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#428891 - 03/24/13 08:56 AM New to the Forum
CafeMan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/18/13
Posts: 149
Loc: Chicago
Hello, all.

I just joined the Forum this week and spoke to so many nice guys with experiences similar to my own.

Here goes: I will turn 40 in a few months. I have professionally accomplished a lot. I am an overachiever, and I compete with myself on a daily basis to be the "best that I can be."

However, my abuse hinders me to move forward in certain aspects of my life. I was abused at 11 by my brother-in-law (sister's now ex-husband). I trusted him as a brother, but he obviously violated that trust. For seven months I endured the abuse. I knew it was wrong, I wanted it to stop and I assumed that I had the power to make him stop on my own. I didn't.

I decided to tell my parents, who in turn told my siblings--including my sister. As you can imagine, it threw our once tight knit family for a loop. My family was obviously supportive. However, the real abuse was the after effect. The emotions that I have continuously endured.

1. I became distrustful and apprehensive of people. I keep a very normal, friendly facade. However, deep down I'm nervous when I meet new people.

2. I have a hard time being in a committed relationship with a woman. When I become close to a woman, my mind flashes back to my childhood events. I have to "grin and bear it," but it's a hard time.

3. While I know it wasn't my fault, and my family has moved on, I hated that I had to tell them about the situation. Granted I know I was a child who needed help. However, I feel that I, through my involuntary actions, ultimately took away their positive family experiences. I know it sounds irrational, but I love my family so much and wish the best for them always.

Ultimately, I spent 29 years with these challenges. My goal is to spend the second half of my life in a more secure, positive and peaceful existence. Joining and participating in this forum is one of several steps which I must encounter.

While we are all here due to these extreme circumstances, I also want to engage in healthy online chats and friendships as they arise. I pray for each of you, having some knowledge and understanding in your specific situations.

All my best to each and every one of you.

CafeMan

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#428895 - 03/24/13 09:20 AM Re: New to the Forum [Re: CafeMan]
Rj2660 Offline


Registered: 03/13/13
Posts: 22
Loc: Texas
Cafeman,

I was also molested by my Brother in Law. It lasted for 6 years until I was 18. That was after he spent 3 or 4 years grooming me in a diabolical manner. As one who was severely abused not only by him, but by many other Men, I can assure you that there is hope for a good life ahead. You can deal with this and put it in its place. I encourage you if possible,to get the story out and on to a page, even if you keep it private, it is very freeing. You can read my story(Joe).

Press forward! There is well being ahead for you.

Rj
_________________________
If someone throws trash on my lawn and drives away, it is mine to deal with. I make the decision whether to collect it or take responsibility for cleaning it up. We are the sum of our choices. For some, these were thrust upon us at an age when we were not qualified to take such resposibility. R.J.

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#428899 - 03/24/13 10:51 AM Re: New to the Forum [Re: CafeMan]
peroperic2009 Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/11
Posts: 3603
Loc: South-East Europe
Hey CafeMan, welcome to public part of MS's broad wink
I smelled coffee and I wondered what is all that about and found you here, lol.
Wow you made very brave first post, congratulations!
I'm sure many of us came here after long period of time spent in thinking on things from past that made such negative impact on us. It is very difficult to change perspective and to step aside and take control over our lives - that is healing.
We are here to make better rest of our lives!
Keep sharing your experience with us, let's grow together!


Pero
_________________________
My story

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#428943 - 03/24/13 03:37 PM Re: New to the Forum [Re: peroperic2009]
CafeMan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/18/13
Posts: 149
Loc: Chicago
Thank you! So nice chatting with you this morning. I hope to do it again soon.

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#428944 - 03/24/13 03:38 PM Re: New to the Forum [Re: Rj2660]
CafeMan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/18/13
Posts: 149
Loc: Chicago
I'm sorry for your pain. I appreciate your encouragement. Thank you!

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#429077 - 03/25/13 01:38 PM Re: New to the Forum [Re: CafeMan]
Jude Offline


Registered: 08/09/12
Posts: 1506
Loc: New England
Originally Posted By: CafeMan
....As you can imagine, it threw our once tight knit family for a loop. My family was obviously supportive.....

Welcome CafeMan,

I am genuinely sorry for what you had to endure as a boy. You are however, very fortunate to have a supportive family. Many of us cannot make that claim. And the aftereffects you describe are very common among male survivors of CSA: difficulty with relationships, difficulty with trust, putting up a facade of success and accomplishment while inside being a wreck, and taking the blame and guilt upon yourself that really belongs to your abuser.

The good news is that there is a way out, a way to learn to live with (not forget) what happened to you. You've already made a good start by talking about it. When I first logged on to MS, someone told me something that has stuck with me and I'll pass it on: "Sexual abuse happens in secret, but healing happens out loud". I have found that the more I talk about it, the less power it has over me.

There's no pressure here to spill your guts all at once, so take it at your own pace. But I've certainly learned alot from reading the post by other men. Most importantly I've learned that I'm not alone, and neither are you. There are nearly 12,000 guys on MS who "get it" and have your back.

Jude
_________________________
"I get up, and nothing gets me down.
You got it tough. I've seen the toughest around.
And I know, baby, just how you feel.
You've got to roll with the punches to get to what's real"
Van Halen

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#429168 - 03/26/13 10:42 AM Re: New to the Forum [Re: Jude]
CafeMan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/18/13
Posts: 149
Loc: Chicago
Thank you, Jude. I appreciate your advice and truly appreciate it.

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#430283 - 04/05/13 10:23 PM Re: New to the Forum [Re: CafeMan]
lukedamien Offline


Registered: 04/05/13
Posts: 68
I'm real happy that your family believed you and put a stop to it. I like you so much. This is what families should do. Even if it stays in the family and never gets the legal attention it deserves. At least putting and end to the abuse is the start

Im confused about this one thing. I'm so scared reading and actually talking/typing about this stuff. But you are so confident in what you wrote. I'm a coward I suppose. You know it was never anything wrong you did. I think about everything they did. And I always think I did something to make them even want to do what they did to me. Like was my clothes to tight. Did I not wear a shirt. Did I switch while walking. Did I smile too much. The reasons I went through it are endless in my mind. When I heard that I did nothing to ask for it or deserve it. It makes too much emotions I can't really face try to rise. I'd rather have a reason in my mind for it to happen to me than no reason at all. Hope I made sense.

Ttyl dude.

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#430326 - 04/06/13 09:11 AM Re: New to the Forum [Re: CafeMan]
CafeMan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/18/13
Posts: 149
Loc: Chicago
Hi, Luke. Thank you for reading my post and sharing. I appreciate your honesty.

First, I experienced everything you wrote about in your life. I thought I gave my abuser signals, or I encouraged it or I made him do it to me. Keep in mind this is a defense mechanism that we subconsciously impose on ourselves to cope with these bizarre episodes. I also said to myself that the abuse isn't too bad and that I can make him stop--at 11 years old!

I know every detail about my abuse, but I rationalized it. It was too much for me to take in. So what sparked the turn around? I was watching TV, and a public service announcement came on, starring Emanuel Lewis from "Webster." This was a 1980's TV show.

The youtube link is: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=exjIHApOLeA.

Once I saw it, I became glued to the TV. I thought, "My God, this is really happening to me! I am one of those kids! I realized I had to do something. It was wrong, and it must be stopped.

A few weeks later, I was in bed trying to go to sleep. I was thinking about the last seven months of the abuse. I had one goal: I wanted him to stop touching me. I couldn't take it anymore. So I went into the kitchen and started telling my mother. We then woke up my father, and that's when I told him. I was so ashamed and embarrassed. I refused to turn the light on when I started talking to my father! From there, my parents took over and banned the abuser from coming to the house. He was out of the family, and I never saw him again.

From there, so many emotions came out of me. Keep in mind, I was suppressing how I felt. Once I revealed it, the well was overflowing. And then my insecurities kicked in, which is something I'm still trying to figure out.

The bottom line for me: the abuse was way too much for me to process so I started to doubt myself. Was it my fault? Did I want it? The answer is a definite NO! It doesn't matter what clothes I wore or whatever he thought gave him the right to do that. It was wrong--PERIOD! My (ex) brother-in-law touched me. He forced me to touch him. I didn't want it. PERIOD!

Now, I'm going to be 40 years old next month. I look back at my last forty years with pride and with some regret but with determination to make the next 40 years more fulfilling. I don't have all the answers. The insecurities still creep through. But I will be damned sure that I will not let some bastard take away more than what he already did. I believe I lost my childhood not at the moment I was abused, but when I disclosed this abuse to my parents. I took a responsible and important step to make things right in my life. That's when I became a grown up. My soul was scratched, but it wasn't torn apart.

So I joined this site. You know for the first time, I can discuss my problems after 29 years without crying! This is a huge accomplishment for me. I'm so proud of myself. I just want to be happy.

So next month, I'm starting to take Israeli martial arts--just because. I'm going to take up my customer's offer to visit his boat this season at the marina (I own a restaurant so I'm honored to meet a lot of interesting people). I want to start doing more fun, normal things.

Why feel depressed for what reason? So that a sicko took advantage of me and I can't go forward in my life because I keep reliving those past moments?? NO! It's too much for me. I get exhausted just reliving it. I want to be exhausted for the accomplishments I do now, not 29 years ago!

I hope this helps you. Because hearing from you and so many others on this site has truly started to help me. So thank you! Feel free to drop me a line anytime. Take care!

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#432196 - 04/23/13 06:04 PM Re: New to the Forum [Re: CafeMan]
BuffaloCO Offline


Registered: 07/14/12
Posts: 419
Loc: USA
CafeMan, I'm glad you found us and that I've gotten to talk with you in chat. There really are a lot of good people here and good resources. I joined last July before starting T, and this site helped me deal before and after with all the stuff coming up. Thanks for your support too. smile
_________________________
“We can easily forgive a child who is afraid of the dark. The real tragedy of life is when men are afraid of the light.” - Plato

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#432369 - 04/25/13 09:24 AM Re: New to the Forum [Re: CafeMan]
bodyguard8367 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/16/12
Posts: 1159
Loc: ""
""


Edited by bodyguard8367 (02/26/14 11:04 PM)

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#432375 - 04/25/13 10:45 AM Re: New to the Forum [Re: CafeMan]
KMCINVA Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/31/11
Posts: 1610
Welcome

I admire your bravery to tell your family and for your sister to learn of what was done to by her former husband. I hope it began to set you free from the effects of the abuse, I hope it empowered you to move forward-which I sense it did from your words on how you wish to live the rest of your life. I think you sister will need some help, she probably has some guilt feelings about what happened--she should talk to someone and like you, it was not neither of you who were responsible or guilty.

I wish you well on the journey to healing.

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#432718 - 04/28/13 09:17 AM Re: New to the Forum [Re: BuffaloCO]
CafeMan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/18/13
Posts: 149
Loc: Chicago
Thank you. I appreciate that. And thank you as well. You're right, it has been very helpful here!

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#432719 - 04/28/13 09:18 AM Re: New to the Forum [Re: bodyguard8367]
CafeMan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/18/13
Posts: 149
Loc: Chicago
Thank you!

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#432721 - 04/28/13 09:24 AM Re: New to the Forum [Re: KMCINVA]
CafeMan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/18/13
Posts: 149
Loc: Chicago
Thank you, KMCINVA. There is/was a feeling that changed the family dynamic after I disclosed this. My sister was just as much a victim as I was.

I guess what I learned through all this is that even though there were adults involved, people did the best they could despite the challenges. I know my sister loves me (and I of her). But she did the best she could at the time. While I may not have agreed with some of her choices, she did what she had to do at that specific time. And I can move on from there regarding my feelings toward her.

FYI: She tried to save her marriage and get professional help for him. But he was too far gone, so she divorced him. Before she walked away, she had to exhaust all her options to help him before the divorce. At the time and even now, I don't agree with some of her decisions, but I can at least understand her point of view. She has remarried and has a beautiful daughter. So I am happy for her in that regard.

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#436818 - 06/04/13 10:53 AM Re: New to the Forum [Re: CafeMan]
Suwanee Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/30/12
Posts: 702
Loc: Southeast USA
CafeMan,

Welcome. I know we have "spoken" in chat, but I just now read your introduction. As you have probably discovered, there are many roads that lead to and through MS. There are some truly heartbreaking stories out there.

I know one of the unspoken but cardinal rules seems to be that we don't judge or rank our CSA experiences. How can we? It's like saying scalding water hurts ME more than it hurts YOU. That's ridiculous and unproductive.

That said, I'm impressed that you told someone so early. I know you still carry the pain of CSA, but at least you were able to get your family in your corner early on. I wish I had done the same. I was such an independent kid...normally a good trait, but I used it to hide the CSA from my parents until just a few weeks ago---and im only a year older than you are. I think it was the combination of looking at 40, a new higher-pressure job, Sandusky, and the Boy Scout files that did it for me. There were numerous reasons I didn't tell before, but none of them were particularly good.

Like you, I'm an overachiever. I always looked and acted like a slacker kid, but one who always surprised others with what I was able to accomplish. I surprised myself. I did it mostly to forget or at least comparentalize what happened. It was quite a balancing act for years...a lot on my shoulders and Atlas finally shrugged and I told my wife, a T, and joined MS. I'm thankful I did. Just talking about it helps. I believe it was ChaseEric who said that talking about it removes its power. I find that to be true. As I always say...share as much or as little as you are comfortable with.

Will
_________________________
Cruel Summer
My Journal

-Signs and traces left in stone
Ruins of a past unknown-

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#436833 - 06/04/13 01:09 PM Re: New to the Forum [Re: CafeMan]
victor-victim Offline


Registered: 09/27/03
Posts: 3310
Loc: O Kanada
sorry you had to end up here as a child victim,
but congratulations on becoming an adult survivor.

community and communication can only be helpful, healing and healthy for you, so i wish you a warm welcome.

may you benefit from this forum, as i have.

please...
be honest with yourself.
believe in yourself.
believe yourself.
be yourself.
be you.
beware and be aware of triggers.
belong here. you are one of us.
betray no trust.
behave respectfully to yourself and other brother/sister survivors.
be.
_________________________
Victor|Victim

War
Love
Poetry

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#437225 - 06/07/13 09:56 AM Re: New to the Forum [Re: CafeMan]
Confuzzed Offline


Registered: 05/30/13
Posts: 39
Loc: South Carolina, USA
Welcome to MS, CafeMan.

I'm so sorry that you suffered the way you did. Having that trust violated by a loved one is tragic. I hope you can benefit from the support here on MS. We're right there with you on your path of healing.
_________________________
Aiden

-Nothing haunts us like the things we don't say-

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#443327 - 08/05/13 04:43 AM Re: New to the Forum [Re: CafeMan]
victor-victim Offline


Registered: 09/27/03
Posts: 3310
Loc: O Kanada
just rereading your post.

"My goal is to spend the second half of my life in a more secure, positive and peaceful existence. Joining and participating in this forum is one of several steps which I must encounter. "

those are very clearly defined objectives, and so worthy of your effort.
congratulations.
you are already on your way.

well said.
well spoken.


_________________________
Victor|Victim

War
Love
Poetry

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