i feel so not kowing who i am. I wish to move but
i can not forgive my dad and his dad. I get so messed
up thinking i owe his family my life. I get tired
of trying to bug this out. I wish there was more
to do. I always keep talking in my head how "oh maybe
i should help people who are suicidal and all kinds
of stuff but, truth it is me having the difficulty, so
i should jusst take it slow. I do race with everything.
I really dont know how to trust. I am really tired
of liking to see a girl. One girl comes to mind whether
if i should go see..but it's not right b/c i feel sorry
for her-as if she has mental problems. She doesnt and
my assuming this; isnt good for anybody. I was told
i was special; i think my dad's sister-in-law said this
so i could feel better and that i shouldnt talk to anybody
period. I get memories of when i used to spell my mom's
(my real mom) name in the sand in kindergarden. I can really
go off in many areas. One i feel for my mom and then
my dad made me feel as if my mom was sick. My dad's brother
is very unkind. It as if they wanted me to kill my mom.
I dont want anyone hating me..but one loser psychologist 12
years ago said to me " goran not everyone is going to like you"!
Good for him ,he deserves a friggin gold star. How smart is
he? ..i rather save it for your wife at the dinner table; jerkoff!
Hate is easy, for me. I dont want to hate..but man..they all
ganged up on me..and firsst ,,they dressed me as a female..i think
my dad either took part even enjoyed it.
This forgiving ..well, so forgive? maybe i will not forget.
I will never have a dad; which sucks. But i am a survivor
and i dont want any mental exhaustion on anybody.
So i am putting this therapy on hold till i move to Toronto.
Sometimes i wish i could live elsewhere ,but i wishing wont
do it. My brother said to me ,before " you are so negative,,
and useless"...why doesnt he say this to his uncle who fak't
me up, severly? . Why does my brother get to have a girl,
a house? My dad wants to treat me with presents. I dont know
how to live my own life. And it feels shitty to think i deserve
a good life! It is rambling but i am doing what i can to accept
myself gay or straight. I cant love myself..what feeling is
that ? pissed off... i really enjoy karoake ...i am not bad,
actually. I sing all kinds of tunes.
I wish i could get a girl but if my plans are to leave ..my T
says .." are u sure u would like a long-term relationship, since
you plan to leave"? i jusst want sex...
this is alot to ask but has any guy out there had sex with a
prostitute?
I know why i want it...noone can make these decisions for me.
-dont have to answer i am just trying to feel my feelings at
this time; in my dad's room.

goran

Hey goran,

Some of this really resonated with me, the part about reaching out for one. I think some survivors reach out so that we can "ride along" when they make someone else feel better. Personally, I had felt when I helped someone, I felt really good inside, but it would not last. It was when I turned those compassionate words I saved for others into myself, healing my inner, hurt child with support that I can truly know a lasting, better feeling.

Please make sure you are as important in your life as everyone else, you are so worth it. Tell yourself that goran, you ARE special and deserve these wonderful things.

Sam

Thank You Sam for taking time to reply- and giving me great
hope that i deserve good things.

xo
.. thanks to all others who read my posts.

xo

Goran

Hi Goran, good to see you man
Hey man I didn't know that you like so much singing karaoke, lol.
I know how difficult might be thinking on change in life, please be aware that you are not alone with that, we all are sometimes scared of such changes and challenges.
I believe in you

Pero