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#428375 - 03/18/13 03:18 PM His fault when I was child - Mine as an adult
SouthernLaw Offline


Registered: 12/30/12
Posts: 12
Loc: Arkansas
I am going to just put it out there..... I think I can understand that as a child I was manipulated. The sexual encounters between myself and my abuser lasted 7yrs from the age of 8 until I was 14.

The real self destructive nightmare that haunts me is the sexual conduct that occurred between my abuser and myself when I was in my early 20s.

Dont ask me what I was thinking when I "CONSENTED" to sexual activity with this man after so many years. The truth is I was thinking about everything.... all of it: the physical love and pain, the emotional loneliness, hurt and love AND I was also thinking that as an adult the proverbial ball would be in my court. That after having sex with him on my terms by my choice that my life would then belong to me. Well it still doesn't to this day.

I gave my soul away when I engaged in a sexual activity with him as an adult. This one moment mitigated the self loathing and shame that consumes me today. I have no one to blame but myself. I dont think I can ever be a "survivor" of this.

What is wrong with me?? By all account (on the outside) I have an amazing life. I look at photos and think "who is that guy".
_________________________
As a recovering alcoholic and addict, I have found it difficult to learn to live with "feelings". I am still very emotionally "sick". So I am left with the question, "Now what". I can deal with the vicious cycle of being raped then loved but it is the fall out from the past that hurts me today.

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#428394 - 03/18/13 09:16 PM Re: His fault when I was child - Mine as an adult [Re: SouthernLaw]
ThisMan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/22/13
Posts: 758
Loc: upper south
Southern-

First things first... you, as in YOU, the boy, did not give your soul away to this man. He SEXUALLY ASSAULTED you at the age of 8 until you were 14. He STOLE from you.

Lots of seconds, but most importantly, guy- You are now, today, a survivor of child sexual assault. You have survived. (((SL)))... I am proud to meet you, fellow survivor.

You aren't familiar with me, but here I am. I am a survivor of CSA. I find that the longer I use MS, the more angry I become when I see so much hurt caused by men who have gotten their sexual pleasure from little boys. And I want you to know, I still fall into the trap of despair you voiced sometime. For you I am angry that this has happened. I am angry this man manipulated you into a feeling of trust so he could again use you. Its set off a trigger in me.

And so what if you "consented" to being with him for a few times in your early twenties? It happens far more than we may think, and you said yourself you were looking for certain things. You wanted love, of course you did. You wanted to fill the emotional loneliness- of course you did. And you thought when you were a boy he had cared for you. Of course you did. We know from experience. HE manipulated you. Try hard to give yourself a break on that. He manipulated you, doesn't matter if you consented or not... he manipulated.


I didn't return to my abuser(s), but I just as well had. When I found myself single, I went looking for the same things you did. I was/am lost in a world of grownups and the little boy emotions came to direct me. I have the same end results as you. The control did not become ours. But it can be. But it will be, if we want it bad enough. And I hear in your "voice" that you want it bad enough. I know I do.

I am sorry you are in so much pain because of this.

You are a survivor. You will see one day that these feelings of despair will begin to dissipate.

It has taken me decades to simply face the pain I have kept inside. Cuddos for you big guy for sharing how you feel today. Begin to think about not accepting the blame and giving it to the man that sexualized and objectified an 8 year old boy... HE is the one to blame. Just say that to yourself. HE is the one to blame... HE had sex with an 8 year old boy. HE is a criminal......

Keep posting. Share your pain and your fears. The guys around here will indeed build you up. ....b
_________________________
For now we see through a glass, darkly.



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#428444 - 03/19/13 02:25 PM Re: His fault when I was child - Mine as an adult [Re: SouthernLaw]
Jude Offline


Registered: 08/09/12
Posts: 1369
Loc: New England
Originally Posted By: SouthernLaw
I gave my soul away when I engaged in a sexual activity with him as an adult. This one moment mitigated the self loathing and shame that consumes me today. I have no one to blame but myself. I dont think I can ever be a "survivor" of this.

Hey SouthernLaw,

Many of us have had similar experiences, either with our abuser, or a substitute (in my case more substitutes than I can remember). In either case this acting out is (according to my T) an effort to "recreate" the abusive situation, in such a way that we can be in control, and perhaps have a different outcome. But the control is an illusion, and the outcome is always the same: self-loathing and shame.

Yes, you can recover from this. It starts with recognizing that the forces driving you to this behavior as an adult stem directly from being sexually abused as a boy, and then forgiving yourself for acting out sexually this way. It doesn't happen overnight, but it can happen over time. Give yourself a chance.

Jude
_________________________
"When I was a child
I caught a fleeting glimpse
Out of the corner of my eye
I turned to look but it was gone
I cannot put my finger on it now
The child is grown, the dream is gone
And I have become comfortably numb."
Pink Floyd

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#428537 - 03/20/13 04:53 PM Re: His fault when I was child - Mine as an adult [Re: SouthernLaw]
OCN Offline


Registered: 02/05/13
Posts: 185
Loc: Western Europe
i started to realize lately that i've been acting out on myself in various ways..

But as said, nothing wrong with you!


Edited by OCN (03/20/13 06:31 PM)

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