good to see you discussing this issue openly. Many survivors have problems even many years later with reenacting situations that could be risky or similar to abusive experience. Some are moved but doing some other stuff that in background have same source, those are high drive activities like drugs, alcohol, anonymous and risky sex, porn, gambling and similar. List could be very long as personal preferences are different for everyone of us.
Why we do it?
There are different answers:
- some answers are lying in fact that as long as original trauma is not healed our brain is stuck in moment of grave danger (for our minds some abusive situations were seen like that) and trying somehow to repeat similar conditions and to resolve knot and scars left by such destructive situation. Unfortunately resolution never happens spontaneously by itself and actually trough therapy we should look for healing of original trauma otherwise we are stuck in consonant cycling trough same patterns;
- some of us developed coping mechanism that are involving some of previously mentioned situations. For example I have a lot of problems with porn, it is not regular porn but something that on emotional level is reminding me of abuse. There is always some element in it that I associate with being survivor of sexual abuse and I'm ashamed to admit but that is what I'm looking for sometimes and doing. It is important to acknowledge to self in what emotional state that is happening. Personally it happens to me always when I feel down, isolated, alone, invisible and not heard. Those are some of feelings that are the most damaging for me and when I'm feeling like that I know that there is high risk that I'd fall to my old habits.
Here is terrible good article about all that written by Ken Singer: http://www.malesurvivor.org/ArchivedPages/singer2.html
Please take some time and read it, there is even homework for you if you are looking how to break that cycle
Hang on and share with us more. Secrets are purring power to those old habits that sometimes control us.
Many of us came here to reconnect whit others, to break isolation that we are feeling for so long and to move with our healing.
We can do it together