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#428836 - 03/23/13 02:53 PM My Dissociation symptoms
cant_remember Offline
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Registered: 02/26/05
Posts: 1039

I'm about to start low-dose naltrexone EMDR (as many of you know), and my T asked me to generate a list of symptoms of my DID to use as a baseline to determine our effectiveness going forward.

So I thought I would post my list here, and invite others to comment or add their own. Here's my list:

* Anxiety

* Inability to form or maintain a relationship. I identify as straight but have sex with old men. Unable to form relationships with either women or older men.

* Eroticizing my perp's physical characteristics (sexual anatomy, hair color, style of dress)

* Recreating the abuse

* Losing time

* Feeling a physical force inside my body that contains my negative emotions (perhaps all of my emotions), which can overwhelm me, cause me to cry uncontrollably, and can control my body to a limited degree, but I can't speak or move my hands when he is in control. I call him Izzy.

* Feeling detached from my emotions; unable to regulate emotions when they are felt; described by others as "emotionally sensitive."

* Not comfortable in my own body. Feeling like I am a boy trapped inside a man suit.

* Dissociated from my digestion system. Didn't have regular BM's until I became a coffee drinker in my 20s. Still have trouble remembering last BM or last meal, even when I try to recall it.

* Daily marijuana use to regulate anxiety and prevent nightmares.

* Financial problems. Feeling triggered and dissociated from financial matters. Possible that perp gave me money and so money is an unconscious trigger.

* Feeling that death is the only escape from the pain.

Welp. That's all I can think of.

Cant
_________________________
Recovery is possible. Hang in there, brothers.

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#428908 - 03/24/13 11:59 AM Re: My Dissociation symptoms [Re: cant_remember]
SamV Offline
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Registered: 12/13/09
Posts: 5942
Loc: Talladega, Alabama, USA
My best to you Cant as you keep reaching for healing relief. What I can do is empathize with this list.

Quote:
* Anxiety
Well, heck yeah.
* Inability to form or maintain a relationship. I identify as straight but have sex with old men. Unable to form relationships with either women or older men.It was a boundary issue with me as well. I made women goddess and men were evil monsters, almost all of 'em.

* Eroticizing my perp's physical characteristics (sexual anatomy, hair color, style of dress)Uh huh, similar here, but one of my perp's was a minor, I could not sexualize that age group, but definitely size, color and manner. Between you and I, Asian women were a fetish for me.

* Recreating the abuseAlthough I am married, certain sexual acts would arouse me better, or indeed at times at all. Those acts were feelings at first, through discovery I realized their origin.

* Losing timeIn almost every situation, secular, family, academically, recreation I have felt a disconnection. I felt uncomfortable, even disembodied, I became aware again of the situation I had been in moments or minutes later.

* Feeling a physical force inside my body that contains my negative emotions (perhaps all of my emotions), which can overwhelm me, cause me to cry uncontrollably, and can control my body to a limited degree, but I can't speak or move my hands when he is in control. I call him Izzy.My negative pool was so deep, I could not find my "good Izzy". I either felt shame, worthless, angry or substandard. I remember waking up and could not speak or move, that was terrifying.

* Feeling detached from my emotions; unable to regulate emotions when they are felt; described by others as "emotionally sensitive."Creating healthy boundaries to others I felt compassion for, I could become destroyed with them or victorious with them, not a good feeling. When they were away, so was I.

* Not comfortable in my own body. Feeling like I am a boy trapped inside a man suit. Like a boy deprived, being treated unfairly, no one paying any attention, let's not even talk about learning a trade or a process for employment or parenting, argh! The other side was I could watch cartoons and play, but I was 35! I still like cartoons btw.

* Dissociated from my digestion system. Didn't have regular BM's until I became a coffee drinker in my 20s. Still have trouble remembering last BM or last meal, even when I try to recall it.Uh huh, thank goodness for coffee!Embarrassing moments when I would have to bring a change of clothes, yep, clothes.

* Daily marijuana use to regulate anxiety and prevent nightmares.Binge drinking and sex.

* Financial problems. Feeling triggered and dissociated from financial matters. Possible that perp gave me money and so money is an unconscious trigger. I used money to try and control relationships, giving away thousands, very unsound investments.

* Feeling that death is the only escape from the pain.Mine was not death, but the absolute conviction that if I worked harder, was funnier, paid more I would have more support around me. What I needed was a positive, healthy me around me, and that is what my efforts in recovery paid off.


Thanks for this Cant, keep reaching for the good and pleasant. I will be painful, but there are marked rewards and progress.

Sam
_________________________
MaleSurvivor Moderator Emeritus 2012 - 2014

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#428921 - 03/24/13 01:20 PM . [Re: cant_remember]
Life's A Dream Offline


Registered: 08/25/11
Posts: 886
Loc: Bouvet Island
.


Edited by Life's A Dream (04/21/13 11:03 PM)

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#428925 - 03/24/13 01:42 PM Re: My Dissociation symptoms [Re: cant_remember]
cant_remember Offline
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Registered: 02/26/05
Posts: 1039
Thanks, Sam.

This is the first time I've put myself down as a bullet-point list of symptoms like one reads in a medical study. I feel very exposed by it, so it's good to have some feedback.

Cant
_________________________
Recovery is possible. Hang in there, brothers.

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#428934 - 03/24/13 02:44 PM Re: My Dissociation symptoms [Re: SamV]
KMCINVA Offline
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Registered: 08/31/11
Posts: 1558
I can relate to many of the these feelings and actions.

Anxiety has always been there because of fear I would have when I lost time--what did I miss, what did I do-the disconnect from the world but over time I accepted it as a way of life. Some say I recreated the abuse during these periods.

As for my perp-I visualize him, can see his face and features and his "weapon" that he used on me. His smirk is vivid as are the sounds I hear him saying.

I think I should try to answer all the bullets. Cant remember you have captured so much of the feelings I live. Your last point, death--I could never take my life but would pray not to wake in the morning so the pain would be gone.

Thank you

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#428954 - 03/24/13 04:52 PM Re: My Dissociation symptoms [Re: cant_remember]
cant_remember Offline
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Thanks KMC & LAD.

I'm working on it. I've been fighting this monster for years with blinders on. Now that I've got him where I can see him, maybe I can do something about it.

And if I can, then so can you.

Cant
_________________________
Recovery is possible. Hang in there, brothers.

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#428974 - 03/24/13 06:47 PM Re: My Dissociation symptoms [Re: cant_remember]
Suwanee Offline
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Registered: 10/30/12
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Loc: Southeast USA
I wish you great success in fighting this monster.

It sounds like you are on the precipice here...and in a good way since you have already seen the abyss.

Way to go!

Will
_________________________
Cruel Summer
My Journal

-Signs and traces left in stone
Ruins of a past unknown-

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#428991 - 03/24/13 09:18 PM Re: My Dissociation symptoms [Re: cant_remember]
cant_remember Offline
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Registered: 02/26/05
Posts: 1039
Thanks, Will.

I do think I'm the brink something new. Through my own persistence, there is going to be a mens survivor group that meets in my city. I'm about to start low-dose naltrexone EMDR, and I've got a new potential work thing happening.

Of course, if the work thing doesn't happen, it could be crisis time again. Fingers crossed, teeth gritted.

Cant
_________________________
Recovery is possible. Hang in there, brothers.

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#429007 - 03/24/13 11:58 PM Re: My Dissociation symptoms [Re: cant_remember]
Jacob S Offline
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Registered: 01/01/13
Posts: 592

Quote:
* Feeling that death is the only escape from the pain.


Huh. Never thought of that as a symptom before. Just figured it was a fact. Maybe I've been letting it have a free ride.
_________________________
Like a spent gladiator
crawling in the colosseum dust
who can count on his remaining limbs
all the people he can trust.
Like the one who stands behind him
cheering him on
Estatic when he stands defiant,
wild with abandon when he's gone

just stay alive.
do whatever you need to.
you are worth it.

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#429142 - 03/26/13 02:16 AM Re: My Dissociation symptoms [Re: Jacob S]
pufferfish Offline
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Registered: 02/26/08
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Loc: USA
I have had most or all of the symptoms described. I want to say that they can be dealt with.

I had a deep amnesia toward sexual abuse and torture I experienced at age 12. When the amnesia unwound 30 years later, it just about knocked me for a loop. But when the amnesia lapsed, I became capable of receiving effective therapy for the wounds inflicted on me. But it was very heavy. I don't want to mislead anybody.

I want to add more to this but the hour is very late, so I'll try to add more tomorrow.

Puffer

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#429470 - 03/29/13 12:04 PM Re: My Dissociation symptoms [Re: cant_remember]
cant_remember Offline
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I'm on my 2nd day of low-dose naltrexone. Just 1 mg at a time to build it up in my system.

Also, my T and I have revised my symptom list into a worksheet that I can check off each week to see if I'm still experiencing symptoms. I also organized the symptoms based on self-state to make it easier for me to think through and easier for my T to determine how treatment is going:

Adult self
_____ daily marijuana use
_____ trance-like episodes
_____ having prolonged conversations with myself in the mirror
_____ hearing voices inside my head that argue
_____ feeling uncertain about who I really am
_____ not remembering when I last ate or used the toilet
_____ feeling only partially “there”
_____ feeling divided, as if I have several parts
_____ feeling that there are large gaps in memory
_____ feeling triggered and dissociated from financial matters
_____ so bothered by flashbacks that it’s difficult to work

Dark self (Izzy)
_____ feeling as if my body or parts of it don’t belong to me
_____ feeling that another personality sometimes takes over
_____ feeling emotional pain & hurt from ‘out of nowhere’
_____ being paralyzed, unable to move with no medical reason
_____ being unable to speak or control body movements
_____ feeling that death is the only escape from pain

Child self
_____ strong impulses to do something that don’t feel like they belong to me
_____ getting images of child who seems to live in my head
_____ switching back and forth from feeling like an adult to feeling like a child
_____ feeling that I am two people -- one doing things and one watching it
_____ re-experiencing body sensations from a past traumatic event
_____ suddenly realizing time has gone by and I don’t know what I was doing
_____ eroticizing certain male characteristics
_____ hearing myself talk and feeling like it’s not me choosing the words
_________________________
Recovery is possible. Hang in there, brothers.

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#429472 - 03/29/13 12:16 PM Re: My Dissociation symptoms [Re: cant_remember]
peroperic2009 Offline
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Registered: 10/09/11
Posts: 3600
Loc: South-East Europe
Hi Cant,
oh man you are doing a lot with your recovery! I must say that your check list is very detailed and it was inspiring for me to read it. It gave me sense of you and your true feelings.
It is so good to see you breaking trough it!

Pero
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My story

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#429538 - 03/30/13 01:36 AM Re: My Dissociation symptoms [Re: peroperic2009]
pufferfish Offline
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MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/08
Posts: 6818
Loc: USA
Interesting thread.

My story began when I was not even 4 yet. It was 70 years ago. Abuse such as I had early on and through childhood was very debilitating. I have written about the initial abuse in:

http://www.malesurvivor.org/board/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Main=29652&Number=212889

This is what I looked like:
Photo has been moved to:
http://www.malesurvivor.org/board/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=428818#Post428818

Here is an artist' rendition of a photo of me about the time the abuse started.
Photo has been moved to:
http://www.malesurvivor.org/board/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=428818#Post428818

There is a recent post showing a boy about the age I was when my first experience with catastrophic abuse started*. I was about as small as the child in this vid:

http://www.malesurvivor.org/board/ubbthr...8786#Post428786

I remember some symptoms of dissociation I first noticed as a child. Walking home from school in Denver one day (I was about 8) I noticed that I was arguing with myself sub-vocally. Two inner voices were discussing something.

I still do this. The other one frequently advises me in a subaudible voice to do this or that or to not do this or that or do it in a different way.

In 3rd grade (8 years old) we had a good class on music. We learned the names of the instruments and heard a lot of good music. At other times I would tune out (daydreaming). I wouldn't hear what was being taught. Even then I had the "music personality". He must have started when I was 4. He hears music and memorizes stretches of it and then plays it back when things are quiet. I only hear it within my head. He doesn't sleep when I do. I take a nap nearly every afternoon, often with classical music playing (not necessarily softly). Even though I am asleep he's awake listening to the music. I know I'm asleep because occasionally I hear myself snore and I feel quite rested when I awaken. But he has listened intently to the music and I have gained a new understanding of it while asleep. Is this incredible? He plays it back with the original instrumentation and in the original pitch.

I think I finally figured out where the music personality started. I was cared for on Saturday and overnight to Sunday by the neighbor who was a famous cartoonist. He was the one who (ab)used me in making kiddie porn movies of me with other neighborhood boys. I was 4. I haven't remembered what he did to me on Saturday nights. (what does that mean?) This cartoonist put lots of classical music in his cartoons: Barber of Seville, William Tell Overture, and many others. You have all heard this music when you watched cartoons. So... he must have been playing the classical music when I was upstairs in the crib supposedly sleeping. The traumatic aspect of abuse on Saturday must have caused me to generate a new personality who listened to that music week after week. That would have strengthened his independent character. This isn't a bad idea at all.

These sleeping conundrums seem to explain why I rarely feel rested.

I had a lot of headaches as a child. They must have been dissociation headaches, which DID people get a lot. I took a lot of aspirin. Bright light seemed to trigger them. Was this because perp took the movies under a bright skylight? The headaches when I was little were in my temporal lobes (I didn't know that word then). Since I have eye problems (strabismus apparently exacerbated by dissociation from abuse) the headaches now seem to be in the back of my head where the lobe is that processes visual information (occipital lobe).

I have previously mentioned that in an EMDR session about 15 months ago, the T and I were going to get into the last day of the kidnap experience when I was 12, where I remembered feeling a high level of terror. That terror has never been resolved. When the EMDR led me into the terror, I suddenly "switched" and became another person. That maneuver completely "handled" the terror for that moment but it hasn't been finally resolved. That's the only time I was consciously aware of generating a new self as an adult. My T has suggested that during the EMDR I was recapitulating the generation of a new personality (alter) when I was 12. The problem I have with that is that I became someone whom I only know as an avatar photo from MS. Of course I didn't know that boy then. It seems quite possible that I was given a dose of LSD when I was 12 and in that situation. A pretty high dose of LSD can cause heightened feelings of terror. That might have caused my high level of terror, in addition to whatever else was going on. That is how this MPD stuff works. Trauma causes the person to generate a new personality to handle that trauma. It was something my mind had figured out when I was 3 or 4.

When I was in college I kept a journal for awhile. I found it a few years ago. I was astonished to see that I had written in my journal in a different handwriting every day. Some days were printed and some scrawled and some with red ink. This would have been caused because I had enough different personalities to change out every day for a whole bunch of days. I hid the journal and haven't been able to find it since.

I also have another type of amnesia which I call "magic slate amnesia".

http://www.amazon.com/Schylling-Magic-Slates/dp/B000ICZ5IW/

Do you remember the child's game where we could draw or write on a special plastic sheet and then it could be erased by lifting the top sheet? I do that with my brain. When I've been out somewhere and I come home then I have amnesia toward whatever I was doing. It's because when I was 4 and the perp was doing stuff he shouldn't have been doing, then when I got home I would erase the memory of it. It wasn't permanently erased, it was just stored in a different part of my mind. It became a stubborn mental habit. This has made it difficult to maintain continuity between events outside my home and when I get home.

I also have a "Marilyn Van Derber style of DID". Marilyn Van Derber describes it in her book, Miss America by Day.

http://www.amazon.com/Miss-America-Day-Betrayals-Unconditional/dp/1935689517/

She graduated from the same Denver high school and university I did. She is a beautiful and gracious person and won the Miss America pageant. Her father had abused her in her bed at night. So she retained a cryptic vulnerability from that abuse. When she was confronted with situations at night that emotionally resembled the abuse she had experienced, she was vulnerable. She had amnesia between the day and night selves. So, I think I have that kind of vulnerability to being in situations which emotionally resemble what I was subjected to as a kid. Under those conditions, I could become vulnerable. I think it expressed itself with college roommates and at band camp and stuff like that.

Puffer

* My thanks to BraveFalcon for this video link.






Edited by pufferfish (04/01/13 11:41 PM)

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#429593 - 03/30/13 10:04 PM Re: My Dissociation symptoms [Re: cant_remember]
cant_remember Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/05
Posts: 1039
Uncle Puffer,

Have you watched Fight Club yet? We are eagerly awaiting your thoughts on it.

Cant
_________________________
Recovery is possible. Hang in there, brothers.

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#429601 - 03/31/13 12:23 AM Re: My Dissociation symptoms [Re: cant_remember]
pufferfish Offline
Member
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Registered: 02/26/08
Posts: 6818
Loc: USA
I have watched part of it and then I lost the remote control for the dvd player. I'm reading a book which talks a lot about switching and internal conversations. It's called First Person Plural. It's very witty. I haven't laughed so much for quite a while. So I recommend it.

http://www.amazon.com/First-Person-Plural-Life-Multiple/dp/B000FDFWN2/

This book probably stimulated some of the thoughts I put in my post above.

I'm going to post some quotes from it soon.

Puffer

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#429622 - 03/31/13 11:48 AM Re: My Dissociation symptoms [Re: cant_remember]
cant_remember Offline
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Registered: 02/26/05
Posts: 1039
Find that remote control! : )

Also, Puffer, about your timeline: you say above you were in Denver at 8 years old, but didn't you move to Denver after scout camp in the DC area, when you were about 12?

Cant


Edited by cant_remember (03/31/13 11:54 AM)
_________________________
Recovery is possible. Hang in there, brothers.

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#429640 - 03/31/13 05:45 PM Re: My Dissociation symptoms [Re: cant_remember]
KMCINVA Offline
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Registered: 08/31/11
Posts: 1558
One thing I have done and been called on is talking to myself--I gather I would be having a conversation and my wife would hear and tell me people will think I am crazy. Now I am understanding it more--having a conversation out loud with myself as though there are two people in the conversation is part of the dissociation spectrum.


Edited by KMCINVA (03/31/13 05:52 PM)

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#429673 - 03/31/13 10:38 PM Re: My Dissociation symptoms [Re: cant_remember]
pufferfish Offline
Member
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Registered: 02/26/08
Posts: 6818
Loc: USA
Originally Posted By: cant_remember
Find that remote control! : )

Also, Puffer, about your timeline: you say above you were in Denver at 8 years old, but didn't you move to Denver after scout camp in the DC area, when you were about 12?

Cant


I found the remote control and I finished watching Fight Club this afternoon.

Yes, you've found out my secret! I turn into a Brad Pitt -like character every evening at sundown. Not really! smile I enjoyed watching it even though I'm not very pugilistic. I don't think the film really says anything serious about DID.

My timeline has been moved to:
http://www.malesurvivor.org/board/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=429776#Post429776

Puffer




Edited by pufferfish (04/01/13 11:24 PM)

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#429710 - 04/01/13 09:38 AM Re: My Dissociation symptoms [Re: cant_remember]
KMCINVA Offline
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Registered: 08/31/11
Posts: 1558
Puffer

Quite a traveled life you had. Too bad the family made a stop in Northern Virginia--your life may have been spared the CSA. You have achieved well--but you are so right, once you become unglued by the memories, flashbacks and terror of the abuse your life can spiral out of control. Glad you found therapy and your way here. You add value to this board.

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#429711 - 04/01/13 09:48 AM Re: My Dissociation symptoms [Re: cant_remember]
cant_remember Offline
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Registered: 02/26/05
Posts: 1039
Kevin,

Agreed. Puffer is one of the most important role models we have in recovery.

Puffer, thanks for the timeline. I did not know about your multiple stints in CO until you spelled it out here for me.

Fight Club is not a serious movie or really that important, certainly not as it relates to DID. It uses DID as a metaphor to explain our culture, not as an exploration into DID itself. However, by talking about Fight Club, I am breaking its first rule.

Cant
_________________________
Recovery is possible. Hang in there, brothers.

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#429738 - 04/01/13 02:10 PM Re: My Dissociation symptoms [Re: cant_remember]
pufferfish Offline
Member
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Registered: 02/26/08
Posts: 6818
Loc: USA
Cant and KMCINVA

Thank you for your encouragement.

I just corrected a few errors in my timeline and added a few details.

Puffer

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#429739 - 04/01/13 02:16 PM Re: My Dissociation symptoms [Re: cant_remember]
KMCINVA Offline
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Registered: 08/31/11
Posts: 1558
Thanks--20 years--I guess I am just beginning my therapy journey--2 years to date.

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#429848 - 04/02/13 04:49 PM Re: My Dissociation symptoms [Re: cant_remember]
Daniel_forgotten Offline


Registered: 02/07/09
Posts: 479
I hadn't been reading this thread, I think I'm trying to forget I suffer from DID (Charles speaking)

thanks Cant and all for encouraging others to look at this problem as something you can actually go through without dying in the attempt.

I've read a bit about it thanks to Puffer but a lot of my "alters" still try to deny we are multiple. The Original one, for example, he believes he has schizophrenia and the voices are just that. That's what he was told by our father and the doctors, father's friends.

I (Charles) have a twin, Daniel, the one that usually interacts here. We both were "born" when the body was chronologically 13 years old. We were amnesic about everything prior that point. We didn't know our name, we didn't know if we had a family or what had happened during childhood. We woke up in a hospital bed and couldn't walk or speak for sometime. We had also forgotten how to read and write. I think that was interesting. We recovered that knowledge little by little. It took us 5 years and a encounter with our father to remember our childhood and to discover we had DID.

Daniel and I became the main personality at 13 then, we work as a team. He manages the internal systems and I deal with the external world. I am a nice and relaxed 21 year old guy, I can go and buy stuff to cook dinner, I can drive, I can talk and smile to people, I can work, I know we have to clean the body everyday, I know we should go to bed at midnight, I am interested in the news, I can make calls, I like to go out with girls, I can even make friends easily. Daniel can't do anything of the above, but he controls everything inside so I can be a "normal" guy out there. I know his task is not easy. He was adicted to drugs from almost 13, he drinks until he falls asleep, he cuts and burns himself, he deals with other personalities. He knows a lot of what happened to us as children and later. I don't and I'm not supposed to, so I don't even read our posts in this site. I know some bad things happened but I don't need to know anything of that. My task is not easy either. Whenever it is too much for Daniel and he gets overwhelmed, I "shut down" and go somewhere safe, so we leave "open floor" for others to take over. This usually happens at midnight. (local midnight wherever we are).

We count around 30 personalities although we don't really know them all. The actual original one is a 2.5 year old who can't speak and is a younger version of what I previously called "The original". There are 3 animals and 1 fantastic being among our personalities, and many children of all ages.

We do dissociate in a way sometimes we don't know what is happening, especially when there's "open floor". That's why docs said we were not able to live on our own, it can be dangerous for others and for ourselves. I believe some of our personalities can have obscure thoughts. Sometimes we (Daniel+Charles)"wake up" to learn we have lost some days. They do have different tastes and fears, the Original one needs glasses while we don't.

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#429854 - 04/02/13 05:08 PM Re: My Dissociation symptoms [Re: cant_remember]
cant_remember Offline
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Registered: 02/26/05
Posts: 1039
Charles and Daniel,

It is so good to hear from you guys. I would also like to say hello to your Original self and to the children inside you and to the fantastic being that has taken up residence inside your identity matrix.

All of my parts -- my adult self, my child self and my dark self (who I call Izzy) -- are all co-present here now saying hello to all the parts of you.

We love all of you, even the dark parts and the parts that hurt. We love your Original self and the parts he had to create in order to survive.

All of us love all of you.

Cant
_________________________
Recovery is possible. Hang in there, brothers.

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#429863 - 04/02/13 06:51 PM Re: My Dissociation symptoms [Re: cant_remember]
Zug Offline


Registered: 02/18/13
Posts: 56
Loc: Progress
Reading threads like this scares me, I have some of the symptoms, have had similar feelings, emotions. One of the things that has always scared me is this; I am a kind, nurturing person, educated, articulate, etc. but when I am in certain situations where I perceive danger or there is danger I turn into something completely different, sometjing people shrink from, even if I protect them in that dangerous situation. I have gotten into physical altercstions (not started by me) and cannot remember what happened. I have holes in my childhood memory, and grey spots that cause my mind to literally shrink from them. There are other memories that were 'altered' by me afterwards. The 'real version' of these events have come back recently and are very difficult to deal with. I will say I have never been a bully was always crazy protective of others and totally unafraid of death or physical harm in a way that I cannot explain and has surprised others. I,dont mention any of this to sound 'bad' or whatever, these things have caused me great confusion and difficulty over the years. Can anyone relate to any of this?
_________________________
"what matters most is how well you walk through the fire"
-Charles Bukowski


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#430278 - 04/05/13 09:37 PM Re: My Dissociation symptoms [Re: cant_remember]
cant_remember Offline
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Registered: 02/26/05
Posts: 1039
I'm up to 10 mg/day of the naltrexone. Didn't feel any real effects of it until therapy session today.

At the end of the session, Izzy came out and was hurting me, but then time was up and we had to go. I stood to collect my things, but then Izzy brought me back down onto my hands and knees. My T talked me up, and asked me if I wanted to sit in the other room to collect myself and if I wanted a cup of water. I replied, "Yes ma'am."

I have never said "yes ma'am" to her before. And also, she's never engaged my child self in the sessions, only me and Izzy. So I've never had the opportunity to say "yes ma'am" to her because only my child self would say that.

So there in her office, Izzy presented himself and shut my adult self down, but my time was up and I had to go, so my child self picked me up and walked me out into the next office, where my T brought me some water. I wouldn't have known the difference if it wasn't for the "yes ma'am."

I think the naltrexone is making Izzy more powerful. But I don't fear it. I am becoming him, whatever that means.

Cant


Edited by cant_remember (04/05/13 09:38 PM)
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Recovery is possible. Hang in there, brothers.

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#430298 - 04/05/13 11:59 PM Re: My Dissociation symptoms [Re: cant_remember]
pufferfish Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/08
Posts: 6818
Loc: USA
I've become pretty convinced that I have an izzy in there somewhere and that I've never met him. My T is trying to work with me on this. I bolted from him (the T) a number of years ago because of a number of reasons. Multiples are usually very suspicious and bolt easily. That is the opposite of what they need to do. When the T started working with me on alters (alternate personalities) I had about a dozen, most of which were children. I learned from T how to put myself into deep relaxation and then bringing out an alter. I started doing this at home. The best treatment, at least for me, was to talk to the child alters gently, while playing child music, and convince them that they needed to integrate with the adult guy (me). That worked marvelously and finally I felt only like two, adult and a little boy who was 12 and had horrible memories and feelings from the horrible abuse at age 12. Finally that problem was mostly solved by EMDR. EMDR blended the horrible memories and feelings with the adult person. It worked except I had lots of loose memory tags which weren't connected. The last EMDR session tried to solve the problem of a horrific terror I experienced the last evening of the torture and abuse at the scout camp. That EMDR failed and I ended up turning into a new person in order to escape that pain.

Puffer

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