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#428504 - 03/20/13 09:46 AM My acting out was hidden in plain sight *TRIGGERS
Suwanee Offline
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MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/30/12
Posts: 691
Loc: Southeast USA
MULTIPLE TRIGGERS

I read SoccerStar's post on dental/medical procedure triggers. I almost responded there, but I didn't want to hijack that topic since it is common to many abuse survivors. My experience with this is a little different. I have no idea how many of you have encountered this. I shared my thoughts with a couple of fellow MSers this week by PM. In the process of doing that, I came to a startling realization; I have responded to the CSA by acting out in ways that are hidden in plain sight. This post is almost as difficult to write as my actual CSA disclosure. Looking back, I see that I have posted elements of this on MS, but I have just now connected the dots.

It

Going back to the summer of the CSA... I turned 13 when my parents were packing to move cross-country to California for my dad's job. Two days later, I left for a whole summer session at camp while they got settled. I was miserable about the move and vulnerable. At camp, a counselor exploited this and abused me repeatedly---culminating with rape. I told no one. After scrubbing after his attack, I responded by avoiding taking showers--in hopes the perp would be repulsed. He wasn't. He said he liked "my musky boy smell." Damn, I can't believe typed that. I am...really triggered by those words---more so than I expected. But, that's what the bastard said. He was/is a true hebephile.

All I ended up with was balantitis--an inflammation of the foreskin.

When I finally got home, I had a week or so before school started. I finally told my mom I needed to go to the doctor about my "problem." She took me to a (new to me) doctor where the balantitis was diagnosed. The nurse called my mom to the exam room and told her what I had. That was extremely embarrassing for a 13 year old boy! The nurse then said she was going to do a urethral swab to screen for STDs. She said this RIGHT IN FRONT OF MY MOTHER. She turned way as the nurse did the uncomfortable as hell swab. What the hell?? So it began. I was in all likelihood suffering from PTSD from camp when I went through this.

Just a few days later, I started a new middle school. Middle school is difficult anyway, but a strange middle school was even worse. I responded by trying out for the football team--and becoming a starting wide receiver. I loved athletics---swimming, football, baseball...water polo.

Snap Crackle Pop

Football was my "in" until I took a helmet-to helmet hit during a game just as I caught a pass in double coverage. That hit did two things. It gave me a concussion and it tore the meniscus in my left knee. It popped, I fell to the turf, and the football season was over. My dad drove me to the ER where we got the bad news. Soon after I had surgery to remove the damaged cartilage. This is where "it" started, "it" being acting out for attention.

I went in for surgery for the first time ever. I was of course anxious. I distinctly remember the bright lights of the OR, the green tile walls, the vulnerability and loss of control. Despite the pre-op valium, I was severely triggered. The anesthesiologist pressed a mask over my face and told me to breathe some pure oxygen deeply for a few minutes. He was chatty. He said it would give him extra time to get a breathing tube in because I would be unable to breathe for myself. During this time, "California Dreaming" by the Mamas and the Papas was playing in the OR. He injected the thiopental and I knew nothing until I woke up two hours later in pain. I was totally dependent on the hospital staff. I couldn't walk, I could hardly talk with an oxygen mask on my face, I couldn't drink anything-hydration and pain meds were taken care of through the IV.

Peeing into a bag means you have no control

I had a catheter in my bladder that was draining into a bag hanging on the bedside. No control. Even as a kid, I was the type who didn't want to be confined or controlled by others. This time I had no choice...and I actually began to enjoy it. Relieved of command wasn't a disgrace, it felt like...well...relief. What was going on here? I was re-creating the abuse...or at least re-creating the loss of control. Nurses came and went, checking the catheter...tugging on it, swabbing my penis...I protested, but why did I not really mind? Only this week have I viewed this episode as possibly one of "acting out."

Good Years

Jump ahead with me. I continued to try to be all things athletic and academic through high school. As someone on MS told me, "I pursued academic and athletic success--'manly' pursuits like outdoor expeditions--hiking and sailing. I went to boarding school and did great. My parents moved back east, so things were much better. College options opened up--and I got into a great school. I hiked the AT which was a great self-discovery endeavor. CSA seemed to be left in the past.

It wasn't

Get rid of the "Problem"
The perp who raped me was fascinated with my foreskin. Newborn circumcision rates in the US peaked in the early 70s. That meant I was something of a black swan. I wasn't embarrassed by it, but the perp couldn't get enough of it. Not bathing wasn't enough to repel him, so years later when I was in college, I had sex for the first time--well, sex on MY terms. The girl...oh, let's call her Lori had never seen an uncircumcised penis. She made such a big deal about it that I was once again self-conscious about it. Instead of attracting someone (like the perp), it repelled someone I wanted to be with. That was all kinds of effed up. For those who don't know already--I went to the student health center complaining about my foreskin and was referred to a urologist. He was an older man and very sympathetic. His suggestion: circumcision. I impulsively had it done as a college freshman. I also regretted it almost immediately. The physical pain was bad, but I went from fully intact to having no trace of a foreskin left at all. None. I mourned the loss. Perhaps it was more impulsive than acting out, but it was the latest in a string of embarrassing episodes. I wanted to get rid of what seemed to attract the perp, and what repelled young women.

Selling the Drama

In college, the newfound freedom led to more acting out. It started with a simple sign on a bulletin board that cryptically read, "The Evaluation of Pain." It was a research study seeking student volunteers for an experiment.

It also paid participants for their "trouble." I had an academic scholarship, I worked summers, and my parents sent money my way, but extra money was always nice. I called the number and was led to an obscure wing of an obscure building in a hidden corner of campus. The researcher asked me some questions and ultimately invited me back the next day. As I left she admonished me to wear something comfortable for my appointment. So it began. I showed up in a T-shirt and Umbro soccer shorts expecting who knows what. For me, I ended up having to immerse my hand in extremely cold water while I answered a series of questions. I left with $25 in my pocket. Not bad for an hour's work.

I looked for more-and there was no shortage of university researchers using NSF and pharma grants. I did several each semester---not drug trials or anything like that, but experiments that were somewhat embarrassing and awkward. There was always some sense of losing control---even if I could withdraw at any time.

One experiment I signed up for called for sub-elite athletes, but otherwise fit people to exercise to complete exhaustion on a stationary bike while wearing a mask delivering various percentages of oxygen. The clinicians repeatedly drew blood from an iv to measure lactic acid and other parameters as we exercised to exhaustion. If you have seen the move version of "The Right Stuff", you no doubt remember the medical screening for the astronauts. This was a lot like that.

Another experiment I eagerly signed up for evaluated sperm parameters among college students. It was just what it sounds like-a small room and a small jar twice a week after 3 day's abstinence. I did this for several weeks--nothing like getting on a J/O schedule set by someone else. I was also selected to wear a SUPER snug jock/suspensory thing 24/7 to see if that impacted sperm health. Sure, sign me up for that. Whatever. My sex life is already tied to Room 303 in an unnamed building. How clinical and emotionless.

You fly this plane for a while

There were more, but these stand out most. I eventually left most of these behind as I went on through college. The fact remains that I now see this as acting out. Until very recently, I read "acting out" posts on MS, but usually put them in the "Does not Apply to Me" file. Like the high-powered CEO, the hotshot lawyer, pilot or whatever who always seems to be in charge, I see that I'm probably like that as well. Several years ago, I watched a documentary on dominatrixes--yes I did. The segment focused on one of those large and in charge guys who visited a dominatrix to let someone else take control--to give him a break from the grind. Damn. I see it. I haven't visited a dominatrix, but...I sometimes ask my wife to "take charge" sometimes.

The hard realization is that I channeled my post CSA acting out through legitimate means. I SOLD MY BODY FOR CASH. It was legitimate, legal and sanctioned by the university research board, but I LET MYSELF BE ABUSED-again and again. I know re-creating the CSA can come in all kinds of forms, but this was a shock to me.I haven't done this sort of thing since college, but it has a place in my evolution. Understanding this is also real progress that I share with you. I'm the type of person who has to understand to move forward. This helps tremendously.

Will
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#428559 - 03/20/13 11:34 PM Re: My acting out was hidden in plain sight *TRIGGERS [Re: Suwanee]
BraveFalcon Offline
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Registered: 02/25/13
Posts: 1092
Loc: The ATL
Hi Will. Wow, what an intelligent and insightful post! I want you to know that I did read your story the other day and, while I could not quite find the words to respond to it with at the time, I can clearly see the parallels you've drawn here between your abuse and your "unique" methods of acting-out. It is a little hard for me to relate, as a lot of my acting-out, or at least my desires to, have been of the more classic and less healthy variety. Still, your post made me want to look deeper and explore the possibility that there may have been things I've been doing for years that have been subconscious forms of acting-out without even realizing I'm doing it.

The good news is, you seem to have a crystal clear perspective of your inner motivations and know yourself very well. That's not something everyone can say. That type of intrapersonal intelligence isn't what I'd call common, although I believe it's more common among CSA survivors as many of us developed it as a survival skill and a post-survival healing mechanism. I suppose that type of intelligence is forced to develop when you're all alone in your head and feel like you have only yourself to rely on.

Anyway, good read, good post and definitely food for though. Take care. Peace,

Ken

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#428575 - 03/21/13 04:24 AM Re: My acting out was hidden in plain sight *TRIGGERS [Re: Suwanee]
Publius Offline
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Registered: 03/13/12
Posts: 396
Loc: OH
I remember awhile back reading about your circumcision in college and how it left you feeling. Reading through your post I think you are spot on about the control aspect of your acting out. I am happy you came to this realization and are exploring how it affected your life. You really put it together well chronologically (CSA -> sports focus -> control issues) and it makes sense as a survival technique. Not all acting out is SSA and CSA does not only lead to acting out but rather a whole bunch of other possible psychological/physical problems. The fact that you have grabbed ahold of some of yours so well is really encouraging : )
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"Life is like this dark tunnel. You may not always see the light at the end of the tunnel, but if you keep moving, you will come to a better place." ~ General Iroh

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#428583 - 03/21/13 06:07 AM Re: My acting out was hidden in plain sight *TRIGGERS [Re: Suwanee]
peroperic2009 Offline
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Registered: 10/09/11
Posts: 3600
Loc: South-East Europe
Hey Will this is so insightful topic.
Maybe it wasn't acting out in terms of being driven under some lustful feelings and losing control to it but definitely in terms of being somehow hurt and losing part of self (literally) it is. So in that sense your experience overlaps with other survivors.
I see that some survivors are more channeling their energy and traumatic conflicts toward outside which includes dealing with repeating risky experiences with other people. But some are exclusively self oriented meaning isolation from other people in some illogical search for self confirmation that many times includes some kind of self hurting.
In any case we are trying to "see" what will happen and try to repeat it.

While reading your post it reminded me about some my strange play with giving control back than at college.
During my studying I felt in love to girl friend with whom I spent countless nights in doing homework and preparing for tests.
Many times some situation would repeat and I was never sure why and how. She was very dominant girl but relating to studying she would lean on me as we would do it together and I was always helping her.
Basically I would give her all may notes and books (as some crazy act of love) just to make her feel more confident and better even that would mean that I would be under stress as I couldn't learn and read things for test on my own. I knew that I'm giving my self totally to her control, in some way I didn't like it but I repeated it many times. I'm shameful to admit but that masochist platonic relationship lasted for years.

Who knows how many our acts could be seen as form of acting out after we become aware of problems with abuse and long lasting scars. Just my two cents.

Pero
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#428592 - 03/21/13 09:34 AM Re: My acting out was hidden in plain sight *TRIGGERS [Re: Suwanee]
KMCINVA Offline
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Registered: 08/31/11
Posts: 1554
Will

Thank you--it sheds light that acting out the pain is not always the more known or expected ways. Pain becomes a part of our iife --be it physical or emotional. It is a way to escape. Being re-victimized or subjecting oneself to pain in some distorted way is to recreate the sensation or feeling of being controlled like we were as a child. Your words and thoughts made me realize it. I too hear many say they have not acted out but probably in some way the have acted out to relieve or relive the pain and hurt. Thank you for sharing, it truly was helpful for me.

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#428602 - 03/21/13 10:46 AM Re: My acting out was hidden in plain sight *TRIGGERS [Re: Suwanee]
Chase Eric Offline
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Registered: 10/25/10
Posts: 1283
What an incredible post, Will! I relate on so many levels; it's as if we journeyed through our abuse in similar ways (acting out, over-achieving, thinking we were past the CSA issues until they kept resurfacing in our lives in other forms). I'm busting to write more here in response but am at work on my Android so this will have to do for now...
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#428606 - 03/21/13 11:05 AM Re: My acting out was hidden in plain sight *TRIGGERS [Re: Suwanee]
SoccerStar Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/15/12
Posts: 915
Loc: New York
Will,

The full "spectrum" of acting out hasn't really been explored here in detail - thanks for opening the door more broadly. Seems like after your abuse you were DOUBLY overcompensating: becoming a type-A academic / athletic goldenboy to get past the stain / stigma of the attack, and then having to compensate for *that* by signing up for some controlled pain / submission / exploitation, to help you pry off the confines of the mask.


Matt
_________________________
My story

"Don't think it hasn't been a little slice of heaven just because it hasn't!" --Bugs Bunny

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#428612 - 03/21/13 01:06 PM Re: My acting out was hidden in plain sight *TRIGGERS [Re: Suwanee]
DavoSwim Offline
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Registered: 02/06/13
Posts: 315
Loc: Iowa, USA


Edited by DavoSwim (03/22/13 02:46 AM)

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#428613 - 03/21/13 01:55 PM Re: My acting out was hidden in plain sight *TRIGGERS [Re: Suwanee]
cant_remember Offline
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Registered: 02/26/05
Posts: 1039
Hey Will,

Great post. You're really thinking through this stuff. I'm working on a new post, too. You've inspired me.

Cant
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#428614 - 03/21/13 02:17 PM Re: My acting out was hidden in plain sight *TRIGGERS [Re: Suwanee]
Suwanee Offline
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Registered: 10/30/12
Posts: 691
Loc: Southeast USA
I worried about posting this---as I always do. It was almost as hard as the initial abuse. It's a direct view into the messy inner workings of my mind. It's the old DOS that underlays the old Microsoft Windows.

It's easy to blame everything on CSA, but the pattern that has emerged for me over the last few months now seems very obvious. A number of you have mentioned that this twist on post-abuse behavior is thought-provoking. I hope that this sideways glance back at some of my past helps you as it has helped me. Truth be told, several recent threads and a series of PMs helped me get to this point. I won't mention them all, but I think it represents the best aspects of MS.

Matt, you nailed it. I reacted to the abuse by going all out as an overachiever. I tempered that response with my brand of acting out.

This is a real mess to think about. I feel like I have finally solved one level of a video game only to find that the next level is even more complicated.

Will


Edited by Suwanee (03/21/13 02:22 PM)
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Ruins of a past unknown-

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#428615 - 03/21/13 02:26 PM Re: My acting out was hidden in plain sight *TRIGGERS [Re: SoccerStar]
Farmer Boy Offline
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MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/23/12
Posts: 442
Loc: Australia
Originally Posted By: SoccerStar
Will,

The full "spectrum" of acting out hasn't really been explored here in detail - thanks for opening the door more broadly. Seems like after your abuse you were DOUBLY overcompensating: becoming a type-A academic / athletic goldenboy to get past the stain / stigma of the attack, and then having to compensate for *that* by signing up for some controlled pain / submission / exploitation, to help you pry off the confines of the mask.


Matt


I agree completely! Will what you have shared here is profound and insightful.

As fo me I can totally relate.

The word 'mask' really drove it home for me.

My way of coping was to live a double life. As a teen I did the 'nasty' type of acting out - basically prostitution without the cash but that was unseen. NOBODY ever knew about that and nobody but you guys and my T know that now.

BUT

That was just one side of me. I was two extremes in one body.

I became a huge overachiever ... I was another Type A student ... I was super religious ..... I volunteered for everything..... I excelled in Drama. I was the goldenboy. (I rembemer being called the 'golden haired boy' and not just because of the blonde highlights).

I had everyone fooled. But I was acting out in plain sight as well......

At 10 I had bad stomach pains (probably stress related PTSD or just constipation) they thought I had appendicitis. The doctor asked me to jump. Since it didn't make the pain worse it wasn't likely appendicitis....the next time he asked me to jump I made out it hurt more. I was looking for attention. I FAKED APPENDICITIS! They decided to take out my appendix. There was nothing wrong with it. I revelled in all the attention from the nurses at the hospital and now I had this cool scare. There was finally physical evidence of my pain.

I didn't sell the drama ... I gave it away (just like the other stuff)

When I was a teen and was diagnosed with (CFS) Chronic fatigue syndrome. I was terribly sick and missed about 6 months of school. Back in the late 80s it was called 'yuppie flu' or (ME) myalgic encephalomyelitis. No one knew anything about it back then - It was this new mystery disease. It seemed to affect young high acheivers (hence yuppie flu) but noone knew why. Makes me wonder if they just didn't ask the right questions. Maybe all these people really had PTSD because of CSA and were burning themselves out trying to coverup the past and prove that nothing was wrong with them. Anyway how this relates... I saw a doctor who was researching it. He had a 12 month waiting list but because of my age (15) I fitted the criteria for his research he would see me straight away. I became one of his guinea pigs. Every 2 months for 5 years or more I had a barrage of tests .. ECGs, EEGs, MRIs, 10 vials of blood taken. I would expose my self to such humiliation and 'abuse' every 8 weeks. I had to strip to my underwear for the ECGs and EEGs etc. I could have stopped at anytime but I didn't - I enjoyed the attention. I developed a close bond with the ladies that took my bloods - they were all motherly types. I would watch the blood coming out and fill the vials and feel utter relief. I was letting 'it' out. And it was perfectly legitimate and legal. The research was totally approved by the AMA. He would trial new drugs/vitamins on me and tweek the dose dependig on my results. To this day I don't know if any of it helped of not. I can see now that volunteering for that was a form of acting out. I avoided doctors for 10 years after that - didn't even have a check up.

So I have acted out in many ways to cope with what happened to me .... some hidden and some in plain sight. I have COMPLETELY taken the 'hardcore' version of acting out off my 'acting out menu' and I can see how these medical examples have been a part of my evolution as well. I am entering a new era of my recovery journey and I am determined to put the past behind me and learn new and 'safe' ways to cope.

Lee
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More than meets the eye!

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#428643 - 03/21/13 09:45 PM Re: My acting out was hidden in plain sight *TRIGGERS [Re: Suwanee]
traveler Offline
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Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3319
Loc: back in the USA
this has been an educational thread for me to read. i can intellectually understand it and see how it makes sense. i see little glimpses of reflections of myself in others' posts - but nothing whole or coherent.

i don't really know how much of my behavior and personality and drives are an inherent part of "me" - and how much is a result of CSA. it started when i was 5 1/2. i don't know who or what i was before that. and how much was a reaction to verbal or physical abuse or bullying? how can i even separate those other forms of abuse from the sekual kind - when it was perpetrated by the same people and usually occurred simultaneously? how much of my identity was inborn and how much was induced?

here is an idea that came to me as i was reading and rereading above: maybe my brand of "acting out" was exactly the opposite of what would be expected or meant by that term. i was the epitome of the "good boy" - i scrupulously followed all the rules - was punctual, did my household chores, completed my homework, raised my hand in class, worked for the merit badges, respected my elders, attended church and youth groups, obeyed every religious, legal and etiquette law and expectation. i excelled in academics, art and drama - as others above have mentioned.

but was that "acting out"? or was it over-compensation for feeling less than others? or was it a distraction and an escape from the unhappiness of my life? or was it just what most people saw as an admirable trait of trying to do my best in everything? i think it kept me sane and out of "trouble" in the more conventionally understood definition of the word - but i have no idea how much of "me" is innate - and how much was created or at least influenced by the early events?

i guess i ended up with more questions than answers - and maybe it doesn't even matter. it is what it is - and there's not much, if anything, i can do about it now. unless i need to do something totally BAD to negate the reverse acting out that was so goody-goody! (just being sarcastic)

Lee
_________________________
We are often troubled, but not crushed;
sometimes in doubt, but never in despair;
there are many enemies, but we are never without a friend;
and though badly hurt at times, we are not destroyed.
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#428662 - 03/22/13 02:49 AM Re: My acting out was hidden in plain sight *TRIGGERS [Re: Suwanee]
crazy gecko Offline


Registered: 10/04/12
Posts: 309
This thread makes me think about my own life... especially recent years.

When people discuss acting out, I always think of myself in my teens and twenties - doing drugs, being promiscuous, sabotaging any relationship where the other party showed genuine care/concern...

But this thread has made me think about how, after I quit drugs and went through a bit of therapy, I threw myself into my work. I worked like a slave and I based a lot of my self-worth on my successful career. I thought I was doing great. I was happy. I was successful and I earned good money. When my wife passed away, I scaled that down in order to be a better parent. I detached from my career somewhat... worked less hours, changed to a job with less pressure, shorter hours and less money. Is it a co-incidence that shortly after doing this, my abuse re-surfaced? Suddenly all those old feelings of inadequacy and self-loathing returned and started building up until I finally cracked all over again? Or was it simply the stress of loosing my wife, going through major surgery less than a year later, and adjusting to being a single parent through it all...

I really don't know. I've never considered this angle. I think I should bring this up in therapy sometime.
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#428674 - 03/22/13 07:26 AM Re: My acting out was hidden in plain sight *TRIGGERS [Re: crazy gecko]
Suwanee Offline
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MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/30/12
Posts: 691
Loc: Southeast USA
CG,

I think it is important to look for behaviors where past abuse is an identifiable cause. At the same time, it's important to understand what isn't related to CSA. You have been through the ringer. The stress you were under would put anybody---I mean anybody with or without CSA into a difficult situation. You had to redefine your "self". That's an immense task. No one can do that easily.

I don't want to lead you or anyone else down a road that you don't want to follow. This crazy stuff just came to me in the past two weeks, but I think on a deep, deep level I've known it for much longer. I had to cancel my T appt. this week, so I haven't really vetted this with her. I'm eager to get her response to it. She may say I'm in the weeds here, but for me, I think it is a breakthrough.

As they say, your mileage may vary, some assembly required, see store for details, not valid in Alaska, etc.

All the best.

Will
_________________________
Cruel Summer
My Journal

-Signs and traces left in stone
Ruins of a past unknown-

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#428703 - 03/22/13 01:43 PM Re: My acting out was hidden in plain sight *TRIGGERS [Re: Suwanee]
genedebs Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/09/12
Posts: 285
Loc: MO
Yeah Swanee, (and everyone else)

Acting out becomes a lingering displacement of what was really going on and how it affected me. For myself, When I was 4 and asked my mother for a good humor bar, and my father knocked my mother off the porch when she asked for money (I believed I caused my Daddy to punch my mommy). The physical and emotional abuse continued. When I was 11, the sexual abuse began. At 11, I also started competitive swimming. I was good (the 5th fastest butterfly in Detroit). However, when I was 14 I began volunteering in the projects of Washington D. C.

At 14 I also joined the civil rights movement and was involved in a major role of voter registration in Virginia (at the time of Mississippi Summer). Then assigned the responsibility to set up a volunteer tutorial program is the projects area (Green Valley) in Arlington Va.

This led to getting a grant for a tutorial program in the neighborhood for the summer of 1965 (while I was a junior in High school). The governor of Virginia refused to release the money until two days before the end of the program.

This kind of effort continued through college. A 300 member tutorial program, teaching 9 credit hours, another federal grant, etc. Through it all I believed I was worthless. I never thought of this as acting out since it was not a traditional method (sports and high grades). From your experience I can now see this as trying to prove my worth and ignore my csa and other abuse and trauma damages.

Even though I have been in therapy for ever and on meds and more than 20 years sober, I still am in denial. Thanks for opening my eyes.

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#428785 - 03/23/13 02:25 AM Re: My acting out was hidden in plain sight *TRIGGERS [Re: Suwanee]
Farmer Boy Offline
Member
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Registered: 08/23/12
Posts: 442
Loc: Australia
Not directed to anyone in particular .....but

I could be wrong but I got the impression that in Will's original post he was referring more to his 'selling his body' to be abused for science and relinquishing control in one way or another as a form of acting out. Because through these things he was reenacting the abuse....but not in a sexual way. I didn't get the impression that his high achieving was 'acting out'. Although it too appears to be somehow related to CSA - like a form of cover up to hide the truth.

Just my thoughts.

Lee
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More than meets the eye!

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#428800 - 03/23/13 07:34 AM Re: My acting out was hidden in plain sight *TRIGGERS [Re: Farmer Boy]
Suwanee Offline
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Registered: 10/30/12
Posts: 691
Loc: Southeast USA
Lee,

To clarify my original long post:

1) I was an adventure seeking kind of kid...pre-abuse included.
2) I was/am ADHD
3) After what happened, I became sullen, irritable, withdrawn; I acted out overtly, hid the real cause and blamed it on my parents' move.
4) I had knee surgery and experienced a loss of control in a clinical setting.
5) The ADHD was treated with Ritalin; I was able to focus my energy.
6) I shifted my attention to the things I was good at---swimming, baseball and academics.
7) I went to an ultra-competitive boarding school where I was in my element.
8) In college, I discovered that I was an adult and had control over my body.
9) That epiphany led me to understand that control meant I had the power to give up control if I wanted to. Like Matt said, it was used to moderate the competitive side of me that compensated for the lack of control I had when I was abused.
10) University researchers are always looking for college students to use as physchological/physiological research subjects; I reconnected with the old clinically sanctioned loss of control---often for money. I used them and they used me.

It was acting out.

Which is worse---selling yourself as a research subject, or selling yourself as a research subject with ulterior motives? The answer is, "nobody cares." That is acting out in plain sight.

Will


Edited by Suwanee (03/23/13 09:34 AM)
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#428806 - 03/23/13 08:56 AM Re: My acting out was hidden in plain sight *TRIGGERS [Re: Suwanee]
peroperic2009 Offline
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MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/11
Posts: 3600
Loc: South-East Europe
Originally Posted By: Suwanee
I reconnected with clinically sanctioned loss of control---often for money.

It was acting out.

Which is worse---selling yourself as a research subject, or selling yourself as a research subject with ulterior motives? The answer is, "nobody cares." That is acting out in plain sight.
Will

Hey man, it was acting out but you did what ever you could to go trough it, carefully looking for self thinking on every possible detail and memorizing it.
You did all that with one goal: to make insight into self and to learn more about abuse and later impacts even it could be said that you did partly unconsciously. So in that light I think it was not so bad, meaningless and negative.
Be proud on yourself, you found your unique way toward healing.
You were real fighter and survivor back than even while wearing T-shirt and Umbro soccer shorts (just kidding wink )!

(((Will))) wink
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