Today I was at an AA meeting, and the speaker talked, among other things, about her struggle with feelings of worthlessness. I identified strongly with that, and when she was done I raised my hand to share my thoughts.
I said that I also have struggled with feeling worthless. That I remembered being a little kid and having to wake my mother up from her alcoholic stupor to put me to bed. Then one night I couldn't rouse her and decided to just put myself to bed from then on. I explained that little kids that aren't being cared for don't say to themselves "This is all my asshole drunken parents fault" Little kids say to themselves "I must be worthless or they would take care of me" And when kids are sexually abused they don't say to themselves "This is all that pervert's fault", they say "This is my fault, I must be worthless". And then that thought is reinforced a thousand ways. Then I spoke about how the 12 steps have helped me to start to overcome those feelings of worthlessness. I felt That I had shared something very personal, profound and deep.
After the meeting I went out to my car and glanced in the mirror. I had had a huge booger hanging out of my nose the whole freaking meeting. Yeah, thats me, the deep, profound perveyor of worthiness, but I can't keep my own snot off my face. Fuck me! (Yes I can see the humor in it, but really?)
"But now old friends are acting strange,
they shake their heads, they say I've changed.
Something's lost but something's gained in living every day
....it's life's illusions I recall, I really don't know life at all. "Joni Mitchell