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#428340 - 03/18/13 02:10 AM Needing a sense of closure/Questions for abuser.
si Offline

Registered: 08/11/12
Posts: 43
Loc: Utah
I feel that the biggest obstacle a lot of us face, at least on a subconscious level, is needing a sense of closure. I think we need that sense of closure from the abuser, because it is the abuser that we need the answers from, not ourselves, not a therapist, nor family, friends and other survivors.

I think we all want to know, why? Why us? Out of all the people the abuser could have abused, why were we selected? Is it because we were just convenient to them, meaning they had easy access to us? Was it because they thought we would be the easiest to abuse, because we trusted them the most? Was it just a power trip for them? Were we just the most attractive to them?

Going beyond why us however, I think we need to know the psychology behind the abuser. Like did they feel bad everytime they abused us? Did the swear to themselves they would never do it again when they finished, or did they tell themselves just one more time and its over. If they could go back in time, would they stop themselves or would they just keep doing it? Do they even feel bad now? Do they regret what they did or do they jerk off to the memories? Did they mean any of the nice things they might have told us, or was it really just what we wanted to hear? Did they pity us? Did they think about how we might feel about it, at the moment, and in the future? Did the thought of prison ever scare them? Did they try to restrain themselves but it was too much and they made a bad decision in the heat of the moment and then got trapped repeating that bad decision over and over because they felt guilty and bad but then only felt better when doing it again? Or did they enjoy everything and feel no guilt at all, even to this day? Do they even know why they did what they did?

I'm sure based on everyone's unique experience, they would have different question for their abusers, but in my personal opinion, I think these are some questions of closure I think we all want answered.

#428353 - 03/18/13 08:11 AM Re: Needing a sense of closure/Questions for abuser. [Re: si]
Jude Offline

Registered: 08/09/12
Posts: 1529
Loc: New England
Hey Si,

I've given up on those questions because I cannot find my abuser. I found the house where he molested me on Google Earth. But that was the closest I've come to closure. I just had to let go of it.

Well, I won't back down
No I won't back down
You can stand me up at the gates of hell
But I won't back down.
Tom Petty

#428355 - 03/18/13 08:16 AM Re: Needing a sense of closure/Questions for abuser. [Re: si]
SoccerStar Offline

Registered: 10/15/12
Posts: 915
Loc: New York
"Why me?" is an unexpectedly dangerous question. It implies that there are some people who more reasonably could have been selected for child abuse.

Christopher Hitchens said as much about the initial diagnosis of the cancer that went on to kill him. A reporter asked him if he ever wondered "why me", and Hitch's response was basically "Well, why NOT me? People get cancer every day, am I supposed to think I'm better than them, that I should be exempt from what everyone else has up worry about suffering?"

Holocaust survivor Elie Wiesel took a similar tack. He wrote of his initial "selektion" before the Nazis - this way for slave labor, that way for gas. He wrote of praying to God to save him, to put him onto the good line. And then he was crushed by the realization that thousands of people before him had stood on that line and prayed all the same and many of them had been gassed; that many of the people around him at that moment, each praying, were about to get it too. And he was ashamed of basically asking God to treat him as though his life were more important than all those others in the same situation who had been killed. He wrote "It was not fair of me to ask for a change in the rules just because I happened to be losing."

Something to think about, anyway.

My story

"Don't think it hasn't been a little slice of heaven just because it hasn't!" --Bugs Bunny

#428364 - 03/18/13 09:53 AM Re: Needing a sense of closure/Questions for abuser. [Re: si]

Registered: 08/31/11
Posts: 1652
I have asked the questions over and over, why me, why did I go back, why didn't I tell anyone, why does part of me feel special to him. The answer I have been told, is I was a child and as a child we can be molded, groomed and manipulated. I understand the answer for everyone else but for me I cannot accept. The last question, why the child that was created feels some specialness towards the abuser is the most frightening and troubling question--it keeps me fragmented and separate. My T is working hard on this area and we have made some progress. It holds me back from accepting a part of me, and to me whole requires acceptance of the parts of who we are. I have not problem with the other parts of me, we seem to work in harmony.

I do not believe I will ever know what was in the abuser's mind or why he undertook such actions. I see the abuse in my mind over and over, the most troubling acts are seen more vividly today after having visited the place of the abuse. But in time, I am hoping to stop asking the questions and accept the abuse and the part of me for what it is--a piece of my life that I can never change but I can change the effects it has on me.

#428365 - 03/18/13 10:48 AM Re: Needing a sense of closure/Questions for abuser. [Re: si]
focusedbody Offline

Registered: 02/03/13
Posts: 341
Loc: NY
I think this is a difficult question to answer. But I also think it is good to ask.

I think of myself as an aware and caring person. Nonetheless, I do see that it is a human frailty that sometimes we do unto others as was done unto us.

Emotional abuse is in no way is equal to what happened to myself and others on a physical level. Nonetheless, as I struggle to have an intimate relationship I am now coming up hard against my own faults. I can see how in my life I was always happy to be led by someone into things that hurt me, especially as a child. It's as if I couldn't wait for the attention and then numbed myself from the pain.

When I see how this kind of behavior became a standard for me in intimacy, and how in small ways I have accomplished with some of my partners, I am appalled, shocked, and broken again.

So in the end, I take a deep breath and realize that probably the best of my abusers had somewhere in their life an experience that made them believe that everyone else deserved it too.

Sorry if this sounds too simple and cold. I think pain is ultimately meant to point us to something better, if we take the time to read the sign carefully.

We did not make the abuse happen. To believe this is another way to give in to letting the wheels of pain in the world turn again. I hope we all can stop them together, and one by one.
Lose the drama; life is a poem.

#428396 - 03/18/13 09:30 PM Re: Needing a sense of closure/Questions for abuser. [Re: si]
ThisMan Offline

Registered: 01/22/13
Posts: 767
Loc: upper south

I want to know why me... absolutely with the kid stuff. When I asked the main abuser, he f***in denied it had happened. 4 years worth and it must have been a dream of mine. He denied it and by denying it, he denied my existence in a way. And then again, why not me?

I know most of you know of my ASA experience, but I don't want to know why in regards to that. I don't. So I don't know which is worse... being objectified and told it didn't happen or being objectified and strangely terrified.
For now we see through a glass, darkly.


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