can allow ourselves to feel love, we won't need to keep filling some role that doesn't exist anymore.

Last therapy session I was talking about how with my wife I can be myself, I don't have to wear a mask or be somebody I'm not, and he kind of repeated back to me what I was saying. And I said, "Yeah, that's what I want." He looked at me and said, "That's what you have." I couldn't believe what I'd just said. It's like I can't accept the fact that I am loved, that I am free from the control of the world's perps, so I keep searching, searching, dressing the part, working the abs. What am I looking for? Even if I thought I'd found it, would the search end? I think I'd keep looking, never finding.

We are loved. We've just been kicked in the head so much that we can't feel that we're loved. I can be loved. So can all of us.

Morning Star, sometimes I think you and I are clones. I feel what you're saying. It was the abuse and our trying to maintain control over something that was completely out of our control. "If I'd only looked better..."

Bobby,

I just got old and ugly! LOL

Maybe looking perfect is a way to hide your true self. A wise individual told me you're only as attractive as you think you are. The real you is attractive enough. I know its hard to realize that but I can relate to that and I have worked on that issue before. The real you inside and out is beautiful. You need not hide the truth for hiding the truth is allowing the abuse to remain dormant within you. I think after breaking the silence more, you will realize that people still love you and accept you for who "you" are and not the "clone" that Forever Fighting has mentioned. Taking a chance and telling close friends of your pain is hard but you'll find that the good ones will love you regardless and the ones that don't aren't worth a rat's ass anyway and you deserve better friends than that. I call that taking out the trash. The real you is wonderful from my standpoint but it all starts with you and how you feel about yourself. Maybe someone in your past wanted you to feel ugly and taught you that so you would feel worthless and shameful. I think we all know what the motive behind that is. Sounds to me like that complex is a remnant of a lie. I don't buy it. Do you?

I always felt ugly until recently. Now, inspite of the perps, I can look in the mirror, laugh, and say that's the best damn lookin son of a bitch I've ever seen! F... them and anyone else who thinks otherwise! What a feeling of freedom.
I know these issues hurt and take a long time to heal at times but recovery works. It can be done!
Don't give up!

There is people who will tell to me that I am not ugly, nice looking enough man. But I do not see it, just see ugly. I do not like the mirror, I do not like pictures taken, I do not like even that people look at me. Maybe some time it will be easier, like everything else with healing.

VN

like bobby, i'm fat. and i consider myself ugly.
and i too have a sabateur inside that quickly undoes anything i do to get thin and healty. and i too have some of my nicest human contacts in my dreams.
i think about dating, but to paraphrase woody allen. i wouldn't date anyone who would have me for a boy friend. also, girls in my same age/attractiveness group don't seem attractive to me.
this thread started with re-visiting the site of your abuse. mine was in my own bed. i had to sleep in it every night. i never told. i merely cried myself to sleep and sucked my thumb so much that my mother put a cage on it to stop me. (my only solace) and when i sucked my fingers, she put foul tasting chemicals on them.
wow, no wonder i'm so fucked up.
glad you can clear some of your demons by re-visiting. best wishes. bob