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#429268 - 03/27/13 05:52 AM .
Life's A Dream Offline


Registered: 08/25/11
Posts: 886
Loc: Bouvet Island
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Edited by Life's A Dream (04/20/13 08:25 PM)

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#429269 - 03/27/13 06:16 AM Re: *TRIGGERS* Is childhood anal rape always painful? [Re: Life's A Dream]
peroperic2009 Offline
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MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/11
Posts: 3609
Loc: South-East Europe
hey LAD,
it is really sensitive topic. I guess that other option is more realistic that you are mentioned.
I have to add that how you are talking it seems to me that you are experiencing body memories. We can store memories not only in our minds as vivid pictures and scenes from past but also as sensations in our muscles and specific parts of our bodies.
It is difficult to put those in some overall and logic picture.

Pain is just one dimension of destructive happening such is abuse.
Other aspects like lost trust, insecurity, fear and shock are very important and could add greatly to causes for losing memory.

Pero
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#429271 - 03/27/13 06:43 AM . [Re: peroperic2009]
Life's A Dream Offline


Registered: 08/25/11
Posts: 886
Loc: Bouvet Island
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Edited by Life's A Dream (04/21/13 11:06 PM)

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#429273 - 03/27/13 09:20 AM Re: *TRIGGERS* Is childhood anal rape always painful? [Re: Life's A Dream]
Still Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6429
Loc: 2.5 NATO Nations
*****TRIGGER WARNINGS*****


For me, rectal spasms were a constant surprise visitor. . . and they would stop me in my tracks. In fact, all I have to do is think of "that," and I get a spasm response. But rectal spasms (huge pain) would hit me all throughout my teens, 20s and 30s. Really bad!

Abdominal spasm too (back then) but they did not follow me beyond 14 yo.

The pain of the actual invasion would cause me to pass-out or maybe leave the scene in my head, but i can still remember it clearly. it was not until those freakin demons realized the use of lotion, Mazzola Oil or spit helped THEM, but it still left me with that mind-blowing initial invasion pain...so bad I could not breathe or hear.

To this day, flashbacks cause my ears to ring and go deaf, my upper back muscles to totally spas-out and contort my neck and 20% of the time, piss myself.

Back before I disclosed, flashbacks were causing my respiration to shut off. i mean NO air ventilating my lungs. i had to pass-out in order to breathe again. My children were witness to it for years, and still remember those "attacks."

It went on for seven years. By about age 9, I figured-out how to "let it happen" without the initial category-5 anal pain wave. Yeah...by 9, I was pretty freakin expert at it.

You NAMBLA freaks reading this???????
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#429276 - 03/27/13 09:55 AM Re: *TRIGGERS* Is childhood anal rape always painful? [Re: Life's A Dream]
KMCINVA Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/31/11
Posts: 1653
Very sensitive but important topic. I remember the acts but the emotions and pain were buried until the memories were triggered--slowly the emotions of what had happened would take over and the pain of what was became real. I always remembered being above looking down as the child was being touched, raped and everything else that happened.

I could better handle when I did not feel the emotions and pain, but I gather part of the healing journey is to process these emotions and pain. After six years the emotions and pain still keep coming--how much more and how long will I have to process until I can accept the child was me and his emotions and pain are mine? I know it was me, but his emotional attachment to the abuser is what I cannot process or accept.

Yes the pain is real, I doubt there was no pain because we were so young when these violent acts occurred, our bodies so small. The thought and feeling of the pain sends me into nightmares or flashbacks and I notice my body tightens.

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#429292 - 03/27/13 11:36 AM Re: *TRIGGERS* Is childhood anal rape always painful? [Re: KMCINVA]
Chase Eric Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/25/10
Posts: 1350
I am not really sure where this is supposed to go but I sense a more fundamental issue about pleasure vs pain. I would argue that neither defines us or our abuse. So maybe you enjoyed it? Well, pigeons enjoy drinking antifreeze, too. It's only later that the pleasure of the moment yields to its own inherent toxicity.
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#429314 - 03/27/13 04:40 PM Re: *TRIGGERS* Is childhood anal rape always painful? [Re: Life's A Dream]
Shyshark Offline


Registered: 10/30/12
Posts: 412
Loc: Canada
Hi LAD

This is a particularly sensitive issue,
one that is difficult for me to discuss in private ...
and certainly not in an open forum.
So I will simply answer the question.

Yes.
It is very possible to 'gently' rape a small child.
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#429317 - 03/27/13 05:27 PM Re: *TRIGGERS* Is childhood anal rape always painful? [Re: Life's A Dream]
bodyguard8367 Offline
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MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/16/12
Posts: 1159
Loc: ""
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Edited by bodyguard8367 (02/26/14 09:52 PM)

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#429324 - 03/27/13 08:07 PM . [Re: Life's A Dream]
Life's A Dream Offline


Registered: 08/25/11
Posts: 886
Loc: Bouvet Island
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Edited by Life's A Dream (04/21/13 11:06 PM)

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#429327 - 03/27/13 08:39 PM Re: *TRIGGERS* Is childhood anal rape always painful? [Re: Life's A Dream]
traveler Online   confused
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3401
Loc: somewhere in Africa
LAD - IMHO, it seems more likely that it was so traumatic that your memory has blocked it - that is a very possible/probable CAUSE of your dissociative amnesia.
Lee
_________________________
As my life goes on I believe somehow something's changed
Something deep inside...
I've been searchin so long to find an answer
Now I know my life has meaning
Now I see myself as I am, feeling very free...
When my tears have come to an end I will understand
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#429343 - 03/28/13 12:09 AM . [Re: traveler]
Life's A Dream Offline


Registered: 08/25/11
Posts: 886
Loc: Bouvet Island
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Edited by Life's A Dream (04/21/13 11:07 PM)

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#429344 - 03/28/13 12:14 AM Re: *TRIGGERS* Is childhood anal rape always painful? [Re: Life's A Dream]
bodyguard8367 Offline
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Registered: 05/16/12
Posts: 1159
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Edited by bodyguard8367 (02/26/14 09:52 PM)

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#429346 - 03/28/13 12:36 AM Re: *TRIGGERS* Is childhood anal rape always painful? [Re: bodyguard8367]
pufferfish Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/08
Posts: 6867
Loc: USA
I'm still stumbling around this question. I can't remember that kind of pain when I was abused as a very young boy. Is this because it didn't happen, or have I blocked the memory of the pain with a special type of amnesia?

Puffer

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#429421 - 03/28/13 10:42 PM Re: *TRIGGERS* Is childhood anal rape always painful? [Re: pufferfish]
txb Offline


Registered: 02/03/13
Posts: 196
Originally Posted By: pufferfish
I'm still stumbling around this question. I can't remember that kind of pain when I was abused as a very young boy. Is this because it didn't happen, or have I blocked the memory of the pain with a special type of amnesia?

Puffer


I read something about this just recently. It said that if something really horrible happens where you think you are going to die your brain releases some kind of opiate so that death hurts less and something about how people who had been in serious accidents don't really remember much about it. I wish I could remember where I read it, it was really interesting.

That's what I think happened to me the first time. I just felt nothing. Kinda like having stitches, you donít feel the needle going in to your skin but you are sort of aware of a tugging sensation. It was pretty much like that. Just like everything was numb, all I could feel was pressure. I knew after that something felt pretty wrong with me but it wasnít till I woke up the next morning that I felt pain. Pretty much everywhere. I donít think people who rape children care if they hurt them or not. If they did then they wouldnít be doing it in the first place.

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#429423 - 03/28/13 10:53 PM Re: *TRIGGERS* Is childhood anal rape always painful? [Re: Life's A Dream]
traveler Online   confused
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3401
Loc: somewhere in Africa
yeah - people ask, "if something that bad happened to you, how could you ever forget it?" the answer to me seems to be that you couldn't survive if you didn't distance yourself from it, forget it, bury it. the absence of memory is almost like a proof of how bad it was. i know that can become crazy - trying to prove something by the fact that there is no evidence - but in cases where there is reason to believe something happened - the lack of memory does not prove that nothing happened, either.

lee
_________________________
As my life goes on I believe somehow something's changed
Something deep inside...
I've been searchin so long to find an answer
Now I know my life has meaning
Now I see myself as I am, feeling very free...
When my tears have come to an end I will understand
What I left behind: a part of me. Chicago


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#429424 - 03/28/13 10:56 PM . [Re: txb]
Life's A Dream Offline


Registered: 08/25/11
Posts: 886
Loc: Bouvet Island
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Edited by Life's A Dream (04/21/13 11:07 PM)

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#429425 - 03/28/13 11:00 PM . [Re: traveler]
Life's A Dream Offline


Registered: 08/25/11
Posts: 886
Loc: Bouvet Island
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Edited by Life's A Dream (04/21/13 11:07 PM)

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#429476 - 03/29/13 12:51 PM Re: *TRIGGERS* Is childhood anal rape always painful? [Re: Life's A Dream]
genedebs Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/09/12
Posts: 285
Loc: MO
Well Life's, "TRIGGERS"

And all the others

I am not homosexual, but I have friends who are and who have enjoyed anal sex since their teens. So I am certain it is possible for an individual who is raping you to be kind and gentle. Remember, rape is not primarily sexual, it is an issue of power. If you experienced sexual pleasure, that is not unusual. To avoid the pain is not an indicator one way or the other of abuse and betrayal.

For some individuals it lessens their guilt by carefully avoiding hurting their prey. One of the individuals I sponsored in AA molested his children. He explained how he was careful not to hurt them but that molesting them was irrisistible.

I am aware that for me, my anal rape occurred when I was 14, and it did hurt even though some kind of lube was used ( he squeezed it on from a ketchup bottle). But, there was little that I would suggest was gentle in my rapes and sexual abuse. Certainly he did not perform the anal rape in any way that resulted in any sexual pleasure on my part. When he orally molested me I had the pleasure from the orgasms and ejaculations. But, when he made me orally stimulate him, or fucked my mouth, he took no responsibility for my pleasure, and I certainly knew no better.

Power, control, manipulation, humiliation, are all aspects of childhood sexual abuse. When this leads to sexual pleasure or not, does not change the acts.

There are some experiences which are more difficult to understand since they do not directly involve sex. For example my mother had me undress for her friend the photographer to take pictures when I was 12. This action by my mother to generate pornography of her son is incest. but their was nothing sexual about it. My mother did not embarrass me until she told the photographer to cut down the pictures so I wouldn't be embarrassed when I got older.

Knowing what the mechanics were did not in anyway make me more aware of the effect. I may also have never known the difference between the experience of the event and the experience of the emotional reaction to the event. I am only now beginning to experience the emotions which I denied when I was younger.

We have different stories but we all are the same.

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#429477 - 03/29/13 01:02 PM Re: *TRIGGERS* Is childhood anal rape always painful? [Re: genedebs]
pufferfish Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/08
Posts: 6867
Loc: USA
Surely not for small children, such as age 4 or 5. You can't stick a baseball bat through a thimble without severe damage.

Puffer



Edited by pufferfish (03/29/13 01:52 PM)

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#429509 - 03/29/13 09:06 PM . [Re: pufferfish]
Life's A Dream Offline


Registered: 08/25/11
Posts: 886
Loc: Bouvet Island
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Edited by Life's A Dream (04/21/13 11:09 PM)

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#429535 - 03/30/13 12:47 AM Re: *TRIGGERS* Is childhood anal rape always painful? [Re: Life's A Dream]
pufferfish Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/08
Posts: 6867
Loc: USA
Originally Posted By: Life's A Dream
Originally Posted By: traveler
LAD - IMHO, it seems more likely that it was so traumatic that your memory has blocked it - that is a very possible/probable CAUSE of your dissociative amnesia.
Lee


Would kind of make sense, because having anal sex now, I very often feel severe panic like I'm going to die, and I have it even if I'm past the point of any physical pain down there.


Well, yes, and I'm still worried about it. I'm hoping my new T can help straighten it all out. But that's the kind of pain and trauma that causes dissociative disorder in little kids. The emotional panic alone can cause dissociation.

Puffer

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