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#429146 - 03/26/13 07:05 AM Bad Night
Suwanee Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/30/12
Posts: 759
Loc: Southeast USA
If nothing else, I've usually been able to sleep at night.

Not last night.

For the first time in a long, long time I dreamed about "it."
I woke up at 2am---heart pounding, out of breath and terrified. Sleep was impossible afterward.

Everything else crept into my mind:

Was the howling wind going to put the huge oak tree on our house?
Work.
The Labrador pacing the living room floor, making the floor creak at that one spot.
Will my son's baseball practice be cancelled?
My wife's car needs tires ALREADY.
Should I wake her up to talk---or should I let her sleep?
Am I still being abused by this guy? I'm still having nightmares about it. I'm still talking about it...
You get the idea.

Will
_________________________
Cruel Summer
My Journal

-Signs and traces left in stone
Ruins of a past unknown-

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#429147 - 03/26/13 07:30 AM Re: Bad Night [Re: Suwanee]
Farmer Boy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/23/12
Posts: 442
Loc: Australia
Will

I am sorry about last night. That really sucks.

You have talked about tackling the fear aspect of the abuse and it sounds like you have awoken that monster afresh. Last night was you coming face to face with that fear. I think these types of dreams are inevitable when you finally allow yourself to accept the fear you experienced as a child.

You have pushed these feelings down for 25 years and now they need your attention. Now is the time to deal with them.

I know this doesn't make it any easier but you are not alone in this. Many of us have had these night terrors. Some more than others. It may be an isolated occurance or it may happen again.

However, I have confidence that you will overcome this like everything else in your recovery so far.

Lee
_________________________
More than meets the eye!

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#429148 - 03/26/13 07:51 AM Re: Bad Night [Re: Suwanee]
cant_remember Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/05
Posts: 1046
Will,

I don't have anything to say, other than I'm awake too and I'm your brother.

I'm sorry you had a bad night.

Cant
_________________________
Recovery is possible. Hang in there, brothers.

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#429149 - 03/26/13 07:54 AM Re: Bad Night [Re: Suwanee]
Chase Eric Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/25/10
Posts: 1493
You are not alone, but I think you know that. Still, maybe it helps to hear it again from friends. You are definitely not alone, Will.

Every now and then I also dream about "it", although not always in a pure playback but interwoven with other stuff my mind vacuums up during the day. I still haven't figured out the formula of what the mind decides to throw at us while we are asleep. I still wonder if there is an ulterior purpose to our subconscious thoughts - some cosmic wisdom to it all.
_________________________
Eirik




Click my pic to see why I'm here

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#429150 - 03/26/13 07:57 AM Re: Bad Night [Re: Suwanee]
SoccerStar Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/15/12
Posts: 918
Loc: New York
"Am I still being abused by this guy?"

No. But ablating burned skin or correctively re-breaking a badly broken arm are likewise incredibly painful, however necessary for progress they may be.

((((((Will)))))
_________________________
My story

"Don't think it hasn't been a little slice of Heaven just because it hasn't!" --Bugs Bunny

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#429152 - 03/26/13 08:14 AM Re: Bad Night [Re: Suwanee]
crazy gecko Offline


Registered: 10/04/12
Posts: 309
Will,

I so sorry... I was there a while back, I know how draining it is. I think Farmer Boy said it best - I completely agree with his assessment, and it also mirrors my experience. When you decide to face the emotions you have been burying all these years, they will inevitably make their presence known.

Thinking of you...
_________________________
I guess what I'm trying to say
Is whose life is it anyway because livin'
Living is the best revenge
You can play
-- Def Leppard

My Story, Part 2

My blog

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#429155 - 03/26/13 08:38 AM Re: Bad Night [Re: Suwanee]
KMCINVA Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/31/11
Posts: 1792
Will

I am sorry. Like Lee said you need to face the past and unfortunately nightmares and flashbacks come with the territory. It is great you wrote about it, getting the emotions and fear out. It takes time, you had a period of respite from the memories but somehow they find their way back. It is important you face, talk here, support groups, therapy or wherever you feel safe. These are unprocessed emotions that you buried, like most of us here did.

Stay strong and heal well.

Kevin

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#429160 - 03/26/13 09:24 AM Re: Bad Night [Re: Suwanee]
Suwanee Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/30/12
Posts: 759
Loc: Southeast USA
Thanks guys. It's always nice to have your support.

Will
_________________________
Cruel Summer
My Journal

-Signs and traces left in stone
Ruins of a past unknown-

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#429186 - 03/26/13 01:19 PM Re: Bad Night [Re: Suwanee]
DRA Offline


Registered: 02/07/13
Posts: 47
Will,

I'm sorry to hear that you had such a rough night. There's a yoga posture, child's pose, that can be very helpful if you're trying to calm down and recenter yourself. Here's a picture of it:

http://us.123rf.com/400wm/400/400/logos/...t--balasana.jpg

I've found it amazingly helpful and have used it to help bread panic attacks.

I know that you'll come out of this on the other side.

-DRA
_________________________
Strength in power is a false victory rooted in vapid grandiosity. Strength in character and integrity is the freedom to act righteously irrespective of the surrounding pressure. True power is the presence of mind to live with character and integrity.

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#429187 - 03/26/13 01:27 PM Re: Bad Night [Re: Suwanee]
SoccerStar Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/15/12
Posts: 918
Loc: New York
^I found the Child's Pose GIVES me panic attacks. I recently was forced into some crackbrained "corporate retreat" featuring mandatory staff yoga and they were all like having that be your default position and everyone sees you like that....

It made me feel alarmingly vulnerable and embarrassed and, well, like I was presenting myself to get fucked. The name of the "position" is especially unfortunate.


Matt
_________________________
My story

"Don't think it hasn't been a little slice of Heaven just because it hasn't!" --Bugs Bunny

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#429206 - 03/26/13 04:24 PM Re: Bad Night [Re: SoccerStar]
Suwanee Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/30/12
Posts: 759
Loc: Southeast USA
Matt,

I'm admittedly not yoga savvy, so I googled it.

Yeah...I see what you mean.

Will
_________________________
Cruel Summer
My Journal

-Signs and traces left in stone
Ruins of a past unknown-

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#429209 - 03/26/13 04:40 PM Re: Bad Night [Re: Suwanee]
Zug Offline


Registered: 02/18/13
Posts: 56
Loc: Progress
Will, it is scary just reading your post. Ive been there, very recently. I dont think its over. I have a hard time handling it, scares me; the fact that I 'forgot' and the actual events. Walking through the fire... Im right there with you.
_________________________
"what matters most is how well you walk through the fire"
-Charles Bukowski


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