All this is not any form of self-harm, just me expressing my own pathetic pity-party, when you’re at the bottom there is no way to go but up; just venting my general frustration with life and trying to get free from myself.


See I’m just tired of it all, tired of fighting, tired of everything, nothings any fun, everything just sucks, how can I even kid myself anymore I no longer want to walk the earth, why? See that’s the ultimate insult; I’d give anything to not get up tomorrow, to just fade away, to go into the black. I tried so hard for so long. I went out of my way numerous times; karma just smiled at me and refused my infantile request for an end of my suffering. I feel like such a shit like the ultimate in ungrateful bastards, I have so much, some have so little, and all I want to do is die, I want everyone to finally abandon me so I can end it, yet karma just smiles and says fuck you! I spent years contemplating suicide and at the end I realized it wasn’t about me, I could never leave those behind, I could never leave my wife alone, I could never leave my sons fatherless, I may be the most horrible person on the planet, the very scum of the earth, but I know pain, and I could never voluntarily inflict that torture on someone, let alone those I care about. I fantasize about what it would be like, the cold barrel in my mouth, the sweat pouring off of me; I wonder whether I’d hear the gun go off, I wonder about the final physical feelings, what it’s like to enter the black, the only reality I’ve never seen, and besides I’ve been curious about it forever.

thanx for letting me vent.

Cee

Other than that I would say I was pretty close to where you are in the middle of last year. I don't know if it is the same but I certainly called it the dark place.

I don't have a wife/GF and no kids. And the only people I would hurt would be my original family. Maybe a few people at work. It all just didn't matter anymore.

I have no idea how I finally came out of it. But I did. Life still doesn't have a lot of meaning for me but I'm not giving up on it. I'm trying to appreciate the little joys that come every once in a while.

It’s so hard to build your self-esteem back up, especially now that I know what happened, it just makes so much sense, I never was in control of anything, but I can control when I die, something I could do all on my own, something I could finish and be proud of. I can’t control what’s in my head when it comes when it goes, but I can end it. My need for control is so destructive wow; I just can’t believe how self-delusional I can be.

Thanx Candu, MS.

Cee