First things first... you, as in YOU, the boy, did not give your soul away to this man. He SEXUALLY ASSAULTED you at the age of 8 until you were 14. He STOLE from you.
Lots of seconds, but most importantly, guy- You are now, today, a survivor of child sexual assault. You have survived. (((SL)))... I am proud to meet you, fellow survivor.
You aren't familiar with me, but here I am. I am a survivor of CSA. I find that the longer I use MS, the more angry I become when I see so much hurt caused by men who have gotten their sexual pleasure from little boys. And I want you to know, I still fall into the trap of despair you voiced sometime. For you I am angry that this has happened. I am angry this man manipulated you into a feeling of trust so he could again use you. Its set off a trigger in me.
And so what if you "consented" to being with him for a few times in your early twenties? It happens far more than we may think, and you said yourself you were looking for certain things. You wanted love, of course you did. You wanted to fill the emotional loneliness- of course you did. And you thought when you were a boy he had cared for you. Of course you did. We know from experience. HE manipulated you. Try hard to give yourself a break on that. He manipulated you, doesn't matter if you consented or not... he manipulated.
I didn't return to my abuser(s), but I just as well had. When I found myself single, I went looking for the same things you did. I was/am lost in a world of grownups and the little boy emotions came to direct me. I have the same end results as you. The control did not become ours. But it can be. But it will be, if we want it bad enough. And I hear in your "voice" that you want it bad enough. I know I do.
I am sorry you are in so much pain because of this.
You are a survivor. You will see one day that these feelings of despair will begin to dissipate.
It has taken me decades to simply face the pain I have kept inside. Cuddos for you big guy for sharing how you feel today. Begin to think about not accepting the blame and giving it to the man that sexualized and objectified an 8 year old boy... HE is the one to blame. Just say that to yourself. HE is the one to blame... HE had sex with an 8 year old boy. HE is a criminal......
Keep posting. Share your pain and your fears. The guys around here will indeed build you up. ....b
For now we see through a glass, darkly.