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#428656 - 03/22/13 12:59 AM tired and sad
Brokenwife Offline


Registered: 02/22/13
Posts: 25
I am new here. I've been reading posts for awhile. I'm not sure if this is the place to post. I love my husband unconditionally and forever. He is my best friend and soulmate. I have been with him for 28 years. We have 4 children together. I found out a year and half ago that he had his second affair. (That I know of) I don't know what to believe anymore. His first one was when we first got married and money and EVERYTHING was very stressful. We went to couples therapy and he spent the next 10 years being open and accountable for his actions. He told me the affair was just an escape. Fast Forward to October 2010. My normally sensitive sweet husband started being mean to me. Never physical, but drinking a ton. (He's always partied), but we are talking coming home plastered not being where he said he was going to be etc. After a year of this I went to Al anon. I tried to focus on me and not him. But I knew he had demons. A month later I found out he had been having an affair. He said it had nothing to do with me at all. She was easy and didn't want anything from him. It came out shortly after that he was abused as a little boy. At 5, 7 and 9. Slowly more and more details have come out, but he is scared to go to therapy. He feels like what if it doesn't work? Then what? He had an appt to go in December and sabbotaged it. I have seen this man cry about 5 times in 28 years and he was sobbing on Christmas eve. He says all this acknowledging of his abuse makes him feel like he is giving the abusers power. I told him he is a survivor, they have no power over him. He just isn't healed yet. I am in tremendous pain. I feel like I am in limbo. I still can't understand how my best friend could do this to me and how it has nothing to do with me? I don't trust him. I am tired of thinking about him all the time. I am tired of obsessing over the bar whore who he had his affair with( I'm soooooo angry) I am mourning what happened to my husband as a helpless little boy. I am tired of waiting on him to get help. I feel hopeless. I like to read. I have read Allies in Healing and Radical Forgiveness. Is there anything else good to read? I am starting therapy next week for myself. I just feel so sad and like someone has literally sucked all the joy out of me. Help?

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#428666 - 03/22/13 05:04 AM Re: tired and sad [Re: Brokenwife]
Rosemary Offline


Registered: 02/06/13
Posts: 31
Loc: Johannesburg, South Africa
Brokenwife,

I know where you are coming from, we will be married 28 years in September and we have two adult daughters.

Firstly,let me reassure you that it IS possible for him to heal. My husband started his healing journey just over 10 years ago. The bad times before and during this time don't seem so bad anymore because my husband has become a thriver and our lives have never been so good. Thankfully my husband did not cheat on me and rather eased the pain by becoming a workaholic. I am also a survivor of CSA, and my husband is now supporting me through my journey. Although my abuse is nowhere near what he endured it has added another bump the road.

Secondly, it would be a good idea for your husband to register on this site and read some of the stories. Let him take it slowly though some of the accounts of abuse are very triggering. He also needs to go to therapy, my husband's journey started after he went to therapy as part of an issue with our eldest daughter. Perhaps he would be more comfortable going with you to a few sessions until he feels more at ease.

Thirdly, look after yourself. I am glad that you are starting therapy. It is importamt that you give him support but that you do not neglect yourself.

If you or your husband would like to know more about my husband's journey please go to the sites listed below. I am so proud of him today, he has just addressed 300 3rd year med students on male rape. It was the first time he has done this and he was so well received.

Don't let your husband give up, it is possible to overcome his trauma, it will take some time though.
_________________________
Rosemary

Partner Support
South African Male Survivors Of Sexual Abuse
Web page www.samsosa.org

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#428667 - 03/22/13 05:10 AM Re: tired and sad [Re: Brokenwife]
Rosemary Offline


Registered: 02/06/13
Posts: 31
Loc: Johannesburg, South Africa
Brokenwife,

Sorry the other site (my husband climbed Kilimanjaro in support of sexually abused male) is: kilimalesurvivor.wordpress.com/

It is very motivating and well worth reading.
_________________________
Rosemary

Partner Support
South African Male Survivors Of Sexual Abuse
Web page www.samsosa.org

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#428668 - 03/22/13 05:12 AM Re: tired and sad [Re: Brokenwife]
mike13 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/02/11
Posts: 419
Loc: California USA
Dear Broken Thank you for still trying to love your husband. I am afraid I am not so lucky. I was abused from 5-14. Not all of the abuse is covered in my writing here. Unfortunely this is just too much for my wife and I am afraid we maybe heading for splitsville. Somewhere the man you feel in love with is still alive but he is on life support. You are so wise to get help for yourself. You need to be strong to help him. If he ever wants to talk with someone here who will not judge him, I am willing to help. We need to get him into therapy but I know just how scared he is right now. I have been here for over two years and I finally started therapy three months ago and it was the best move I ever made. We have uncovered a ton of ugly stuff and it has been painful but I am so glad it is finally out. Now I just have to try and rebuild my marriage if that is possible. Please feel free to ask any questions you might have.
Good Luck Mike

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#428683 - 03/22/13 09:40 AM Re: tired and sad [Re: Brokenwife]
pittsburgh Offline


Registered: 05/26/11
Posts: 84
Loc: west Chester, Pa
Hi: I am so sorry to read you story. I am very glad to hear of you starting with a T, I strongly suggest to find a T who is a PHD and has worked with male surviors. They will have a better insight of what you are dealing with. You must take care of yourself to handle what you are faceing. From my experiance most if not all male surviors "act out" in some manner. Our abuse can not and should not be used as an excuse. My jouney took over three years, once I was working with a T. I was also helped by the fact that my wife is a survior, at some point perhaps you can ask him to go to the T to help the two of of you work thru this jouney. It is worth it, there is a better place. It takes a willingness and effort. I wish you the best.
_________________________
it is and has been quite a trip thru life, as last I feel that I am in a better place, it takes work and in my case a wife the was and is forgiveing and helpful. At last a relationship has gone right, messed up three.

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#428687 - 03/22/13 10:36 AM Re: tired and sad [Re: Brokenwife]
KMCINVA Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/31/11
Posts: 1433
I am sorry to read your story. I admire your commitment to him. As a survivor I am not as fortunate to have a wife stand with me like you, but I have been seeking help--therapy, support groups, and supporting friends. It helps to lift the darkness and the shame-it is not an easy road and I too struggle with healing. I am fighting to regain my life. I know who I am but like most victims we have a side that grew from the abuse, not from love or nurturing, and it is this side of me I struggle to accept and love. It is this side that has led me to darker days. Your husband can do it, and with your support it will aid in his journey. Have him read some posts, have him talk to someone, may a joint session would help. He may be silent but he may hear something that evokes a need to heal. He may be scared--I was--because I knew what happened and feared admitting would overwhelm me. I would be lying if I said it did not at times--yesterday for example was a dark day, a bit brighter today. Take care of yourself and maybe if your husband has a trusting friend or mentor he could help. Best wishes to both of you.

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#428933 - 03/24/13 02:39 PM Re: tired and sad [Re: Brokenwife]
Brokenwife Offline


Registered: 02/22/13
Posts: 25
Thank you, all! It is nice to hear this is just a chapter and not the whole story, as I believe his abuse and horrible choices are a piece of him, but not all of him. These days it is just harder and harder to see the man I married. He speaks of being in a very dark place. It is all just so confusing. Do I leave for my pride and to say that I wouldn't allow that to keep happening to me? Although, what would I gain? Pride, but not be with the person I love? Or do I wait this out in the hopes he will eventually get help? even then, that is no guarantee that there won't be relapses? I am just soooooo tired. It's been hell for about 2.5 years........

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#428952 - 03/24/13 04:34 PM Re: tired and sad [Re: Brokenwife]
mike13 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/02/11
Posts: 419
Loc: California USA
Broken any chance of him coming online here? I really want to talk to him and help him. Mike

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#429114 - 03/25/13 08:56 PM Re: tired and sad [Re: Brokenwife]
Brokenwife Offline


Registered: 02/22/13
Posts: 25
He is soooooo private. I am the only person he has told. He has kept this a secret for almost 40 years:/ I will ask him, though.

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#429126 - 03/25/13 10:23 PM Re: tired and sad [Re: Brokenwife]
mike13 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/02/11
Posts: 419
Loc: California USA
Please tell him I suffered in Silence for over 35 years and life has been so much better since

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