I'm never going to get all my memories straight. When I'm not looking, they come up from behind me and attack. But when I'm wanting to deal with them, they all sliver away into the darkness. If I try to hold on to it long enough to write it down, it dissolves.

And all I get for my troubles is a stomach ache and a migraine. Sometimes I don't think its worth it. Other times, I think its the most important thing I can do.

I feel like I am trying to nail a fish to the wall. At best, all I get is a little shimmer and a lingering smell, but all the "meat" falls back into the abyss.

I want a net to catch them. Or maybe a proton laser like in the ghostbuster movies. Then I can keep them in that little yellow box they had and insert them into my memory tank when I'm ready. But instead I just get slimed and they float away.

(For those asking why I want the memories, its because they show up anyway, I want to have a little control over when they show up. So I can interrogate them and figure them out.)

Good question Jacob.

As you indicate, we see little glimmers of the actual unremembered events all the time. The problem is how to catch them.

We have the capacity to trace things backward (time wise) in our minds. We probably do it all the time anyway for less important memories. We see some picture that reminds us of someone and we try to think backwards, 'Who does that remind me of...'

Then maybe we see a picture that brings up a little bit of the emotion of the serious memory. The next time we are in a quiet place (no TV or interruptions allowed), hold the picture up before you. Then instruct your own mind to trace backwards to the time when that memory occurred. You can ask questions: What person was there? What did they say? What did they do?

An example of this from my own life was the picture I saw of two boys together. One was about 17 and the other was about 10. The picture gave me a bunch of raw emotions. (actually that's what I mean by PTSD triggers). Later I realized that I was the 10 year old boy and the 17 year old boy was an abuser. I won't add details now. I have written about that event in pufferfish story part 4. I have pretty much worked through all of the emotions from that abusive event by now. I was age 10 in my avatar photo.

Puffer

Jacob find it real interesting your use of the word control here; isn’t it the ultimate in self-control to deny what happened to us, to force us to forget; or is it just more programming, don’t tell, can’t tell, forget about it?

The other thing is at least for me the recalled memories seem to come up when I can handle them; meaning if I remembered even 2 months ago what I’ve remembered recently it might have set me over the edge, it might be too much? Like you though I would give anything to be able to remember my early life like the rest, not some eff’d up slide-show trying to pretend to be a Hollywood movie, but the real deal, ff,rev, and find, including Oscars for script and direction, hell maybe even one for myself, I never had a stunt double, that was my blood on screen.


Cee

Cee -

I want to understand myself. I can't do that if things I don't remember are effecting me. If I could stop it from effecting me, maybe complete denial would work. But as long as it is a factor in my desires and how I treat others, I'd rather have the info I need to handle it.

I hear what you are saying about memories coming up when people are ready for them. I'm glad that's true for some people. For me, memories tend to come up at moments where I really need to be chill (like dealing with other humans) and instead I freak out. So it'd be really nice if I could teach them to come out when I am by myself and have the time for them, instead of when its just going to make me look a nut. I don't know if any of you watch "The Walking Dead," (spoilers here I guess) but in the episodes where Rick sees his dead wife she always shows up at the worst times. That's what it is like for me.