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#428346 - 03/18/13 05:05 AM I feel kinda sad today...
crazy gecko Offline


Registered: 10/04/12
Posts: 309
This morning, in the train on my way to work, I sat close to three young boys - perhaps 13 or 14 years old, on their way to school. I had a hard time not staring at their fresh, innocent little faces. They were neat, from their shiny shoes to their neatly cut hair, their new-looking school uniforms perfectly ironed. They were chatting... about school work a teachers... and all I could think about was when I was that age I was not fresh faced, or innocent. By then I was already doing drugs, trying to escape from the horrors at home.

Then I started wondering... what does it feel like? To be that young and innocent, to be scared stiff because you might get detention for not having done your math homework! OMG, what I would have given for that to be my biggest problem at that age!

So what is this about... not sure really. Just feeling kinda sorry for myself today. Just kinda sad that I never got to be one of those boys and I'll never know what it feels like to be a normal 13 year old boy...
_________________________
I guess what I'm trying to say
Is whose life is it anyway because livin'
Living is the best revenge
You can play
-- Def Leppard

My Story, Part 2

My blog

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#428348 - 03/18/13 05:41 AM Re: I feel kinda sad today... [Re: crazy gecko]
Farmer Boy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/23/12
Posts: 442
Loc: Australia
I hear ya!
_________________________
More than meets the eye!

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#428349 - 03/18/13 05:53 AM Re: I feel kinda sad today... [Re: crazy gecko]
peroperic2009 Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/11
Posts: 3603
Loc: South-East Europe
(((Gecko)))
_________________________
My story

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#428351 - 03/18/13 07:47 AM Re: I feel kinda sad today... [Re: crazy gecko]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3373
Loc: somewhere in Africa
DITTO - to all 3 of the above!!!
_________________________
As my life goes on I believe somehow something's changed
Something deep inside...
I've been searchin so long to find an answer
Now I know my life has meaning
Now I see myself as I am, feeling very free...
When my tears have come to an end I will understand
What I left behind: a part of me. Chicago


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#428352 - 03/18/13 08:05 AM Re: I feel kinda sad today... [Re: crazy gecko]
Jude Offline


Registered: 08/09/12
Posts: 1510
Loc: New England
Originally Posted By: crazy gecko
...Just kinda sad that I never got to be one of those boys and I'll never know what it feels like to be a normal 13 year old boy...

You said it well Gecko. That is forever lost.....

Jude
_________________________
I went back to the doctor
To get another shrink.
I sit and tell him about my weekend,
But he never betrays what he thinks.
Can you see the real me, doctor?.
The Who

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#428357 - 03/18/13 08:40 AM Re: I feel kinda sad today... [Re: crazy gecko]
Candu Offline


Registered: 06/30/12
Posts: 312
Loc: Canada
Originally Posted By: crazy gecko
So what is this about... not sure really. Just feeling kinda sorry for myself today. Just kinda sad that I never got to be one of those boys and I'll never know what it feels like to be a normal 13 year old boy...


Grieving what you lost/never had/should have had. Nothing wrong with that.

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#428395 - 03/18/13 09:19 PM Re: I feel kinda sad today... [Re: crazy gecko]
BraveFalcon Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/25/13
Posts: 1096
Loc: The ATL
Originally Posted By: crazy gecko
So what is this about... not sure really. Just feeling kinda sorry for myself today. Just kinda sad that I never got to be one of those boys and I'll never know what it feels like to be a normal 13 year old boy...


Hi Gecko. Good post! I don't think there's anything wrong with "feeling sorry for yourself" sometimes. I think CSA survivors are entitled to a little self-pity, as long as long as it doesn't get so bad that it gets in the way of normal functioning. For me, it did for a lot of years but not anymore.

Let me ask you this. Do you ever have the opposite thought when encountering or talking with young kids? Like thinking, "I wonder if they're ok. I wonder if bad things aren't happening to them behind the scenes? I wonder if everything is as hunky-dorey as it appears to be on the surface. God, I hope nobody is abusing him or anything!" I have those thoughts around kids sometimes and your post made me think of that. Take care. Peace.

Ken

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#428415 - 03/19/13 01:51 AM Re: I feel kinda sad today... [Re: BraveFalcon]
crazy gecko Offline


Registered: 10/04/12
Posts: 309
Originally Posted By: BraveFalcon
Let me ask you this. Do you ever have the opposite thought when encountering or talking with young kids? Like thinking, "I wonder if they're ok. I wonder if bad things aren't happening to them behind the scenes? I wonder if everything is as hunky-dorey as it appears to be on the surface. God, I hope nobody is abusing him or anything!" I have those thoughts around kids sometimes and your post made me think of that. Take care. Peace.

Ken

I have those thoughts often. There was just something about these kids... the thought that one of them might be abused didn't even occur to me this time. I like to think that there is always some sign - a guardedness in the child's eyes, a seriousness in his face... I know with me the signs were as clear as day, if only someone bothered to notice them. And yet, at the same time I understand that some kids are just so good at hiding it!

What a scary thought...
_________________________
I guess what I'm trying to say
Is whose life is it anyway because livin'
Living is the best revenge
You can play
-- Def Leppard

My Story, Part 2

My blog

Top
#428416 - 03/19/13 02:02 AM Re: I feel kinda sad today... [Re: crazy gecko]
Publius Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/13/12
Posts: 396
Loc: OH
Kids trigger me just for this reason. I'm really screwed up in the head. I am extremely uncomfortable and worried around children because of the possibility of something I do being abusive and the thought of their abuse makes me anxious/panicky/depressed. Mind you I don't think about sexually abusing children when I see them I just go through what crazy gecko and BraveFalcon describe while then worrying that any kind of interaction on my part, especially physical, will be received/perceived as abuse and will hurt the child/make me a perp. In high school I babysat for a boy and girl (who were around the age I was when I was abused) in the same house in which I was abused (my perp had moved away) and I was so sub-consciously triggered I would not let them go into the basement where it happened and had to put on a movie because talking to them and playing with them was too hard. Even to this day I still find it difficult to talk/play with kids because these sorts of activities were used as a facade to get me into that basement. I cannot disassociate these otherwise positive behaviors from the profoundly negative experiences I had as a child. I learned early on they usually led to my abuse and so I came to believe the inevitably lead to abuse. Like I said I'm f***ed in the head. You can sit here and tell me it's not true but as far as I am concerned it is not worth the risk. A little while back my friend's little sister started climbing up on to my back and I completely froze in terror yet my friends can apparently swing and flip kids around and have tons of fun doing it. Part of me wants to have kids but is afraid to do so because I am worried I won't be able to provide them with the affection I know they need because of this fear : /
_________________________
"Life is like this dark tunnel. You may not always see the light at the end of the tunnel, but if you keep moving, you will come to a better place." ~ General Iroh

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#428417 - 03/19/13 02:38 AM Re: I feel kinda sad today... [Re: crazy gecko]
trytry Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/13/13
Posts: 36
Loc: Wisconsin
I really don't even have words... I know exactly how you feel

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