Hello guys. I joined MS months ago but I wasn't really active, I am sorry!
Right after joining the website and introducing
myself I decided to tell my family about what happened to me but they didn't seem to be shocked, they even didn't try to pretend to be sad. even my older sister who was always my favorite in this family tried to blame me instead of that pig. it made me feel like they all knew about it even during the abuse. well it was really disappointing and it led me to a complete isolation for a few weeks/months.
Then when I got back I was just a reader and didn't post here at all.
Last night when I had trouble sleeping I got on the MSchatroom and one of our friends here(concerned_husky -sorry If i misspell your name mate) helped me a great deal and I felt like I should start posting again.
This time I want to be more honest with myself and you. altho I am so emotionally attracted to women and I can't think of having a relationship with other men, I can't get the orgasm during sex. I tried so hard, even tried to do it with professional prostitutes but it didn't work because I was ashamed and I feared my sex partners won't like it(which would always happen in the end when they saw no load coming out of me). it seems only MBing while being alone and watching porn can get me an orgasm. this led me to fear of having real relationship with women.
One year ago I met a beautiful, smart and very kind American girl via internet(in an online game) I wasn't planing for it but after starting to talk about sex for a few weeks and feeling emotionally close to each other we started doing things(cybering,having sexphone via skype/googletalk). she was so hot and she could keep doing it for an hour or two but even there I couldn't get the orgasm because I wanted to please her and it required to be totally conscious, thinking about the ways to make her feel good then telling her in a language other than my own. I was excited during the whole process but I couldn't get that excited to finish what I've started. so I would just count down the minutes and after 30 mins or so I would make a load noise telling I came and It felt great, then asking her if she wants more and then starting things over until she completely feels the satisfaction and shake on her legs.
knowing about the doomed future of that relationship and knowing the fact that I was in love with her made me so grumpy. she finally got tired of my grumpiness and I happily ended things with her because I didn't want her to get hurt anymore. I would lie if I say I couldn't be able to meet her someday but I was afraid of what would happen if she discovers my impotence.
I'm afraid of my future and I fear that I will remain a MBing porn watching sucker. my question is:
Is there anyway to get out of this mess?
Thanks for reading this and sorry for wasting your time. any comment or advice would be much appreciated