It has been for many months that I posted my last post here and I want to post an update.
From january till july 2012 I started loosing control over my life. I have been suffering much more fear attacks, started loosing grip on reality, a lot of heavy flashbacks and dissociations.
My relationship I had for almost 12 year endured a lot because I also had been with another woman from time to time in the past 5 years and my relationship ended.
I went to a clinic to get threatment and I have been there for 4 months. They diagnosed me again with c-ptss and now also with possible signs of DID (dissociative identity disorder).
Therapy was quite good though very heavy. Because EMDR was traumatising they decided to work with Prolonqued Exposure Therapy. This was too heavy and actually caused a major fallback.
After 4 months they couldn't threat me there and advised me to find more specialised trauma help and I left the clinic.
During my stay there I met my new girlfriend who also had a history of sexual abuse in her past. She also had borderline.
I fell really deeply in love and we worked very carefully on our relationship. After we both left we went living together and for the first time in a long long time I felt extremely happy, understood and had the feeling I had a good grip on my life and problems. Eventhough our relationship wasn't easy due to our problems we could handle everything very well. She had quite heavy psychotic attacks from time to time, but I could deal with it without problems.
We lived in a temporary house till we would move to our new house on the first of March in Belgium. We were extremely happy together and allthough our relationship was young I proposed and we planned our wedding on the 26th of September 2013.
On the 12th of February when I wasn't at home for a weekend I got a call that our house was on fire. I drove to our house and saw the house burning down and the fire department couldn't do anything. My girlfriend died in the fire. She was only 40 years old.
The police is still investigating what has happened and since that time I have been completely broken and devestated
I tried to commit suicide but it failed and I became homeless. I am temporary staying at a friends house after I have been put temporary in a clinic for a few weeks after my suicide attempt.
I am trying to build up my life now again, but am suffering heavy nightmares about the fire. I am getting good help from the local mental health clinics here, but it is extremely difficult from time to time. Also my past is constantly pushing and the flashbacks and body memories seem to be more heavier then the last couple of months.
Sorry for this emotional post, but I needed to post this update. Thank you all for reading.
Music expresses that which cannot be said and on which it is impossible to be silent.