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#42824 - 07/30/02 12:24 PM Is this suicide????????
michaelb Offline
Member

Registered: 04/21/01
Posts: 211
Loc: cincinnati, ohio
About 4 months ago, i decided to quit taking all my pills.....i've been taking pills for congestive heart failure - cardiomyopathy, cholesteral, blood pressure and depression.....i was taking 12 pills every day, until i decided to take them no more.....now my congestive heart failure is really kicking in and i know it will just be a matter of time before my heart stops..kind of ironic, since i had open heart surgery in january, triple bypass plus valve repairs...Not sure why i bothered with the surgery, except the chest pain was so severe i really did not have a choice....plus with my heart function being so bad, i hoped i'd die on the table in my sleep....no such luck........I thought it was happening a couple of days ago....i went to the hospital as i am an organ donor and will need to die at a hospital so they can harvest my organs.....they were able to stabilize my breathing and to release me on the condition that i call my cardiologist and see him the following day......that was a week ago and i have not called him.......additionally, i have not gone to see my therapist in over a month....i let it slip that i was no longer taking my medication and decided not to go back to see him......it will make things easier for him.....well, i guess my question is, am i committing suicide??????......i'm not a religous person, although i guess i think suicide is wrong since i've never been able to complete the deed....i've taken pills thinking i would not wake up, but unfortunately i did.....guess i just wanted to know what you guys thought..........michaelb


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#42825 - 07/30/02 12:45 PM Re: Is this suicide????????
SoCalJohn Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor


Registered: 05/18/01
Posts: 510
Loc: Los Angeles, California
I am not so sure i would call it suicide like most people normally think of, i certainly would not call it taking care of yourself either...

i tend to look at it as a kind of slow suicide like drinking yourself to death, or the person with emphysema that still smokes in between sucking on the oxygen mask.....

I wish you felt better about yourself and were more into taking care of yourself, i just cant help but wonder what it is about you that you hate so much that you allow yourself to standby and watch yourself be self destructive in this passive way, it is very saddening to me

I just know that if you act like your worthy of being taken care of, and do stuff to take care of yourself even if you dont feel like it, eventually you will feel worthy of being taken care of and the reality is that you have always been worthy of love. All any of us have to do in this world to deserve love is just be born, and most of us have done that quite succesfully.

The place you find yourself in is just very sad to me.

I hope you find a way not to go the end of that road on your present path, you can always make a u turn ya know, any time you want...

hugs to ya,,

John

_________________________
I asked him about this law he spoke of, he said,,, *watch* he then asked the others to share about their lives,,, the others talked of how things were for them, how things worked in their lives,,, and as they believed, it was so.

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#42826 - 07/30/02 12:56 PM Re: Is this suicide????????
SoCalJohn Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor


Registered: 05/18/01
Posts: 510
Loc: Los Angeles, California
The other thing i just thought of is that if ou have depression, you have to think of it as like a persistant cold, and know that it really screws with your view of the world, it is a disease that allows you to not take care of yourself, if your not up for the pills right now, maybe call the therapist and talk some of this stuff over, for whats it worth, we are all brothers here and losing anyone here sucks, hasnt the abuse taken enough from your life already?

My life is such a damn struggle most if the time, and seeing anyone give up and just quit fighting is pretty scary stuff for me, i dont want permission to do that in my life, i cant make any calls in your life, thats all up to you, i hope you recognize that just maybe the depression has something to do with all this and you decide to get back in the fight.

_________________________
I asked him about this law he spoke of, he said,,, *watch* he then asked the others to share about their lives,,, the others talked of how things were for them, how things worked in their lives,,, and as they believed, it was so.

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#42827 - 07/30/02 01:43 PM Re: Is this suicide????????
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
MichaelB
So many of us have battled with depression, and watched our partners and friends battle with it as well, that we know how it drags us down. We know what a vicous cycle it is. And my experience says take the drugs. Over here Prozac is the popular choice, and it's easy to see why, it works for most people.

Talk with your therapist and doctor again Michael, tell people that you don't like taking so many drugs, and they might find a different regime for you.

Work for it Michael, you're worth it.
Lloydy

_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

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#42828 - 07/30/02 05:18 PM Re: Is this suicide????????
Cement Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/05/02
Posts: 740
Loc: Southern California
I hope you will find the courage to go on and your body will have the strength to keep up.

Ironically, you sound at peace with what you are doing, and perhaps not coincidentally, you are physically ok? I believe in medical science, but I also believe that the power of your mind will have remarkable effects on your physical well-being.

Nevertheless, talk, talk, talk...as everyone has suggested to me. I hope you are and will stay well...

Peace

_________________________
And let the darkness fear our light.

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#42829 - 07/30/02 10:01 PM Re: Is this suicide????????
Spider-man Offline
Member

Registered: 04/27/02
Posts: 57
Loc: NY
I'd call it a sideways suicide.
When suicide is not something you can do head on, you creep it up on yourself.

I've done this in different versions. Like walking right across streets in busy cities and I was aware enough to know I was hoping a big damn truck would come along and smear me across the street.

Counter-balancing that is that a number of us have way down low self-esteem and our care of ourselves takes a slide as a result.

But, IMHO, that doesn't seem to be the deal with you. Seems like you want to die and are walking that way.
Please don't. You may still have something to give and something to learn.


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#42830 - 07/31/02 12:14 PM Re: Is this suicide????????
The Dean Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 07/15/02
Posts: 2080
Loc: Milwaukee, WI
Hi Michael,
I can understand how you feel about the meds. I take 13 different kinds a day, and some of those are two of the same kind. I have CHF. That one is not one to play with. I am working at cutting my meds down to those I absolutely have to have to keep going.
Just because you have a lot of problems does not mean that life can't be joyful. Since joining NOMSV and changing my job I have been joyful. But I do think that we need to give our doctors hell at times. They sometimes thjink meds won't hurt us so they don't discontinue them. I am going to get down to no more than 5. But I choose to do it by talking to my physician as my employee--which is what he is. I hope you'll do the same. Anti-depressants wear oout. WE need to change them sometimes and go through the process of finding one that works. I hope you can love life enough to turn it around and insist that your doc works with you so that you have a good quality of life. If that means changing docs and therqwpists so be it. As someone said, you deserve it. We all deserve a good life after what we have been through.
Peace to you brother!

_________________________
If we do not live what we believe, then we will begin to believe what we live.

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