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#428836 - 03/23/13 02:53 PM My Dissociation symptoms
cant_remember Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/05
Posts: 1039

I'm about to start low-dose naltrexone EMDR (as many of you know), and my T asked me to generate a list of symptoms of my DID to use as a baseline to determine our effectiveness going forward.

So I thought I would post my list here, and invite others to comment or add their own. Here's my list:

* Anxiety

* Inability to form or maintain a relationship. I identify as straight but have sex with old men. Unable to form relationships with either women or older men.

* Eroticizing my perp's physical characteristics (sexual anatomy, hair color, style of dress)

* Recreating the abuse

* Losing time

* Feeling a physical force inside my body that contains my negative emotions (perhaps all of my emotions), which can overwhelm me, cause me to cry uncontrollably, and can control my body to a limited degree, but I can't speak or move my hands when he is in control. I call him Izzy.

* Feeling detached from my emotions; unable to regulate emotions when they are felt; described by others as "emotionally sensitive."

* Not comfortable in my own body. Feeling like I am a boy trapped inside a man suit.

* Dissociated from my digestion system. Didn't have regular BM's until I became a coffee drinker in my 20s. Still have trouble remembering last BM or last meal, even when I try to recall it.

* Daily marijuana use to regulate anxiety and prevent nightmares.

* Financial problems. Feeling triggered and dissociated from financial matters. Possible that perp gave me money and so money is an unconscious trigger.

* Feeling that death is the only escape from the pain.

Welp. That's all I can think of.

Cant
_________________________
Recovery is possible. Hang in there, brothers.

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#428908 - 03/24/13 11:59 AM Re: My Dissociation symptoms [Re: cant_remember]
SamV Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/13/09
Posts: 5942
Loc: Talladega, Alabama, USA
My best to you Cant as you keep reaching for healing relief. What I can do is empathize with this list.

Quote:
* Anxiety
Well, heck yeah.
* Inability to form or maintain a relationship. I identify as straight but have sex with old men. Unable to form relationships with either women or older men.It was a boundary issue with me as well. I made women goddess and men were evil monsters, almost all of 'em.

* Eroticizing my perp's physical characteristics (sexual anatomy, hair color, style of dress)Uh huh, similar here, but one of my perp's was a minor, I could not sexualize that age group, but definitely size, color and manner. Between you and I, Asian women were a fetish for me.

* Recreating the abuseAlthough I am married, certain sexual acts would arouse me better, or indeed at times at all. Those acts were feelings at first, through discovery I realized their origin.

* Losing timeIn almost every situation, secular, family, academically, recreation I have felt a disconnection. I felt uncomfortable, even disembodied, I became aware again of the situation I had been in moments or minutes later.

* Feeling a physical force inside my body that contains my negative emotions (perhaps all of my emotions), which can overwhelm me, cause me to cry uncontrollably, and can control my body to a limited degree, but I can't speak or move my hands when he is in control. I call him Izzy.My negative pool was so deep, I could not find my "good Izzy". I either felt shame, worthless, angry or substandard. I remember waking up and could not speak or move, that was terrifying.

* Feeling detached from my emotions; unable to regulate emotions when they are felt; described by others as "emotionally sensitive."Creating healthy boundaries to others I felt compassion for, I could become destroyed with them or victorious with them, not a good feeling. When they were away, so was I.

* Not comfortable in my own body. Feeling like I am a boy trapped inside a man suit. Like a boy deprived, being treated unfairly, no one paying any attention, let's not even talk about learning a trade or a process for employment or parenting, argh! The other side was I could watch cartoons and play, but I was 35! I still like cartoons btw.

* Dissociated from my digestion system. Didn't have regular BM's until I became a coffee drinker in my 20s. Still have trouble remembering last BM or last meal, even when I try to recall it.Uh huh, thank goodness for coffee!Embarrassing moments when I would have to bring a change of clothes, yep, clothes.

* Daily marijuana use to regulate anxiety and prevent nightmares.Binge drinking and sex.

* Financial problems. Feeling triggered and dissociated from financial matters. Possible that perp gave me money and so money is an unconscious trigger. I used money to try and control relationships, giving away thousands, very unsound investments.

* Feeling that death is the only escape from the pain.Mine was not death, but the absolute conviction that if I worked harder, was funnier, paid more I would have more support around me. What I needed was a positive, healthy me around me, and that is what my efforts in recovery paid off.


Thanks for this Cant, keep reaching for the good and pleasant. I will be painful, but there are marked rewards and progress.

Sam
_________________________
MaleSurvivor Moderator Emeritus 2012 - 2014

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#428921 - 03/24/13 01:20 PM . [Re: cant_remember]
Life's A Dream Offline


Registered: 08/25/11
Posts: 886
Loc: Bouvet Island
.


Edited by Life's A Dream (04/21/13 11:03 PM)

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#428925 - 03/24/13 01:42 PM Re: My Dissociation symptoms [Re: cant_remember]
cant_remember Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/05
Posts: 1039
Thanks, Sam.

This is the first time I've put myself down as a bullet-point list of symptoms like one reads in a medical study. I feel very exposed by it, so it's good to have some feedback.

Cant
_________________________
Recovery is possible. Hang in there, brothers.

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#428934 - 03/24/13 02:44 PM Re: My Dissociation symptoms [Re: SamV]
KMCINVA Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/31/11
Posts: 1652
I can relate to many of the these feelings and actions.

Anxiety has always been there because of fear I would have when I lost time--what did I miss, what did I do-the disconnect from the world but over time I accepted it as a way of life. Some say I recreated the abuse during these periods.

As for my perp-I visualize him, can see his face and features and his "weapon" that he used on me. His smirk is vivid as are the sounds I hear him saying.

I think I should try to answer all the bullets. Cant remember you have captured so much of the feelings I live. Your last point, death--I could never take my life but would pray not to wake in the morning so the pain would be gone.

Thank you

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#428954 - 03/24/13 04:52 PM Re: My Dissociation symptoms [Re: cant_remember]
cant_remember Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/05
Posts: 1039
Thanks KMC & LAD.

I'm working on it. I've been fighting this monster for years with blinders on. Now that I've got him where I can see him, maybe I can do something about it.

And if I can, then so can you.

Cant
_________________________
Recovery is possible. Hang in there, brothers.

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#428974 - 03/24/13 06:47 PM Re: My Dissociation symptoms [Re: cant_remember]
Suwanee Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/30/12
Posts: 719
Loc: Southeast USA
I wish you great success in fighting this monster.

It sounds like you are on the precipice here...and in a good way since you have already seen the abyss.

Way to go!

Will
_________________________
Cruel Summer
My Journal

-Signs and traces left in stone
Ruins of a past unknown-

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#428991 - 03/24/13 09:18 PM Re: My Dissociation symptoms [Re: cant_remember]
cant_remember Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/05
Posts: 1039
Thanks, Will.

I do think I'm the brink something new. Through my own persistence, there is going to be a mens survivor group that meets in my city. I'm about to start low-dose naltrexone EMDR, and I've got a new potential work thing happening.

Of course, if the work thing doesn't happen, it could be crisis time again. Fingers crossed, teeth gritted.

Cant
_________________________
Recovery is possible. Hang in there, brothers.

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#429007 - 03/24/13 11:58 PM Re: My Dissociation symptoms [Re: cant_remember]
Jacob S Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/01/13
Posts: 594

Quote:
* Feeling that death is the only escape from the pain.


Huh. Never thought of that as a symptom before. Just figured it was a fact. Maybe I've been letting it have a free ride.
_________________________
Like a spent gladiator
crawling in the colosseum dust
who can count on his remaining limbs
all the people he can trust.
Like the one who stands behind him
cheering him on
Estatic when he stands defiant,
wild with abandon when he's gone

just stay alive.
do whatever you need to.
you are worth it.

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#429142 - 03/26/13 02:16 AM Re: My Dissociation symptoms [Re: Jacob S]
pufferfish Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/08
Posts: 6867
Loc: USA
I have had most or all of the symptoms described. I want to say that they can be dealt with.

I had a deep amnesia toward sexual abuse and torture I experienced at age 12. When the amnesia unwound 30 years later, it just about knocked me for a loop. But when the amnesia lapsed, I became capable of receiving effective therapy for the wounds inflicted on me. But it was very heavy. I don't want to mislead anybody.

I want to add more to this but the hour is very late, so I'll try to add more tomorrow.

Puffer

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