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#428836 - 03/23/13 02:53 PM My Dissociation symptoms
cant_remember Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/05
Posts: 1045

I'm about to start low-dose naltrexone EMDR (as many of you know), and my T asked me to generate a list of symptoms of my DID to use as a baseline to determine our effectiveness going forward.

So I thought I would post my list here, and invite others to comment or add their own. Here's my list:

* Anxiety

* Inability to form or maintain a relationship. I identify as straight but have sex with old men. Unable to form relationships with either women or older men.

* Eroticizing my perp's physical characteristics (sexual anatomy, hair color, style of dress)

* Recreating the abuse

* Losing time

* Feeling a physical force inside my body that contains my negative emotions (perhaps all of my emotions), which can overwhelm me, cause me to cry uncontrollably, and can control my body to a limited degree, but I can't speak or move my hands when he is in control. I call him Izzy.

* Feeling detached from my emotions; unable to regulate emotions when they are felt; described by others as "emotionally sensitive."

* Not comfortable in my own body. Feeling like I am a boy trapped inside a man suit.

* Dissociated from my digestion system. Didn't have regular BM's until I became a coffee drinker in my 20s. Still have trouble remembering last BM or last meal, even when I try to recall it.

* Daily marijuana use to regulate anxiety and prevent nightmares.

* Financial problems. Feeling triggered and dissociated from financial matters. Possible that perp gave me money and so money is an unconscious trigger.

* Feeling that death is the only escape from the pain.

Welp. That's all I can think of.

Cant
_________________________
Recovery is possible. Hang in there, brothers.

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#428908 - 03/24/13 11:59 AM Re: My Dissociation symptoms [Re: cant_remember]
SamV Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/13/09
Posts: 5945
Loc: Talladega, Alabama, USA
My best to you Cant as you keep reaching for healing relief. What I can do is empathize with this list.

Quote:
* Anxiety
Well, heck yeah.
* Inability to form or maintain a relationship. I identify as straight but have sex with old men. Unable to form relationships with either women or older men.It was a boundary issue with me as well. I made women goddess and men were evil monsters, almost all of 'em.

* Eroticizing my perp's physical characteristics (sexual anatomy, hair color, style of dress)Uh huh, similar here, but one of my perp's was a minor, I could not sexualize that age group, but definitely size, color and manner. Between you and I, Asian women were a fetish for me.

* Recreating the abuseAlthough I am married, certain sexual acts would arouse me better, or indeed at times at all. Those acts were feelings at first, through discovery I realized their origin.

* Losing timeIn almost every situation, secular, family, academically, recreation I have felt a disconnection. I felt uncomfortable, even disembodied, I became aware again of the situation I had been in moments or minutes later.

* Feeling a physical force inside my body that contains my negative emotions (perhaps all of my emotions), which can overwhelm me, cause me to cry uncontrollably, and can control my body to a limited degree, but I can't speak or move my hands when he is in control. I call him Izzy.My negative pool was so deep, I could not find my "good Izzy". I either felt shame, worthless, angry or substandard. I remember waking up and could not speak or move, that was terrifying.

* Feeling detached from my emotions; unable to regulate emotions when they are felt; described by others as "emotionally sensitive."Creating healthy boundaries to others I felt compassion for, I could become destroyed with them or victorious with them, not a good feeling. When they were away, so was I.

* Not comfortable in my own body. Feeling like I am a boy trapped inside a man suit. Like a boy deprived, being treated unfairly, no one paying any attention, let's not even talk about learning a trade or a process for employment or parenting, argh! The other side was I could watch cartoons and play, but I was 35! I still like cartoons btw.

* Dissociated from my digestion system. Didn't have regular BM's until I became a coffee drinker in my 20s. Still have trouble remembering last BM or last meal, even when I try to recall it.Uh huh, thank goodness for coffee!Embarrassing moments when I would have to bring a change of clothes, yep, clothes.

* Daily marijuana use to regulate anxiety and prevent nightmares.Binge drinking and sex.

* Financial problems. Feeling triggered and dissociated from financial matters. Possible that perp gave me money and so money is an unconscious trigger. I used money to try and control relationships, giving away thousands, very unsound investments.

* Feeling that death is the only escape from the pain.Mine was not death, but the absolute conviction that if I worked harder, was funnier, paid more I would have more support around me. What I needed was a positive, healthy me around me, and that is what my efforts in recovery paid off.


Thanks for this Cant, keep reaching for the good and pleasant. I will be painful, but there are marked rewards and progress.

Sam
_________________________
MaleSurvivor Moderator Emeritus 2012 - 2014

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#428921 - 03/24/13 01:20 PM . [Re: cant_remember]
Life's A Dream Offline


Registered: 08/25/11
Posts: 886
Loc: Bouvet Island
.


Edited by Life's A Dream (04/21/13 11:03 PM)

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#428925 - 03/24/13 01:42 PM Re: My Dissociation symptoms [Re: cant_remember]
cant_remember Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/05
Posts: 1045
Thanks, Sam.

This is the first time I've put myself down as a bullet-point list of symptoms like one reads in a medical study. I feel very exposed by it, so it's good to have some feedback.

Cant
_________________________
Recovery is possible. Hang in there, brothers.

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#428934 - 03/24/13 02:44 PM Re: My Dissociation symptoms [Re: SamV]
KMCINVA Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/31/11
Posts: 1743
I can relate to many of the these feelings and actions.

Anxiety has always been there because of fear I would have when I lost time--what did I miss, what did I do-the disconnect from the world but over time I accepted it as a way of life. Some say I recreated the abuse during these periods.

As for my perp-I visualize him, can see his face and features and his "weapon" that he used on me. His smirk is vivid as are the sounds I hear him saying.

I think I should try to answer all the bullets. Cant remember you have captured so much of the feelings I live. Your last point, death--I could never take my life but would pray not to wake in the morning so the pain would be gone.

Thank you

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#428954 - 03/24/13 04:52 PM Re: My Dissociation symptoms [Re: cant_remember]
cant_remember Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/05
Posts: 1045
Thanks KMC & LAD.

I'm working on it. I've been fighting this monster for years with blinders on. Now that I've got him where I can see him, maybe I can do something about it.

And if I can, then so can you.

Cant
_________________________
Recovery is possible. Hang in there, brothers.

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#428974 - 03/24/13 06:47 PM Re: My Dissociation symptoms [Re: cant_remember]
Suwanee Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/30/12
Posts: 742
Loc: Southeast USA
I wish you great success in fighting this monster.

It sounds like you are on the precipice here...and in a good way since you have already seen the abyss.

Way to go!

Will
_________________________
Cruel Summer
My Journal

-Signs and traces left in stone
Ruins of a past unknown-

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#428991 - 03/24/13 09:18 PM Re: My Dissociation symptoms [Re: cant_remember]
cant_remember Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/05
Posts: 1045
Thanks, Will.

I do think I'm the brink something new. Through my own persistence, there is going to be a mens survivor group that meets in my city. I'm about to start low-dose naltrexone EMDR, and I've got a new potential work thing happening.

Of course, if the work thing doesn't happen, it could be crisis time again. Fingers crossed, teeth gritted.

Cant
_________________________
Recovery is possible. Hang in there, brothers.

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#429007 - 03/24/13 11:58 PM Re: My Dissociation symptoms [Re: cant_remember]
Jacob S Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/01/13
Posts: 613
Loc: where the shadows lie

Quote:
* Feeling that death is the only escape from the pain.


Huh. Never thought of that as a symptom before. Just figured it was a fact. Maybe I've been letting it have a free ride.
_________________________


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#429142 - 03/26/13 02:16 AM Re: My Dissociation symptoms [Re: Jacob S]
pufferfish Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/08
Posts: 6875
Loc: USA
I have had most or all of the symptoms described. I want to say that they can be dealt with.

I had a deep amnesia toward sexual abuse and torture I experienced at age 12. When the amnesia unwound 30 years later, it just about knocked me for a loop. But when the amnesia lapsed, I became capable of receiving effective therapy for the wounds inflicted on me. But it was very heavy. I don't want to mislead anybody.

I want to add more to this but the hour is very late, so I'll try to add more tomorrow.

Puffer

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