I just read this quote from eric chase, which to me is one of the most profound and insiteful things i have read on here. It goes:
I personally try not to judge others based on sexual predilections, although I admit I do not understand the whole child-adult thing. And I say that having been in such a relationship as a CSA victim. To me it was just confusing. And even though at times it became pleasurable, the pleasure didn't hold a candle to the intensity of the shame and the power of the secrecy. And it was never rapturous, never fulfilling and certainly did not enhance my sense of identity and well-being. My abuser got essentially a one-way sexual pleasure from me - the only difference between his having sex with me or masturbating was what he wrapped around his dick. How sad is that?
This sadness carried over in my adult life when i would so called "act out" with other men. So now i dont just have the guilt and shame of my childhood stuff but now the knowledge that i have let my family and my own sense of self down. It did nothing to release me from the inner torment in the instant that yearning had been exorcised by the quickly fading orgasm. It magnified it ten fold and started me on the road to near self destruction.
So i have made it one the most salient keystones of my recovery. Try and help other struggling men whether as a result of CSA, hyper religiosity, or other abuse to help in understanding of what the hell is going on. No one wants unsolicited advice it sounds so smug, but sometimes its not that we are seeking the answers, its that we dont even know the questions. I just thought i was crazy , i didnt understand the affects of the CSA.
Married or attached men struggling with sexual identity have to try and find the strength to examine what they are truly feeling. Why would a man with a great wife and family want to jeaparize all that for a quick unfulfilled sexual encounter. So once a man realizes as an adult he has a strong sexual attraction towards other men, the question has to be , what do you do with that? More questions need to be asked. More work to be done. But in the meantime, there can be no doubt life will be an unfullfilled mess if a man isn't truly honest with himself. So I encourage men to do whatever it takes to find those answers to those very personal sexuality questions cuz for each of us the answer is different.
I agree with Eric though i am paraphrasing, if we have needs and fantasies unfullfilled, then educate yourself and masterbate if need be, but for the sake of those you love and for your own sense of self, do not partake. The cost is so much greater than the brief benefit. Its tough enough to get over the shame and guilt of the CSA , adding fuel to the fire is so much unnecessary anguish.
Edited by 1lifenow (03/18/13 09:35 PM)
The need for love lies at the very foundation of human existence. Dalai Lama
WoR Barrie 2011