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#42925 - 05/04/05 08:06 PM Popped the bubble. - REALLY strong Triggers-
RangerJ19 Offline
Member

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 42
Loc: North Woods
Do any of you guys go through times when you 'turn off' inside? I went through that yesterday. I don't know what kicked it off, but I didn't feel anything almost all day. I just, walked around my apartment, letting myself get distracted by whatever was next.

I'm starting to realize that when I do this, I'm avoiding something huge.

Then I was flipping through this site, being distracted by the next thing, and I ran across an excellent, and completely, completely unexpected article:

http://www.malesurvivor.org/Prevention%20&%20Education/Articles/ingraham.htm

I finished reading it, and I literally just curled up on my living room floor and cried. I'd be ok for about 5 min, and then back to crying again!

But they were happy tears. See, I've gotten used to walking around and knowing that if people knew BOTH sides of my battles, my battles with CSA as well as with SA, they'd hate me, shoot me, linch me, beat me, whatever. I don't think I make it through 24 hours without hearing someone saying how I should burn in hell forever, be hung, or shot, or in prison for life.

And then here is someone who was hurt, sticking up for ME! Someone who hated me saying my life has some value, that just destroying me isn't the right answer.

It was after that that I stopped being afraid to post here. And I'm so glad that I did!!! I'm learning that I'm not alone. I'm not the only one who feels like a scared little boy walking around doing his best impression of a man. I'm not the only one who struggles with fantasies about abuse, who is afraid to touch, but really really wants to find a way to touch, who has loved ones who are trying their best, who has friends who don't understand that it's NOT them...

It's just so freaking wonderful to be here. It's so freaking amazing to find someplace where I can show the boy and not have to pretend to be the man I'm not. It's...

Dang. I'm crying again!

I'm sorry if this post doesn't belong here, but I didn't know where else to put it! Guys, therapists, dirctors, whatever.

Thank God for you guys!!!

_________________________
Life is worth living.
'Cause of legal issues and the fact i'm still trying to get better, I don't PM or chat w/ minors.

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#42926 - 05/04/05 09:35 PM Re: Popped the bubble. - REALLY strong Triggers-
ForeverFighting Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/09/05
Posts: 1058
Loc: New Mexico, USA
I'm glad you found this site, too. You're a good guy fighting a terrible thing. You are in a tough place. Contrary to the things I've said about my perps, I don't think you "should burn in hell forever, be hung, or shot, or in prison for life." You're trying. I admire that very much. You're the example of what can go right.

PM me anytime. I really appreciate what you're trying to do. I'm glad you could feel some caring. You deserve a good life.

_________________________
ForeverFighting

"This search for the truth--it's not for the faint of heart."--Goren on 'Law & Order: CI'
"The former things will not be called to mind, neither will they come up into the heart."--Isaiah 65:17

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#42927 - 05/05/05 03:51 AM Re: Popped the bubble. - REALLY strong Triggers-
RangerJ19 Offline
Member

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 42
Loc: North Woods
Thanks, FF.

And don't worry about anything said here. That's the one place I don't care.
I mean, this is the place where everyone should be able to speak their minds, and I don't want people to edit themselves because i'm here.
- triggers-
Heck, I think of myself as the "Miserable F-ing B-ard who betrayed my best friend." It was a few months before I stopped thinking about carving myself to death because that was what I deserved. So how can I hold it against anyone who knows what they're talking about!?!

Plus I think everyone needs a place to be able to vent. And I really don't want to take that away from anyone just by being here!

The things that get to me are the people who don't know any survivors (that they know of) or any perps. It seems like those guys are the ones who form the lynch mobs.

and thanks again! I'm SO glad I found this place!!!

_________________________
Life is worth living.
'Cause of legal issues and the fact i'm still trying to get better, I don't PM or chat w/ minors.

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