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#428705 - 03/22/13 01:47 PM It seems all I do is cry
ThisMan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/22/13
Posts: 767
Loc: upper south
I'm just wondering if, after all these months of therapy and time spent here reading and posting and responding, if I have made any progress. I am remembering the really terrible things I buried long ago and not so long ago. And I don't think I am handling it so very well.

It is as if I am in the middle of rapidly moving river created by the tears I never knew I had. I can't stop tearing up. The sun shines, and I tear up. I read the posts here, and I tear up. I post, and I tear up. And every time I sit by myself....

I have thoughts, both of good and bad from the distant past and the not so distant past and I cry. Is this normal for this stage of the healing? Is it okay? Is it a part of healing? I just want to know if any of you guys have gone through the "continually crying" stage.

I want to feel normal. I couldn't even talk on a serious note with the T this week. I just made funnies and made her laugh because I didn't want to break down again in front of her. I let myself go numb, but I don't feel numb. On the drive home, I had a thought and I teared up again. It is just so weird.
_________________________
For now we see through a glass, darkly.



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#428709 - 03/22/13 02:32 PM Re: It seems all I do is cry [Re: ThisMan]
Tarobuns108 Offline


Registered: 03/20/13
Posts: 21
Loc: NJ, USA
Man,

Don't be hard on yourself for having strong emotional responses to your abuse. You are not weird. You are dealing with the wrongs done to you the best way you can. Try not to be afraid to let it out with your therapist. If anyone will understand and try to help you through this, it is her.

You're here on a forum for survivors. You're seeing a therapist for help. And you're acknowledging the abuse you endured. These things in and of themselves are a huge step towards progress and recovery.

Everyone's healing process is different. And the way people respond to abuse and triggers is different as well. Crying, whether simply tearing up a bit or sobbing in hysterics, is a normal response to the extreme trauma of sexual violence. Personally, I know other victims of violence who have gone through stages of having frequent emotional responses like crying and sobbing. RAINN says that survivors go through three different responses to their abuse and these responses can be felt at different times and some not at all. While some have "controlled" responses (appearing as though one is fine when they are not; repressing) and "disbelief" responses (inability to recall the assault and general disorientation), others have an "expressed" response. These survivors have crying spells and anxiety or panic attacks. It is not unusual at all to have this response. Do not judge yourself harshly for crying. You're not alone in going through this.

Be well,
Ren


Edited by Tarobuns108 (03/22/13 02:39 PM)
Edit Reason: grammar
_________________________
"Don't be ashamed to need help. Like a soldier storming a wall, you have a mission to accomplish. And if you've been wounded and you need a comrade to pull you up? So what?" Meditations of Marcus Aurelius, Book 7:7

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#428739 - 03/22/13 07:13 PM Re: It seems all I do is cry [Re: ThisMan]
genedebs Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/09/12
Posts: 285
Loc: MO
Hey This,

I can not tell you if this is progress for you. I shut down after a few years in therapy when I found myself keening over my losses. Both physical and sexual abuse and trauma. I have been "tearing up" a couple of times a day, at least three days a week for tyhe last 6 months. I am told by my therapist this is progress since I refused to permit me to expereince my emotions for years.

Who knows if this is like the "continually crying" stage you refer to. I have given up ever feeling normal, and then I read another post and discover that I am more like you than I realized. It just feels like it has taken foreveer, and I have nothing concrete to show for it. O H, I guess that is the way it goes, Hope you find what you are looking for or at least to know you are not alone.

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#428741 - 03/22/13 07:38 PM Re: It seems all I do is cry [Re: ThisMan]
Jude Offline


Registered: 08/09/12
Posts: 1530
Loc: New England
Originally Posted By: ThisMan
I just want to know if any of you guys have gone through the "continually crying" stage.


Definitely. Crying till the snot runs down my face...till I puke. Even now I can easily break down and cry with very little triggering.

The rule seems to be you cry till you've run out of tears. That well is very deep for us.

Jude
_________________________
Well, I won't back down
No I won't back down
You can stand me up at the gates of hell
But I won't back down.
Tom Petty

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#428751 - 03/22/13 09:17 PM Re: It seems all I do is cry [Re: ThisMan]
Chase Eric Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/25/10
Posts: 1348
I have had episodes like that working through my own issues. In one case, I participated in a weekend group therapy retreat. It was pretty intense stuff - each person in the group was really raw at the end of it, and I remember tearing and crying on and off for several days afterwards. But one person in the group seemed untouched. He could not cry or get in touch with any of the feelings within him. It was actually pretty sad.

Progress? I suspect it means you are making a great amount. But I say that only as a fellow survivor - I'm not a T. I have never regretted the episodes of which you speak - I've had plenty. And in every case, I've emerged on the other side happier and stronger for the journey.

Sorry if this sounds a bit Disney, but I believe this to be true...

Crying means that you have a soul, that you live close to your heart. Never lose that - I am convinced that too many in this world have no idea how to get there.
_________________________



Click my pic to see why I'm here

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#428756 - 03/22/13 09:40 PM Re: It seems all I do is cry [Re: ThisMan]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3397
Loc: somewhere in Africa
Hey, Man,

yep, i went through a time like that, too. sometimes it was really simple or seemingly silly things that set it off. but it was as though i had to catch up for all the emotions that i hadn't let myself feel - so there was little to differentiate between the degrees of feeling - it all came out as tears. after a while i stopped fighting and resisting it and just let it happen. it was cleansing and restorative and refreshing in the end. now i still tear up more easily than i used to - which was never. but it seems appropriate and connected to something genuine and i no longer deny or get embarrassed about it. it is proof that i am real and human and alive.

go with the flow, Man!
you'll be all right.
Lee
_________________________
As my life goes on I believe somehow something's changed
Something deep inside...
I've been searchin so long to find an answer
Now I know my life has meaning
Now I see myself as I am, feeling very free...
When my tears have come to an end I will understand
What I left behind: a part of me. Chicago


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#428768 - 03/22/13 11:22 PM Re: It seems all I do is cry [Re: ThisMan]
Candu Offline


Registered: 06/30/12
Posts: 312
Loc: Canada
Originally Posted By: ThisMan
I have thoughts, both of good and bad from the distant past and the not so distant past and I cry. Is this normal for this stage of the healing? Is it okay? Is it a part of healing? I just want to know if any of you guys have gone through the "continually crying" stage.


When I got here last summer I was crying a lot. It didn't take much to set me off. Half a year later, and through some dark times, I still cry but not as much as before.

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#428872 - 03/23/13 09:57 PM Re: It seems all I do is cry [Re: ThisMan]
ThisMan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/22/13
Posts: 767
Loc: upper south
Thanks, guys. I would say more, but I would probably just cry again. Seriously.
_________________________
For now we see through a glass, darkly.



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