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#429207 - 03/26/13 04:27 PM Good relationship with your abuser??
Farmer Boy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/23/12
Posts: 442
Loc: Australia
Did anyone ever have a good relationship with one of their abusers after the fact (particularly incest).

I was abused by my brothers when I was young and one brother in particular I had a close relationship with (non sexual) from 13-33. It is called denial. Since the CSA stuff came up I have really distanced myself from him and we have not ever really talked about what happened when we we young. I do not believe that he ever meant me any harm by what he did. But harm me it did.

He and his family are coming to stay with me over Easter. crazy

He seems to really miss me.

I am so confused.

Is it possible to have a healthy relationship with someone who abused you?

Lee
_________________________
More than meets the eye!

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#429212 - 03/26/13 05:58 PM Re: Good relationship with your abuser?? [Re: Farmer Boy]
Country Offline


Registered: 02/29/12
Posts: 642
Loc: Alabama
I haven't had any talks with either if my abusers. One was my uncle. Wish I had some words for u bro. I will def be praying for u during this time.
_________________________
Ephesians 6:13

Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand.

Ephesians 5:25

Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her

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#429217 - 03/26/13 06:38 PM Re: Good relationship with your abuser?? [Re: Farmer Boy]
Farmer Boy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/23/12
Posts: 442
Loc: Australia
Thanks Country

Some more info .....
He knows I spoke to our half brother and probably assumes it was about the abuse.... there is kind of an opening to discuss that further.

Ok my confusion....Trigger warning!!!!

We were both abused by our older brother.

When I was 5 or 6 he and his friend MBed in front of me and showed me how to do the same. They both tried to penetrate me anally but stopped when I said it hurt. I was aware of their sexual relationship. He would MB in front of me up until I was about 9. Throughout the years there was lots of sexual talk and pornography. And talks about sex (gay and straight) with him and his 'friends'. He encouraged me to have a sexual relationship with another boy when I was 10 - which I did.

But there was good 'normal' brother stuff. We were very protective of each other. He was bullied alot (for doing 'gay' stuff and being a 'dork') and even though I was 4.5 years younger I stood up for him. When I was sick at an athletics carnival in year 3 he took care of me and got in trouble in the process. We worked on cars together. We talked about girls and he taught me everything he wished someone had told him about sex with girls. We were in a car accident when he was driving and he was so worried that he had hurt me. He has always been very competitive with me and trying to out do me (like all brothers I expect). He is a survivor too and has horrible depression and anxiety. He has no real friends and has a very low self esteem. He does put me down a lot and judge me - but I have always known that was just to make himself feel better. I can deal with that (mostly). When we were both married with kids we became quite close and hung out a lot. Our wives were friends. Our kids played together.

I really do want my brother back. But is that just a pipe dream??

I don't know if I can put this back in it's box.

Lee

Add: Just to clarify - I was 5 when they tried to sodomise me and they were both 10 and had starting to develop. It hurt because they had partially penetrated me. They stopped because I cried and they were not complete monsters. We were not close in age (4.5 years). All the sexual stuff happened before I reached puberty and my brother has never seen my developed thing. It was NEVER what could be described as 'equal' experimantation. My brother taught me that I lived in a world where boys had sex with other boys. That was what boys did.


Edited by Farmer Boy (03/27/13 08:02 AM)
Edit Reason: clarify
_________________________
More than meets the eye!

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#429237 - 03/26/13 10:44 PM Re: Good relationship with your abuser?? [Re: Farmer Boy]
SoccerStar Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/15/12
Posts: 915
Loc: New York
Lee,

It's so hard to know - you're in such a tough dilemma - precisely because your oldest brother's behavior contaminated your relationship with your middle brother.

To some degree, it is normal for brothers to see each other naked, including erections. To some degree, it is normal for brothers who are each old enough to masturbate to discuss that behavior, pornography, etc. To some degree, it is normal for boys of close age to "experiment" with one another and since your brother had already been doing that with one of his own friends, then it wouldn't be out of bounds for him to recommend to you the same with one of yours. The second darkest part of the story is when he tried to penetrate you - but even then, you say that when you complained, he stopped. A key characteristic of abuse is that it is unavoidable - that one participant drives it regardless of what the other wants. It might have been the dark side of experimentation, gone too far, but then stopped. Maybe.

But really, the darkest part of all of this is the fact that you straight-up identify him as your abuser. That emotion, that recognition, is ultimately all that counts. At least some of what the two of you had might not have been abusive - but enough damage had already been done that it all falls within the same boundaries. Like - if one brother was fond of abusive tickling (an under-recognized form of physical abuse - relentlessly tickling the victim until they can't breathe and lose control of bladder function) and the other just plain old tickled you like a good brother.... they'd probably both feel equally bad.

Your own judgment is ultimately what matters - if it felt like abuse, if it was unwanted at the time and/or had unwanted effects afterwards, that's that. However, you also describe feeling real affection and conflict towards him, and you miss the closeness you had for many years after all of these behaviors were over.

Honestly.... given the fact that you both see him as your "hero" and miss the non-sexual, adult-aged interactions you used to have, while at the same time from his perspective he might not have perceived any of this as anything beyond normal brotherly showing-off / experimenting / boasting, *and* the fact that you say he kind of teases you and puts you down often.... I honestly think you have to prepare yourself for being very vulnerable around him. Like, if you try to address the matter at all he might completely minimize it or be put in shock, having no idea what you are talking about.

The best case scenario: Middle brother is in a "serious" mindset. You say something honest but undetailed: "I've been trying really hard to work through the memories of what happened when we were all kids. Mostly with older brother but to a lesser extent with you too. Some of it really damaged me, and the rest, I'm not sure what to think of. I'd like it if we could talk about it." And he talks about it seriously, comprehending your needs.... maybe saying he feels the same from older brother. You can kind of uneasily start to rebuild the close, adult-aged friendship that you used to have.

Worst case scenario: You bring it up to your brother. He angrily denies any guilt, calls you a sissy for still caring about shit from decades ago, and makes it the basis of some life-comparison putdowns that you've described. Now... since you say he really seems to miss you, I think A is more likely than B.

But.... be ready.

And if you feel uncomfortable, BAIL OUT. And if that means excluding him from your life, then EXCLUDE HIM. You're being very gracious by even attempting friendly interactions with someone whom you define as an abuser, you've bent over backwards to make one excuse after another for him - "he was a confused kid who didn't understand what he was doing." I said above that some of what he was doing fits the description of "normal," but I wasn't there - it didn't happen to me - and I don't feel what you felt. If it feels wrong to be around him, then.... don't.

I hope that made some sense. It really is a tough situation and you've got to plan it out thoughtfully in advance - you've worked so hard and don't deserve any setbacks from a family member who might not understand now, for the sake of the *memory* of a family member with whom you had a different sort of relationship when you were at a different place in your life, under a different emotional state.


Matt
_________________________
My story

"Don't think it hasn't been a little slice of heaven just because it hasn't!" --Bugs Bunny

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#429240 - 03/26/13 10:55 PM Re: Good relationship with your abuser?? [Re: Farmer Boy]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3319
Loc: back in the USA
Lee - i think most of what Matt said is excellent - seems to cover it - from where i stand. i have nothing to add.

Matt - you should hang out a shingle and make a living of this - you're better than some of the professionals.

lee


Edited by traveler (03/27/13 01:04 AM)
_________________________
We are often troubled, but not crushed;
sometimes in doubt, but never in despair;
there are many enemies, but we are never without a friend;
and though badly hurt at times, we are not destroyed.
- Paul, II Cor 4:8-9

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#429260 - 03/27/13 04:06 AM Re: Good relationship with your abuser?? [Re: Farmer Boy]
peroperic2009 Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/11
Posts: 3600
Loc: South-East Europe
Hey Lee,
you post very good and important question. I see that you have had good relationship with your brother after abuse stopped and that gives me thinking that you two have a lot of things in common and there is base for good relationship.
I guess that in the most cases denial as you mentioned is on and we are not so keen to talk about it nor to share such shameful history, it is not pleasant, it was hurtful and it was wrong.
In my case I divided similar experience in two separated parts. One is me dealing with my own past and thinking relating to abuse and sexual matters in childhood. Other part that was also very important is about me and my bro doing some stuff together.
I needed to integrate and accept both parts to feel better and not like broken person.
It is for me easier to do it when dealing only with my own feelings and experiences somehow but dealing with another adult person who could feel same shame and guilt is somehow more difficult and I needed more time to break that isolation.

We were kids that were introduced to sexual matters way to early, that colored our world and has driven us in unwanted direction. Because of that it was easy to lost self and got confused. Many years passed before we were ready to openly talk about it and restore our relationship in full. We were always good toward each other but we never discussed things that have bothered us actually. My bro went to therapy (although not specifically related to CSA) much earlier than me and that helped also.
Even we never talked about our mutual sexual activities we cared a lot for each other. I must add that my brother thought the worst about himself as he introduced some "games" and felt responsible for my later confusion and other problems. I knew that we were kids and we didn't know better. So it helped us both when we talked about it.

So my advice for you is to take your time to be able to process in full your relationship with brother.
It is not pipe dream to have good relationship with your brother. He was protective toward you and by so he gave you reason to have warm and positive feelings for him, that was more than real.

Wait more, work on your healing (talk with your T about you and your brother) and you'll see what will come up.
Good opportunity for honest talk will show when you'll be ready and I'm sure that you both could feel a lot better after such talk.


Pero
_________________________
My story

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#429261 - 03/27/13 04:09 AM . [Re: Farmer Boy]
Life's A Dream Offline


Registered: 08/25/11
Posts: 886
Loc: Bouvet Island
.


Edited by Life's A Dream (04/21/13 11:05 PM)

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#429275 - 03/27/13 09:48 AM Re: Good relationship with your abuser?? [Re: Farmer Boy]
focusedbody Online   content


Registered: 02/03/13
Posts: 319
Loc: NY
Hey, FB.

When I see or talk to my brother, the hardest thing is to keep hold of myself. Because of the experiences I had with him, I feel like go out of my body just to talk to him.

That being said, I love seeing him. We had a lot of fun together as kids, even though I was oblivious to the darkness that I shut out, with his unconscious help. I guess that's what you mean by denial. I remember how in my late twenties my awareness started to grow. That was when I started to witness his strange physical presence with me. He would quickly put his hand between my legs and then walk away. He would cover his face if the conversation got too close to something. It wasn't until years later when he finally told me of his abuse that I started to connect the dots.

I guess what I'm saying is a sibling relationship can go through many different small changes, even while it endures. In the past two years, my brother has threatened twice to never talk to me again. Each time this happened, I didn't so much "back off" or "give him space" as much as slowly approach him again. I would listen to his rules for interaction and honor them, while also taking care of myself. This gave me a place to work from.

Overall, this has helped me get more and more information of the emotional kind. The more I observed him, the more I could put together the whole picture. For instance, whenever I encounter him in a situation where he is acting "sexy" and "flirtatious" with others (usually a family member), I stay away until I know I am safer, which contributes to my feeling empowered.

I hope you can find some openings for reaching out to your brother while also taking care of what you need. Just because you are confused doesn't mean you aren't brave.

Focused
_________________________
Lose the drama; life is a poem.

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#429277 - 03/27/13 10:03 AM Re: Good relationship with your abuser?? [Re: Farmer Boy]
Jude Offline


Registered: 08/09/12
Posts: 1478
Loc: New England
Hey FB,

I would at least consider making sure to get what he did out in the open, if you haven't already. There probably is no "should" in this situation. You've got to trust your gut. Hope Easter works out for you all down under. Let us know how it turns out.

Jude
_________________________
"But now old friends are acting strange,
they shake their heads, they say I've changed.
Something's lost but something's gained in living every day
....it's life's illusions I recall, I really don't know life at all. "
Joni Mitchell

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#429302 - 03/27/13 01:42 PM Re: Good relationship with your abuser?? [Re: Farmer Boy]
csasurvivor1992 Offline


Registered: 03/25/13
Posts: 132
Loc: Texas
Hey FB,

I cut out my abuser, my father, about a year ago. I've experienced some of the greatest joys and deepest pain since then. All of it necessary for my recovery and a truly healthy and honest life.

It is probably different for everyone, but not speaking with my abuser has been the healthiest thing for me.

I did experience intense sadness and remorse at the loss of what I thought was a good relationship, though. After all, the father provides security, trust, encouragement, and for a son, an example of how to live. As I cut him out, I realized he provided none of those things for me. I wouldn't have realized that with him around.

Whatever your decision, I am confident that it must be yours and as Matt says above, your own comfort is absolutely paramount. If you have to bail, bail.

I know a friend who spent all of Christmas locked in a room because another pedophile in his family was invited and came over. My friend told his mom about boundaries and how she broke them. He took care of himself and kept out of the dynamic.

Boundaries are hard, for sure. But in this case, no one is more important than you!

Best of luck brother.
_________________________
May your past be the sound of your feet upon the ground, carry on. ~Fun.

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#429315 - 03/27/13 05:12 PM Re: Good relationship with your abuser?? [Re: Farmer Boy]
bodyguard8367 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/16/12
Posts: 1159
Loc: ""
""



Edited by bodyguard8367 (02/26/14 09:52 PM)

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#429438 - 03/29/13 01:00 AM Re: Good relationship with your abuser?? [Re: Farmer Boy]
wearytraveler Offline


Registered: 01/12/13
Posts: 49
Loc: xxxx
deleted


Edited by wearytraveler (11/10/13 07:09 AM)

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#429450 - 03/29/13 09:01 AM Re: Good relationship with your abuser?? [Re: Farmer Boy]
bodyguard8367 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/16/12
Posts: 1159
Loc: ""
""


Edited by bodyguard8367 (02/26/14 09:56 PM)

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#429459 - 03/29/13 10:27 AM Re: Good relationship with your abuser?? [Re: wearytraveler]
Suwanee Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/30/12
Posts: 691
Loc: Southeast USA
Josh,

First, I think FB's thread is very important. The answer to his question will often be a definite "NO." Life is more complicated than black and white, so depending on the circumstances, it is possible a victim and perpetrator could reach a level of understanding that could facilitate a better or even "good" relationship.

You listed several criteria that you used to make your case and I really have nothing else to add---except that a common theme between you and FB seems to be the young age of the perp. I can certainly see where an older--older than 19 or 20 year old could mature and change under some circumstances. I think a lack of violent behavior is key while acknowledging that behavior of the sort we're talking about is inappropriate under any circumstances.

The age differential between you and your brother in law is similar to the one between my perp and me(13 and 19). The guy who abused me was not family and he was violent. What started out as somewhat consensual playing around(but not really given the ages) turned violent and degrading when I didn't want to do what he asked. I could never forgive what happened. I'm thankful I don't have to share the same house, street, or town with him. That would be another layer to get through---and there's enough depth to this already.

Will
_________________________
Cruel Summer
My Journal

-Signs and traces left in stone
Ruins of a past unknown-

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#429462 - 03/29/13 10:47 AM Re: Good relationship with your abuser?? [Re: Farmer Boy]
ThisMan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/22/13
Posts: 767
Loc: upper south
FB- I have zero relations with my abusers from childhood, so I can't give much advice. Hopefully it will be a good holiday for your family and you and your brother can reclaim something you have lost. I know I miss all my bros, who were not my abusers, but remained silent even though they knew- but it is what it is. If you can find the words and courage to bond with your brother again, do so. Will be thinking of you.

Josh, my teenage perp was also my bro-n-law, as I told you before. He was 15yrs older and then divorced the sis when I grad from hs. btw... when I did try to talk to him about the 4 yrs he had me, he pretended not to have a clue. Well, we won't go into me, but you are right.... set your boundaries and stand tall. Your healing is your healing. And all of us are different.
_________________________
For now we see through a glass, darkly.



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#429495 - 03/29/13 04:48 PM Re: Good relationship with your abuser?? [Re: Suwanee]
wearytraveler Offline


Registered: 01/12/13
Posts: 49
Loc: xxxx
deleted


Edited by wearytraveler (11/10/13 07:03 AM)

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#429701 - 04/01/13 07:41 AM Re: Good relationship with your abuser?? [Re: Farmer Boy]
Farmer Boy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/23/12
Posts: 442
Loc: Australia
Wow

Thanks so much everyone for your comments and sharing your experiences - both good and bad. It all helped me to be realistic about the weekend. To be honest I was a wreck leading up to the weekend and read all your posts but couldn't comment.

I was going through it all in my head .... not sleeping ... dreams about what happened ... wondering if I was overreacting to what happened and if it could have been 'normal' brotherly stuff. Feeling like it couldn't have been that bad if we were able to get close later in life .... when we were both men. My T suggested I focus on reconnecting with him as a brother first and not push any discussion about the abuse. If it came up fine but to be open to that coming later. To make this weekend about being the good brothers we once were.

Thinking about my childhood - the TRUTH is it was very messed up. We both grew up in a world were it seemed normal for boys to have sex with other boys. I have only realised about six months ago that it is not ok for boys / men to just have sex with eachother all the time. Even acting out while I was married seemed 'normal'. That is boys being boys. We were both abused by our older brother. In my brother's words he mistook 'natural male friendship/affection for something sexual'. It was what we knew. It does not make it ok. I see him as a victim in all this as well - even though what he did to me was very damaging and had lasting effects. Apart from the sexual abuse his bullying would include constantly calling me feminie and 'gay' names like sissy, poofter and faggot and that I would never be anything other than a man's sex toy. I always took on a feminie role.

I am sure amongst the 11195 users here there are quite a few that acted out after their CSA as teens with younger children. It happens and that is why some of us are here. It is not ok but I understand it and I don't think they should be condemned for life because of it. I think these confused boys can change and regret what they did. The extra guilt they must carry is huge. This does not however make the affects of what they did any less traumatic than if it had been an adult man. I have two brothers and I can draw a clear distinction between the type of perp they were.

Also the whole confusion of being groomed into non-violent sexual activity is so hard to explain. Others have a spoken about it and I will try again. It is the idea that this guy really cares about you and loves you and doing what he wants you to do is how you show you feel the same way. For some of us it was the only male love we knew. For some of us we grew to enjoy what happened and even seek it out. Even after time passes and you realise that what happened was not ok and was actually that guy using you/your body to get off...the feelings of being loved and cared for can still remain. It certainly messes with your mind. In some ways I can see that this brother included me in this sexual world as a 5-6 year old because he loved me and this was the only way he knew to show it. That is why incest can be so hard to deal with.

At some point in his mid teens he worked out it was wrong and stopped . By the time he could drive the bullying stopped (might have had something to do with me having girlfriends and him not). He started to accept me as a brother and do stuff with me. By the time I was married and we were finally at the same stage in life with kids the same age we were really close. Just the usual brotherly rivalry. One could say he grew out of it.

So.... the weekend. I was so anxious I took some Diazepam to calm me down. It was great to see my nephews again. I had a really close/encouraging relationship with them and always showed an interest in their lives. He looked old - like 10 years older not 4.5. Some of my friends commented on that. He is obviously troubled and depression and anxiety seem to run in our family (so does CSA but whatever). He has always been a 'down' sort of person. However on the weekend he did not have one negative thing to say (apart from disapproving of the beer I had at lunch and that I offered him one). He did seem happier than I had seen him in a while and his relationship with his wife seems better.

It was as if nothing had changed. Our kids played together, Our wives caught up on gossip, I taught his boys to ride quad bikes, I made them help me clean out the calf sheds, My brother and I did some cattle work on the ATVs, we went bass fishing in my creek, clay pigeon shooting, we ate lots of good food and talked about work and our aging parents future. It was a good weekend - very relaxed and natural to be in each others company.

Finally on Sunday afternoon it was raining and we were alone. We were just sitting on the verandah talking. I asked him what our older brother had said about my meeting. He said to stop playing games and if I wanted to tell him something to just say it. We talked about how our childhoods were messed up - cryptically about what our brother did to me and to him. He talked about how he overcame his problem with MBing and how he can see that came from stuff with our brother but he did not feel his depressiona and anxiety had anything to do with it. We talked about his 'friend' and I asked him if he remembered what happened when we went camping with his friend. I said that something happened between the 3 of us in the shower block then that was traumatic for me. He said he had no memory of that - but that doesn't mean it didn't happen. I left it at that and did not go into details. I figured for now it was enough to find solidarity in the abuse we both suffered and that our half brother is a convicted pedophile and the sexually charged environment we grew up in. That is more than we have ever talked about it. He is already a 'broken' man in so many ways - so what benefit would there be in bringing up the damage he caused to me. I do not want to be responsible for causing him to have a melt down. I guess I am still protecting him but that is what brothers do. He is good to me now and that is the most important thing. We may revisit his abuse of me at a later date and he might remember more.

I can accept that to him what happened between us was probably 'fooling around' and did not impact him greatly but to 5 year old me it was very traumatic. Like I said before that does not make it any less CSA.

If he starts to treat me poorly again or refuses to acknowledge the abuse I may have to cut him out of my life.

But for now I have my brother back. He did abuse me as a kid but I forgive him and I still love him (in a non-sexual way).

Lee
_________________________
More than meets the eye!

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#429702 - 04/01/13 08:10 AM Re: Good relationship with your abuser?? [Re: Farmer Boy]
Suwanee Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/30/12
Posts: 691
Loc: Southeast USA
Lee,

I'm proud of the way you handled this.

Will
_________________________
Cruel Summer
My Journal

-Signs and traces left in stone
Ruins of a past unknown-

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#429703 - 04/01/13 08:17 AM Re: Good relationship with your abuser?? [Re: Farmer Boy]
OCN Offline


Registered: 02/05/13
Posts: 217
Loc: Western Europe
very nice to read Lee! Glad the weekend turned out this way!

And thank you for this thread! I recognize so much and that is a relief. The post on normal brother stuff (showing how to MB) feels like a puzzle piece in its right place. That was what happened to me before the abuse. He asked me if i knew MB (i did, but i lied) and after that he abused me. One time only, after that it has never happened again.

But i never had a good relationship with him. A lot of fighting when we young. When he went to university, it got a lot better and after that it was pretty much ok. We didnt see eachother often, but there was an ok relation. Hoewever, now with the abuse coming to the surface its changed. I feel like im afraid of him in some way. I find it difficult. I just want to have a normal relationship, but at the same time i want to think of myself. In a way i know i love him, but there's also pain. So i want to build it up again, but perhaps its good if i explain him some of my feelings. Its so conflicting.. But this topic gives me insight in what a relationship with a brother looks like!


Edited by OCN (04/01/13 08:20 AM)
_________________________
Trust me, you are worth it to love yourself!

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#429704 - 04/01/13 08:23 AM Re: Good relationship with your abuser?? [Re: Farmer Boy]
SoccerStar Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/15/12
Posts: 915
Loc: New York
Lee,

You are an amazingly good brother, and this is one of the most moving examples of legitimate forgiveness I've ever seen. At the same time I'm just as glad that you are willing and able to "build a high fence" should that become necessary.


Matt
_________________________
My story

"Don't think it hasn't been a little slice of heaven just because it hasn't!" --Bugs Bunny

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#429707 - 04/01/13 09:00 AM Re: Good relationship with your abuser?? [Re: Farmer Boy]
DavoSwim Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/06/13
Posts: 315
Loc: Iowa, USA
Lee
I'm very happy for you that you are able to forgive your brother and as a result establish a healthy adult relationship with your brother
DavO

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#429717 - 04/01/13 10:43 AM Re: Good relationship with your abuser?? [Re: Farmer Boy]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3319
Loc: back in the USA
Farmer boy Lee -

so good to hear that the time with your brother went as well as it did. i was very concerned. sounds like one key was trying not to have expectations that were too specific. glad you were able to do that. of course the anxiety is harder to control.

it does sound like you have made some progress here. not least - the fact that you went through a very triggering situation for an extended period of time and didn't fall apart or melt down.

another great point is that he didn't deny anything - and seems to be leaving the door open to further discussion in the future - that is pretty significant - considering that you have lots of support and have been working on this for some time - and apparently he has not had that.

i respect and admire you for having such mercy on him and would hope that he recognizes this too. that might be a means of strengthening your bonds. it would be wonderful if you could support one another.

stick close to "home" and take it easy for a while, if you can. in my experience, there is sometimes a big emotional let-down that follows an intense event like this. we are here for you.

traveler lee
_________________________
We are often troubled, but not crushed;
sometimes in doubt, but never in despair;
there are many enemies, but we are never without a friend;
and though badly hurt at times, we are not destroyed.
- Paul, II Cor 4:8-9

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#429757 - 04/01/13 06:56 PM Re: Good relationship with your abuser?? [Re: Farmer Boy]
focusedbody Online   content


Registered: 02/03/13
Posts: 319
Loc: NY
Hey, Farmer Boy:

I'm glad you were able to speak to your brother.

I agree with Traveler. Take good care of yourself in the next couple of weeks.

When in doubt, breathe, and breathe again.

Focused
_________________________
Lose the drama; life is a poem.

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#429792 - 04/02/13 08:10 AM Re: Good relationship with your abuser?? [Re: Farmer Boy]
Joe44040 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/28/12
Posts: 10
Loc: Ohio
Lee,

Your growth in understanding what you have been through and your processing/being fully present to achieve the life you want and deserve is amazing. I couldn't be more proud and elated for you, my brother.

Much love,

Joe
_________________________
"As a man in his last breath
drops all that he is carrying
each breath is a little death
that can set us free."


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#429831 - 04/02/13 02:24 PM Re: Good relationship with your abuser?? [Re: Farmer Boy]
Shyshark Offline


Registered: 10/30/12
Posts: 412
Loc: Canada
Hi Lee ...

I'm so very proud of you.


Sharky
_________________________
Experience is a brutal teacher.

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#429873 - 04/02/13 08:38 PM Re: Good relationship with your abuser?? [Re: Farmer Boy]
wearytraveler Offline


Registered: 01/12/13
Posts: 49
Loc: xxxx
=deleted


Edited by wearytraveler (11/10/13 07:00 AM)

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#432707 - 04/28/13 07:31 AM Re: Good relationship with your abuser?? [Re: Farmer Boy]
Jacob S Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/01/13
Posts: 591
Thank you for sharing that, BP. That was brave.
_________________________
Like a spent gladiator
crawling in the colosseum dust
who can count on his remaining limbs
all the people he can trust.
Like the one who stands behind him
cheering him on
Estatic when he stands defiant,
wild with abandon when he's gone

just stay alive.
do whatever you need to.
you are worth it.

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