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#428725 - 03/22/13 03:57 PM Help, Kinda scared
txb Offline


Registered: 02/03/13
Posts: 184
I just sort of told someone about what happened to me when I was about 4. Actually not what happened, but just that something did happen. I told him I didn't know what I was going to do yet. He said he thought I should at least tell my dad. But I can't. I already had to tell him that one of his friends did stuff to me. I don't want to completely kill him. So then i had to go and lie down because I had a headache. Which I've had all day. Then I told myself what happened. And I wish I hadn't. Its not the worst thing that ever happened to anyone, but I really didn't need a full on reconstruction of it in my head. This is the first time I'd actually gone through the whole thing from start to finish and all this stuff just came from nowhere and added itself on to the story.

Now he's going to be home any minute and he's going to come up here and complain about me being lazy because I'm in bed. And I don't think I can even look at him without acting weird. If he thinks I have been crying he is going to ask me what is wrong and I can't even think of a good lie. Except that my head really hurts. I'm scared. Like really really scared from imagining it again and really scared about saying anything. Maybe I might tell him, I just don't want to be forced to do it right this very minute.

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#428727 - 03/22/13 04:06 PM Re: Help, Kinda scared [Re: txb]
Jude Offline


Registered: 08/09/12
Posts: 1478
Loc: New England
Hi txb,

Sorry to hear you're having such a tough time right now, but it took alot of courage to post this request for help. There no "have to" about disclosing to others. But my experience, and that of many others here is that you decide when, and to who you disclose based on what's best for YOU, not anybody else. Your job is to do whatever you have to to bring healing to your life, not worry about how someone else will react to the news.

Remember, you are only as sick as your secrets.

Jude
_________________________
"But now old friends are acting strange,
they shake their heads, they say I've changed.
Something's lost but something's gained in living every day
....it's life's illusions I recall, I really don't know life at all. "
Joni Mitchell

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#428728 - 03/22/13 04:12 PM Re: Help, Kinda scared [Re: txb]
newground Offline
Chatroom Moderator
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 10/11/11
Posts: 749
Loc: michigan
hey txb
Just breathe man! so often our minds make these things out far worse than they are, it is a very difficult place to be sure, but it does not show on our faces man. he can not tell by looking at you. I hope that you can just be calm. this was never your secret to keep man the perps do it and leave us to cove for them. if you choose to tell then do it and know that you did not hurt your dad in any way your perp did. small difference maybe but it is huge in one way. it helps you remember ,it was NOT your fault.
be well Jeff
_________________________
Towards thee I roll, thou all-destroying but unconquering whale; to the last I grapple with thee; from hell's heart I stab at thee; for hate's sake I spit my last breath at thee. let me then tow to pieces, while still chasing thee, thou damned whale! Thus, I give up the spear!"
Herman Melville

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#428729 - 03/22/13 04:15 PM Re: Help, Kinda scared [Re: txb]
peroperic2009 Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/11
Posts: 3600
Loc: South-East Europe
Hey Txb, you are not alone, we are here with you.
Please try to calm yourself somehow. It seems like you retraumatized yourself with those memories, it happens many times frown
If your father would ask you just say that you need to be alone or something like that.
Everything will alright!

(((Txb)))
_________________________
My story

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#428730 - 03/22/13 04:18 PM Re: Help, Kinda scared [Re: txb]
SoccerStar Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/15/12
Posts: 915
Loc: New York
TXB,

If it feels wrong to disclose then DON'T! But you also can't force back the bad feelings when they are demanding attention or (very very unfortunately) the memories when the bough breaks.

Let yourself cry or deal with it in whatever HEALTHILY relaxing manner you can. If your dad notices your emotional state, say you were thinking about some of the stuff he does know about. If he's a dad worth a dime, he'll comfort you.

It isn't always this bad. You can feel better than this - healthily.

Matt
_________________________
My story

"Don't think it hasn't been a little slice of heaven just because it hasn't!" --Bugs Bunny

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#428734 - 03/22/13 06:38 PM Re: Help, Kinda scared [Re: txb]
genedebs Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/09/12
Posts: 285
Loc: MO
Hey TXB

Don't rely too much on your fears or even your solutions. Everyone is telling you that disclosure is yours not anyone elses. Your father has no right to them. They are yours.

If he cannot accept your need to be alone, just leave, You need space. If you can calm yourself, great. If you can meditate and find peace, great.

Try not to solve you fear with drugs or alcohol, it will make you more vulnerable. You are in fear and need safety. Finding a safe place is your highest priority. Later, when you are safe you can think about what will help.

I know it would be nice if you could depend on those who are close to comfort you, that was not my experience so I hope you do not feel that is your only source.

Perhaps you have peers with similar stories, or people you can play with and not think too much

Good luck

Remember, we are here to support you.

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#428744 - 03/22/13 08:31 PM Re: Help, Kinda scared [Re: txb]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3319
Loc: back in the USA
i realize i am coming in later on this. but i notice something that the others hadn't mentioned - probly because it wasn't the most urgent and pressing need at the time:
Originally Posted By: txb
Then I told myself what happened. And I wish I hadn't. Its not the worst thing that ever happened to anyone, but I really didn't need a full on reconstruction of it in my head. This is the first time I'd actually gone through the whole thing from start to finish and all this stuff just came from nowhere and added itself on to the story.

this - although it is really difficult and painful to do - is actually a very important step - and one that will be beneficial to you in the long term process of healing. you gotta deal with the truth - the whole truth, etc. once the immediate need of dealing with the emotions of looking at the whole story - and dealing with the anxiety of telling or not telling, and when - all subside, you will find that the story you have told yourself is something you can now deal with more effectively.

please tell us how it all plays out with dad.

all my best wishes to you -
Lee
_________________________
We are often troubled, but not crushed;
sometimes in doubt, but never in despair;
there are many enemies, but we are never without a friend;
and though badly hurt at times, we are not destroyed.
- Paul, II Cor 4:8-9

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#428760 - 03/22/13 10:06 PM Re: Help, Kinda scared [Re: txb]
txb Offline


Registered: 02/03/13
Posts: 184
Thank you all so much. Iím still in the same position as I was a couple of hours ago though. My dad went out with some friends after work so I didnít have to see him. He came home about 20 minutes ago so I faked I was asleep. He has to work tomorrow so I wonít see him till tomorrow evening. I have just stayed in bed. I have tons of stuff to do but Iím trying not to think of it as a waste of time. I donít know why this feels so bad. Itís hardly anything compared to other things that happened to me. I donít cry about any of that stuff. That just made my headache worse.

I know itís not my fault and itís not me that will hurt my dad if I told him. But it will hurt him and its not like I want that whether its caused by me or someone else. We argued a lot recently and we just fixed it up a couple of days ago. I don't know what else to say right now. I'm just going to try and sleep.

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#428766 - 03/22/13 10:59 PM Re: Help, Kinda scared [Re: txb]
cant_remember Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/05
Posts: 1039
((((( txb )))))

Hang in there, brother. This could be an opportunity to grow closer with your father. You need to share, and he needs to hear it.

Cant
_________________________
Recovery is possible. Hang in there, brothers.

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#428876 - 03/23/13 11:09 PM Re: Help, Kinda scared [Re: txb]
txb Offline


Registered: 02/03/13
Posts: 184
Its really late and i hate typing on my phone. But i just wanted to make a quick update and say that i told. Yeah! And i didnt die. Today has been awesome and terrible at the same time. Not sure what is going to happen now but i'm going to go and try to sleep. Hopefully i can now that i'm not worrying about this. Thanks for all the support.

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#428884 - 03/24/13 01:33 AM Re: Help, Kinda scared [Re: txb]
cant_remember Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/05
Posts: 1039
(((( txb ))))

Congrats, brother.

You're doing great.

Cant
_________________________
Recovery is possible. Hang in there, brothers.

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#428886 - 03/24/13 02:42 AM Re: Help, Kinda scared [Re: txb]
peroperic2009 Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/11
Posts: 3600
Loc: South-East Europe
Wow that is great news !
(((txb)))

you were very brave, here is standing ovation for you wink

Clap Clap Clap clap clap!!!
Clap Clap Clap clap clap!!!
Clap Clap Clap clap clap!!!


Pero
_________________________
My story

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#428990 - 03/24/13 09:12 PM Re: Help, Kinda scared [Re: txb]
txb Offline


Registered: 02/03/13
Posts: 184
Thank you. I just donít feel as good about it today as I did yesterday. I actually told my girlfriend who is probably the last person Iíd want to tell but she turned out to be the best. I donít think she ever saw me cry before and I donít feel very good about that. I know everyone cries sometimes but I donít like it. I think I maybe scared her a bit. She thought I should tell my dad. When he got in from work I asked her to tell him to come up. So then I was in my room by myself and I felt like jumping out the window to escape, but even the cat struggles to fit out of it so I had no choice but to wait for them to come back up. I mostly got her to tell him in the end. I think that was maybe better. Then he was hugging me and saying stuff to me, like I actually was 4 again, which was really kind of dorky and embarrassing in front of my girlfriend.

After a couple of minutes he started asking me about the other person. And just generally threatening all kinds of stuff to him. My girlfriend, because she is awesome, told him that really wasnít the most important thing right now, so he dropped it. After that we made him go out for Chinese food. I was really hungry because I hadnít eaten all day, so we broke into an easter egg while we waited, then that reminded me about my uncle bribing me with a chocolate egg when I complained. Which made me feel pretty sick and then I couldnít eat anything for a couple more hours.

Last night my dad stayed up late talking to me, just telling me that he thought I was doing an awesome job of handling things. Which is completely untrue. But he has to say that because he is my dad and heíd get fired if he didnít say it. I wish it was true though.

I donít know why this seems so bad. Like on a scale of 1 to 10 of stuff that happened to me it was pretty much like a 2, till I remembered what the chocolate bribe was for, which probably bumped it to a 3. Maybe 4 just for the fact they were horrible to me. But much worse stuff has happened to me and I donít feel this bad about it. I donít feel better at all from telling. Probably I feel worse. If I could make it through maybe 20 minutes without crying I would be really ecstatic.

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#428995 - 03/24/13 09:32 PM Re: Help, Kinda scared [Re: txb]
Farmer Boy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/23/12
Posts: 442
Loc: Australia
txb

Just want to say how proud I am of you.

You have some great support there in your girlfriend and dad which helps.

The pain you are feeling will subside in time. It is a wave you just have to ride.

I can really identify with what you are saying about this 4 year old stuff feeling worse but not actually being the worst that happened to you.

The stuff that happened to me at 3 (even though I have no clear memories of it) was 'mild' in comparison to the stuff in the years to follow. But it hurts me the most. It could be because it was the first time I was abused and the shock that someone could betray such an innocent child. The thought that my innocence was lost so young and what hope was there for me. IDK.

FWIW - I think you are doing an awesome job of handling things... and the fact that you are dealing with it now means you have the best chance of having a bright future.

Lee
_________________________
More than meets the eye!

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#429035 - 03/25/13 06:44 AM Re: Help, Kinda scared [Re: txb]
DavoSwim Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/06/13
Posts: 315
Loc: Iowa, USA
Lee,
Your summary of your experience at 3 is so profound. How it is not the severity of the action, but your age and your degree of innocence which define the extent of hurt it caused. That is a powerful summary of your experience.
Dave

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#429140 - 03/26/13 02:02 AM Re: Help, Kinda scared [Re: txb]
pufferfish Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/08
Posts: 6815
Loc: USA
Originally Posted By: txb
I just sort of told someone about what happened to me when I was about 4. Actually not what happened, but just that something did happen.
<<<...>>>

Some excellent advice has already been given you on this.

It just reminds me of my approach to early abuse. I told the T that I was probably abused that young but that I couldn't remember it. He started using deep relaxation with me. It was explained that it was light hypnotism. The early abuse came up and it solved a lot of the mysteries. Now I think I need some more of that therapy. I'm afraid that the guy who made the kiddie porn films when I was 4 might have done stuff that I can't remember. The fact that I'm so bothered about it may mean that he did do stuff. frown It's that usual fear I had about bringing up new memories. But after they came up they were amenable to solution.

Puffer



Edited by pufferfish (03/26/13 02:05 AM)

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#429216 - 03/26/13 06:28 PM Re: Help, Kinda scared [Re: pufferfish]
pufferfish Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/08
Posts: 6815
Loc: USA
I've been reading a book about DID. It is First Person Plural, By Cameron West. The title of the book isn't catchy, but the book is very interesting and very helpful. He was a victim of mother abuse (incest) at an early age. He describes the multiple personalities and how they appear. He describes how the condition appeared and how it affected his job, his wife, his young son, and everything else.

I haven't quite finished this book, but I know enough about it to recommend it highly. One of the things that we survivors who have DID or DIDNOS can use to help ourselves is to read books such as this.

This is an important book on DID.

http://www.amazon.com/First-Person-Plural-Life-Multiple/dp/B000FDFWN2/

Puffer


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