When I look at my childhood pictures, I look fine, but as I proceed further, I start looking ugly. Even till off late, I didnt like my pictures.

I think I started looking ugly right after my abuse. Just because I was doing something ugly, I started believing I was ugly. This feeling hasn’t still quiet left me and keeps resurfacing and I start priming up myself, obsessively. Looking at the mirror to check whether I look attractive enough, or am I still ugly.

I also cant go out wearing any thing mismatched. Is it a coping mechanism to fight my sense of inner ugliness.Can any one relate to this?

Abhi,

I cannot count the number of times that I looked into mirrors, from the time it happened to mid thirties or later.

I tend not to now, but I sure can relate to the feeling of feeling ugly and worthless, if a girl said I was handsome, I would just think she was lying to me.

The clothes thing sounds like OCD, in fact they both relate to OCD. They are coping mechanisms that we dont really need, as they only served us through earlier life, and should feel better as adults.

hope it helps,

ste

Thanks Gaboo, I feel better now, guess needed to vent it, and find that I dont have some weird ailment, I keep imagining myself to be having, well that's for another board all together.

Abhi,

I can remember never being able to face a mirror in the days when the abuse was occurring, and afterwards I too felt I was unattractive. What I recall specifically is feeling not only that I was ugly, but also that I was "obvious": I was somehow wearing a "sign" announcing what had happened to me. That took years to overcome, and in a way I guess it is still with me.

Damn. Something else to go on the list.

Much love,
Larry

Morning Star,

I can relate somewhat to your feelings, but I handle them the exact opposite. I look in the mirror to shave and perform various grooming activities like putting in contacts, etc., but I never really look at myself. I cannot count the times I have arrived at work to have one of my coworkers say, "Hey buddy, you have dried toothpaste on the corner of your mouth," or I look in the mirror while I'm washing my hands and see that I have worn a cap for half the day.

I am trying to train myself to actually look at myself before I leave the house now. Clothing is another matter. I always have to match, be in style, and I can rival Emelda Marcos as far as shoes go. Sort of seems a waste to dress up, though when you are wearing an old baseball cap and have dried toothpaste on you lips.

I'm not sure if this is a result of abuse or not. I know I've been "scatter brained" ever since, so maybe it is. This stuff affects us all in different ways, but hey, we survived.

Take care,

Morning Star,
I can relate to what you are saying. SA, or for that matter any form of abuse, can cause a distorted view of how we perceive our physical selves. Peace, Andrew

Morning Star,

I think I understand some of what you've experienced. I am always looking in the mirror. Looking for something -- does it show? can others see it? maybe if I'm ultra vigilant, then no one will notice. or if I pay very close attention, then maybe it won't happen again.

With regard to photographs, I look at ones taken of me during that period and I feel like I don't connect in any way to the boy in the picture. I recall feeling that way even back then. As if that face, that body belongs to someone else. It couldn't be me. But it was.

Be strong.
Russ

yeah, i totally feel the same way. i have felt ugly ever since it all happend. right after all the bad stuff ended i started dressing in baggy long sleeves and pants and never washing my hair. i felt i was ugly and figured that there was nothing i could do to help that. i decided to use the fact that i thought i was ugly to my advantage by making myself look worse to keep people away from me.

anyway, i still hate the way i look...i feel the exact same way you do. it sucks.

"I WAS OBVIOUS”
Those words ring so true, I always feared that, my parents would catch me, and end my little love fest! Or someone else would come to know and join in.

I subconscious wanted to hide under my skin, and gradually gained weight, and kept on wondering, “Why can’t I loose weight? I forgot weight was not about eating; it was what kept me safe. Now that I am feeling safe again, I am gradually loosing weight on my own. I am no longer carrying all that burden.

O how much I feared stepping out of home knowing that I would be watched, they would spot me, and that ‘I am obvious’. I still have that fear and unless I feel completely safe, I don’t mix with people or maintain a non committal stance. It is still hard to make emotional bonding, when I relate to other just as a human being.

"I look in the mirror .....but I never really look at myself."

Rich, I too look into the mirror to seemingly 'admire' myself and my clothes or my facial skin, but actually I am looking out for flaws, as you said, I seldom LOOK at myself, into my eyes. Because lets face it, I hate the one behind those eyes. And when u hate someone you cant see any good thing about them. I find it real hard to find any good quality in me, wait for others to do that for me.

Actually, I am also in such a hurry all the time, always in a rush as if I am getting late or if I dont hurry up I will ge scolded or something,even while brushing my teeth I am never relaxed, I want to complete a task before something goes wrong, and ya even while watching a movie I think,things are going too I think things will go wrong soon!.

Even while sitting here, or watching TV, I sense my body getting tense, my muscles training to be in vigilant state just like my mind does, Sometimes I just have literally remind myself to RELAX! ...I keep fearing that when I step out on the drive, boy that drives me nuts, what if I have flat tyre or get stuck in atraffic jam or something and cant make it on time, knowing well that it wont make a difference, but still not knowing and rushing myself thru it allm thru life. Hope I find time to live.

Though the other day I tried something new I looked into my eyes for a stretch, just looked straight into my eyes, no thoughts, and gradually as I began to peer into my soul, I felt some connection and felt a relaxing feeling spreading thru, that is connection I have been looking for all along.

Sometimes I just want to close my eyes, and feel myself from within, feel my heart, see what it is to be me!