Any other dissociative amnesiacs on here? Any other dissociative amnesiacs on here feel like they're not as triggered, or prone to triggers as continuous rememberers? I see a lot of people on here saying they were triggered by the Sandusky coverage and so forth, and I honestly can't relate. I'm hardly triggered by anything. In fact, I feel so emotionally dead inside most the time nothing phases me (not to say I don't assent that it's evil and wrong).
I THINK I have triggers, but maybe I don't understand the term "trigger" correctly. Don't you have to have flashbacks for something to qualify as triggering you? Well, I don't. Makes me feel like a fake, like I don't belong here. I feel stoic most the time, and/or deeply grieved, sick in my guts, and like I'm mourning the death of someone (the latter a lot lately- especially right now).
But some of the stuff I hear people say they find triggering, I feel completely desensitized to. And I hate that. Could this be unique to dissociative amnesiacs? Emotional numbing in lieu of triggerability? Oh well, I don't know, I go to see a hypnotherapist on friday and maybe I'll finally open Pandora's box and know what it's like to really know. There's nothing anyone can say to make me change my mind on recovering my memories. I don't care if it hurts. I just want to FUCKING FEEL SOMETHING FOR ONCE GODDAMNIT!!
I'm glad to hear you say these things. Not for the obvious reasons. When I first came to MS I had to ask what was meant by triggering. I think those of us who are "dissociative amnesiacs" feel it in a different way. Yes I responded differently to a number of subjects that appear in MS> I had trouble understanding that, but your post helps a lot.
I described to the T who recommended EMDR to me that I felt things as though they were behind a veil. As though I was watching a pantomime through a veil.
He was right. I needed EMDR. But afterward I still had a lot of loose memory tags.... things I couldn't quite remember.
I also think we experience the "inner child" differently. When my huge amnesic barrier lifted as I remembered the terrible abuse that happened when I was 12, it dawned on me that I WAS the child. The child remembered the abuse in detail, with the feelings, the voices, the faces, the surroundings. The child was highly traumatized. I was also the adult who had called forth that miserable child. Then I had to figure out how to live with him in the same body. No wonder people had sometimes treated me as a child.
As far as the desensitization part is concerned, it might be more than one thing going on. When I was pretty young I thought I had lost my sense of smell. I was even concerned that maybe nerves had been cut when I had my adenoids out. I even told some boys that when I was about 13. But I've regained this ability to smell, even if fairly recently. Now I can enjoy the scents of Spring. Somehow our brain can turn down the sensitivity to various sensory functions. I also lost the ability to perceive people. I think my perception of music is increasing.