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#429245 - 03/26/13 11:59 PM Detach with love Detach with love
Brokenwife Offline


Registered: 02/22/13
Posts: 25
Saying it over and over to myself! Ugh! He Came home drunk and late! So much want to ask him questions. Soooooo is not the right time. Need to go in the other room and just get away......meanwhile the anxiety is just piling up!!!!! HELP!

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#429248 - 03/27/13 12:38 AM Re: Detach with love Detach with love [Re: Brokenwife]
Brokenwife Offline


Registered: 02/22/13
Posts: 25
I did it! I walked away. I am in my room with the door shut and he is "passed out" on the couch now. No fighting, no drilling him with questions. Then why am I in my room crying? This is so unbearable and lonely. I never know what I'm going to find when he walks through that door at night. Will he be drunk? Was he drinking with her? He says he doesn't see her anymore, that it was easy to end it with her. He doesn't love her and not seeing her anymore is the easy part in all of this. I have no trust left and it just hurts so bad. I do not wish to be in the pain that he is in, but it must be kind of nice to be able to just come home and within 15 minutes be knocked out asleep on the couch. Meanwhile, I am all ramped up, anxiety flying and will not be able to sleep for hours. This is hell. Why can't he just open up?????? Let go of all the secrets/lying/and fronts!!!!!!! How long do you carry this? and Why????? It has to be exhausting. No wonder he always falls asleep so quickly, drunk or not.....even though he doesn't stay asleep. I know his demons wake him up. smirk

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#429262 - 03/27/13 04:44 AM Re: Detach with love Detach with love [Re: Brokenwife]
mike13 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/02/11
Posts: 419
Loc: California USA
Hi Broken my name is Mike and I have been a survivor for over 35 years. I hope I can give some tips and support. First rule in being a survivors wife is you must make sure and take care of yourself. There is no way you can be a good support if you are all beaten down inside so please get some help for your anxiety. I know it is tearing you up inside. I am lucky I never started drinking because of my family history but I do self medicate with porn and it has been an endless battle. Please prepare yourself for that. Your husband faces a very long and uphill battle with a ton of set backs. Before he can even start this journey He must have the will to try it. You can't do it for him. Please take some time to get healthy and then take a long hard look at the road ahead. We have many partners in your same shoes and you will hear from them soon so please just worry about yourself for now and we can all help you one step at a time Mike

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#429267 - 03/27/13 05:46 AM Re: Detach with love Detach with love [Re: Brokenwife]
Lancer Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/13/12
Posts: 901
Loc: Florida
Hello Broken --

Like Mike, I, too, am a male survivor. And among the various parts of my background are alcoholic parents, only one of whom - my dad - found recovery. In the course of his recovery, he encouraged me to get involved in Al-Anon meetings.

Therefore, in the same spirit I'm encouraging you to try some of their meetings:
http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/home

Quite honestly, "detaching with love" is a nice sentiment but if you don't have the support of others, you'll likely only be bottling up your anger, sadness and worry. Eventually it will come out, perhaps explosively. You've already indicated you're upset, can't sleep, anxiety is piling up, etc. I don't know your children's ages but, for their sakes and because they may be at an age where they're reliant on you, you need to do whatever you can to take care of yourself and them. They are your priority.

Also, in the spirit of what Mike said, this is one step you can take TODAY to take care of yourself.

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#429272 - 03/27/13 08:35 AM Re: Detach with love Detach with love [Re: Brokenwife]
Esposa Offline
F&F Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/19/11
Posts: 726
Loc: NJ
Broken:

Today, make a list. Make two. Make one that is what your life is going to look like - the life you want to have. What will be in it? What won't? What behaviors are not allowed in this life you are defining. My list was like "time for me every day, supportive, positive relationships, no lying, no emotional abuse, etc."

And then make another list of what makes you feel loved. 20 things - they can be trivial or crazy - who cares? It's your list. When I did this exercise, it included things like "Public recognition of my work" or "Text messages" etc.

When you have these two lists, go about creating them. The first one is important because the excluded behaviors, get excluded. They are not allowed in. They don't happen in your space. This is how you start to learn boundaries and how you start to learn to enforce them. And there will be complaints from those around you that you are being MEAN or RIGID and INFLEXIBLE - all a sign that you are doing a good job.

For example, you can't be drunk in our home. I had to create that boundary - and I did it for my sanity and for my children. And I heard threats, complaints, bullying - but eventually, it stopped. I found peace and he started relying on the boundary. It ended up being good for everyone. Did I hear initially "I'll find someone else who will let me drink??" Yes. Did it scare me? Yes. Did I consider waivering? YES. I didn't though and it felt really good afterward.

And the love list is important too - because as you create the boundaries, you need to be able to identify the people who are making you feel loved.

When we start this journey, we feel out of control and that anxiety destroys our peace. MAKE YOUR SPACE TODAY. Inside that space is love and kindness and patience - WITH YOURSELF. Be kind to you in there. Let in the people who respect your boundaries and make you feel loved.

He needs boundaries, even though he doesn't know it. Detaching in love doesn't mean ABANDONMENT. It means staying your course, and setting your limits. THIS IS WHAT IS OKAY AND THIS IS WHAT IS NOT OKAY IN MY LIFE.

Feel free to PM me if it would be helpful. I have stood exactly where you stand today.

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#430352 - 04/06/13 02:19 PM Re: Detach with love Detach with love [Re: Brokenwife]
Brokenwife Offline


Registered: 02/22/13
Posts: 25
Thank you so much for your advice, everyone. I have been to counseling twice now. We are working on mapping out some boundaries this week. I also like your love list, esposa. My therapist is very familiar with CSA and has even headed up some programs for it. He suggested that I tell my husband, "I know you are not ready for therapy, I know you are scared, but do it for me." I am confused about that since I've read in books and on here that, he has to be ready and willing. Any thoughts? I haven't acted on my therapists advice yet.

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#430368 - 04/06/13 06:58 PM Re: Detach with love Detach with love [Re: Brokenwife]
Candu Offline


Registered: 06/30/12
Posts: 312
Loc: Canada
Quote:
"I know you are not ready for therapy, I know you are scared, but do it for me."

You are right that he has to want to do it. But what if he is close? This might be enough to make him do it. But if he is not then what does it matter if he doesn't go. You are no worse off. I don't know about him but I sometimes need a little push.

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#430383 - 04/06/13 10:46 PM Re: Detach with love Detach with love [Re: Brokenwife]
Esposa Offline
F&F Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/19/11
Posts: 726
Loc: NJ
Brokenwife - my therapist has a couple of lines that she makes me use (carrot instead of stick lines I think!) - "Thank you for helping me stay in this marriage. Thank you for helping me work on this marriage. Thank you for making it possible for me to keep my commitment to you." That's what I say when he does the work, when he makes progress. Instead of DO THIS FOR ME, I flip it slightly and tell him how grateful I am for the work that he is doing and how I feel like I can stay when he's working to make a safe place for both of us.

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#430406 - 04/07/13 08:06 AM Re: Detach with love Detach with love [Re: Brokenwife]
pittsburgh Offline


Registered: 05/26/11
Posts: 89
Loc: west Chester, Pa
My girl friend at the time found me close to death. She's now my wife. The way she put is was " do you want to feel better, do you want this monkey off your back" See a "T" for yourself and us. It worked for me. I was sick and tired of being sick and tired. I wish you the best in your journey
_________________________
it is and has been quite a trip thru life, as last I feel that I am in a better place, it takes work and in my case a wife the was and is forgiveing and helpful. At last a relationship has gone right, messed up three.

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#430413 - 04/07/13 10:14 AM Re: Detach with love Detach with love [Re: Brokenwife]
SamV Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/13/09
Posts: 5947
Loc: Talladega, Alabama, USA
_________________________
MaleSurvivor Moderator Emeritus 2012 - 2014

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