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#428227 - 03/16/13 01:21 PM darkness
cosmos Offline


Registered: 11/12/12
Posts: 181
Loc: Puget Sound
All this is not any form of self-harm, just me expressing my own pathetic pity-party, when youíre at the bottom there is no way to go but up; just venting my general frustration with life and trying to get free from myself.


See Iím just tired of it all, tired of fighting, tired of everything, nothings any fun, everything just sucks, how can I even kid myself anymore I no longer want to walk the earth, why? See thatís the ultimate insult; Iíd give anything to not get up tomorrow, to just fade away, to go into the black. I tried so hard for so long. I went out of my way numerous times; karma just smiled at me and refused my infantile request for an end of my suffering. I feel like such a shit like the ultimate in ungrateful bastards, I have so much, some have so little, and all I want to do is die, I want everyone to finally abandon me so I can end it, yet karma just smiles and says fuck you! I spent years contemplating suicide and at the end I realized it wasnít about me, I could never leave those behind, I could never leave my wife alone, I could never leave my sons fatherless, I may be the most horrible person on the planet, the very scum of the earth, but I know pain, and I could never voluntarily inflict that torture on someone, let alone those I care about. I fantasize about what it would be like, the cold barrel in my mouth, the sweat pouring off of me; I wonder whether Iíd hear the gun go off, I wonder about the final physical feelings, what itís like to enter the black, the only reality Iíve never seen, and besides Iíve been curious about it forever.

thanx for letting me vent.

Cee
_________________________
"it has never yet been discovered how to make man unknow his knowledge, or unthink his thoughts"

T. Paine

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#428244 - 03/16/13 05:12 PM Re: darkness [Re: cosmos]
Candu Offline


Registered: 06/30/12
Posts: 312
Loc: Canada
Quote:
I spent years contemplating suicide

Other than that I would say I was pretty close to where you are in the middle of last year. I don't know if it is the same but I certainly called it the dark place.

I don't have a wife/GF and no kids. And the only people I would hurt would be my original family. Maybe a few people at work. It all just didn't matter anymore.

I have no idea how I finally came out of it. But I did. Life still doesn't have a lot of meaning for me but I'm not giving up on it. I'm trying to appreciate the little joys that come every once in a while.

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#428296 - 03/17/13 12:26 PM Re: darkness [Re: cosmos]
cosmos Offline


Registered: 11/12/12
Posts: 181
Loc: Puget Sound
Itís so hard to build your self-esteem back up, especially now that I know what happened, it just makes so much sense, I never was in control of anything, but I can control when I die, something I could do all on my own, something I could finish and be proud of. I canít control whatís in my head when it comes when it goes, but I can end it. My need for control is so destructive wow; I just canít believe how self-delusional I can be.

Thanx Candu, MS.

Cee
_________________________
"it has never yet been discovered how to make man unknow his knowledge, or unthink his thoughts"

T. Paine

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