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#429264 - 03/27/13 04:53 AM Coming back - got a question about impotence
Kas Offline


Registered: 08/06/12
Posts: 15
Hello guys. I joined MS months ago but I wasn't really active, I am sorry!

Right after joining the website and introducing myself I decided to tell my family about what happened to me but they didn't seem to be shocked, they even didn't try to pretend to be sad. even my older sister who was always my favorite in this family tried to blame me instead of that pig. it made me feel like they all knew about it even during the abuse. well it was really disappointing and it led me to a complete isolation for a few weeks/months.

Then when I got back I was just a reader and didn't post here at all.
Last night when I had trouble sleeping I got on the MSchatroom and one of our friends here(concerned_husky -sorry If i misspell your name mate) helped me a great deal and I felt like I should start posting again.

This time I want to be more honest with myself and you. altho I am so emotionally attracted to women and I can't think of having a relationship with other men, I can't get the orgasm during sex. I tried so hard, even tried to do it with professional prostitutes but it didn't work because I was ashamed and I feared my sex partners won't like it(which would always happen in the end when they saw no load coming out of me). it seems only MBing while being alone and watching porn can get me an orgasm. this led me to fear of having real relationship with women.

One year ago I met a beautiful, smart and very kind American girl via internet(in an online game) I wasn't planing for it but after starting to talk about sex for a few weeks and feeling emotionally close to each other we started doing things(cybering,having sexphone via skype/googletalk). she was so hot and she could keep doing it for an hour or two but even there I couldn't get the orgasm because I wanted to please her and it required to be totally conscious, thinking about the ways to make her feel good then telling her in a language other than my own. I was excited during the whole process but I couldn't get that excited to finish what I've started. so I would just count down the minutes and after 30 mins or so I would make a load noise telling I came and It felt great, then asking her if she wants more and then starting things over until she completely feels the satisfaction and shake on her legs.
knowing about the doomed future of that relationship and knowing the fact that I was in love with her made me so grumpy. she finally got tired of my grumpiness and I happily ended things with her because I didn't want her to get hurt anymore. I would lie if I say I couldn't be able to meet her someday but I was afraid of what would happen if she discovers my impotence.

I'm afraid of my future and I fear that I will remain a MBing porn watching sucker. my question is:
Is there anyway to get out of this mess? confused

Thanks for reading this and sorry for wasting your time. any comment or advice would be much appreciated smile

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#429288 - 03/27/13 10:44 AM Re: Coming back - got a question about impotence [Re: Kas]
peroperic2009 Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/11
Posts: 3618
Loc: South-East Europe
Hello Kas,
it is good to see you after some time wink
I'm sorry to hear that your family wasn't supportive toward you: please look how to protect yourself further and to avoid being additionally hurt. It is more than enough already not to get support and compassion by own family after reveling own hurtful story frown
It is good that you came back and decided to brake isolation. You are not alone!

Not sure that I have some advice about very sensitive matter and your problem but I've read that many times survivors have similar problems related to intimacy. I've read somewhere here that could be connected with letting control as consequence of abuse and that could be many times source of such problems.
Please try to work on own confidence and search further for answers.
Two additional notes:
I'm not sure if you have problems with erection (that is called impotence) or just have problems with delayed ejaculation or lack of it? In any case be aware that there are solution for such problems and please be kind toward self and don't be afraid to look further for answers.

Also when we do MB (I'm also there) it is sort of harmless, safe and controlled sexual situation and that could be reason why is easier to do it (we felt safe) rather to look for similar experience with other person...

Be well my friend!

Pero
_________________________
My story

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#429289 - 03/27/13 11:08 AM Re: Coming back - got a question about impotence [Re: Kas]
Kas Offline


Registered: 08/06/12
Posts: 15
Hey Pero,

It's good to see you too buddy!

Well yes, looking back to what I wrote and checking the correct meanings I guess I wasn't clear. I don't have any problem with erection, the problem is the lack of ejaculation in any form of sex other than MB.
I'm not sure about others, I just compared myself with people around me(a few friends I had from high school and after that), they seemed to be satisfied in maximum 30 minutes but I never could feel the ejaculation when I was with someone.

I'm willing to look for the answer and that's exactly why I started to open up here. even If I can't get my answer here it's a good practice for me to talking about those things with someone else.

Take care my friend and Thanks for your feedback!

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#429355 - 03/28/13 02:22 AM Re: Coming back - got a question about impotence [Re: Kas]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3493
Loc: somewhere in Africa
Kas - it is possible that you are programming yourself to a certain type of experience by the habitual MBing - becoming accustomed to a certain sensation - speed, rhythm, degree of friction and pressure, angle of movement, whatever - that is not duplicated by intercorse with another person. it may be that you are also conditioning yourself to respond to the visual stimulation of the p0rn - and that the "real" thing doesn't give the same thrill.

my T talks a lot about re-wiring and how changes take time to become effective - forming new pathways for neurons or whatever - but the point is that it takes time and repetition to do it. he suggested taking it slowly and gently and not putting on the pressure to perform but leaving it open-ended - mutually agreeing that it was OK to do only foreplay at the beginning and whenever the anxiety level got too high and not expecting the big climax every time. granted, that takes a patient and understanding partner. don't know if that is helpful or possible for you. it worked for us.

Lee
_________________________
As my life goes on I believe somehow something's changed
Something deep inside...
I've been searchin so long to find an answer
Now I know my life has meaning
Now I see myself as I am, feeling very free...
When my tears have come to an end I will understand
What I left behind: a part of me. Chicago


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#429395 - 03/28/13 03:57 PM Re: Coming back - got a question about impotence [Re: Kas]
Kas Offline


Registered: 08/06/12
Posts: 15
Hi Traveler,

Yes I think I do so much pressure when I do it and the fact that it only works in one same position proves I got used to the way I do it. I will try to change things.

Thank you so much for your advice Traveler!

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