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#429219 - 03/26/13 07:49 PM I'm finding my little brother triggering.
si Offline


Registered: 08/11/12
Posts: 42
Loc: Utah
My little brother is getting closer and closer to the age I was at when everything happened (4 1/2). It is triggering me and bringing up weird memories. When I pick him up and teach him how to ride his bike and all the activities we do, I can't believe how truly young I was. It is triggering me immensely when i'm around him. It makes me want to cry. It is hard to be around him, but then that isn't fair to him, it would be letting my abuse affect him. I want to follow him everywhere he goes but then again, I have to let him live his life.

I feel so guilty when I find him triggering. I imagine myself getting abused then look at him and picture it happening to him too, it freaks me out. I can't believe that when I had his mentality, I was dealing with grown up things. I think i'm seeing myself through him, and this is causing me to imagine him being in my situation when I was his age. It isn't fair to him, and it makes me want to throw up.

It puts the abuse in perspective when i'm looking at him. I re-enacted porn magazines my cousin had, so I was doing some hardcore stuff like the professionals did. When I imagine him doing it, it makes me want to lock him up in a vault so no one gets to him. Its so hard to imagine myself doing all the things I started doing at that age, with that mentality. I don't want to get into detail of all the crazy positions and stuff I did, but I can't believe a 4 year old started doing those things until 2nd grade.

I know some people have kids here, and i'm not sure if you guys found them triggering like I find my little brother, but I need advice on how to cope when i'm visiting him. Otherwise I'll be uncomfortable around him and that won't be fair to him.

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#429220 - 03/26/13 08:34 PM Re: I'm finding my little brother triggering. [Re: si]
Edward Wong Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/25/11
Posts: 40
I'm this is happening to you. Sometimes I get triggered by kids. Just know that by spending time with him, your protecting him from seeking attention from someone with a ulterior motive.

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#429222 - 03/26/13 08:49 PM Re: I'm finding my little brother triggering. [Re: si]
nltsaved Offline


Registered: 08/26/08
Posts: 827
Loc: Kc,Mo
The best advice I could give you is to just simply enjoy his innocence. Enjoy the fact that he has an older brother that can protect him Enjoy the fact that he is a 4 1/2 year-old innocent little boy who has his whole life ahead of him .Without abuse and revel in the fact that you can have a hand in helping this process. Be the brother you always wanted this is a wonderful opportunity for you to be glad and happy for him.

I had to literally take a step back when I began having the same issues with my own children. I could not even give them a bath but now it is not a problem because I take great pride in knowing that nothing is going to happen to them they are completely safe. Especially with a vigilant parents such as myself which was very lacking. I had a counseling session with my pastor's wife and she explained to me that a bath is a great moment in a child's life It's very fun for a child and do not turn it into a bad experience for them .
After I took a step back and realized and faced my fears I can My four-year-old to take a shower with me and he only lets me wash his hair. Because he has a great trust that I will not get soap in his eyes he will not let his mother go nowhere near his hair And I realized he wants to do everything daddy does I had to re think and retrain my mind for I was scared to death and insisted my wife be in the bathroom when I went face these fears.
Now I am able to see that this is a very fun time for a child and there's nothing to be scared of In fact now that I have faced my fear it is very enjoyable to see my four year old so happy just being a four-year-old.

Moral to the story is just enjoy being a round a four And a half year old that gets to be a 4 1/2 year-old Without all of the chaos and madness.

Enjoy his innocence And enjoy the fact that he has a big brother who loves and cares for him and his well being

Sorry typing on my phone
Good luck

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#429226 - 03/26/13 09:23 PM Re: I'm finding my little brother triggering. [Re: si]
ThisMan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/22/13
Posts: 758
Loc: upper south
Enjoy his innocence and embrace being the good big brother that you are. When you are with him, you'll know he is safe. And don't worry about the tears when the memories are triggered. Gosh, man, I cry almost everyday myself right now. Almost everything triggers me. But, it was actually very calming and healing to watch my boys grow up full of innocence and laughter. And I look back and find I am very thankful I could share positively in their childhood. There were times when I privately went to pieces over small things that triggered but I know that I was there for them. And as time passes, you will find some healing by spending time with your little brother.
_________________________
For now we see through a glass, darkly.



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#429230 - 03/26/13 09:39 PM Re: I'm finding my little brother triggering. [Re: nltsaved]
Chase Eric Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/25/10
Posts: 1211
NtL...

Your words have to be one of the most beautiful things I've read here at MS. They describe a father learning how to express his love for his kids the best way he knows how. I've always thought that the joy and innocence of learning love belonged to children. You've just taught me it belongs to dads as well. Thanks so much for sharing that.
_________________________



Click my pic to see why I'm here

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#429232 - 03/26/13 09:59 PM Re: I'm finding my little brother triggering. [Re: si]
traveler Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3210
Loc: back in the USA
oh, yes, si! i know what you mean.

and with a history like mine being around a boy of almost any age will do it!

for me it wasn't my brothers that triggered me - because the CSA was happening while i lived with them and they were exempt from abuse - i was the oldest of 4 boys.

but later - when i got married i was panic-stricken at the thought of having kids. once they were born, it wasn't as bad, except for the occasional flash - but while they were young, i hadn't really connected all the dots, so i didn't have specific memories to trigger - more a vague sense of unease or pressing anxiety.

more recently, when the memories have become more clear, detailed and specific, the triggers from being around kids has gotten worse. i am a teacher and work at a K-12 school so there are lots of trigger opportunities! but now that i know what it is all about, it has started to subside again. usually now it is a very identifiable situation or detail that triggers - seeing how a boy and dad relate or a situation that seems familiar or an instance of peer bullying...

my approach is to try to focus on the other person - in your case your brother - and try to make sure he gets the best possible experience - see if you can enter into and participate in his happiness or enjoyment - see the world through his eyes - and let your own anxieties be displaced (rather than focusing on your feelings and trying to overcome them.)

it takes some practice - but it has worked for me.
Lee
_________________________
We are often troubled, but not crushed;
sometimes in doubt, but never in despair;
there are many enemies, but we are never without a friend;
and though badly hurt at times, we are not destroyed.
- Paul, II Cor 4:8-9

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#429242 - 03/26/13 11:21 PM Re: I'm finding my little brother triggering. [Re: si]
si Offline


Registered: 08/11/12
Posts: 42
Loc: Utah
Thank you so much guys. My head wasn't in the right place I suppose. I'll spend time with him tomorrow and celebrate his innocence and know that he is safe because i'm in his life and he'll avoid the abuse as long as i'm alive.

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#429243 - 03/26/13 11:33 PM Re: I'm finding my little brother triggering. [Re: si]
pufferfish Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/08
Posts: 6719
Loc: USA
This reminds me of the situation I was in when my amnesia broke. I had suppressed the memories of my childhood abuse. Then when my daughters got to the age where their friends (boys) were about the age at which I was abused, it brought my memories to the surface. That changed everything. I became depressed and started having a lot of flashbacks and some other reactions*.

Puffer

* Panic attacks



Edited by pufferfish (03/28/13 12:21 AM)

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#429246 - 03/27/13 12:07 AM Re: I'm finding my little brother triggering. [Re: si]
cant_remember Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/05
Posts: 997
OK,

Here's how I think about this:

For many of us, we have a dissociated version of ourselves from the age of our abuse still inside of us. So that when we encounter a boy the same age we were at the time of our abuse, our abuse-age alter feels connected to the real boy, hence the trigger.

Sometimes, we want to connect with the boy as a same-age peer, even though we're grown men and he's a kid.

Other times, like you point out Si, all we can see is the abuse enacted upon him and feel protective and triggered by that.

The key here, in my journey, is to focus on being co-present with your younger self. When your younger part is triggered by the kid, try to see yourself how the kid sees you: as a grown-up, not as a peer. This will help you recognize and understand that you're a man, and that your abuse is in your past and not in the present.

Or something.

Cant
_________________________
Recovery is possible. Hang in there, brothers.

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#429347 - 03/28/13 12:44 AM Re: I'm finding my little brother triggering. [Re: cant_remember]
pufferfish Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/08
Posts: 6719
Loc: USA
Also...

We've discussed in another thread how the word "triggering" means different things to different people. To those of us who have amnesic dissociation, it has a different level of meaning. To those who have the dissociation disorder, we tend to see the "little brother" not as a sexual trigger but as a reminder of things that used to be. Cant discusses this in the previous post.

http://www.malesurvivor.org/board/ubbthr...9137#Post429137

I find another meaning in myself. Since I experienced torture as a boy, it erased or diminished my ego. I have depersonalization disorder. Hence I look about trying to find myself. I learned more about this when I saw a TV documentary on slavery. The slave who had been badly treated would lose his sense of dignity. His ego was diminished or crushed. He would look to the free boy and wish he could be as he was.

I even saw this reinacted in the movie: Prince and the Pauper. The pauper looked toward the prince as he passed in his lavish pavilion and wished he could be as the prince.

In these examples, there isn't a hint of sexual attraction. It's on a whole different level.

Puffer





Edited by pufferfish (03/28/13 12:54 AM)

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