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#428146 - 03/15/13 11:44 AM Little Me
ThisMan Offline

Registered: 01/22/13
Posts: 769
Loc: upper south
After months of being pretty much in emotional despair when I posted, I ran across the trigger that somehow someway put me "in touch" with my inner child. It was a sad feeling - a good feeling... lots of mixed emotions... and definite tears. But for a day, "little me" was nearby and I could watch over him.

I don't know much regarding the concept of the inner child, so I didn't know if he was here to stay or if he was going away again. This morning when I awoke he was gone. I could sense it. But instead of feeling sad, I had a quiet peace. Somehow, someway I had been able to reach back over the years and touch this little boy- little me- in a loving, caring way, and that little boy across the decades knew things were safe. And so did the big me.

Healing is a long road and we have to be willing to take the risks and step into the unknown and the forgotten. For me, thats a difficult thing to do. I need control. But when I least expected it, failed to plan for it, something major happened in the journey. And I guess thats what healing is all about.

ps... I hope little me doesn't stay away for a long time. I want to see the butterflies this summer.

For now we see through a glass, darkly.

#428147 - 03/15/13 12:03 PM Re: Little Me [Re: ThisMan]
Magellan Offline

Registered: 12/31/10
Posts: 1439
Loc: California
Don't worry.

He'll be back. Count on it.


#428150 - 03/15/13 01:17 PM Re: Little Me [Re: ThisMan]
SoccerStar Offline

Registered: 10/15/12
Posts: 918
Loc: New York

Never believed it myself until the last few weeks (and, really, days). But at least as a cathartic, legitimizing, "line-drawing" mechanism it is very - shockingly - real. It's a frightening process, involving a lot of crying and abandonment of dignity. And haven't we cried enough, lost dignity enough? But the virus in a vaccine is not the same thing as a lethal wild virus.

You'll always remember your inner, innocent self - he's always part of you. I'm happy beyond words that you've taken this step.

My story

"Don't think it hasn't been a little slice of Heaven just because it hasn't!" --Bugs Bunny

#428156 - 03/15/13 02:58 PM Re: Little Me [Re: ThisMan]
Jude Offline

Registered: 08/09/12
Posts: 1600
Loc: New England
Hey ThisMan,

When my T told me to "get in touch with the little boy inside who is hurting...", I thought it was just so much psycho-babble. He had me write a letter to myself as a boy, and bla, bla, bla. I wrote it and was surprised how moving it was. It helped me recognize how different I was pre-CSA, and how much the CSA has controlled my life all these years. Here's link if you care to read it: Letter To Myself
Seems I've got to have a change of scene
Every night I have the strangest dreams
Imprisoned by the way it could have been
Left here on my own or so it seems
I've got to leave before I start to scream
Joe Cocker

#428162 - 03/15/13 03:44 PM Re: Little Me [Re: ThisMan]
bodyguard8367 Offline

Registered: 05/16/12
Posts: 1159
Loc: ""

Edited by bodyguard8367 (02/26/14 09:35 PM)
Edit Reason: SILENCED

#428170 - 03/15/13 05:19 PM Re: Little Me [Re: ThisMan]
ThisMan Offline

Registered: 01/22/13
Posts: 769
Loc: upper south
Thanks, guys.. and thx, G. Not a miracle, wish I were. I find the support and care I receive here to be the miracle in my life right now.

Jude, I went to the link and read the letter. So beautifully written and eloquently presented. Thanks for directing me there. Your rape sounded so familiar and I am so sorry, but I won't go there tonight. I will with honor go to the last paragraph...

excerpt of Gary's letter to Little Gary...

"Sometimes it hurts so much I can't stand it. But I CAN stand it because I AM a man now. So I have to set you free. Go and play ball again. Dream about the girls again. Be the kid you should have been. And I'll be the man I have to be." I have to set you free.... I just met the little me a couple days ago and I really want him to return. But if he doesn't, I saw him in his innocence without all the shame and guilt and secrets. I saw him as he really was. And that in itself is a gift. Thx, Gary, for ...... for being kind enough and brave enough to share that with me.

For now we see through a glass, darkly.


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