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#428782 - 03/23/13 01:55 AM Forgiveness...
WalkingSouth Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/30/05
Posts: 16264
...is a topic that has bred lots of controversy on this site over the years I've been around. I remember years ago here there was another member who had a lot of energy invested in whether I had forgiven the individuals who had abused me. He got quite insistent that I should do so to the point where frankly, I found it boundary violating.

I just read a couple of blog posts by John Shore that addresses the issue from what I thought was a refreshing point of view. Both Blog posts are an interesting read. You may or may not agree with me or with him, but I found them worth the time spent reading them. I did send him a note chiding him a bit for referring to the victims as female. We shall see if I get a response wink

Six Things to Know About Sexual Abuse and Forgiveness


Sexual Abuse and the Luck of the Draw


Edited by WalkingSouth (03/23/13 04:57 PM)
_________________________
“Life’s journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, totally worn out, shouting ‘Holy ____…! What a ride!’” ~Hunter S. Thompson

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#428813 - 03/23/13 10:27 AM Re: Forgiveness... [Re: WalkingSouth]
SamV Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/13/09
Posts: 5942
Loc: Talladega, Alabama, USA
Hm, a good topic WalkingSouth, how very brave of you. wink

When still a victim, a male survivor can feel bound by age, relationship or culture to dismiss the perp's behavior. As a survivor, therapists and those in recovery who have processed this part see the benefits of letting the shame, anger and resentment of the abuse be in the past and begin healthy, positive thought processes to live in the moment, to find hope and courage in the future. As Mike Lew defines a "victor", one who is stable in recovery, the victor embraces forgiveness as a manner of life that brings himself(or herself) relief not only in the past, but as a means of gathering support in the present and happy anticipation for the future.

This is a difficult part of recovery, thank you for bringing these articles to our little part of the web,

Sam
_________________________
MaleSurvivor Moderator Emeritus 2012 - 2014

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#428815 - 03/23/13 10:28 AM Re: Forgiveness... [Re: WalkingSouth]
ThisMan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/22/13
Posts: 767
Loc: upper south
Thanks for the link WSouth. I went to the site and read the blog on forgiveness. It's all in our control, and I like that.
_________________________
For now we see through a glass, darkly.



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#428843 - 03/23/13 05:01 PM Re: Forgiveness... [Re: WalkingSouth]
WalkingSouth Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/30/05
Posts: 16264
Brave or stupid, Sam... Brave or stupid! wink
_________________________
“Life’s journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, totally worn out, shouting ‘Holy ____…! What a ride!’” ~Hunter S. Thompson

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#428845 - 03/23/13 05:13 PM Re: Forgiveness... [Re: SamV]
KMCINVA Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/31/11
Posts: 1650
Sam thank you. I am facing this part of healing now. It is difficult for be to forgive myself, the abuser is a different story. I first must forgive myself for any complicity I perceive I had in allowing the abuse and for allowing a part of me to have special feelings for the abuser. I understand it is all part of the abusers mode of operation to psychologically manipulate my mind. But on the emotional level I am having trouble accepting. Making some progress but as you have said it is a difficult part of the healing process.

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#429169 - 03/26/13 10:43 AM Re: Forgiveness... [Re: WalkingSouth]
Country Offline


Registered: 02/29/12
Posts: 642
Loc: Alabama
I can def relate to this. Great post and topic. I haven't been here in a while and feel kinda strange posting now but I have some things that were told to me that may help. It helped me anyway. I heard my pastor say about forgiveness and it hit me right in the face. He said , " Forgiveness, if you aren't giving it then you aren't getting it". I had to forgive my abusers. It want a feeling on the inside. It was a choice. I made the choice to forgive and the feelings followed. It truly set me free from the anger and rage. I just read this scripture last night as part of my daily bible reading plan and it spoke right to me.
Luke 6:27-28 English Standard Version
But I say to you who hear, love your enemies, go good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, pray for those who ABUSE you.

Wanna talk about tough. This is a crucial step in our recovery.

Forgiveness doesn't mean reconciliation.
Forgiveness doesn't always mean forgetting
Forgiveness isn't a feeling
Forgiveness is a choice

These have all been spoken to me by my pastor. Well the whole congregation but he was speaking to me directly without knowing it. He even said I am to pray for my abusers. It took time for that but I have done it. I choose to forgive because The Lord has forgiven me of my past as stated in 2 Cor 5:17, I have been made new. Also in Luke 6:38 it says " for with the measure you use it will be measured back to you".
So my choice to forgive for tough until I related it to the forgiveness of my sins. I want grace freely from my past and I was quick to not give grace to my abusers. Thanks for the opportunity to share and I hope some of this helps.
_________________________
Ephesians 6:13

Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand.

Ephesians 5:25

Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her

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#429170 - 03/26/13 10:45 AM Re: Forgiveness... [Re: WalkingSouth]
Country Offline


Registered: 02/29/12
Posts: 642
Loc: Alabama
My therapist also said at one point " have you forgiven yourself". She was asking me this about having an affair in my wife. I said no, of course. She said so why aren't you allowed to have The Lord's grace? It really hit home
_________________________
Ephesians 6:13

Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand.

Ephesians 5:25

Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her

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#429185 - 03/26/13 01:17 PM Re: Forgiveness... [Re: WalkingSouth]
Jim1961 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/10/09
Posts: 1128
Loc: Pa, but likely traveling...
For me, no one tells me what forgiveness is about better than Matthew West:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h1Lu5udXEZI
_________________________
Loneliness is a power that we possess to give or take away forever. -Yes, Starship Trooper

My Story

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#429188 - 03/26/13 01:38 PM Re: Forgiveness... [Re: WalkingSouth]
KMCINVA Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/31/11
Posts: 1650
I saw a Joan Baez quote on Facebook:

As we know,
Forgiveness of oneself
Is the Hardest of All Forgivenesses

I think this is so true, I struggle with forgiving myself for what happened and why it continued with my silence. I also struggle with forgiving myself to what may have happened in lost time and fugues--this is hard because I may never truly know what happened.

I think this is the first step in forgiving, forgiving myself for the abuse--once I can then I believe the healing will be much easier.

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